Bully Prevention

Today the school had their bully prevention presentation.  Parents were invited, but it interfered with my work day.  The home-based teacher sent his daily e-mail at noon saying it went well, but the kids were emotional.  At 2:45, Dee sent me a text that said  she thought she was being bullied.  It came down to a girl who said Dee had kissed a boy.  I told Dee that was teasing or lying (after I made sure she did not kiss a boy).  But it would only become bullying if she kept at it and made her feel bad.

Then tonight, her friends called her from the skating rink.  We live around the corner, so we joined them.  It was a full of Middle Schoolers with zero parent supervision.  I was there, and had a hard time keeping up with Dee.  Most parents were not there.

At one point I looked for Dee, and found her in a group.  Her friend was being "kicked out."  Apparently, she had been in altercation with another girl.  I know this friend has no social skills, and her mom often feels she is bullied.  But someone taped it, and I watched it.  Dee's friend was the bully.  Dee didn't realize that, and she struggled with telling the other girl not to bully her friend or calling 9-1-1.  But she just stood there.  Dee said she understood she was a bystander and bystanders are as guilty as the next person.  She said she felt guilty.   (Look at her process!)  I told her she was right, she did not make the right decision, but it was better than her joining in.  She should have told an adult.  She had me there.  She should have gotten me.  If I were not there, she should have told the staff, like someone else must have done.  If she were at a place with no adult, then she should call 9-1-1.

The next time I couldn't find Dee, I sought her out and said, "Enough of this.  We're going home."  (She, of course, was purposely avoiding me.)  I walked the rink twice looking for her and so I know she was not where she said she was.  She did not ever put on a pair of skates.  It was scary there.    Kids too young showing too much PDA, using bad language and not many skating.  As we walked home (2 minutes) I explained to Dee why she would never go to the skating rink on a Friday night.  I also told her I didn't like how she purposely avoided me, or that she ignored my text.  (She didn't know she had received it.)Then when I got home, I called Dee's two friends' parents and told them get their children, or I could go back to get them for them.   Dee said, "I didn't think about it until I heard you talking to Miss Jackie, that we just left them there."  So she pulled some things together.  But even with training, she didn't know who the bully was today, or what to do.  And with a little freedom, she made a series of wrong choices.

That $7 was worth the lesson!

Middle School

Note: Middle School schedule is killing me! This post has been sitting half-written for a week!

Dee has been excited and nervous about Middle School. I could tell because when she should have been concentrating on other things, she'd ask a random question about school.

Two days before school started, they had "Back to School" night. We had to meet the teachers, check out lockers again, etc. I invited Dee's two friends and their moms to go out with the girls. It was very fun, and they had a chance to be nervous together.

Dee was super proud of her locker. And she and her freinds were hopeful and nervous for the whole experience.  Lockers were no big deal when I was in school, but it was all about the lockers that day.  I'm ashamed to say I spent about $40 on locker stuff..feeding into the frenzy.

At Dee's school, it's only 6th grade. They split the 800 kids into 8 or 10 teams. Dee has been a different person. She rides the bus, for the first time. She has done amazingly well!

On the third day of school, her home-base teacher called. (I thought and even said, "It's only Day 3!") But every teacher on her team was in on the call, and it was to declare that Dee had done well enough to be called a "Rock Star." She and three other kids earned special privileges. How exciting and confidence building for her. The best part of Rock Star is that the behavior spilled over to home. We had a super pleasant last week, and a pretty good this week.

Now that she is a middle schooler, one of her favorite things to do is to walk around with a Twilight book trying to look studious, or to open her math book to page 300 and copy the sample -- intently. So far, I must say, Middle School rocks!

Church Youth Group

Dee was so excited when she went to the 6th graders intro to youth group. It seemed so grown up and fun. Then today, we went to service, and she had Sunday School for the first time in the youth department. It's the first time in two years I would not be her teacher. When we arrived at the doorway and she saw kids from 11 - 17, she burst into tears. I had to take her back to my class and let her calm down. After a while, more kids her age arrived, so I took her back. I mouthed to one of the kids her age she was nervous and left. She had an OK time. She was thrilled with the fact they have a little store where you can buy candy, and treats. She assured me she would be the same way on Wednesday when she starts Middle School. A little bit ago, she came in my room to get clothes for her baby doll, Kaitaya. So, this change is hard for her.

The Letter

The letter came today from Dee's birth mom. It's sincere, but it's also vague. She says she is sorry, but she doesn't say why. She assures Dee she will tell her everything she wants to know. She will make up for anything she didn't do right, though she tried her best. It is full of love, but it is also disconcerting because it has no closure. I think it would mess Dee up a lot. It was a nice letter, but there is just something hanging. She doesn't tell Dee anything about her life now. She is sorry she is not here when Dee needs her. The biggest plus is she apparently loves her. I'll take it to show to the therapist, and then to a safety deposit box.

Tidbits

There are several things I want to catch up on. 

Dee
Dee has been doing well.  Her teeny bopper attitude does get on my nerve, but I feel she is handling a little more freedom and responsibility.  I'm not sure how it's going to work when she has to add school duties.

She is so excited about being in middle school.  Well...not the school part, but her first day of school outfit, and decorating her locker.  I had to work hard in school for my C, so I know how she feels.  Before school starts, you can daydream that you will be an A student this year.

She spent so much money on her locker decorations, I told her she'd have to find a backpack in the basement and re-use it.  She was fine with it  But it must have bugged her.  The next day, she asked if we could please go get a backpack.  We found an inexpensive one that she really liked.  On the way from shopping she asked, "Mom what is your blessings?"  I said I have many.  She asked what the greatest one was.  I said my salvation.  She agreed then told me after that it was her family, and her mom.  I knew then that getting that backpack had become a big deal to her.

Chloe
Chloe did not have a good result on her kidney test.  We are continuing with the meds, but if the meds mess with her kidney, then she will either die from congestive heart failure or kidney failure.  I asked which was the least painful.  The vet said we should not worry about that now.  I did some research, and think we should have fasted her before her blood test.  I will have her fast next time and not take her medicine.  I'm hopeful.  And between the two, I think kidney failure is the more gentler death.   Getting pills down her throat is going to kill me.  But this week, I think we will get some liquid meds.

Roxy
I guess Rox did not want to be left out.  She was napping on the floor and her ear was flipped over.  I saw she was suffering from one of her ear infections, but it was horrible!  We are now treating her.

Youth Group
Dee went to our church's youth group welcome tonight.  She had a ball.  Even though they only had the 6th graders tonight, she liked the idea that older kids will be there.  I met her teacher who has not taught at our church, but she works with at-risk kids.  I think she will be good for Dee.

Birth Family Ghosts
Dee's former social worker sent a note today that he met with Dee's birth mother a couple of weeks ago.  She is trying to adopt one of the siblings.  He told her to write an apology to each kid for her part in their neglect and abuse.  The letter to Dee came today.  He is sending it on.  I will not tell or give Dee the letter until later in her life.   Now is not the time.

Tired...And Getting More Tired
Our fall schedule is a mess:
Mondays - Therapy (every other week) and Dance (weekly)
Tuesdays - Tutoring (weekly) and Dance (weekly)
Wednesdays - Youth Group (weekly except when we have therapy)
Thursdays - Free!
Fridays - Free!
Saturday - Tutoring

So, I'm enjoying this week!  Our last week of summer dance (only once a week); and no tutoring!

Starting Middle School

Today was middle school registration.  Dee took her first day of school clothes to change into for her school pictures.  But changed her mind.  She was excited.  The big tension was whether she could open her locker...a big first in middle school.

At this middle school, it's only 6th graders.  So everyone at the school is new!  There are 800 sixth graders.  They are broken into teams (or mini-schools).  The big question is what team you are on.  But since  we are new to the school, no older siblings to share light on anything, it didn't matter.

Dee's elementary school assured me that they would break up the drama girls.  There were enough teams to make sure they each ended up on a different one.  I try to tell Dee that this gives her a fresh start.

We dropped off meds at the nurse's office.  I told the nurse that unless she is running a fever or throws up TWO days worth of food, don't call me.  She made a note.  Then I called Dee over and told her what I told her...and Dee said "Yeah, yeah."  So the nurse knows we have been over it before.

Dee could not get her locker open.  That's devastating.  Then I tried.  I know how to open a combination locker.  Wouldn't open.  The maintenance guys tried six combinations before they got it opened.  When we opened it, someone else's supplies were in it.  I could only conclude that Dee was given the wrong locker number.  When we checked at the office, sure enough, it was a typo.  Dee had trouble, but I walked her through and she was able to open it by the time we left.  She is super proud.  And because she got her locker opened, she is now excited about middle school!

I'm hopeful for my girl.  She is pretty focused on boys, and she is quite the drama girl, but I am hopeful she will make leaps and bounds of improvement this school year!

Eureka!

Today, we had therapy for the first time in three weeks.  I shared with the therapist some things in e-mail, and then we chatted as a group of three before she took her to the back.  As I was explaining what my friends saw when they were with Dee while I was traveling, some things became clear.

Dee did not know emotions when she first came.  We spent a lot of therapy time teaching her that everything doesn't mean anger.  She learned what the different emotions felt like.  We didn't realize she didn't really get what the different emotions should look like from her perspective.  She knew how others should look, but not from her perspective.  For example, when I came back and picked Dee up on my way from the airport and she was angry, my friends assured me that she desperately missed me.  We were confused.  As I relayed it to the therapist, it became clear that she was not showing what she felt.  She was showing anger.  The only emotion she ever knew.  Eureka!

The therapist told her it must be very confusing.  When you think your friends should be compassionate and caring, they are angry and you don't know why.  Then I said, it confuses me when I think you should be happy or thoughtful, and instead you seem mad or angry.  The therapist told me to keep it focused on how it impacts her.  How the confusion boomerangs back to her.  We told her that when she learned that all big feelings don't have the same response, then it will get better.

It explained a lot of our communication problem.  We got to this place because my friends who helped take care of Dee when I was out of town, all were able to see how much she missed me.  They all able to see that Dee's reaction when I got home, and they knew it did not match her feelings.  It was very helpful.

So...we now have something specific to work on. 

Chloe is sick...really, really sick

I just listened to Chloe and Roxy's hearts with my naked ear.  Chloe's is very loud.  It goes THUMP THUMP THUMP.  Roxy's is quiet, and it goes thump-a, thump-a, thump-a.  They sound nothing alike.  I am sad.

I am reading all I can about canine congenital heart failure.  This week I will have her liver and kidneys tested.  I pray hard that they are not failing too.

Chloe has lost weight, but she is eating like a pig.  I'm also giving her lots of food.  I want to see if she can gain weight.  I should cut out sodium, but if she has only months left, I want them to be happy.  And nothing makes her happier than food and snacks.  We'll see what the doctor says.

We are all on alert when she coughs.  Roxy has been concerned about the cough even before me.  Now, Dee and I stop what we are doing and look at each other with every cough.

Better get our family picture in.  We've been delaying it because of the heat because Chloe doesn't handle heat well at all, and Rox only does so so.

I want to minimize her trips to the groomer though.  They are tough on her.  Sigh.  Not fun!

Male Attention

Yesterday, my neighbors were over helping with some projects.  I had the opportunity to see my daughter get "happy" and flirt continuously with the husband.  She giggled non-stopped.  Phony giggly, there's no other word for it.

I sent her to take a bath.  She came down with short-shorts on, and her t-shirt tied in a "ponytail."  I told her to go change.  She tried to delay her exit by arguing.  I said, "Change.  Now."  (When clothes are handed down, and she has shorts she loves but they do not meet my standards, I do tell her she can sleep in them. ) But she knew she was doing wrong coming down in those shorts with company.

When she came back, she had un-ponytailed the shirt and had on more appropriate pants.  It was a detail I chose to watch for when I sent her upstairs.  All I could do was roll my eyes, and know that this means we do have a problem with any man who happens to show her attention.

I pointed it out to my female neighbor, and she said, "He's a good guy."  I know that.  But the next man who is kind to her may not be a "good guy."  And Little Girl...I am not even sure she is even aware of what she was doing.  Yet...it was pretty obvious.

Update from the Cody Simpson/ Big Time Rush concert.

So we are at the concert of Dee's favorite singer. He was he warm-up for a more famous band. I have ear plugs in. I did enjoy the two warm-ups (including my future son-in-law). Her emotions are a wreck.

She missed me appropriately while I was gone, but when I came back...it has only come out anger. Even my neighbors told me of totally disrespectful with them while I was gone. This is the last time she will have the birth control shot. I hope we can find something else. She is NEVER happy, and she use to be. Sad really.

In other news, my Chloe has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. It makes me sad. But she is pretty happy, so she is not that sick. My job is to keep it at bay as long as I can. Back to the concert...

Away from Home

Both Dee and I had a hard time with the good-bye. She wrote notes for me and put them in my suitcase. She was thoughtful enough to write one from her and each of the dogs. I wrote a note and left it on her bed, and then put one in each of her lunchables for the days I'm gone. She is texting me often, and in between, trying to take advantage of my friends. Dee ia also being very responsible. She is taking care of the dogs. Besides texting, we also Skype. That has been helpful. By the time I finally relax about leaving my kids, it will be time to go home. I am very pleased with how it's going. Whew!

Separaton

Dee was not feeling her best today, and she began to be sad that I am leaving. When we picked my niece up from the airport, she was talking a mile a minute with excitement. She became very sullen later and I was really worried she was going to be sick while I am gone. She was just disappointed that there was not enough time for my niece to do her hair today. She put some love notes in my suitcase and did the first round of packing for me. I told her I needed a sweater for the cold hotel training rooms, so she packed a sweat shirt. SWEATer and SWEAT shirt. (Easy mistake.) My niece is 20, but is pretty obsessed with the computer. I told her I want her to make sure my child is taken care of. I then told Dee that I am counting on her to make sure the dogs are OK. Her choices of clothes for the week will be ready for her. Her lunch choices are Luncheables or peanut and jelly with the normal sides: fruit, string cheese, and a snack. It'll be a good week for us both, I'm sure. I'll Skype daily. And the poor doggies do not even know I'm disappearing! Better sleep before it's time to get up. Dee went to bed on time telling Requiyah that tomorrow cannot be a bad day becaue I'm leaving.

Sleepover

Last night, Dee had a friend sleepover.  She has had many sleepovers, but this is the first time the kid hasn't had some special needs.  Having A here has been good to see.  Dee is thrilled.  If she could pick anyone in the world whose approval she would want, it's A.  A was the queen bee in fourth grade, but then she developed early like Dee.  Becoming a little unsure of herself made her lose her position in fifth grade.  She is still near the top of the elementary/middle school ranking.  Dee goes to the dance school A has gone to since she was toddler.  So, they have their things in common.

We rented a couple of movies.  They got to pick some junk food, and the hunkered down for movie night.  A invited me to watch, and Dee invited me not to.  I let them start the movie and then I went down.  In five minutes, I was asleep.  When I woke up, I came to bed.  The next time I woke up, they were also in bed.

It's been very pleasant.  Dee has been silly happy, but it's still pleasant.  My neighbor said it was good to see Dee so excited, and it made her miss being this age.

I'm sure A will come back again.  But it will be cool if Dee befriended more kids without drama-filled pasts.

On another note, on the way home Dee told me she was channeling her inner-Michelle,  (Her therapist), and has been counseling at day care.  One of the things she did was break up with a boy for a girl that didn't want to do it.  Of course, this boy started the summer off being Dee's boyfriend, and has moved methodically down the list of girls.  I told Dee it's every girl or boy responsibility to break up themselves.  If the boy can ask a girl to be his girlfriend, then the girl owes him to look at him in the eyes and break up.  A typical Dee response:  "Really, why didn't you ever tell me that?"

Leaving Town Soon

For the first time since Dee came home, I'm going to a conference for work.  It means for five days, she will need to stay with someone else.  My boss has been wanting me to go to this conference every year since the year she came. 

This year, I sent my 20-year old niece a ticket to fly here from Chicago to stay with her.  How hard is that?  I couldn't think of one person in my immediate area who could take care of her.  My choices were to fly her to Chicago and let her flitter from family member to family member, or to bring someone to us.  I chose the latter because it allowed me to keep her environment more controlled.

My niece who is coming does not share my moral standards, but she is pretty strict.  It was for her strictness that I chose her.

Dee is excited for another week of vacation of not going to day camp.  But last night, I changed my mind.  Dee behaves horribly when she does not have structure.  If she watches too much TV, she is disrespectful.  I decided to make sure my niece didn't have to fight with her, and Dee did not turn my niece in to 9-1-1, I should send her to day camp.

I didn't want to do day camp because I will be double paying.  I will pay my niece, and I will pay day camp.  I must do it.  My boss said she would reimburse the cost of the plane ticket.  That will be helpful.  She made me feel bad when she told me she told the Controller that the rules needed to be bent because my daughter was "special needs," and could not stay with just anyone.  I was aware that I must present my daughter better.

So, I have worked since last night to find someone to take her to day camp.  (My niece does not drive.)  My neighbors will take her each day and bring her back all but two days.  A friend will pick her up one day and take her to her dance class.  I will pick her up the other day because I will be on my way home from the airport.  I feel much better.  She and Requiyah will have only afternoon/evening hours to fill up.

So, I'm preparing for my niece.  Getting my three girls ready for my absence.  And thinking about packing for my trip.  It's very different preparing for this conference than it was B.D.  (Before Dee).

Just praying my dogs are loved, fed and walked, and my house is standing when I return!

Letter Update

Our morning only got worse after the letter incident.  It ended with her screaming, "You don't even care!"  And me responding, "Watch how much I don't care." 

This afternoon, I told her that letter didn't make sense.  I asked if she had copied S.  She said, "No, S wrote it."  Then I gave a speech about why it didn't make sense.  Whey she would not realize it didn't match the story of her life.  How she should have known that wasn't her story.  And why she could have stood up and said, "That won't work for me, I know my birth mom."  Or, "My mom has told me everything she knows about my birthmom."  Her eyes glazed over.  I do hate when I can see the disconnect in her brain.  This was one of those many times.


I failed to mention yesterday that her list of things she would do from now on was labeled:  "Things to do to get Fun Stuff."  She is a rewards kind of girl.  Never doing anything for nothing.  So, this afternoon, she apologized, and then said, "So, does that make you want to take back anything you said this morning?"

This morning, I threatened not to do dance in the fall, tutoring in the fall, or change the living room around to accommodate the new computer.  She was talking about the computer.  I said, "Yes, I should have made it clear that I care about you, and that I love you."  And I walked away.  She said, "Anything else...like maybe about a computer..."

I feel bad for her and me.  When does RAD leave?  When you think it's lessening, you find it hasn't moved at all.  She surprises me when she shows she is just as unattached as she was on day one.

A Letter

When I picked up Dee from day camp today, she had two letters for me.  One was a list of all the things she would do from now on.  Be obedient and respectful for the most part.  The other one is below:

Dear Mom,
I was wondering if maybe you could tell me everything I need to know about my family (my real family).  Like why did she give me up?  Why didn't she want me?  And I really want you to help me understand my real life.
Dee

I found this letter to be offensive since I have never withheld a speck of information from Dee about her birth family.  She was copying another little girl who was adopted as an infant.  Dee's birth mother didn't "give her up."  She was taken because of abuse and neglect.  Dee knows this. 

I went to the file cabinet and gave her all the notes I wrote from her foster care file.  I told her that as I told her before, these notes were hers.  I was saving them for her.  But if she felt I was keeping secrets, I didn't want them.  She could have them all now.  But that was the only copy, so I suggested she take good care of them.  She somehow let her friends pull her into a romantic view of adoption.


She went on to tell me when she said, "real family" she meant her family now.  So, now she is not just demanding, she is lying.  She went on to scream and yell and get belligerent.  Now...she is cleaning.  She is trying to pay me off.

She told me S was also giving her mom a letter.  S thought she was African American and she is Hispanic, so I suspect these are really her questions.

I am not in the mood.