Sibling Visit

We woke up Tuesday with our normal rushing around.  Dee was forced to find her dance stuff.  We got our work and school bags packed, and we rushed out.  I stopped at the ATM, then we went on to school.  When we hit the school's street, I said, "Wow!  I have a taste for S Food."  (It's a particular fast food restaurant from Dee's hometown.)  Then I told her I thought I would go get some.  She asked, "Without me?"  I told her never!  She asked, "When, tomorrow?"  I told her, "No...let's go today."  We pulled into the school's lot.  We reorganized ourselves.  I called my boss, and told her I sent the school an e-mail telling them she may be absent, but I wasn't sure.  We drove through McDonalds, and I gave her her DVD player and we got a Red Box movie, iPod and drawing paper and crayons.

The drive is about 3 hours.  At about an hour in, we left our area, so I told her that there was another reason I wanted to make the trip.  We were going to see her litte brother.  I got choked up telling her.  She didn't notice.  She had her own emotions.  She was happy, but equally nervous.

When we stopped at a rest stop, I asked if she wanted to continue and she said yes.  When we were an hour out, I called her brother's foster mom.   A little later, we  had a call from the social worker chaning our locations.  When we arrived at Chuck E Cheese, the social worker was there.  We were thrilled to see him.  He really cares about this family.

We waited for the brother and his foster mom to come.  She thought I was going to call again.  When they did arrive, that little boy came in so joyful!  Full of RAD!  He was charming.  He hugged me like his long-lost mother.  Later when I asked him if he knew who I was, he not only didn't know who I was, he didn't know Dee had been adopted.  I really enjoyed watching them play together.  Little brother J was too excited to eat.  Dee kept calling him by a neighbor's name. 

Two social workers, me and foster mom were the adults there.  We all had so much fun watching them play.  Dee said it was the best day ever.  We drove around her hometown.

After the visit, Dee had some poor behavior and lots of disrespectfulness.  I expected it, but I didn't like it.  I asked her today if she thought she was good seeing her brothers until she is grown, and she said yes.  Her brother two years her senior is not doing well enough to have a sibling visit.  She never asked about him.  He wrote her a note last fall, and since that time, she hasn't mentioned his name.  I wonder if that wil happen with this brother two years her junior.  Maybe she will be able to move on.

I wish she coud keep touch with her siblings.  They are all victims, but she is my major concern.  If she doesn't want to, we won't.  As I told her, "It your birth family.  If you don't want to spend time, write or talk to them that's up to you."  But I'm glad we had Tuesday.  It was one of my top days too!

A Super Busy Four-Day Weekend

It was nice that we had a long weekend because of President's Day.  We don't have that day off from work, but since Dee didn't have school or day care, it became a holiday.  I had a dental appointment and we had therapy.  Those two things with driving pretty much took off our Monday.

Our Sunday was full of church and activities.  We had church and Sunday School and I took my Sunday School kids to skate.  So much fun!!!  We had 14 kids and my coworker came to help.  We came to my house first and had pizza.  I was exhausted when all was said and done!

This followed a long day on Saturday at the adopt a pet event.  Millie didn't even get a glance.  And as I said, Dee and Reena weren't trustworthy there.

Friday night we spent a fortune to see a movie at the IMAX.  I was actually happy to see the weekend end, and go back to work.  I will write separately about the fantastic Tuesday we had before it all actually ended.

Overcrowded

Dee had a friend who spent part of a week with us.  She stayed Thursday evening until Sunday afternoon.  Part of that time, we also had four dogs.  Talk about exhausting!

Nettie Jo, our foster dog, was adopted on Friday evening. 

Dee's friend, Reena, was adopted as an infant.  Her mom is now single and older.  Reena can be whiny, and she is sneaky.

While at the pet adoption event on Saturday, she talked Dee into sneaking an extra donut.  She came to church with us and talked through it, then slumped in disinterest during Sunday School.  I spent time explaining to Dee that that kind of disrespect should not be tolerated by her.

Dee had a birthday party to attend, and I chose to not cancel it.  Dee went to her party, and Reena and I rode around and had dinner together. 

Reena had to list the mom's in order of strictness, and they came out:  Me, Her mom, A's mom, C's Mom and J's Mom.  Her mom is super easy, so that is a skewed view.  But I'm pretty sure she was right about me.  I took her iPod from her until I saw her brushing her teeth since I had been asking her for a day.

I was happy to see her mom come in on Sunday afternoon. 

IEP

Dee has an IEP for her ADHD.  She is doing pretty well being pulled for math and reading.  She seemed to really get the unit on geometry.  So her special ed teacher wrote and told me she was thinking about phasing her out of math.  I told her I disagreed with that plan.  The day before her IEP meeting, she sent a draft home, and it did not include math.  I was concerned.

I stayed up until midnight researching how to disagree with an IEP.  It helped.  I had to type out why I disagreed.  So when we started the meeting, she said "I know you are concerned about math."  I was able to state in a very clear manner why I did not think she was ready for math in a regular class.  I had brought examples of her work.  Her teacher said, "In my class, she gets this."  I said, "She is going to need to get this not just in your class, but her regular class and home too."

We finally agreed that she would stay in regular class for instruction.  She would then come down to special education for help.

She has made progress, but she is still far behind.  Someone suggested her IQ was far off.  The educational expert asked what I thought.  I said, "Her IQ is brought down by processing time.  It does take her a long time to process.  So it may be low, but not quite as low as she tests."  She said, "Let's make a note not to use WISC test next year when she is re-tested."  Apparently WISC gives more credit to processing speed.  Good to know.

All in all it was a good meeting.  I didn't make any enemies.  And I still find we are all on the same team.

That same night, was student-led conferences.  Dee did not do so well in leading, but that's because her friend was with us to spend a few nights.

When I Don't Blog...

I found that mom's words of "if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing" must come to mind with blogging.  When I'm very exhausted or frustrated I just can't write.  So, the next few posts are things I remember from the past couple of weeks that I want to write about.  Now, I may be able to see them from a clearer perspective.

So...here we go!

A Shining Star

My little girl is doing so well during her school day.  I believe yesterday is the best day we have ever had.  First, her special ed teacher wrote and told me she was doing so well.  She is trying hard and has a good attitude.  That same day her aftercare director said she had had two EXCELLENT days.  She sent me an e-mail during the school day saying she was doing so well in her special ed math that she may be able to go to regular math for this subject.  She was proud!  So am I!

I pray that she is beginning to settle and get it.  She takes 300 mg of tripletpal, and one thing I did was rearrange those doses.  That may have helped. 

Yay Dee!!!!  Way to go!  Make your momma happy!!!

Today, I posted a note to Dee's birthmom using my special Facebook page I use for her.  As far as I know, she never checks it.  She has been on twice, and each time she set up a new page.

E,

This is Dee's adoptive mother. I wanted to tell you happy birthday from her and me. Here's how our talk went this morning on the way to school.

Dee remembered it was your birthday because I told her all week it was approaching:

Dee: Today is my birth mom's birthday.

Me: Happy Birthday E! The big 2! 9! Yay!

Dee: God, please be with E. Help her to be happy. Please give her the message so she knows I want her to have a happy birthday.

So, I thought it might be OK that God use me to get Dee's message to you. I didn't tell her to pray, but she said she sends lots of messages to you by prayer.

Have a wonderful day. Know she loves you a lot!


"K" - Not my actual name

So far behind

I haven't been keeping my blog up-to-date because I've been so tired.  I've been falling asleep before 9:00.  And there's just so much to do.  Let's see if I can remember anything!

Tires
I found out that my tires needed to be replaced.  I didn't want to pay the apparent $600 - $800.  So I've spent too much time thinking about it.  I did find that my front tires were OK for now, so I only replaced the back ones.   It's going to help in a couple of weeks when we make the three-hour drive for Dee's surprise sibling visit.

Doggies
Roxy is doing better, but is not happy.  That makes me sad.  I was hoping that getting those stones out would make her happier.  We have a foster dog, so that does not excite her.  Little Millie is being fostered by Dee.  I know when she gets adopted, Dee will not handle it well because they are hanging out a lot.  Chloe is doing fine.  She is happy and only asks for a little.

Season Inappropriate
Dee is dressing incorrectly for the season at all times.  I have no patience for it anymore.  When it was hitting sixties, she wore snow boots everyday.  Today it snowed a little, and she went bare legged, and wore those little plastic summer shoes with holes throughout.  She is known to put on thing t-shirts, and have asked to wear Capri's. 

Work
Work is super busy.  I need to work more than my regular hours, but I can't because I've been tired.

Dance
Dee has been moved from level one to level three in Hip Hop.  It was a nice e-mail.  They said they felt she was a fast learner and she was doing so well, they thought she could do level three.  She was proud...for a second.  Then she thought about it, and thought about failing, and said, "No thank you."  I had to take an honor and make it a duty.  I told her I could not let her give up in life before she tried.  It might be challenging, but the school thought she could do it.  I told her teacher she did not want to be there.  I threatened that if she didn't try, we'd drop Hip Hop and replace it with math tutoring.  (Yes, I thought that was genius.)  In the end, she had a ball, and has been dancing since!

Girl Drama
It always exists and Dee is always in the middle.  Last week my friend picked Dee up from school while I continued my tire search.  Dee was downcast.  When we met for dinner, Dee continued to be sad.  I couldn't get the whole story but something about someone saying she was "going out with Cody."  And then she had to go see the counselor.  She talked to her therapist, who told her to apologize.  So, I'm not sure all that is involved.  But it's constant, and it's driving me nuts too!

iPod
Dee is not allowed her iPod right now because she misused it at school.  Everyday she sabotages our nighttime routine, she loses another day.  She should get it back for home use on February  11th, but it's up to February 14th now.  She lost a day today.  I heard her crying long after I put her to bed.  I thought something was wrong, but remembered she lost a day, so I let her cry.  She is always testing.

Circle Your Answer
Dee is communicating a lot with note passing.  She will hand me a piece of paper with a question, and say, "Just circle your answer, don't say it.'  Yesterday, it was, "Can we go to the hair store?"  Yes or No.  The answer was no.  I found one in her notebook for me:  Circle one:  I love you.  I don't like you very much this moment.  She didn't give it to me.  But she always wants to see your answer within the realm of her context. 

Ready to start a week.  I need to get a lot done at work because I miss several days after this week.

Dumb Decision

We are not allowed to use the word "dumb" in our house, so I tried to think of something else to call this post, but really...nothing else describes it as well.

Yesterday, when I turned on the stove, I realized the coils of the burner I was going to use was crooked.  I tried to right it before the burner warmed up.  For the record:  Burners warm up IMMEDIATELY!  I called Dee, and asked her to bring the first aid kit.  While I worked on my burnt fingers that came flesh to coil with the burner, Dee had to finish cooking dinner.

I was in serious pain.  During that time, Dee said, "I told you I was the brains of this house."  Not appreciated at the time, but she did have a good point.  Then as we sat to eat, I just cried in pain.  Dee took the phone called my mom.  "Grandma, your daughter burnt her hand on the stove and she is crying."  My mom told her to have me run cold water on it, and if it continues she may need to go to the doctor."  Dee sat down to dinner, and I cried out in pain.  She grabbed the phone.  I asked her who she was calling, "9-1-1."  I grabbed the phone.  She said I needed an ambulance and began to plan her life with me away:
I won't go  to school tomorrow.  I'll call grandma and she can tell me how to cook everyday.  I will have a major party.

Meanwhile, I was still crying in pain.  I tried burn ointment, water, ice, frozen everything in the freezer.  Finally, I read about flour.  I grabbed a bag out of the freezer and stuck my hand in it.  I took an acetamenophin with Codeine from three years ago, and between those two...it became bearable.

Dee was proud of herself.  So was I.  But I was also struck with how attachment or lack thereof reared its ugly head.  She showed a little concern for me, but she detached, and plan her life without me...rather quickly.

We talked about it today.  She assured me that she loves me and she would miss me.  I told her in the book I'm reading there was a line,  "Until you love me, you can never trust."  And I told her that is where I think we are.  She said, "I do love you."   I asked her if she felt I loved her.  She said even when I'm angry, she knows I love her.  So...we have made some progress.  There's still so much more to do.

So much!

My little girl is not being very nice.  She has the attitude that won't quit and she is just acting rather mean and entitled.  I've tried various things with her, but nothing seems to work.  In fact, I think to pay me back, she even urinated on some clothes and stuffed them back in my drawer.

I've had to work hard at not picking up her attitude.  I think that is driving her nuts even more.

This morning, for the second day in a row, she refused to get up for school.  She was testing to see if I would do what I said.  I put her clothes in the car and gave her a minute to get out.  She came out as slowly as she could.  I left her and came back five minutes later.  I gave her the option of going to the police station for truancy or to school.

On the way to school, I told her that I've done a lot of things to make her feel loved and special.  Normally, that person would try to make me feel loved and special too.  But she thinks "I'm loved and special, and you are not...and I'll prove it to you."  I told her that I wanted her to know three things:  1) I am special!  2) I am loved.  3)I'm going to prove 1 and 2 to her. 

She didn't have time to grab her eyeglasses this morning, but she did grab her new shoes her aunt sent her yesterday.  (When she called my sister, my sister told her she was surprised I gave it to her.  Children who are disrespectful  should not get new  shoes.  Dee assured her she had changed.)

As I left the school building, she told me she was going to make a plan.  I told her it was a good idea because her current one is not working.  And then after all this early morning drama, she asked "Mom, does skinny jeans go well with high tops?"

On the way to work, I thought "I think it was around this time of the year when her and her siblings came into care for the final time.  They were home for about a month, and then re-entered the foster care system.  Maybe her body knows.

On another note, I have gotten permission to take her to see her younger brother.  She has not been allowed contact with her siblings because she is a bad influence on them.  I won't tell her about it until late February when we are well on our way in our three hour drive there.  I'm excited for her, but I wish she were mentally healthier.

Home Life

Rox continues to mend.  She has dealt with lots of nausea.  I took her back once, and may have to do it again, but she seemed to perk up a little yesterday.

Dee on the other hand, is driving me bonkers.  She has an attitude that won't quit.  We saw her psychiatrist for medication.  I think she could pick up that I was tired of Dee's games.  She asked if Dee was just disrespectful and full of attitude when I gave her something to do.  I had to tell her, it's even when I do something "nice" for her.

This morning, I said, "You need socks.  It's super cold."  She started with the attitude.  I kicked her out of my room, and told her not to talk to me for the rest of the morning.  That...she doesn't mind.  She minds that I did not give her her iPod to use for reading.

My little attached deficient child's iPod is in my purse.  When I turned it on, I saw her wallpaper is that of her birthmom and two siblings she never has met.

Chloe, my child who is doing good right now is just fine.  She just needed to be mentioned!

Roxy's Surgery

My little Rocky is home from the hospital.  I was way more glad to see her than she was to see me.  I'm blaming anesthesia.



On her way to surgery



She is doing real well.  She struggles to urinate, but they did cut her bladder, so that makes sense.  She has 13 staples.  And from diagnosis to coming home, it cost $1,110.  She is worth every penny, but we just don't have an extra thousand dollars lying around.

13 staples

Rox is Having Surgery

My little Roxy Hope is having surgery tomorrow to get all of those stones out of her bladder.  I hope she feels much better.  Our vet ordered her a special food, that I'm not sure she will eat, but it's critical to at least try to keep stones from forming in her bladder.

This is Roxy's second bladder stone surgery.  She had one about four years ago.  She was three then, now she is seven.  It scares me a little more.  I worried last time that she had to stay at the vet even though no one works at night.  This time I'm less worried about that because she was so drugged last time, I don't think she even knew she was there.  It doesn't make sense to me that she has to stay there.  I worry they may come in to a dog that had a heart attack during the night, but what good would being there do? 

I bought a Frosty from Wendy's and we shared it.  I wanted her to have some special treatment.  Roxy is my sweet-tooth girl.  (Chloe is more a protein girl.) 

I don't think she will go as willingly into the vet's office tomorrow.  She has stayed the day two times in a week, so I think she has caught on.  Poor baby.  I cried last time I took her for surgery, and I suspect I will do it again.

I know they will do their best.  I insisted my 30-year old vet does the surgery.  I know he is young, but I suspect he'd rather do most anything than tell me something happened to my dog.  And that little fear will help him do his best.
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(This section is about Dee's period.  It can be graphic.  Please skip if you'd like.)

Today, is Day 3 of  Dee being on her period.  My child is very, very literal.  So I do make a special effort to tell her exactly what I want her to know.  She does not have the ability to transfer, infer or draw conclusions on her own.  Here's some of our menstrual conversations.

#1
I told Dee that she had to stop before she left any bathroom and turn and look at the toilet.  I said, "Make sure there is no blood left on the toilet seat, and all pads are wrapped and thrown away properly."  My sweet little girl asked, "Why would there be blood on the toilet?"  I thought that was the end of that conversation.  This morning, while I was showering, etc.,  Dee knocked on the door.  She wanted me to know the blood had changed colors, and that there was blood in the toilet.  I told her, "That's how periods work."  And as I closed the bathroom door, I heard her mumble to herself as she went down the stairs, "I thought it was suppose to go in the pad."

#2
Dee had dance tonight, so she took her dance clothes to school.  She changes into her dance wear because we need every minute we can get to make there in time.  When I checked her school bag later this evening, I saw her underwear in it.  I asked her if she put her pad in her leotard.  (I was going to tell her that is not OK.)  But she said, "No, it was pretty full, so I threw it away."  I asked if she had on any pad, and she said, "No."  So I used more picture forming words, "When you are on your period, you must wear underwear and a pad at all times except when you are in the bathtub."  I hope that covers it.

#3
Why do we have periods monthly?  Why can't the blood come out all at once?  I told her it was the way God made us.  So, she has decided to take it up with Him. 

The Seven Dreaded Words

I think at different ages, there are different things you'd rather not hear your kid say.  For instance:

•  Age 4, you don't want to hear the kid say, "I want to wear pampers again Mommy." 
• At age 15, you don't want your kid to say, "I need to get some birth control." 
• At  age 18, your worst fear is hearing, "Thanks I'm going to my 'real' mom." 
• At age 30, "Can we come and live with you?" 

I think at any age, you can come up with seven words you don't want to hear.

I heard the ones today for your 10-year old daughter:  "Mom, I think my period has started."  And yes, it did.  Dee is so happy.  She is dancing around.  She is so happy and so proud!  Her mom...not so much!  This opens so many doors I wanted to keep closed.

This child, who has a porn problem, now with grown-up hormones and child-birthing abilities.  Scary!  And has she completed most of her growing already?  We want her taller for her strong bone structure.

And what do you do with a child on her period, who doesn't EVER flush the toilet?  Can she start?

I am glad she is excited.   It's better than being scared or angry.  She was prepared.  We've talked a lot about it.  She has memorized the Tampon Company pamphlet she received at school.  She was not scared at all.

Today, we talked for the zillionth time about leaving a clean bathroom at home and school.  We started charting her days.  I will teach her how to know when to expect it.

Her body fat percentage on our scale is 14.  We've been expecting it since it hit 13%.  I saw a documentary once that said at 13% body fat, girls have enough estrogen to start.

In my day, my mom would call everyone and tell them "Dee has become a young lady."  Let's go with that...it is more positive than anything I can come up with.

New Year...Slow Beginnings

Dee became very use to the time off we had.  Even though we only did four-day weekends, we had two of them in a row.  It was very relaxing and nice to be home.  She was not excited school started back this week, but I was.  I felt we needed some routine.

Dee's teacher is allowing them to bring their electronics in to school to read e-books.  I think it's nice she is encouraging them in any way, but I only foresee problems.  The district has a policy of no electronics at school.  Some kid will lose their iPod, Nook or Kindle.  I hope it works out.  Dee begged and even though I'm going to miss the big investment I have in this iPod, I said OK.  Of course, we had to rush and download a book!

Last night Dee knew her teacher was considering this so she asked.  I told her I needed to hear it from the teacher.  She asked me to not give her her iPod.  (I keep it during the night hours.)  She told me she had plans to sneak it, and it was making her not sleep.  I congratulated her on feeling guilty BEFORE she did the wrong thing instead of AFTER.  It's a huge step.  She did substitute and try to sneak her lotions and lip balms to school.  But when I asked what she had with her that should not go to school, she said, "OK, fine."  And took the bag of items out.  I explained to her after school why she could not take that kind of stuff.  It would distract her to no end. 

Today Dee's quarterly bank statement came in the mail.  She was scared to open it since she has not put any money in during the entire quarter.  She has not done a good job of saving in 2011.  She saved $59.  She could have done more.

Roxy has been acting like she has a urinary tract infection.  I took her to the vet.  We think her urate stones are back.  That can't be comfortable.  My poor baby.  She had an x-ray, and is due for an ultrasound next week.  Vet bills are one big expense.  Yesterday's x-rays and visit was $176.00.  If I have it, my baby is worth it.

Chloe is just being her sweet self.  She does not like having a foster dog in the house.  She has been having vivid dreams involving screams.  She is twice the size of the foster and the foster doesn't care about her.  But she is stressed.

Me...I've had a horrible cold.  I wish it was more than a cold because it has gotten me down, and it seems like it should be something with a more severe name than a "common" cold!

2012...we're loving it so far!  Praise God!

Dee's Confession of Faith

I couldn't remember exactly when Dee asked Christ into her heart.  So I went back through e-mails.  I want to save this so I'm putting it out on my blog for future reference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


From: Dee


To: mmarrs

Sent: Tuesday, October 12, 2010 7:09 PM

HI, paster i gest wanting to tell you that I ASKED GOD IN MY HART LASTNIGHT ! and i want to be baptized whenever you have a time.P.S i want to show the world that i'm the knew Chistian P.S thankyou for teaching me about God.

Dee P