Away at Camp

Dee has spent the week at an away camp.  It came at just the right time.  I was happy to see her go, and needed some time to regroup and re-energize.

I took off three days of work while she was at camp to get the full effect.  She is having fun with other kids who have been in or are in foster care.

She wrote me five notes:  Things I could do, Things I could eat; Things I couldn't eat, Things I couldn't do and a I miss you mom note.  She secretly wrote them, and I secretly wrote her five.  My notes are hidden in her Bible, PJ's, toothbrush holder, and luggage.

She will want to know she was missed, but will be sad for her to come home to messy room she left.  Last year, I cleaned her room thoroughly.  This year, it's as she left it.

Good-bye peace...hello beautiful daughter!

Adoption Tax Credit

I did not adopt a special needs child for the refundable adoption tax credit.  That would be insane.  But...once I found out the credit was going to be refundable...I started planning for it.  It could pay off some bills.  Dee and I could go on a vacation.  It would be the windfall I need to get us on a more solid ground for the new family style we have.

When I filed my return in January, I had no idea that it would be a five-month ordeal.  The first letter I got said they were denying Dee because her SSN was wrong.  I made the fatal error of NOT changing her SSN too close to my filing.  I decided to wait to not confuse my taxes.  Since I had to send all of the adoption paperwork, I wrote  her name as Dee OldLastName NewLastName.  It didn't match up in the system.  Kicked her out as a dependent.  Without a dependent, I didn't qualify for my head of household status.  That would have been easy to clear up, but when I called, they had shipped my return cross-country to be examined for the tax credit.  No one could fix that part...it would have to wait until the adoption credit was reviewed.

Oh...the drama of the tax credit.  Faxing and refaxing paperwork.  Dealing with not-so-polite IRS workers.  Filling out releases for my Congressman.  Waiting...waiting...waiting.

But here it is, on the first day of the sixth month after I filed, my refund is scheduled to be deposited in my account.  We are paying bills.  We will take a short trip.  I will help family.  And we will have breathing room.  How nice!  

I hope that next year it is communicated that if you file your tax return with this credit, it may take four - six months to get the refund.  With that bit of knowledge, this could have been a lot less stressful.

The Slippery Slide

Well, if I thought reality was Dee's major problem, I was naive! 
One night, I got an e-mail from my niece asking me to send her a picture by text message.  I went to get my cell phone, and could not find it.  I looked everywhere.  Then...Dee as clear as a bell asked me what I was doing.  Why was this child not sleep AGAIN at 11:30?  Well...I was about to find out.

Dee had stolen my cell phone.  Probably after I put her to bed.  And she was on a bunch of porn sites.  I think this is why she could not sleep other nights.

I went nuts!  Just crazy.  Because the day before, Dee had bitten a little girl on the leg...no upper thigh.  I had talked to her about how that could be seen both as violence and sexual harassment.  I had noticed these porn sites on my phone history before, but I couldn't positively trace them to her.  I wondered if it was some sort of virus.  This time, I knew.  She denied it even with the evidence in her face.

I determined that the problem was surfacing because of another child in the neighborhood.  So the next day, I took Dee to the girl's dad's house and told them that I suspected the girls had been watching porn together, and who knows what else.  They had already noticed the girls being mean to others when they were together.  So they had forbidden her to be friends with Dee, and it was right in line with my forbidding.

Dee is just very angry.  She's mad because she is at zero trust level.  She's mad that I accused her of sexual motives when biting that child.  (I didn't mention that two weeks ago she had bitten another child and licked him.)  I had to tell my little girl that when other people tell their children about stranger danger and bad touching, no one is thinking it could be a 10-year old girl.  But it can be or a 13-year old girl.

It's very disconcerting.  I felt I was going to have a stroke.  I am also talking to a wall.  She is within my sight at all time. I left her to go to the bathroom, and told her to stay in her seat.  She went in the backyard, and the next thing I knew she was calling the girl's name she is commanded to stay away from. 

Dee is going to take 10 years off my life.

I can't tell if it's real or not but I know it's your fault!

Dee did not go to sleep last night when she should. She had the flashlight on and was reading a book. When I checked at 11:30 p.m. she was still awake. I decided not to fight with her and just see what she was like when she woke up.

This morning, she did not get up well. Just in time to really walk out of the door without her hair combed. That is the reason we managed to forget to give her her medicine on Sunday. I remembered during Sunday School when she was not behaving at all.

After SS, I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie. I drove her home, and said go “take your medicine and put on some pants.” She was in the bathroom a long time, and announced she was constipated. I was a bit suspicious since she had grabbed my laptop and apparently changed the channel on the TV (which was on for the dog) before going to the bathroom. This all happened when she went to get her meds, but she never took them.

After spending about an hour and a half in the bathroom WITH THE COMPUTER, she came out. I told her to take the medicine, and we no longer had time to go to the movies. She grabbed the pills, and after a while I went to check on her she was playing in make-up, and HAD NOT TAKEN HER MEDICATION. It was nearly 2:30.

I made her take the medicine. I asked her to put on pants and a shirt. (She was being "cute" and had on a camisole and skirt with her make-up.) She started screaming, yelling and jumping up and down. I told her to just put on the pants in her room that are probably somewhere on the floor. She said, no...she yelled, “I DON’T HAVE ANY. “ I told her she had to because she had not taken anything down to the laundry room. She yelled disrespectfully, “I HAVE. TAKEN IT, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOOK.”

She started throwing things and banging things. I told her let’s go. She started yelling about the police station. I didn’t even tell her I was talking about the grocery store. In the end she de-escalated fast. As she kept slamming things, I took her dollar bill she left in the living room and shredded it with my hands before her very eyes. (Later I told her that is the same respect she has for my things.)  After continuing to slam doors and scream, I took her to the police station. Office Collins was not pleased. He has promised her and me that the next time starts reports. I totally agree with that. He explained to her that kids who cause trouble will go to a home where they are not even allowed to wear clothing.  Just paper clothes with plastic shoes.

I brought Dee back home to get her shoes because in her rage, she could not grab shoes. I reminded her that I was not going to tolerate this anymore. I gave her two minutes to put on pants, and shoes.  I made her stay at my side in the store.  She tried to make it irritate me, but it didn't.  At dinner, she refused to eat. It could have been the Adderall.  I decided only meals and no sweets whatsoever.  I made her sit at the table, facing the table, no book, no paper just me eating.

I did try to talk to Des and she said that she started this because I was mean. I kept asking her what is mean about taking someone to the movies. She screamed, not the movies, but she had nothing.  Dee preplanned the anger by taking the computer into the bathroom. I let that slide. (She didn't realize I let it slide.  She assumed I became angry.  She yelled at some point she had it, and I said, "OK" and kept reading the Sunday paper.)  I even let it slide when  I realized she had changed the channel and didn’t come out of the bathroom. I didn’t get angry until I found her in the make-up and the pills still had not been taken.

I do have a concern that Dee may have some newly developing mental issue. She is beginning to not be able to distinguish what really happened or what was real from a thought.

An example, last week after therapy, I talked to her about her telling the therapist that I am mean and that's why she is misbehaving.  It's really her anticipation of my discipline that makes her misbehave more.  She knows she will have a consequence, but even if she doesn't get it, she thinks she did.

 I could tell she didn’t know what was right. Then my fish was sick and I asked her if Peaches died and I were upset if she would flush her for me. She said that she had flushed a fish before and she would not do it again. I reminded her of the three fish we had flushed, she had flushed none. Then she said, “At least I fed them worms.” I told her she didn’t feed them worms. She asked if she could feed them a worm, but instead she ran when I brought the worms out.

At the end of the day, I called her in and talked to her. I told her I was concerned about her not being able to distinguish reality from fiction. I told her it was very dangerous. She said she couldn’t help it, then I told her to stop day dreaming, it doesn’t work for her.

We talked about the things she misses out on that I tell her I was considering (this time, the movie, a phone, a laptop, Chiefs cheerleading camp, and opportunity to babysit again). She also misses out on being trusted.  And she ends up with more consequences than she even feared at the beginning.

She went to bed happy and understanding. But that may only last for day.

Last Day of 4th Grade

Today, Dee went to the last day of 4th grade.  It is the first time we did an entire year of school together.  What a year!  She had an absolutely spectacular teacher.  Her special ed teacher is also awesome.  She will have her again next year.  But as I looked back, Dee and I made it through because of her teachers and her day care leaders.  They work great with her.  We gave each of them a thank you token.

Yesterday, when I picked her up from daycare, they were having a year end celebration.  Dee was not participating because she had bitten and licked a child.  She said they were all doing it and only she was punished.  She was made to apologize to the leader and the child.  And then I let it go.

So today, we woke up all excited with the last day of school.  I took the day off to pick her up at lunch time when school ended.  But as I cleaned the back of the car to pick up another child, I found a cigarette butt.  That reminded me of something I thought I saw in the house underneath the chair, but was too lazy to check.  Yup...two more cigarette butts.  I was furious!

I went to get the other child, took the doggie girls to the groomer, and then we picked up Dee.  We went to the movies.  I mentioned there to her I had found some things and where, and I was disappointed.  She, a fast-thinking liar, said she was doing a science project.  I reiterated I was disappointed.

We then went home for some free time, to the pool and out to eat.  When we finally came home, I mentioned it to her again.  She said, "I told you why I had it."  I told her she had, but I didn't believe her.  Our day of fun when downhill fast.  She began to become Miss Oppositional.  And I told her not only was she losing trust, she was also losing the right to anything fun.

Her therapist said if she ever is going to be able to handle good, I have to keep giving it to her in small doses.  I do hate doing nice things for her because we always have to pay for it.

The little girl we picked up is my boss' child.  Dee was in love with their nicer home, big yard with a swing set and swimming pool.  Finished basement with all the fun amenities and grand piano.  As we left, she said to the parents, "I have one question:  Can I live here?"  RAD lives on!

This mom of a 5th grade girl is tired and is going to bed!