I asked the our therapist to switch us from Individual Therapy to Family Therapy. She usually alternated, but I wanted her to know what I wanted the emphasis to be. She said she had to submit additional paperwork to the insurance company to have it qualify, but I think she must have done that. She mentioned to Dee that we were now doing Family therapy.
Dee had to explain a lot in this past session. She was telling the therapist that when I gave her a compliment recently she didn't like it in her heart. I told her she sounded like she liked it, and she said, "I didn't." Then she told the therapist that she liked the full happy balloon-like feeling she gets in her heart when she manages to get me to get a growl and mean looking face.
Two things I can think of: I need to stop caving in and becoming angry. I can beat this. And what did they do to my child that anger is a more comfortable feeling then happiness?
Dee also recently told me that sometimes she doesn't like me. I told her it was OK because sometimes I didn't like the things she does. She said, "That's the difference between us: I don't like you, and you don't like the things I do." I said good point. I shouldn't make so many sacrifices for someone who doesn't like me.
We are a typical dysfunctional family. We usually look OK on the outside, but what a mess we really are!!!
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L is more comfortable when we are mad and yell, too. We are able to stay calm most of the time. She's told me, "Why don't you just get mad like all the other moms? I try so hard to gety ou mad and you just keep saying, 'This seems hard for you'!" LOL
ReplyDeleteThey crave stress and choas... that is what their NORMAL is... we have to teach them a new "normal".
ReplyDeleteI stopped letting them control my response (because they totally were). I stay calm when they least expect it. A yell is now a whisper. A wanting to slap them is now a "I probably need to hug them".
It is hard to get to that place. Plus yours can't even tag-team with a sibling.
I see the change in my girls when I show them the change in myself... AND IT ISN'T EVER DUE TO THEM CHANGING FIRST!!! They don't have the cause-effect part like they need to so they can see "Me good=mommy nice".
One phrase we repeat often (even if it causes them to be slightly manipulative... which it doesn't right now) is, "If you are nice to me, I will be nice to you"
I will also say... "if you are mean to me, my nice parts don't feel good, and so nice things aren't as easy to do."
Then over and over I remind them... "Man, mommy feels in a good mood today... hmmm you're in a good mood too... I guess when one of us is in a good mood it rubs off onto the other!"
It's hard... it really is!