Separaton

Dee was not feeling her best today, and she began to be sad that I am leaving. When we picked my niece up from the airport, she was talking a mile a minute with excitement. She became very sullen later and I was really worried she was going to be sick while I am gone. She was just disappointed that there was not enough time for my niece to do her hair today. She put some love notes in my suitcase and did the first round of packing for me. I told her I needed a sweater for the cold hotel training rooms, so she packed a sweat shirt. SWEATer and SWEAT shirt. (Easy mistake.) My niece is 20, but is pretty obsessed with the computer. I told her I want her to make sure my child is taken care of. I then told Dee that I am counting on her to make sure the dogs are OK. Her choices of clothes for the week will be ready for her. Her lunch choices are Luncheables or peanut and jelly with the normal sides: fruit, string cheese, and a snack. It'll be a good week for us both, I'm sure. I'll Skype daily. And the poor doggies do not even know I'm disappearing! Better sleep before it's time to get up. Dee went to bed on time telling Requiyah that tomorrow cannot be a bad day becaue I'm leaving.

Sleepover

Last night, Dee had a friend sleepover.  She has had many sleepovers, but this is the first time the kid hasn't had some special needs.  Having A here has been good to see.  Dee is thrilled.  If she could pick anyone in the world whose approval she would want, it's A.  A was the queen bee in fourth grade, but then she developed early like Dee.  Becoming a little unsure of herself made her lose her position in fifth grade.  She is still near the top of the elementary/middle school ranking.  Dee goes to the dance school A has gone to since she was toddler.  So, they have their things in common.

We rented a couple of movies.  They got to pick some junk food, and the hunkered down for movie night.  A invited me to watch, and Dee invited me not to.  I let them start the movie and then I went down.  In five minutes, I was asleep.  When I woke up, I came to bed.  The next time I woke up, they were also in bed.

It's been very pleasant.  Dee has been silly happy, but it's still pleasant.  My neighbor said it was good to see Dee so excited, and it made her miss being this age.

I'm sure A will come back again.  But it will be cool if Dee befriended more kids without drama-filled pasts.

On another note, on the way home Dee told me she was channeling her inner-Michelle,  (Her therapist), and has been counseling at day care.  One of the things she did was break up with a boy for a girl that didn't want to do it.  Of course, this boy started the summer off being Dee's boyfriend, and has moved methodically down the list of girls.  I told Dee it's every girl or boy responsibility to break up themselves.  If the boy can ask a girl to be his girlfriend, then the girl owes him to look at him in the eyes and break up.  A typical Dee response:  "Really, why didn't you ever tell me that?"

Leaving Town Soon

For the first time since Dee came home, I'm going to a conference for work.  It means for five days, she will need to stay with someone else.  My boss has been wanting me to go to this conference every year since the year she came. 

This year, I sent my 20-year old niece a ticket to fly here from Chicago to stay with her.  How hard is that?  I couldn't think of one person in my immediate area who could take care of her.  My choices were to fly her to Chicago and let her flitter from family member to family member, or to bring someone to us.  I chose the latter because it allowed me to keep her environment more controlled.

My niece who is coming does not share my moral standards, but she is pretty strict.  It was for her strictness that I chose her.

Dee is excited for another week of vacation of not going to day camp.  But last night, I changed my mind.  Dee behaves horribly when she does not have structure.  If she watches too much TV, she is disrespectful.  I decided to make sure my niece didn't have to fight with her, and Dee did not turn my niece in to 9-1-1, I should send her to day camp.

I didn't want to do day camp because I will be double paying.  I will pay my niece, and I will pay day camp.  I must do it.  My boss said she would reimburse the cost of the plane ticket.  That will be helpful.  She made me feel bad when she told me she told the Controller that the rules needed to be bent because my daughter was "special needs," and could not stay with just anyone.  I was aware that I must present my daughter better.

So, I have worked since last night to find someone to take her to day camp.  (My niece does not drive.)  My neighbors will take her each day and bring her back all but two days.  A friend will pick her up one day and take her to her dance class.  I will pick her up the other day because I will be on my way home from the airport.  I feel much better.  She and Requiyah will have only afternoon/evening hours to fill up.

So, I'm preparing for my niece.  Getting my three girls ready for my absence.  And thinking about packing for my trip.  It's very different preparing for this conference than it was B.D.  (Before Dee).

Just praying my dogs are loved, fed and walked, and my house is standing when I return!

Letter Update

Our morning only got worse after the letter incident.  It ended with her screaming, "You don't even care!"  And me responding, "Watch how much I don't care." 

This afternoon, I told her that letter didn't make sense.  I asked if she had copied S.  She said, "No, S wrote it."  Then I gave a speech about why it didn't make sense.  Whey she would not realize it didn't match the story of her life.  How she should have known that wasn't her story.  And why she could have stood up and said, "That won't work for me, I know my birth mom."  Or, "My mom has told me everything she knows about my birthmom."  Her eyes glazed over.  I do hate when I can see the disconnect in her brain.  This was one of those many times.


I failed to mention yesterday that her list of things she would do from now on was labeled:  "Things to do to get Fun Stuff."  She is a rewards kind of girl.  Never doing anything for nothing.  So, this afternoon, she apologized, and then said, "So, does that make you want to take back anything you said this morning?"

This morning, I threatened not to do dance in the fall, tutoring in the fall, or change the living room around to accommodate the new computer.  She was talking about the computer.  I said, "Yes, I should have made it clear that I care about you, and that I love you."  And I walked away.  She said, "Anything else...like maybe about a computer..."

I feel bad for her and me.  When does RAD leave?  When you think it's lessening, you find it hasn't moved at all.  She surprises me when she shows she is just as unattached as she was on day one.

A Letter

When I picked up Dee from day camp today, she had two letters for me.  One was a list of all the things she would do from now on.  Be obedient and respectful for the most part.  The other one is below:

Dear Mom,
I was wondering if maybe you could tell me everything I need to know about my family (my real family).  Like why did she give me up?  Why didn't she want me?  And I really want you to help me understand my real life.
Dee

I found this letter to be offensive since I have never withheld a speck of information from Dee about her birth family.  She was copying another little girl who was adopted as an infant.  Dee's birth mother didn't "give her up."  She was taken because of abuse and neglect.  Dee knows this. 

I went to the file cabinet and gave her all the notes I wrote from her foster care file.  I told her that as I told her before, these notes were hers.  I was saving them for her.  But if she felt I was keeping secrets, I didn't want them.  She could have them all now.  But that was the only copy, so I suggested she take good care of them.  She somehow let her friends pull her into a romantic view of adoption.


She went on to tell me when she said, "real family" she meant her family now.  So, now she is not just demanding, she is lying.  She went on to scream and yell and get belligerent.  Now...she is cleaning.  She is trying to pay me off.

She told me S was also giving her mom a letter.  S thought she was African American and she is Hispanic, so I suspect these are really her questions.

I am not in the mood.

Grandma is Sick

My mom's health has not been good.  She is 80 this year.  I wanted to tell Dee that if something happened to Grandma that I would need her to be considerate and how I would feel.  But I stopped myself.  She knows.  She has lost a mom.  She may not show consideration, but I have no doubt, she knows how I will feel.

A Cry for Help

Dee and I have been talking about things that bother her when we do devotions.  And we were talking the other day about why her self-esteem is so low.  She said, it's not because of her skin color (like she told her therapist), but it's really because she is not as smart as her peers.  (She also mentioned this to her therapist.)  Then she said, "Mom, I need a tutor."  I asked her what did she need a tutor for.  She said, "Reading, math, communications arts, science, social studies.)

I was sad to see that her learning disabilities are beginning to really effect her.  So, that night I posted on Facebook that I needed a tutor.  A former church friend offered to tutor her in reading.  And someone suggested Sylvan.  I made an appointment and Dee took an assessment for math.  The cost is between $356 and $440 a month.  That's a lot!  And I fretted with how I could not offer this to her if she asked for it and really needed it, but how I could afford $400 a month and still eat!  She offered to give up dance for tutoring.

The day after offering to give up dance, I found her crying in her room because she really didn't want to give up dance.  I told her she would take dance -- maybe not all that she wanted, but I would figure it out.

I am able to get a student loan for Sylvan's tutoring.  That will allow me to pay for the cost over a longer period of time, and not pay $400 a month.  I do hate going into debt for it, but if there is anything I'd want to go into debt for...my daughter's education and self-esteem would lead the list.

I'll go back this week to hear the plan they have for teaching her.  She is excited.  They gave her incentive tokens for her effort on the assessment, and they apparently do that for all of the sessions.

I'm crossing my fingers.  I like the one tip they gave me...buy flashcards with the answers so that she will see the whole picture.  She also liked it.

My friend is going to go to her daycare and try to help her with her reading.  That will be an enormous help with my super busy evenings.

God is good.  If I couldn't have met this need for my child, I would have felt like a mom who failed.  It may or may not work, but it's the opportunity that counts!

Turnaround!

We have totally turned around the atmosphere in our house, and it is good!  It's a combo of several things.

1.  Dee was saying she felt detached from me, and I got that.  Though we spend most of our time together, I wanted us to do things she would count as attachment.  So, now we play games every night.  We both enjoy that time.  It'll be harder during the school year, but we will probably just make it a weekly thing instead of a daily thing.

2.  I learned even when she totally sabotages night-time devotions and reading, she really wants it.  It's some sort of test I didn't know I was taking.

3.  She started an antidepressant.  She said she notices that she is more like herself.  She said she no longer wants to just cry.  She said she would feel said, but not get it out, and then she would become angry at me.  But, none of that right now.  Thank God!

4.  I'm listening to the book, "Get Out of My Life, But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?"  It helps me to normalize and not take personally some of her hormonal adolescent behaviors.  It also said that single greatest factor for whether a kid is successful as an adult is whether or not they have a goal in their teen years.  Kids with no  goal tend to end up doing things that mess up their lives.  So I am starting to build Dee up so she can formulate goals in the future.

5.  We have a family motto.  "I'm a Princess.  My father is the Kings of Kings.  Treat me like royalty."  And though Dee can say it, she doesn't live it.  After hearing her say, "That was not smart, and I'm Dee and I know that."  I decided we needed to really start living our family motto.  I was pleased when she told me when some kid at day camp said, "That's so Dee."  She said, "My mom does not want me or anyone else to say that.  It hurts my feelings.  I want you to stop."  Her friend said, "OK."  (I'm not sure if it really had happened, or if she was running it past me to see if it's what she should do.)  I did tell her they may forget, but every time, she needed to remind them until they get out of the habit.


6.  I told her I stopped showing affection because I knew it made her uncomfortable.  She was suppose to tell me she was ready when she was.  She didn't.  She mentioned it in therapy.  So every night, I take a good-night kiss.  She is still very uncomfortable, but at least I know she wants it.


I left a  happy girl at day camp this morning.  I pray she makes some good decisions and I pick up the same girl this afternoon.

Self-Image

Monday, Dee was in her new normal mood of depression at therapy.  She did not want to participate, but if we were going to insist, she was going to not see anything positively.  1) I don't really care about her.  2) We don't bond.  3) She is not as smart as other kids.  4) Her skin is too dark.  Yes, when the therapist told me these things, I rolled my eyes.  I'm not sure how much they bothered her in that moment and how much they bother her normally. 

I instituted a mandatory game time each day.  That's the kind of thing she considers "bonding."  So we play a game or two each day.   She does seem to like it.

I talked to her about me not caring, and of course, that is just nuts.  She went to see the psychiatrist the next day, and there she felt better.  Yes, she knew I loved her.  I am strict.  I do want her at home.  Answers directly opposed to the day before.  I told her that her answers were different, and she explained the day before away.

I told her when I was growing up, parents began to think that their children needed dolls that look like them.  They wanted to see African Americans on TV and doing well so their kids could know they were fine just the way they were.  I told her it wasn't as saturated as it is today.  It must have stuck with both of us today because she wanted a doll that cost too much, and I bought it.

Today, while at the mall having a scavenger hunt between us two, we stopped at the American Girl store.  She really wanted a doll, and I finally said, "You are the only daughter I have.  OK, get one."  She got one that was closest to her skin color.  She debated straight hair or curly hair -- but chose straight hair.  She named her Mariah.  We bought Mariah a pair of glasses and dance clothes that were on sale.  Here is Dee and mini-Dee (Mariah):

Tonight, we started reading the book we actually went to American Girl store to get:  "A Smart Girl's Guide to Liking Herself -- Even on Bad Days."  So when made this statement about someon on TV, "That was not smart.  Even I know that, and I'm Dee."  I was able to remind her that the book says that if you are to have high self-esteem, you can't call yourself names.  (In this case, an implied "dummy.")  Maybe we can still move forward.

Moving...Not Always Forward

It's so hard. When your little girl is busy trying to attach even though she is a RADdie, and she enters puberty and she is trying to detach and you start her on birth control and her strong emotions are even more intensified. It's hard. It's hard for me and it's hard for her. Sometimes, I can step back and look at what it must feel to be her. But many times, I can only look at what it must be to be me. Dee told her therapist that she is more aware that she is not as smart as other children. She is too dark. And that it seems like I don't like her. She is not as smart as most kids. Well...she is. But she processes things so slowly, she cannot show it because they have moved on when she gets to the answer. She is not too dark. I started teaching her stuff I learned growing up. "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." "Black is beautiful." She is offended by "black," so we have to say "African American." And sometimes, I don't like her. But I have to make sure she knows I always love her. The next day we went to the psychiatrist's office, and she was feeling much better. She is an "in the moment" child. She didn't like that I brought up concerns from the past three months...she considers that done. She did tell the doctor I was strict, but had a hard time coming up with one of my strict rules. We instituted mandatory game time. We play everyday. I am queen of "Mystery Date." I have had several dates with "bicycle picnic boy." She could not play that game two Christmases ago, but she has caught up to it. You can't have more than six cards, and now if she has 8 cards, she can easily put back two. Before, it was too hard, she couldn't process it fast enough. Next week, we go to her birth control appointment. We may switch her to a pill to see if her hormones can be a little more even. If they think it will even out some, I'd rather leave her on the shot. It means we don't have a daily reminder of this decision. I'm reading a good book for parents of girls going through adolescence: "Get Out of My Life. But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" It is normalizing some of her behaviors. I have such a hard time deciding what is normal. We move on. One step forward and many steps backwards...but always moving.

Dee's Musings

Dee wrote some of her thoughts and feelings out at camp.  She used a familiar style, what our devotions are in.  I loved them.  She gave me permission to share.


#1 Missing Mom/Home



Mom, I miss you so much, but my actions aren’t showing it cause it makes it look like I’m homesick, but today I’m not eating dinner. I don’t know why I’m not eating. Whenever I’m sad or mad or happy or etc, I start writing in this little book. It really helps me get my feelings out without showing people how I feel. Sometimes, I wish I was at home or at school or somewhere besides here.

I have some good news! I have gifts for you guys. Can’t wait to give them to you guys.

God, please help me not to become homesick . Amen





#2 Knowing if to love the devil or Not

Sometimes I feel like I hate people. But I can’t hate people. I’m a part of God’s family, not the Enemy’s, the devil. Well, God told me and the world to love our enemies even if they don’t like or love us. So I don’t know about that…about loving Satan.

God, please help me to know if I should love the devil or not. You told us to love our enemies, so I don’t know what to do. Amen.



#3 God Answering My Question

So if God said he was going to be with us whenever, wherever, then why doesn’t he answer me when I ask him a question. I mean people answer me right after I ask them a question (when we are not mad at each other) so why doesn’t God?

Is He too busy for me and my life and my family and my questions?

Please someone answer my questions because I’m not getting this.

Please help God. Amen.

Two Small Changes

Dee is back from camp.  She had a great time, and they had good things to say about her week when I picked her up.  She was super excited to come home and see how much the dogs had missed her.  She also wanted to watch TV!  I could tell she was not quite the moody girl who left, so that was very helpful.  Her counselor wrote that she would be praying for her for the things that they talked about.  This was the first time in the three camp trips that she took time to go through her stuff.  She showed off her crafts, and explained things that happened.  She is maturing.  She use to come home and think, "Camp is over." and never consider that she could share the experience. 

While she was gone, I was praying that I could find a better way to respond to that attitude of hers.  On Pinterest, I ran across an article called 100 Ways to be Kind to Your Child. (http://creativewithkids.com/100-ways-to-be-kind-to-your-child).  It's stuff we mostly know, but I'm not sure stuff I mostly do!

When you read through the list, you get a feel for the things you should do.  The first thing I decided to do was to smile every time she entered the room.  So when I'm in a room, if she walks in, I let my face light up with delight.  All of us would love to be greeted that way.

The second thing I decided to do, though not exactly on the list...it was influenced by the list is:  I will speak joyfully of her.  Although the attitude and other behaviors may return, I would not expect them.  I would speak about her with the same joy I had before she came home.

Because I think God is responding to my prayers, something unrelated happened that helped my resolve.  After reading that list, I got an e-mail at work that my e-mail box was too full.  When I started to clean out the box, I read all of the e-mails I had written in my adoption process.  That Gale knew the challenges she was in for, and she was up for the task.  She was excited and in love ... unconditionally.  It re-energized and re-focused me.

So, let's try this this again with two small changes.

Dance Mom

Have you seen the TV show called "Dance Mom"?  I have not, but people are often talking about it.  I do not want to be a dance mom.  I want to be a mom whose daughter takes dance -- casually!  But the week of recital made me feel like all I did was dance stuff.

Monday, Dee finished her tumbling class.  Tuesday, last day of lessons for tap and ballet.  Wednesday, we had a day off!  Thursday, dress practice.  Be there early.  Leave work early because really...your whole life should be your daughter's dancing.  Friday, don't go to work.  You have to find someone to put a phony pony-tail in your child's hair because a low left-side ponytail is part of the costume.  So what if your child's hair doesn't go in a ponytail.  (The school did not complain...but the kid did.)

She had to be there at 6:00 for the 7:30 show.  People began to line up to get seats.  I got in line.  I heard last year, there were not enough seats for the tickets sold.  I "saved" my five seats, even when they came over the speaker saying all seats had to be released.  (Very dance mom.)

Dee did wonderful!  She did so much better on her ballet.  And she did well on tap and hip hop too.  She didn't have make-up on like many of the girls, but she had her fake ponytail and some lip balm!

The next day, she started cheerleader clinic.  I think she likes it, but she acted as if she would rather be doing hard labor.

 Look at that tongue...she is giving it her all!

My little ballerina (second from the right)

 Final bow!

Giving autographs on the ad Chloe, Roxy and I placed for her (Dance mom and all)!

Time Apart

Dee is at camp.  Royal Family Kid Camp which is for foster and adopted children who have experienced trauma.  I love it.  It's church-based.  Volunteers who train heavily and want to give these kids the experience of a lifetime.  Dee is very contrary these days, so of course, she did not want to go.  I did tell her not to get homesick, and she said with feeling, "Oh, I won't."  I told her, "I believe that to be true."  She said good-bye and she would miss me, and never looked back.

On my part, I felt so much relief.  I'm always happy when this week comes.  I think God plants it when I need it most, but never more than this year.  Next year, I have no idea what I am going to do because she will age out.  I need calm time to think through how to deal with the constant of her bad attitude.  I need to figure out how to give her what she really wants despite what she says and how mean she says it.  and most importantly, I need to figure out how to stay calm and not get pulled into the attitude of it all!

She will be back in less than two days!  I have a lot of work to do!

Pre-Teen Years...OMG!

Dee brought home a bookmark that she was given from the school where she could read four books and with a teacher's or librarian's signature, she could get a free Wendy's Frosty.  When I saw the paper, I accused her of forgery.  She denied it.  So I scanned it and asked the school administrator to verify it.  To my surprise, they did.  The teacher had asked her high school helper to sign it.  I knew the signatures look young, but when I mentioned it to Dee, she said, "Maybe she is young!  Not everyone has to write like they are 50!"

So, on the day when she was going to be exonerated, what does she do?  She sneaks an old disabled cell phone to school.   I found it, and tossed it in the trash on the way into the building.

When I picked her up, she was her normal moody self.  The daycare worker told me she had a "little" boyfriend.  I told her, "Dee is not allowed to have a boyfriend.  She is 11."  After a little talk, she said that apparently something happened, and Dee was sad.  I suspect the boy told her to stop stalking her.  She so wants to be a teen.


I told her I owed her an apology, but she remained moody.  She didn't eat dinner.  She wouldn't speak to the neighbor who stopped by. 

I took her to tumbling and when I picked her up, she continued.  I checked to be sure she was washing up, and she was.  She has gained a ton of weight.  I sure hope I did the birth control in time.

I'm a little concerned about the freedom they have in daycare.  She is certainly making life difficult.

Appropriate Application

Tonight, our devotion was about going through problems and how God may allow you to do that so you can help someone else later.  I mentioned to Dee that she has the ability to help so many because she understands people who hurt.  I used foster children as an example.  She told me about a girl she befriended at day camp who is a foster child, but she doesn't know why.  Did her parents die?  She doesn't know.  And then the part that impressed me most was that she mentioned how the girl doesn't have confidence.  She said casually, "She uses a wheelchair."  I was so impressed that she didn't start the conversation with the fact that girl was a foster child or that she uses a wheelchair.  It means she really sees the girl for who she is.

We talked about how she might be a good and encouraging friend to this girl.  Then we prayed.

I am so pleased with how that thought processed worked in her.