Something No 10-Year Old Should Have to Do

Yesterday, Roxy wanted to go for a walk.  I took her out and left my computer on.  Dee was upstairs and I was suspicious.  I asked what she was doing.  She said in her room watching TV from my room.  When we came back, Chloe wanted to go.  Dee resumed the project she was doing in the living room.   Chloe did her business rather quickly, and we came back much sooner than Dee anticipated.  She was in my room.  I thought sneaking candy from my Sunday School bag since she had eaten quite a bit.  But when I sat at my computer, I could tell it was touched.  I checked history and saw...www.youtub.com.  I knew then she was on her way to porn.  And the misspelling confirmed it was her.  I asked her, but she assured me she was just going to watch a video.  So besides making sure my computer is ALWAYS off, and taking her with me on ALL of the dogs' walks, I'm also doing something I'm not so proud of.

Monday, Dee has an Ob-Gyn appointment.  I feel it's important that she is protected from having children too early.  She has no impulse control.  She is more than fascinated by sex...it's more like obsessed.  She has seen too much and possibly experienced too much.  Her menstrual cycle started early.  I feel cornered.  I have no choice.  But when I play it in my mind, I hate it.  "Hi, I would like to get birth control for my 10-year old daughter."  It may seem I would condone sex early, but it's quite the opposite.  I've told Dee what I want for her and what God wants from her.  But I still think I have to be realistic.

So, in 32-hours, I will be doing something you should never have to do with your 10-year old.  I think you shouldn't have to do it with your 16-year old even.  But you do.  It's sad.

Speak to me after...

Because Dee has such bad mornings, I've asked her not to talk to me in the morning.  At night, we choose her clothes, etc.  I bought her an alarm clock, and when I put her to bed I say, "Good night.  I will talk to you after school/church/dance..."  This means she does not have time to fight or get an attitude.  Three days in and it's working OK.  She got up at the 1 minute warning today and rushed into some clothes.  While on the highway, she threw a paper at me and asked me to sign it.  I told her I would have to read it first.  I would sign it tomorrow.

She is still having a lot of problems with that iPod.  Now that she cannot get to sites I don't want her at, I am telling her I want her report to be free of "porn."  She won't be allowed to go to it, but the software (www.mobicip.com) will tell me if she even tried.

I did tell her it is not easy to like someone who is always mean to you.  She left my side crestfallen.  It's time she learned there are consequences to this kind of behavior.  When she is mean to her friends, she will say, "They understand me."

We did have some fun this weekend.  I picked her and two friends up from daycare Friday night, and we ate out and went to a play.  Saturday, Dee bought a new wallet, and then we hung out at home.  She wanted a mani-pedi but was unwilling to chip in towards the cost.  Sunday, we went to see Chimpanzee.  I'm not a big nature movie person, but I went.  It was better than I anticipated.  Dee fell asleep.

Last night when I was doing her hair, she was mean and yelled, "Would you not pull my head when you do this?"  I said "Sure."  So I straightened it very lightly.  She said, "I don't think this is going to work.  Can you do it regular?"  I said, "No."

One day, she will connect her behavior to things.

Surviving

Dee had her annual visit this week.  She grew only 1 1/2 inches this past year.  Her doctor noticed some curve to her spine, so we did an x-ray.  The curve is 14 degrees.  She is not concerned since Dee is pretty much done growing.  She will check it again in six months to be sure.  They treat them after 20 degrees, possibly higher if you are done growing.  Dee is 5'1" tall, and is not expected to exceed 5'3".  I'm 5'9" and she really wanted to catch up to me.

I took her and some friends to eat and out to a play yesterday.  She sure did act silly.  She was so happy to have friends do stuff, she couldn't stop laughing.  No one invites her, but parents are willing to let their kids come with me.  It's OK...I prefer it that way.

Dee can't get calendars straight in her head.  Which comes first...end of school, her birthday, Disney, my conference or camp?  She usually is comparing two.  It is already a busy summer.  She also needs to squeeze in her dance recital and maybe football cheer clinic again.

I am not exaggerating...I cannot say anything to Dee without her responding with attitude.  It's got to be somewhere around 95% of the time, no matter how mundane, or inconsequential, she has an attitude.  I've been trying to ignore it.  But that does not fit my personality.  How long is puberty again?

Getting Better...

I managed to get some tolerance for Dee today.  She did get herself up and ready on time.  After school, we talked more on our drive.  Then we went to therapy.  I spoke with the therapist and we talked about how things are effecting Dee.  She tried to help me see what I need to do that I am not doing.  We did talk about my priorities.  I simply am not willing to negotiate respect.  When I have to "choose my battles," I choose the one about being respectful.

I am not helping Dee though.  She is beginning to have some image issues.  She says she sees her birth mom when she looks in the mirror or at pictures of herself.  She is beginning to hate herself.  I took her to the mirror to show her how we look alike, but it did not work for her.  She'd see it more if our skin tones were closer, but she hears people often say we look alike.

Today her homework is to look in the mirror and say, "You are beautiful."  "You are amazing" etc.  It really upset her.  She does not want to do that.  She said she can't hug herself.  I showed her me hugging myself, and she broke down crying when I did.  I've got to stop this self-hatred she is starting.

I wanted to send her to church camp this summer, but I think she is not ready.  I will have my niece who is 20 years old, come to care for her while I'm at a conference later in the summer.  They will both be dressing inappropriately, but at least Dee will have a good time.

My Child...I really don't like her.

I do not like my child today.  Really, I don't.  I can't remember if I've felt like this before or not, but this is a pretty serious case.  How did it happen?  One disrespectful word too many. I simply cannot stand the tone and snottiness she speaks to me with.  And today, I had no tolerance.  If you add in her lying, sneaking and stealing, I think I'm out of steam.

Today, I left her to parent herself.  She is not going to bed, just hoping I will tell her to go.  I offered her her meds, but assured her I couldn't care less if she took them or not.   I am done.

I can't really explain how I feel, but if she were a spouse, I'm pretty sure I'd ask for a divorce.

Chloe & Roxy

Yesterday, we went to the Pet Expo.  Chloe and Roxy took the Canine Good Citizen test.  Roxy urinated.  Fail!  They said she could try again in an hour.  But then, she REFUSED to do the command "down."  FAIL.  Chloe, my shy-er one, but slightly smarter one, actually passed!  I was worried she would not do well around another dog, but she did fine.  So, I have a Canine Good Citizen, and a Canine OK Citizen!

Roxy celebrated 6 years at home today!  My baby girl!!!!

Running, running, running

So it seems all I do is drive!  I work a full day, then I drive Dee to dance, gymnastics, therapy, doctor's, etc.  I'm so tired.  I've had so much I wanted to blog about, but I was too busy and tired actually living it to do so.

Let's do the good, bad and ugly!

The Good
My little girls were in the Easter parade.  They were adorable, but they did not win a prize.  I do find it hard to believe, but you know...everyone doesn't get our kind of "cute."  We had fun.

Dee has been doing well on the annual state testing at school.  Not grade wise, but in effort.  She has gotten a four everyday, which means she is trying or doing a good job looking like she is trying.

I dipped into some savings to pay for a trip to Orlando for Dee's birthday.  Another adoptive mom, and online friend, who has her travel agent's license or whatever they have, helped me to book the trip.  She was helpful because she understood Dee, and she could give me suggestions on the trip to minimize the trauma response.

I got serious about my diet and have been following a diet pretty well.  It's a slow weight loss, which is what I want.  So, I'm down about 8 pounds.  Slow and steady wins the race!  But it must be steady!

My little Roxy seemed so sick and angry, but she is doing well with some treatments for really bad allergies.

Someone from my church started a support group using Karyn Purvis' methods. 


The Bad

Dee's issue with porn continues to surface.  I made her tell me all the sexual exposure she had, and then made her talk about it in therapy.  She revealed some things we didn't know, but I think she is still holding back.

It cost too much to eat healthy.  Gas is too expensive.  I need a higher salary.

Work has been crazy busy.  And for as careful as I've been in this very high stress time, I still found an error I made.

The Ugly

Dee had a tantrum the other day after missing medication.  She shattered the downstair's kitchen light fixture from stomping in her room above it.  MaMa was NOT happy!

We are having a high period of sneaky behavior.  I have to watch parents who intend to do good, but who are just making things worse out of their good intentions.

ARRRGGGGGG!!!!

Dee was difficult this morning...as usual.

Then when I picked her up, she ran to me and hugged me.  I asked what was wrong, and she said, "MAPP testing is coming up."  Then she said, "I took an aspirin today because my head hurt."  I asked if the nurse gave it to her and she said yes.  I said, "I need to call.  She doesn't have permission to give you aspirin without talking to me."  Then she said she had taken it from the first aid kit.  What is wrong with this girl?!

In the meantime, I'm doing a book study and support group on The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  I'm feeling too jaded to appreciate what it says.

[Sigh]

Family Meeting

Dee called a family meeting today. Even when we were done, I couldn't figure out the purpose.  She had notes.
1.  She wants her hair braided.  (I said no.  She always takes it down.)
2.  She doesn't feel happy.  We are not happy anymore.  Where is the laughter?  (I don't know what she is talking about, so I just listened.)
3.  Can she have her iPod back?  (Yes, but only one hour a day.)
4.  We don't do anything fun anymore?  (I ran through of list of things we did recently, and we concluded we do fun things, so it must be in her.)

I don't think her meeting went the way she intended.  I think she just wanted her braids and her iPod.  But she couldn't handle the responses she got back.

Even after a tough meeting, I left her home while I went to a meeting.  When I checked on her, she was doing fine and encouraged me to do our grocery shopping.  I came home and was talking to a neighbor who innocently mentioned Dee and the ice cream truck.  I knew then that Dee broke the very first rule of staying home alone.  She went outside.

I told her she lost that right.  When she was sad and disappointed in herself.  I reminded her that she knew she was breaking the rules when she went out.  She had to know if she got caught there would be consequences.  So from now on, she will have to go and spend two hours with the volunteer child care.

Joyful Reunion

A few years after I graduated from college, I lived in Arizona.  I worked for the IRS.  I taught high schoolers at my church in Sunday School.  One of my kids for reasons I can't remember needed to live with me.  She and eventually an aunt lived with me for many months.

I did some mission work in Brazil, and we ended up losing touch.  Jessica found me this past weekend on-line.  She had been looking for a long time, as had I.  She was on Facebook but under the name of a famous person in history.

She told me she wrote everything she could think of about me down.  She prayed over the list.  Typed it in Google, and then she found me.  When I saw her friend request, I was stunned.  I had been looking for her too.  I had contacted our old church.  I just didn't know where to look.

When we talked, she said something that really touched me.  She said I made her feel so special.  And she wondered if in all these years how many other kids I had made feel special.  She wondered if she wasn't as special as she thought, and that was just the way she felt as a teen.  I told her I loved all the kids in my class at that time, but she should know, she was special.  She was like a child to me.  And I heard this now 43-year old woman, cry with joy.  She said she felt like a kid again.

The next day, she called to just hear my voice once more.

As I was driving after our phone reunion, I knew for sure if I were to die right then, my life was not in vain.  What a blessing!

I've caught RAD

It's gone.  The little patience I use to have.  It's gone.  No more.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.

Dee is just going nuts.  I think I'll call her psychiatrist because I cannot take it any longer.  She is lying for no reason.  She is unfocused.  She is disrespectful.  She is sneaking.

Every time I drop her off or pick her up, the care person pulls me to the side to tell me something!  The last three days at before school care, I've had to have my own temper tantrum because of her disrespect.  Those people think I'm crazy!

At gymnastics, she told the teacher she had a broken arm.  Of course, the teacher knew that would be impossible since she was there last week too!

It's just constant.  In between, she cannot say anything respectfully.

She has also forgotten how to communicate.  She can only hear one word in a sentence, and then she focuses on it and argues it.

I should be parenting to her current age - 3.  But I can't.  I really don't like her right now.  And every time I try, she is just hateful.

As I always say..."RAD is contagious.  If your child has it, you will catch it."  I have a full blown case right now.

A Long Week...

Dee has not made good decisions all week.  She has been sneaky and that always leads to lying. 

 

Because of the drama of yesterday, and the fact Dee disagreed with the story I got from the director.  I wrote him a note saying there was a disagreement, and we needed to find the truth.  I mentioned to him in the letter that Dee said he had not listened to her and another girl.  Then I made Dee confront him this morning.  She was downright rude and caught in her lie.  I told her to give me her extra stuff (money for some raffles, and some scrapbook pages she made).  She refused with quite the attitude.  She was rude to both of us.

 

I brought her home.  She screamed all the way home.  She slammed the door and when I asked her to go out and come in, she came in screaming, WHAT?!?

 

Suffice it to say it was a bad day.  We ended up taking her back to school, and me off to work. 

 

I decided I had had enough of Miss Dee's disrespect.  So here are our new family rules:

 

Every single thing you say should start with one or more of these phrases. EVERY SINGLE THING!

 

 

• Excuse me Mom
• Please
• Thank you
• May I please
• Would you please
• You’re welcome
• Yes ma’am
• I’m sorry

 Words neither you nor I will EVER use

 

• "What" with an attitude of any kind. You may NOT answer me “What?” ever again!
• Huh?
• Nasty – As in you have a nasty attitude. I will use a different word. (This is mostly me.)
• Mean grunting
• I was just…(I was just going to do this and then I 'll do what you asked.)
• Coming! (Unless you first say “Yes, Ma’am, I’m…)
• Sorry. (Must include the word I'm.  Sorry alone always sounds insincere)
• I was!  (Dee do this now.  I was!  when she usually wasn't)
• I want…
• I don’t want…

 So far so good.  But this kid has frustrated me to no end this week.

"The Talk" at School

Today was the puberty talk at school.  Dee has been counting down for weeks.  She couldn't wait.  She came out of it understanding more the science.  But she asked this quesstion:  "Who does more to make a baby, the boy or girl?"  I said, "The Daddy's sperm decides if it is going to be a baby girl or baby boy."  She said, "I thought the doctor decided."  I didn't laugh.

Because of the looming talk...Dee and her friends were talking about their chest.  I'll spend the next two days trying to decide what really happened.  This is the e-mail I got from her during the workday, but it didn't match what the director told me.

mom befor you read you mite be really consord about me so email me back as soon as youl get the email to make me feel like my body is ok and protedted.


mom i just got done with my flonicy and last time i had a 91% know i have a 95%.

i am so happy about that and i scioed over the ones i didnt now about i think thats why i i did not run out of time.

its ok email me back.

and mom srena tryed to pull down my shirt and i told her to stop becuase i did not feel comfirt abule so now the teacher are talking to her \about it.and this happend in adviture club and i now you want me to tell vyou things based on what happend i dont feel comfortablu aroud her with out you, and i did not tell her to do it she just did it on her own and i dont want to be her friend cause of what she did to my body.please talk to her mom for me.email me back.

Anniversaries and a Birthday

March is a big month for us!  My little doggie Chloe celebrates her adoption/birthday.  And Dee and I celebrate her homecoming day.  Well...actually we do celebrate with Chloe, but Dee and I don't even mention the day.

I felt bad on Chloe's birthday.  We had two foster dogs, and I was tired of four dogs.  We went to get one dog adopted.  Then Dee and I went to the movie.  I felt little Chloe was cheated.

The next day we finally celebrated Chloe's day!

I sat watching the three dogs enjoy the chicken once it was "cut" (when I took the skin off and bones out), and I thought ,"What a fun party!"  They were really enjoying themselves.
The next day was the anniversary of Dee moving in two years ago.  It went by silently.  Dee had been defiant, disobedient and disrepectful the day before, so I did not give her a chance to continue.  Somehow I think she knows it is an anniversary, but it's subconscious.

So I survived my "first" child turning 9.  And my human child has made it at home -- two years!

Whoo hooo!

No Energy

I am always sleepy.  I drive to work sleepy.  I drive home sleepy.  I'm sleepy in between.  I'm just dragging.  I write in a post every so often all of the topics I want to blog about, but I'm not actually writing about them!  I hope it has something to do with the change in seasons.  My boss often says, "I feel like Gale."  Meaning...she is tired.  The other day, I heard Dee say something very similar.

On top of this, I started a diet.   It's good for me to know that my diet is not why I'm tired.  I was tired before. :)

But until I fall asleep, I think I'll hit some of my topics.

Stopping the Slide

After her sibling visit, Dee poked a kid with scissors at school.  So...I took her iPod, and no TV.  Finally, I realized that something would have to give to move pass this.  So I wrote all of her consequences on the white board:  \

She had to make 3 Lists: 

• 15 Appropriate Answers for "How are you?" or "Where were you?";
• 15 Answers that are respectful when I call her name; and
• 15 Proper Uses for Scissors. 

Then she had to write an apology to the following people: 

1. The boy she poked. 
2. Her classroom teacher. 
3. Her special ed teacher. 
4. The principal. 
5. Me. 
6. Her birth brother that she lied on.

She finished them all, and I gave her her iPod back.  Our only remaining issue is whether she is mature enough to move to middle school next year.  I wrote to her teachers and no one responded.  :)

Overall, a much better weekend than I imagined