Moving...Not Always Forward

It's so hard. When your little girl is busy trying to attach even though she is a RADdie, and she enters puberty and she is trying to detach and you start her on birth control and her strong emotions are even more intensified. It's hard. It's hard for me and it's hard for her. Sometimes, I can step back and look at what it must feel to be her. But many times, I can only look at what it must be to be me. Dee told her therapist that she is more aware that she is not as smart as other children. She is too dark. And that it seems like I don't like her. She is not as smart as most kids. Well...she is. But she processes things so slowly, she cannot show it because they have moved on when she gets to the answer. She is not too dark. I started teaching her stuff I learned growing up. "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." "Black is beautiful." She is offended by "black," so we have to say "African American." And sometimes, I don't like her. But I have to make sure she knows I always love her. The next day we went to the psychiatrist's office, and she was feeling much better. She is an "in the moment" child. She didn't like that I brought up concerns from the past three months...she considers that done. She did tell the doctor I was strict, but had a hard time coming up with one of my strict rules. We instituted mandatory game time. We play everyday. I am queen of "Mystery Date." I have had several dates with "bicycle picnic boy." She could not play that game two Christmases ago, but she has caught up to it. You can't have more than six cards, and now if she has 8 cards, she can easily put back two. Before, it was too hard, she couldn't process it fast enough. Next week, we go to her birth control appointment. We may switch her to a pill to see if her hormones can be a little more even. If they think it will even out some, I'd rather leave her on the shot. It means we don't have a daily reminder of this decision. I'm reading a good book for parents of girls going through adolescence: "Get Out of My Life. But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" It is normalizing some of her behaviors. I have such a hard time deciding what is normal. We move on. One step forward and many steps backwards...but always moving.

Dee's Musings

Dee wrote some of her thoughts and feelings out at camp.  She used a familiar style, what our devotions are in.  I loved them.  She gave me permission to share.


#1 Missing Mom/Home



Mom, I miss you so much, but my actions aren’t showing it cause it makes it look like I’m homesick, but today I’m not eating dinner. I don’t know why I’m not eating. Whenever I’m sad or mad or happy or etc, I start writing in this little book. It really helps me get my feelings out without showing people how I feel. Sometimes, I wish I was at home or at school or somewhere besides here.

I have some good news! I have gifts for you guys. Can’t wait to give them to you guys.

God, please help me not to become homesick . Amen





#2 Knowing if to love the devil or Not

Sometimes I feel like I hate people. But I can’t hate people. I’m a part of God’s family, not the Enemy’s, the devil. Well, God told me and the world to love our enemies even if they don’t like or love us. So I don’t know about that…about loving Satan.

God, please help me to know if I should love the devil or not. You told us to love our enemies, so I don’t know what to do. Amen.



#3 God Answering My Question

So if God said he was going to be with us whenever, wherever, then why doesn’t he answer me when I ask him a question. I mean people answer me right after I ask them a question (when we are not mad at each other) so why doesn’t God?

Is He too busy for me and my life and my family and my questions?

Please someone answer my questions because I’m not getting this.

Please help God. Amen.

Two Small Changes

Dee is back from camp.  She had a great time, and they had good things to say about her week when I picked her up.  She was super excited to come home and see how much the dogs had missed her.  She also wanted to watch TV!  I could tell she was not quite the moody girl who left, so that was very helpful.  Her counselor wrote that she would be praying for her for the things that they talked about.  This was the first time in the three camp trips that she took time to go through her stuff.  She showed off her crafts, and explained things that happened.  She is maturing.  She use to come home and think, "Camp is over." and never consider that she could share the experience. 

While she was gone, I was praying that I could find a better way to respond to that attitude of hers.  On Pinterest, I ran across an article called 100 Ways to be Kind to Your Child. (http://creativewithkids.com/100-ways-to-be-kind-to-your-child).  It's stuff we mostly know, but I'm not sure stuff I mostly do!

When you read through the list, you get a feel for the things you should do.  The first thing I decided to do was to smile every time she entered the room.  So when I'm in a room, if she walks in, I let my face light up with delight.  All of us would love to be greeted that way.

The second thing I decided to do, though not exactly on the list...it was influenced by the list is:  I will speak joyfully of her.  Although the attitude and other behaviors may return, I would not expect them.  I would speak about her with the same joy I had before she came home.

Because I think God is responding to my prayers, something unrelated happened that helped my resolve.  After reading that list, I got an e-mail at work that my e-mail box was too full.  When I started to clean out the box, I read all of the e-mails I had written in my adoption process.  That Gale knew the challenges she was in for, and she was up for the task.  She was excited and in love ... unconditionally.  It re-energized and re-focused me.

So, let's try this this again with two small changes.

Dance Mom

Have you seen the TV show called "Dance Mom"?  I have not, but people are often talking about it.  I do not want to be a dance mom.  I want to be a mom whose daughter takes dance -- casually!  But the week of recital made me feel like all I did was dance stuff.

Monday, Dee finished her tumbling class.  Tuesday, last day of lessons for tap and ballet.  Wednesday, we had a day off!  Thursday, dress practice.  Be there early.  Leave work early because really...your whole life should be your daughter's dancing.  Friday, don't go to work.  You have to find someone to put a phony pony-tail in your child's hair because a low left-side ponytail is part of the costume.  So what if your child's hair doesn't go in a ponytail.  (The school did not complain...but the kid did.)

She had to be there at 6:00 for the 7:30 show.  People began to line up to get seats.  I got in line.  I heard last year, there were not enough seats for the tickets sold.  I "saved" my five seats, even when they came over the speaker saying all seats had to be released.  (Very dance mom.)

Dee did wonderful!  She did so much better on her ballet.  And she did well on tap and hip hop too.  She didn't have make-up on like many of the girls, but she had her fake ponytail and some lip balm!

The next day, she started cheerleader clinic.  I think she likes it, but she acted as if she would rather be doing hard labor.

 Look at that tongue...she is giving it her all!

My little ballerina (second from the right)

 Final bow!

Giving autographs on the ad Chloe, Roxy and I placed for her (Dance mom and all)!

Time Apart

Dee is at camp.  Royal Family Kid Camp which is for foster and adopted children who have experienced trauma.  I love it.  It's church-based.  Volunteers who train heavily and want to give these kids the experience of a lifetime.  Dee is very contrary these days, so of course, she did not want to go.  I did tell her not to get homesick, and she said with feeling, "Oh, I won't."  I told her, "I believe that to be true."  She said good-bye and she would miss me, and never looked back.

On my part, I felt so much relief.  I'm always happy when this week comes.  I think God plants it when I need it most, but never more than this year.  Next year, I have no idea what I am going to do because she will age out.  I need calm time to think through how to deal with the constant of her bad attitude.  I need to figure out how to give her what she really wants despite what she says and how mean she says it.  and most importantly, I need to figure out how to stay calm and not get pulled into the attitude of it all!

She will be back in less than two days!  I have a lot of work to do!

Pre-Teen Years...OMG!

Dee brought home a bookmark that she was given from the school where she could read four books and with a teacher's or librarian's signature, she could get a free Wendy's Frosty.  When I saw the paper, I accused her of forgery.  She denied it.  So I scanned it and asked the school administrator to verify it.  To my surprise, they did.  The teacher had asked her high school helper to sign it.  I knew the signatures look young, but when I mentioned it to Dee, she said, "Maybe she is young!  Not everyone has to write like they are 50!"

So, on the day when she was going to be exonerated, what does she do?  She sneaks an old disabled cell phone to school.   I found it, and tossed it in the trash on the way into the building.

When I picked her up, she was her normal moody self.  The daycare worker told me she had a "little" boyfriend.  I told her, "Dee is not allowed to have a boyfriend.  She is 11."  After a little talk, she said that apparently something happened, and Dee was sad.  I suspect the boy told her to stop stalking her.  She so wants to be a teen.


I told her I owed her an apology, but she remained moody.  She didn't eat dinner.  She wouldn't speak to the neighbor who stopped by. 

I took her to tumbling and when I picked her up, she continued.  I checked to be sure she was washing up, and she was.  She has gained a ton of weight.  I sure hope I did the birth control in time.

I'm a little concerned about the freedom they have in daycare.  She is certainly making life difficult.

Appropriate Application

Tonight, our devotion was about going through problems and how God may allow you to do that so you can help someone else later.  I mentioned to Dee that she has the ability to help so many because she understands people who hurt.  I used foster children as an example.  She told me about a girl she befriended at day camp who is a foster child, but she doesn't know why.  Did her parents die?  She doesn't know.  And then the part that impressed me most was that she mentioned how the girl doesn't have confidence.  She said casually, "She uses a wheelchair."  I was so impressed that she didn't start the conversation with the fact that girl was a foster child or that she uses a wheelchair.  It means she really sees the girl for who she is.

We talked about how she might be a good and encouraging friend to this girl.  Then we prayed.

I am so pleased with how that thought processed worked in her.

Amazed!

That's me!  I'm amazed!  My daughter is very different.  I'm loving the kid she is.  She is dealing with a lot of moodiness, but she is not so angry anymore. 

Today at dinner, she prayed, "Thank you God that I did good in Middle School today."  She started summer school, and it seemed to be a boost to her confidence.

We had to wake up very early and get out of the door this morning.  We did it.  She got up, got dressed, ate breakfast!  I don't even know this life!  But I know this...I love it!

I really pray that she is turning the corner.  I hope that feels the boundaries I have in place that will keep her safe.  And the freedom to just be a child!

It's exciting in our house.  She is downstairs doing some summer work I have for her.  She agreed to do it before school started today, but she seems motivated to do it.  I'm really proud of her!

Vacation

So, we finally took a "real" vacation.  We spent the week before preparing for it, and spending too much money.  Then we spent the week of vacation.  I'm tired.

My biggest concern was the "too much good" issue we always have.  I went over it with Miss Dee over and over.  She really did much, much better than I anticipated.

The night before, we hung out with two of my friends that Dee calls "aunt" and had her family birthday party.  It was very nice.  Very simple.  We opened gifts she had received and enjoyed the beginning of our vacation!

We left for Disney World on Saturday.  We dropped off Chloe and Roxy at my friends.  They looked really sad to know they were going to be left.  Chloe usually spends the entire time hiding by her couch.  She was much better this time.  She even played.

Can you see them peering in the doorway as we drove off?

I got a note they had a "new Gale"  - NOT!

We then left for the airport and fun adventure in Orlando at Mickey's house!

Dee did not enjoy Magic Kingdom.  She tends to get fixated on one thing and wants nothing else.  That day, she wanted to be at the swimming pool.  Even though I told her that our ticket was for the entire day and we had to get our $160 worth out of it.  She wanted to leave almost as soon as she arrived.  It was actual birthday.  She turned 11!  I had prepaid for her to have dinner with the Princesses, but she wanted to swim.  She didn't eat.  She barely smiled.  I keep saying, "She became happy when we left the happiest place on earth."

The next day, we slept in, and waited to meet our friend who writes the blog, Last Mom.  I have known her for several years as we went through the entire adoption process together.  But this was the first time we got to meet.  Our girls are the same ages.  It was to be "my" day during vacation.  Dee told her therapist meeting Princess was her favorite part of vacation.  We had so much fun watching our girls be themselves.  They were able to relax knowing we were there, and knowing the other girl also had "issues."  LastMom and I were sort of lost trying to figure out what our role was as they played together.  And Dee...she finally got to swim...for a while.  It rained a lot.

We then went to do some shopping and eat.  Princess and her mom could not stay for dinner.  But they sure made our vacation.

The next day -- our last full day in Orlando, we hit another park.  It went much better!  I read an article Last Mom had written on visiting parks and took some of her advice.  Here's the article link: http://www.allthingsformom.com/tips_to_help_your_child_avoid_meltdowns_during_theme_park_vacations
We went to Hollywood Studios.  She handled it much better.  It was less overwhelming.  We had fun.  We came back and had a very nice dinner at our hotel.  And prepared to come home the next day!

We didn't do anything the last day, but prepare to leave.  We counted it as a very successful trip.  I was glad to get my doggy girls, drink good water and be home!  And because we continued to be on vacation from most responsibilities, Dee continued to handle it fairly well.  The real test will be on Monday when I must return to work, and she had daycare, and we are rushing around!

One Day to Disney

What a week!  You should never plan a big vacation in the same week your child promotes out of elementary school, she turns 11, and you have auditors in at work.  If you add that you are diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease and have to re-take your heart echo for your pulmonary hypertension...then you are bound to be tired.  If you add in that your daughter is being her normal self-absorbed self...you might be even be grumpy in your exhaustion.

Let's see.  After a quick visit to the doctor, he was able to quickly find the cause of my serious pain.  I'm just getting old.  After taking a second echo, my cardiologist had to call to explain to me why he thought the numbers were fine when he read the results but my pulmonologist did not.  I'm not sure why the "official" number varied from my cardiologist's number, but all is well.  I was very worried that I might be getting sick again and what would that mean for Dee.  God heard my prayer.

Dee had a fun birthday with her two local aunts and our doggies.  She got a cell phone.  I had someone record her greeting..."This is Dee's voice-mail.  Wait.  I'm Dee.  I don't have a voice-mail.  Do I have a voice-mail.  I HAVE A PHONE!  Happy Birthday Dee, from Mom, Chloe & Roxy!  Go find your phone."

So I hid the phone in a plant.  In a t-shirt, I put a note for her to call the phone.  She then heard the message.  BUT...only Dee could spot a tiny phone in a big plant.  She was just waiting for a time to get it.

We have matching shirts to wear, but hers is not cleaned nor did it make laundry. 

I better go to sleep.  I have 12 hours before we leave for the airport.  I will miss my furbabies.

The Big Week is Here

In Sunday School today when Dee read, she read as well as any of the other children.  I was so pleased.  I stopped the next reader and asked the kids, "Hasn't Dee gotten much better with her reading?"  They all agreed and had nice things to say.

We ate lunch out.  Dee was head down and looking mad the whole time.  She finally wrote a note asking if she could get her hair braided.  I circled "no."  She lost that privilege a month or two ago.  She knows it, but she still wanted it.  She continued in silence.  After a while, I asked if that is what we must do when she doesn't get her way.  She asked (with some attitude) what did I want her to talk about.  I offered:  1) You are in your last week of elementary school.  2) You are about to start day camp at middle school.  3) We are leaving on vacation this week.  4) You are turning 11 this week.  5) We have to plan treats to school this Tuesday.  6) We have to plan your birthday at Aunt Donna's. 

She yelled, "I get it."  Then she struggled, but eventually started talking.

We all four took a nap together in my bed.  She has a fun and stressful week.  I have a stressful and busy week.

Seven days to age 11.  Six days to Disney.  Five days to treats on the porch of Aunt Donna.  Three days to the big choir performance.  Four days to the last day of school.  Two days to 5th grade awards ceremony and birthday treats at school.  One day to choir practice at the high school.

Exhausting

It's one week until we make our big trip to Disney.  It's less than a week left of elementary school.  It's been horrible!  Dee is just full of attitude.  She is being sneaky.  She has that really dumb look on her face while she does not understand what you are saying. 

Yesterday, we had a big blow up because she could do her cheerleader camp for $200 if she still could fit her outfit from last year.  If she could not, then it would be $325.  Both are cheaper than last year, but I was so excited to save the $125 because I was sure she could fit it.  I told her we had to find it.  She wasn't looking and was working herself into a tantrum.  I knew then, she knew where it was.

Apparently, she "snuck" it to school one day.  Then not knowing how to get it back since I was checking her backpack, she left it there a while.  It was in the lost and found.  When she was ready to get it back, it was gone.  I am not happy.  So, she has lost her iPod to pay for the uniform.

In her tantrum, she called me "Lady" and "Dummy".  She said, "Lady, what do you want me to do?"  She also kept saying, "Why did you even adopt me"? 

I finally grabbed the camera and started filming her.  (I'll add the link later if I can ever figure out where it saved on my computer.)  She stopped her tantruming and throwing things.  She just argued.  I was apparently at the end of my rope.  When she calmed down,  told her I don't want to hear her ask why I adopted her.  She should say, "Thank you for adopting me."   I told her how her life could have been.  Maybe she would have aged out.  Who would teach her how to pay bills and do the stuff you need to do when you are grown?  Would she go to one of the best schools in the state?  Would she live in a safe neighborhood where you can leave your toys outside and it stays?  Or you can ride your bike and no one pulls a gun on you?  Maybe, but probably not if she aged out.

More and more we are talking both in therapy and home about how God plays a role in her decisions.  She asked at therapy, "Why are we talking about religion?"  I said, "Because we are religious people."  And then we talked about how God is part of our lives all of the time.  Not during devotions or at church.

Do I regret planning this trip?  Yes.  But it's not the only problem.  Earlier decisions are just now catching up with her.  She left the science out of her science fair project.  She does good with the "appearance" of a normal age-level child, but she is really a toddler and her teachers and I all seem to forget that.

Better take her to her choir performance....she is dressed like a bum!  Oh well!

Celebrating Others

Well...it's Mother's Day.  We know that that means our kids won't do well.  They are conflicted in their feelings and loyalties to us and their birth moms.  I decided that it's OK if she wants to have mixed feelings, but it is imperative she begins to learn to think of others and to celebrate them.

A few weeks ago, I told her to start saving money for my Mother's Day gift.  I reminded her off and on.  She saved nothing.  Two days ago, I gave her a $25 gift card I won in a raffle.  I told her I wanted her to buy me a gift, and spend it all on me!  I told her it's not quite like if she spent her own money on it, but it does matter if she picks it.  She spent all but fifty-seven cents.  And when she had wrapped the gifts, she was excited and proud.  She wanted to get up in the middle of the night to sneak the gift in my room.

I told her yesterday that it was Mother's Day.  I expected a good day.  If she were going to say mean things or be mean, please do not talk to me.  If she was going to be sarcastic, please do not go to my  Sunday School class.  I reminded her that I was a good mom, and I deserved this day.  And...I was going to make sure it stayed good.

Her card told me that I should "Be Prepared to Have a Good Day."  And for the most part...it was.

She gave me the gifts early on.  She wrapped the Carmel Apple wraps.  But she brought the nail polish in unwrapped.  (I think she was thinking about keeping them.)  She was nice all day.

On the way to lunch, she asked if she could go to Target and Best Buy -- two stores she had residual balances for on gift cards.  She picked up three nail polishes in Target for herself.  They totalled $16.  She had $5.00 and something.  I made her make a choice.  She got one.  She pouted and acted upset afterwards.

We talked about it and she assured me she was not angry, but disappointed.  I told her if she was going to be disappointed, then I didn't want to have lunch with her.  She said nothing, so we came home.  I did tell her since she was just randomly shopping, she had no right to be disappointed.  And I told her I felt I got polish because she wanted polish.  (And may I say, she has used both of my polishes already.)  How did MY day become about her?

Later, I told her we were going to dinner.  She made some suggestions since had picked where lunch was.  I told her I was picking the place.  We had a great time at dinner.

I suspect that she will not be so kind tomorrow, but for today, she did her best to give me a good day.  I did my best at reminding her she should.  The test will come next year when I get to see if she remembers that it is not about her.  She said that today when she debriefed the Target episode.  She said, "Hey, I'm proud.  I realized that everything is not about me."  I told her I didn't understand why that was a big deal...she knew that already.  She likes to re-learn and re-learn the same things, but I think I have to show her that at some point, she must mark it "Completed" and move on.

I had a great Mother's Day.  It was some work, but I still had fun.  At dinner, I handed her my credit card with her and the dogs' picture, and had her pay for it.  Then we took out some paper and figured the tip instead of giving the waiter the blanket $20.00 Dee suggested.  (She was disappointed again to use multiplication with decimals!)

We still have dessert to eat tomorrow.  Speaking of...tomorrow she will have her first paid babysitter in two years.  I have a meeting, and it's time I dabbled in freedom.  Stay tuned....

Life Lesson

Yesterday, when walking into Walmart.  I saw two police cars.  As we walked in, I said, "Yup...a shoplifter."  Dee grunted something that meant, "Why are you telling me?"  We walked by a policeman patting down a person.  A plain clothes security guard bragging that patience was a virtue.  A clerk going home telling her kids that they caught a thief.

I saw Dee walking with her hands hugging her body.  I was going to warn her about stealing, but I didn't have to.  She was on her p's and q's.  She has heard me say that it can happen, but a picture is worth a thousand words.

I actually have never seen them pat someone down.  But in our little town, our store will give the option of being prosecuted or standing in a case near the street so everyone knows you tried to steal.  (I have not seen that in a couple of years, so people have stopped stealing or the store has done away with that option.)  It was good for her to see.  Maybe this is what her impulse will need to help control it.

Giving Birth....NOT

I had one of those random thoughts jump into your mind when you are in the shower.  I was thinking about how the three of us in our department at work have kids who have ADHD or ADD.  We are all two years apart, and our children are within one year of each other in age.  So, I concluded, "Maybe moms who have kids later in life have a greater opportunity to have kids with attention disorders."  We were all 41 when our kids were born.  THEN...I realized, "I didn't give birth to Dee!" 

It just sort of cracked me up that I forgot!  I think that means I'm making progress in MY attachment disorder.

This week

So we started the week with a trip to the children's hospital Teen Clinic.  Our appointment was at 8:15, and we left at 10:30.  It is very detailed to put a kid on birth control.  The doctor spoke to me, then her and us together.  The nurse came in and did sex ed.  The social worker came in and talked to me, then her and us together.  Then the nurse returned to talk about condoms because she asked if I wanted to do that or her.  I let her.  She was very good at what she did.

When all was said and done, Dee had to sign for the shot.  Not me, the mom of the minor child...her.  They gave me a copy of the information she signed.  The dirty deed is done for the next three months.  (How can you feel good about putting your not-yet-11-year-old on birth control?)  I am glad it's a three-month shot.  We are not reminded daily of what we are doing.  It's invisible and possibly forgotten until August.

Then today I had a doctor's appointment.  He said my pressures in my lung are slowly rising.  So, I have to do some tests to determine what we will do next.  He said I had to be proactive now that I have a daughter.  I was very sick and near death years ago.  I am not at all sick now.  I think one of the numbers is incorrect.  I think it's all OK, and I certainly don't want to stress Dee out. 

I've  been focused this week on getting a new phone (iPhone) or an iPad.  I really like my Droid, but I have trouble getting work e-mail.  In the end, I got the iPad.  So...I have a new toy!  And Dee is not use to me getting something.  She did good on the shopping trip.