Dee is different. I can tell she is maturing. I can also see in recent weeks, she is feeling more at home and more attached. She fights about doing homework. She still will make the wrong choices given a chance. But she is not making a wrong decision just to be contrary anymore. She wants to please. She use to want attention of any kind. Now, she likes the attention to be positive.
She is very good about saying what she needs from me. She wants me to be at the bus stop when she gets on the bus. She doesn't like it if I don't make it to the bus stop before she leaves.
She watches TV, and looks for times to say. "Mom, you are embarrassing me." Even when she says it, she is claiming me as mom, and pointing out we are connected.
School is getting hard for her. She fights to not get her work done. She is learning some, but she is lazy too.
She spent the night last night at the church's youth lock-in. I had a series of texts from her. I thought maybe she was not having fun, but she called as I was getting ready to leave. I asked her if she was having fun, and she said yes.
When I arrived at 3 a.m., she ran past me and spoke. And then hung out a with a group of two girls and two boys. I could tell she was trying to pair off with a boy. But every time she'd look around, I'd be watching. Those things will scare me a lot in a few years.
Today we went to a movie. Her two friends came running up to her. She was not nice to them. I understand. Each of those girls' parents call to drop them off and we do lots with them. But they NEVER invite Dee over or out. I hope she starts to find some other friends soon.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Today's Mail
Mom this is a letter that i typed for you!
how was your day?
I hope it was great.
Dear mom,
Thank you for making my life great and fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...I thank the lord for letting me and you be together.
You have helped me with my troubles and the problems that I came with when I came.
I know that don’t matter what happens I’ll always be your kid that you adopted.
I also know that don’t matter what I do or how much I make you mad that I’ll always be in your heart.
I’m happy that we are together as a family.
Roxy and choler have also made me happy.
I wish I could take back all these times that I have been mean to chole and Roxy.
Cause they have stayed on my side even though that I made them scared and made them run for their life.
It makes me sad to see when you are sad and depressed and upset with me.
Sometimes I start to even start to cry because I mad you so sad and so made (at times).
I get happy not just for the things you give me but for the time and effort that you thought of me and you tried to help me.
Mom the thing that I love about you is that you don’t stop in tells you get it done.
Pulse you’re a strong women and a strong women and smart women,
Pulse whenever I see you whenever I’m happy I get more smiler (I know that’s not a word but still).
When you’re in a bad mood that means that I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t like that at all but when you’re in a good mode that means that means I’m in a good mode that’s what I like.
Love:Dee
how was your day?
I hope it was great.
Dear mom,
Thank you for making my life great and fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...I thank the lord for letting me and you be together.
You have helped me with my troubles and the problems that I came with when I came.
I know that don’t matter what happens I’ll always be your kid that you adopted.
I also know that don’t matter what I do or how much I make you mad that I’ll always be in your heart.
I’m happy that we are together as a family.
Roxy and choler have also made me happy.
I wish I could take back all these times that I have been mean to chole and Roxy.
Cause they have stayed on my side even though that I made them scared and made them run for their life.
It makes me sad to see when you are sad and depressed and upset with me.
Sometimes I start to even start to cry because I mad you so sad and so made (at times).
I get happy not just for the things you give me but for the time and effort that you thought of me and you tried to help me.
Mom the thing that I love about you is that you don’t stop in tells you get it done.
Pulse you’re a strong women and a strong women and smart women,
Pulse whenever I see you whenever I’m happy I get more smiler (I know that’s not a word but still).
When you’re in a bad mood that means that I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t like that at all but when you’re in a good mode that means that means I’m in a good mode that’s what I like.
Love:Dee
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Good Weekend
Dee's weekend was excellent! Just like last weekend! She was productive. She was respectful. She was pleasant.
We went on Saturday evening to see her dance school perform at a local shopping center. I watched the girls as we planned whether three of us would eat together. A had not a great attitude; S had a horrific attitude and Dee was doing pretty good. I actually threatened to leave the restaurant if S's attitude didn't change. Her mom was frustrated, but just ignored it. We left one restaurant for another because S was pouting. Then at the second restaurant, she continued pouting. I asked her if she wanted to be there. Dee was charming and happy. The other mom enjoyed her as did the waiter.
She is doing well also with getting up in the morning. We do not have the drama of the past every morning.
I realized that she told me a week or two ago that money was stolen from the church's Youth Group. (They have a candy store that kids buy treats from and the money goes to mission.) She bought something today. That reminded me of her telling me about the stolen money. I never suspected her. That's a big deal.
I better go to bed. Monday is not a good day ... even for good Dee.
We went on Saturday evening to see her dance school perform at a local shopping center. I watched the girls as we planned whether three of us would eat together. A had not a great attitude; S had a horrific attitude and Dee was doing pretty good. I actually threatened to leave the restaurant if S's attitude didn't change. Her mom was frustrated, but just ignored it. We left one restaurant for another because S was pouting. Then at the second restaurant, she continued pouting. I asked her if she wanted to be there. Dee was charming and happy. The other mom enjoyed her as did the waiter.
She is doing well also with getting up in the morning. We do not have the drama of the past every morning.
I realized that she told me a week or two ago that money was stolen from the church's Youth Group. (They have a candy store that kids buy treats from and the money goes to mission.) She bought something today. That reminded me of her telling me about the stolen money. I never suspected her. That's a big deal.
I better go to bed. Monday is not a good day ... even for good Dee.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Does 7-Year old Consequences and 16 Year-Old Education Equal 11?
Our week was bad because Dee was upset about the phone thing. She told the therapist she thought I would be more angry and when I wasn't, she didn't know how to turn off her plan to be mean.
I told her the moment she is disrespectful, including saying "NO!", she loses all of those things for the next day and the rest of that day. She starts off after two days later earning them back one at a time. Slow to earn and one single sarcastic or disrespectful thing takes them all away. Zero tolerance.
She has TV back now, and stops to think about what she is going to say. She can pick another electronic today. She will lose them again. But I hope that a few times of this will show her it's not tolerated.
As always, she was angry and upset, but she likes the boundaries. It's been a lot more pleasant.
I took the chance with the pleasant house to talk to her about oral sex. I had three friends last spring find that their 13-year olds were having oral sex. What I learned was that they didn't think it was sex. And parents didn't specifically tell them. So I told her. She may make the same bad choices of other girls, but it won't be because she learned first on the street.
She learned her four times tables, but when we started the sixes...she started getting mixed up.
I listened to neighbor tell me how much I smother her and how she will just go wild. I let her talk, and then just said, "Good thing she is my daughter." She judges everything by her well-regulated two-year younger child. I don't feel the need to justify my parenting actions to anyone...that's what I love about being a single parent!
I finally came up with Plan #2333. I wrote on the white board:
Anything that plugs in or uses batteries
Computer <> TV <> Music <> DS <> DVD Player
I told her the moment she is disrespectful, including saying "NO!", she loses all of those things for the next day and the rest of that day. She starts off after two days later earning them back one at a time. Slow to earn and one single sarcastic or disrespectful thing takes them all away. Zero tolerance.
She has TV back now, and stops to think about what she is going to say. She can pick another electronic today. She will lose them again. But I hope that a few times of this will show her it's not tolerated.
As always, she was angry and upset, but she likes the boundaries. It's been a lot more pleasant.
I took the chance with the pleasant house to talk to her about oral sex. I had three friends last spring find that their 13-year olds were having oral sex. What I learned was that they didn't think it was sex. And parents didn't specifically tell them. So I told her. She may make the same bad choices of other girls, but it won't be because she learned first on the street.
She learned her four times tables, but when we started the sixes...she started getting mixed up.
I listened to neighbor tell me how much I smother her and how she will just go wild. I let her talk, and then just said, "Good thing she is my daughter." She judges everything by her well-regulated two-year younger child. I don't feel the need to justify my parenting actions to anyone...that's what I love about being a single parent!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Spoke too Soon
This morning the "good" Dee woke up. She was still riding high from the weekend. So, it was a good morning. I did remember that she hadn't been giving me her phone at night...which is our rule. She can't call or text at night, but it means I wasn't reviewing her texts. So I asked her to be sure to bring it down to me. Still...very pleasant.
The dogs and I walked her to the bus stop. And while there, I started perusing some texts. The first thread I saw was from "Joey." And the last text I saw was from Dee -- "Good night. I love you." So I said, "Not acceptable," and put her on the bus.
Dee is dead set on having a "boyfriend." I wish I could say it would be innocent, but I don't it think it would be. In her thread to "Joey" she said, "Should I wear a skirt or pants on Monday?" He said, "A skirt." She said, "Why did you say that. I think I know and it's not good." He ignored her and that chatted about other things. And she came back to her question with the same provoking line. He never answered, but she wore the shortest skirt she had with leggings.
When I picked her up, I had devised my plan of how to talk to her. First, I wanted to be sure "Joey" was a boy and at her school and not some pedophile she picked up on the Internet. So I started asking about her teeney bopper game. She said, "Just take it away." Then I asked"Joey's" last name. She didn't know what her love's last name is. I explained how boys get the wrong idea about girls who say "I love you" to everyone. And how they share that idea with other boys. Then I told her how suggestive her skirt conversation was. I had to tell her it makes people think of porn...because that's a word she knows, and I'm not ready to introduce "sexting." She might take it as a suggestion. I did tell her that if the boy's parents see her texts, I expect her to get called the Principal's office, and me to get called at work.
She didn't handle that conversation well. She told me I was yelling. I wasn't. But she didn't like what I was saying, so she thought I was.
I spent the evening taking away privileges. When she she gets her phone back, his number is blocked. Her right to text pictures is gone. Her text limit is 250 texts a month. This month she did 1300. I don't know how considering she can use the phone from 6:00 - 8:45 on weekdays, and then most of the day Saturdays and Sundays. I also took away the games she likes on the computer because they put too many teen ideas in her head. I will also block Disney XD and Teen Nick on the TV...though the latter is usually blocked by ratings.
She is not suppose to ever delete texts, but apparently she does. I haven't seen 1300 texts. But she was lulled into a false sense of comfort because I stopped asking for her phone. The element of surprise...a mom's best weapon.
I do remember a couple of things her therapist said that scared me when she said it, and scares me even more now: 1) She will do some very bad and dangerous things before she gets it all together. 2) Not doing birth control is not an option. I have worked hard to make those things not true, but Dee seems to be working harder to prove to me that the therapist knows what she is talking about. And no, Dee didn't hear the therapist say it.
The dogs and I walked her to the bus stop. And while there, I started perusing some texts. The first thread I saw was from "Joey." And the last text I saw was from Dee -- "Good night. I love you." So I said, "Not acceptable," and put her on the bus.
Dee is dead set on having a "boyfriend." I wish I could say it would be innocent, but I don't it think it would be. In her thread to "Joey" she said, "Should I wear a skirt or pants on Monday?" He said, "A skirt." She said, "Why did you say that. I think I know and it's not good." He ignored her and that chatted about other things. And she came back to her question with the same provoking line. He never answered, but she wore the shortest skirt she had with leggings.
When I picked her up, I had devised my plan of how to talk to her. First, I wanted to be sure "Joey" was a boy and at her school and not some pedophile she picked up on the Internet. So I started asking about her teeney bopper game. She said, "Just take it away." Then I asked"Joey's" last name. She didn't know what her love's last name is. I explained how boys get the wrong idea about girls who say "I love you" to everyone. And how they share that idea with other boys. Then I told her how suggestive her skirt conversation was. I had to tell her it makes people think of porn...because that's a word she knows, and I'm not ready to introduce "sexting." She might take it as a suggestion. I did tell her that if the boy's parents see her texts, I expect her to get called the Principal's office, and me to get called at work.
She didn't handle that conversation well. She told me I was yelling. I wasn't. But she didn't like what I was saying, so she thought I was.
I spent the evening taking away privileges. When she she gets her phone back, his number is blocked. Her right to text pictures is gone. Her text limit is 250 texts a month. This month she did 1300. I don't know how considering she can use the phone from 6:00 - 8:45 on weekdays, and then most of the day Saturdays and Sundays. I also took away the games she likes on the computer because they put too many teen ideas in her head. I will also block Disney XD and Teen Nick on the TV...though the latter is usually blocked by ratings.
She is not suppose to ever delete texts, but apparently she does. I haven't seen 1300 texts. But she was lulled into a false sense of comfort because I stopped asking for her phone. The element of surprise...a mom's best weapon.
I do remember a couple of things her therapist said that scared me when she said it, and scares me even more now: 1) She will do some very bad and dangerous things before she gets it all together. 2) Not doing birth control is not an option. I have worked hard to make those things not true, but Dee seems to be working harder to prove to me that the therapist knows what she is talking about. And no, Dee didn't hear the therapist say it.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Catching Up....Again!
I have so much to catch up on!
School
Dee has been rebelling since they actually started doing work. She is doing well, but she doesn't like to do the work. At the beginning of the school year, we came up with our goals. She needs to make C's in Reading, Math, Science and Social Studies. And 3's in PE, Art, Music and Strategies (organization). 3's are like B's. She is doing well. She has the chance to re-do any bad grade, but she got a 78 on a math test, and chose to keep her C+ rather than do the work to make it up. I had to let that go because it fit her goals, even though she could have raised that grade to an A.
Sylvan, where she is being tutored for math, finally conacted the school, and now is working with the school. She seems to be primed to learn. I'm excited for her.
Family Wedding
We went to my hometown for my sister's wedding. It's in inner city Chicago. Dee really thrives in a pooer, urban culture. She apparently loved it. She bonded with my brother, David. Her goal for the trip was to get me in trouble for nothing with my mom.
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Laundry
I finally taught her to use the washing machine. I didn't do it before because she pee'd on towels and blankets when upset, and I wanted something to stop her. She hasn't done that in a long time, so I decided to teach her. She loves it. It seems to be a real rite of passage for her.
Social
There seems to be less drama in the after-school program this year. One of Dee's friends mom's asked me to watch her child. When I picked the girls up, Dee's friend wanted to go to the "Y". (We are members.) I said no. Then she asked if they could go get V from across the street. I said yes. V is another sixth grader and she lives directly across from us. I felt this friend, who Dee adores, asked her mom to call me for these things. But Dee was happy.
Doggies
Chloe is still suffering with her congestive heart failure and we have $100 a month in meds for her. Roxy seemed to have some flea dirt on her. It's hard to tell with how much she itches and scratches because she has horrific allergies.
Studying
I'm studying for an HR certification. I'm doing good on timing, but I'm not retainign enough.
School
Dee has been rebelling since they actually started doing work. She is doing well, but she doesn't like to do the work. At the beginning of the school year, we came up with our goals. She needs to make C's in Reading, Math, Science and Social Studies. And 3's in PE, Art, Music and Strategies (organization). 3's are like B's. She is doing well. She has the chance to re-do any bad grade, but she got a 78 on a math test, and chose to keep her C+ rather than do the work to make it up. I had to let that go because it fit her goals, even though she could have raised that grade to an A.
Sylvan, where she is being tutored for math, finally conacted the school, and now is working with the school. She seems to be primed to learn. I'm excited for her.
Family Wedding
We went to my hometown for my sister's wedding. It's in inner city Chicago. Dee really thrives in a pooer, urban culture. She apparently loved it. She bonded with my brother, David. Her goal for the trip was to get me in trouble for nothing with my mom.
.JPG)
Laundry
I finally taught her to use the washing machine. I didn't do it before because she pee'd on towels and blankets when upset, and I wanted something to stop her. She hasn't done that in a long time, so I decided to teach her. She loves it. It seems to be a real rite of passage for her.
Social
There seems to be less drama in the after-school program this year. One of Dee's friends mom's asked me to watch her child. When I picked the girls up, Dee's friend wanted to go to the "Y". (We are members.) I said no. Then she asked if they could go get V from across the street. I said yes. V is another sixth grader and she lives directly across from us. I felt this friend, who Dee adores, asked her mom to call me for these things. But Dee was happy.
Doggies
Chloe is still suffering with her congestive heart failure and we have $100 a month in meds for her. Roxy seemed to have some flea dirt on her. It's hard to tell with how much she itches and scratches because she has horrific allergies.
Studying
I'm studying for an HR certification. I'm doing good on timing, but I'm not retainign enough.
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