Christmas 2012

It amazes me that every year Dee has the most amazing Christmas for her.  I read somewhere that kids bond through different things.  Dee bonds primarily through wants.  When her wants are met, she feels love.  I can tell her how much that is not true, but it's true to her.

Her Christmas looked small underneath the tree, but it was actually big.

The tree after Santa left

Dee enjoys the whole gift opening process.  She takes her time and enjoys each gift.  I made her a book of the dogs she fostered, and she read the entire thing before opening the next gift.  We call it "The Dee Show."

Dee was appropriately grateful.  She got a small tablet.  She was not expecting an electronic, so she was thrilled.  I hid it in a big box wrapped in a towel.  She never suspected.  I did not block Goggle +, and she figured it out.  She was all over social media.  I had to take the tablet back, block the app, and stress to her the danger in social media for the billionth time.  After a few days, I had her write out what she did wrong and how she can make sure the mistake doesn't happen again.  All is well.

When she was caught, she sent herself an e-mail saying she would rather live with an abusing mother than two dogs and a "mean, ugly, fat, self-centered mom."  She was mad at herself.  I asked her why I was being mistreated when I didn't do anything wrong.

After a day of quiet in our house, I went to the store, and brought her favorite drink (bottle water and flavored water) and cookies.  I told her it was nice of me to bring her favorites even though she was being mean to me.  She said, "Even if we are mad at each other, you still have to take care of me."  And I was pleased that she knew that was true and that I would.

Overall, she is doing well.  Had a friend spend the night on a work day, and did OK. 

 

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is coming.  We are excited in our house.  Dee knows she has presents in the car, and it's the typical behavior for Santa.  I am going to miss it.  During December, if she had a good night, I gave her a treat in her Advent calendar.  If she didn't, nothing.  She caught on early, and it's been a really good month.

I've had to tell her that I would be sad if I had to hold back some presents because of behavior.  She doesn't want that.  Of course, after Christmas, I know she is getting my trump threat.  So life should not be too bad.

Recently, I mentioned that she can be overwhelmed with too much and all good, and she said, "You know about that?"  I told her since we both know about it now, then there is no sense in letting it happen.  She is old enough to say, "Take some stuff from me because I'm being overwhelmed."

I don't feel that second quarter went as well as first.  But the teachers have only nice things to say about her.  She will make an honor roll again.  We are going to change her goals for this quarter.  In some classes, I'm going to expect B's not C's.

Dee and I were talking one day about how much we are alike.  It's really true.  She was having a sinus headache, and I said, "That's very me.  Why don't you get some of my good qualities?"  She said, "What are your good qualities?"  I said, "I try to be a kind and thoughtful person."  She said, "Yeah, I have a problem with that."  She was not kidding.  She is pretty selfish, so she does not like when I help others or give to others.

In other family news.

Chloe's congestive heart failure was really bad earlier this week.  I thought we were going to lose her.  Dee had her written off.  But my little ChloChlo fought and is doing OK.

I'm studying pretty hard for a certification test.  It's not sticking.  But I do that a lot in spare time.  So, when Dee is at dance, or tutoring, I'm studying.

Roxy is her normal sad and quiet self. 

For Christmas we go to church and then take our doggies to look at Christmas lights.  They will enjoy the time out.

I'm sure there is more in the past three weeks, I just can't remember.

Merry Christmas all!

The Ghost of Thanksgiving Future

While walking the dogs this morning, I had this sort of pathetic daydream.

Dee was a freshman in college, and I was excited for her to come home for Thanksgiving.  Because 10 years is not enough to deal with attachment issues, she calls right before to tell me she is going home with a friend.  A friend who has two parents and extended family over for Thanksgiving.  I tell her to have fun, but to call me before lunchtime on Thanksgiving to wish me a happy Thanksgiving.

At the friend's house, someone ask Dee what her family is doing.  As she explains, it occurs to her that I'm left alone to do our traditions.  Now she is ashamed.  So she doesn't call.  I am sad because she doesn't call.  It's not a good Thanksgiving. 

Then I don't like how that worked out, so I did an ending change.  (You can do that in a daydream.)

Her friend calls me and tells me that Dee is scared to call me because she thinks I'm sad, and she doesn't want to hear.  So, I call Dee and assure her I am OK, and can't wait to see her at Christmas.  I'm still a little sad, but now Dee appreciates home and visiting for Thanksgiving.  She has a good time, and I took the high road like a Mom is suppose to.

Whew!  OK...I'm ready 2019!!!!

Thanksgiving 2012 and Catching Up...

We had a great Thanksgiving.  We did dinner later than normal since Dee was given free range and stayed up late.  She woke up late, and we just worked around it.  We're on vacation...with Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off.  After a nice meal, we then rested and put the Christmas tree up.

Before we ate, Dee and I wrote quickly 10 things we were thankful for. 

I wrote in brown and she wrote in orange.

I asked Dee to dress the doggie girls for dinner. 

She put coats on them!  It was 70 degrees outside. 

But she decided that was cute.

Dee did Black Friday shopping.  (So did I.)  I shopped while she slept.  She never knew.  I got two pair of jeans, pj's, earrings, cologne and shoes for $60.  Good deal!  Dee shopped differently.  She listed what she thought was a good deal on a paper by store from the ads.  Then she looked for the items and declared who it was for!  She is completely done with her shopping.

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I have been sort of sick, and unable to get too much done.  I would use all of my energy to get through work and Dee's extracurriculars.  Then, I would come home and just fall asleep.  Because of that, Dee got three D's on tests.  She has learning disabilities, so it takes a lot of work to keep her up to speed.  When I felt well enough to pay attention, her life got bad! :)  I started using the "s" word, and Dee hates that word:  study!

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After D's good run, some kid in her class asked her if she lost $50.  She said "yes."  The kid believed her and gave ther the $50 bill.  She then spent time trying to figure out how to get rid of it.  So, she spent part at the book fair.  Whew!  She had $37 now, but at least she didn't have that $50 bill.  Of course, the kid who actually lost the money realized he lost it.  Dee was confronted and lied.  I was called.  She was suspended (in school) for two days.  And her reputation at school with the teachers was ruined.  I was sad for her.  No matter how many times I role play with her, she doesn't get it.  She said she didn't know how to un-do the original lie.  Even though the teacher gave her a couple of chances, she thought it was too late.  I told her, "You will always get an easier consequence if you tell the truth before someone else figures it out."

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Roxy and our foster dog, Otis, were in the backyard after a very windy night.  The wind had blown our gate ajar.  The two ventured out.  (I would have thought Roxy would come tell...but apparently I do not know Roxy.) Dee and I started searching within minutes.  I couldn't find them, so I got into the car and drove to the nearby big street.  I sat, and said to myself, "No screeching...they are not here."  Just then, "Screech!"  A few minutes later, "Screech."  I zoomed over, to find my little Roxy, looking spacy as ever, and caught in a big traffic jam.  I'm sure no one appreciated such a foo-foo dog (wearing pink bows and pink shirt) causing them to near collide.

The cars waited while I grabbed her.  Then I asked her where Otis was, and she led me on a wild goose chase.  Actually, Otis had heard our cries and came to Dee.  Roxy was the one that ran away.


I'm sure there is more, but let's stop here and consider me caught up!

Going well...

I have several things I'd like to blog about, but I'm not sure I have time to cover it all.  But I will at least get started.

Home is so nice these days.  My little girl really seems like she has turned a corner.  She's been working on earning a new and larger backpack.  The one we bought at the beginning of the school year cannot hold her Trapper and books.  She did two weeks of no arguing and doing well in school, and earned the backpack.  We ordered it today from Amazon.


She has earned back some privileges.  I gave her back her home key.  It's not that she is being perfect.  She had my watch in her school locker.  I found make-up in her backpack.  But we get those things corrected, and consequenced, and we move on.  When I try to warn her in advance so she doesn't make the same mistake, she is usually offended, but it seems to help.  She also was given some games back on the computer.  I had taken off any and everything that was fun.  She knows I'm watching her tech behavior.  Any changes in mood will make her lose them again.

She got some money for her good report card.  And she is promised $50 for Day After Thanksgiving shopping.  She used $6 for some fake nails.  But she has been trying to earn it back.  Today, I got both bathrooms sort of cleaned for $1 each.  Two loads of laundry for $1 each.  The car was cleaned out, $2; and the refrigerator was cleaned $1.  I love when she wants money!!!  She is a much quicker at cleaning than I am!

She is getting excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I asked her to make a list of things she would like.  It was primarily reasonable.  She took it back because she wants to add to it.

Dee was invited to a birthday party!  It's an overnight at a hotel.  I told her, the other girls will be talking about boys, etc., but she should be reserved.  Parents are watching her closely!

All in all good!  I'll write later about Roxy and our foster dog's adventure.  And the scare Dee and I had!

Dee has been doing relatively well.  She does do spurts of kindness and not so kind.  I'm going to start tracking them to see if they are PMS.

Chloe is wheezing again with her congestive heart failure.  It breaks my heart.  We are enjoying our foster dog, Otis.  He was tough to get use to but he fits in great.  But...he leaves next week for his new home.  We will miss him.  I think Roxy will miss him most of all.  She humps him all of the time.  All the dogs are eating better trying to keep their share protected.

Dee cleaned her room Saturday.  She did a great job so she could get my record player/cd player/radio in the room.  On the other hand, I'm still living in the land of chaos in my room.  She is naturally a better cleaner.

Dee and I ate out last week.  I took the opportunity to ask her some questions.  I asked how friends were going.  I told her I noticed when I pick her up, she is never playing with other kids.  She responded, "Mom I have friends.  I'm popular."  OK.  So then I asked her about taking the shots.  I asked her if it helped her feel safe.  She didn't care one way or the other.

Dee finished the first quarter with a 3.4 grade point average on a 4.0 scale.  I'm very impressed.  The school gives lots of second chances, but she has used them well.

She and I re-watched October Baby.  It is a movie about an abortion survivor's attempt to find her birth mom.  One scene shows the adoptive father after he tracks the girl down telling her boyfriend to stay away from his daughter.  The boyfriend says, "She is not your daughter.  She has a right to find out who she is."  I said to Dee, part of what he said is not right.  She said, "She is not your daughter."  Then she said, "It's sort of true."  I told her it was not true.  He adopted her and he was her father.  She argued, "He wasn't there when she was born."  I reminded her I was not there when she was born either.  She argued back that I sort of was.  I made her finally say I was not there, so it could be straight in her head.  So another interesting Dee conversation.

All in all, these are going OK. 

Doing Good...

Another catch up post, except all of our activity has me so tired, I'm not sure what I should be catching up on.

Dee is doing better at school.  It's just too bad the mere mention of it brings on attitude.  I told her she would be doing homework for the next 10 years, so she should just get use to it.

After a month of no phone, she finally got it back.  She was mean that night.  We connect her attitude to her phone.  She wants me to keep it.  I told her that maybe she isn't ready for it yet, but she can't blame it on the phone or how would she ever have a phone.  She is still thinking on it.

She cheered at the Chiefs game again.  Did a good job, and her former social worker came to watch.  She was very proud.

I've had to go to bat for her with teachers in her life who make off-handed remarks that she takes to heart.  I try to send a kind e-mail so they will just think about it next time.

I'm loving her laundry skills.  It's how she works off debt.

She's Growing Up

Dee is different.  I can tell she is maturing.  I can also see in recent weeks, she is feeling more at home and more attached.  She fights about doing homework.  She still will make the wrong choices given a chance.  But she is not making a wrong decision just to be contrary anymore.  She wants to please.  She use to want attention of any kind.  Now, she likes the attention to be positive.

She is very good about saying what she needs from me.  She wants me to be at the bus stop when she gets on the bus.  She doesn't like it if I don't make it to the bus stop before she leaves.

She watches TV, and looks for times to say. "Mom, you are embarrassing me."  Even when she says it, she is claiming me as mom, and pointing out we are connected.

School is getting hard for her.  She fights to not get her work done.  She is learning some, but she is lazy too.

She spent the night last night at the church's youth lock-in.  I had a series of texts from her.  I thought maybe she was not having fun, but she called as I was getting ready to leave.  I asked her if she was having fun, and she said yes.

When I arrived at 3 a.m., she ran past me and spoke.  And then hung out a with a group of two girls and two boys.  I could tell she was trying to pair off with a boy.  But every time she'd look around, I'd be watching.  Those things will scare me a lot in a few years.

Today we went to a movie.  Her two friends came running up to her.  She was not nice to them.  I understand.  Each of those girls' parents call to drop them off and we do lots with them.  But they NEVER invite Dee over or out.  I hope she starts to find some other friends soon.

Today's Mail

Mom this is a letter that i typed for you!


how was your day?

I hope it was great.



Dear mom,

Thank you for making my life great and fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...I thank the lord for letting me and you be together.

You have helped me with my troubles and the problems that I came with when I came.

I know that don’t matter what happens I’ll always be your kid that you adopted.

I also know that don’t matter what I do or how much I make you mad that I’ll always be in your heart.

I’m happy that we are together as a family.

Roxy and choler have also made me happy.

I wish I could take back all these times that I have been mean to chole and Roxy.

Cause they have stayed on my side even though that I made them scared and made them run for their life.

It makes me sad to see when you are sad and depressed and upset with me.

Sometimes I start to even start to cry because I mad you so sad and so made (at times).

I get happy not just for the things you give me but for the time and effort that you thought of me and you tried to help me.

Mom the thing that I love about you is that you don’t stop in tells you get it done.

Pulse you’re a strong women and a strong women and smart women,

Pulse whenever I see you whenever I’m happy I get more smiler (I know that’s not a word but still).

When you’re in a bad mood that means that I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t like that at all but when you’re in a good mode that means that means I’m in a good mode that’s what I like.

Love:Dee

Good Weekend

Dee's weekend was excellent!   Just like last weekend!  She was productive.  She was respectful.  She was pleasant. 

We went on Saturday evening to see her dance school perform at a local shopping center.  I watched the girls as we planned whether three of us would eat together.  A had not a great attitude; S had a horrific attitude and Dee was doing pretty good.  I actually threatened to leave the restaurant if S's attitude didn't change.  Her mom was frustrated, but just ignored it.  We left one restaurant for another because S was pouting.  Then at the second restaurant, she continued pouting.  I asked her if she wanted to be there.  Dee was charming and happy.  The other mom enjoyed her as did the waiter.

She is doing well also with getting up in the morning.  We do not have the drama of the past every morning.

I realized that she told me a week or two ago that money was stolen from the church's Youth Group.  (They have a candy store that kids buy treats from and the money goes to mission.)  She bought something today.  That reminded me of her telling me about the stolen money.  I never suspected her.  That's a big deal.

I better go to bed.  Monday is not a good day ... even for good Dee.

Does 7-Year old Consequences and 16 Year-Old Education Equal 11?

Our week was bad because Dee was upset about the phone thing.  She told the therapist she thought I would be more angry and when I wasn't, she didn't know how to turn off her plan to be mean.

I finally came up with Plan #2333.   I wrote on the white board:

Anything that plugs in or uses batteries

Computer <> TV <> Music <> DS <> DVD Player

I told her the moment she is disrespectful, including saying "NO!", she loses all of those things for the next day and the rest of that day.  She starts off after two days later earning them back one at a time.  Slow to earn and one single sarcastic or disrespectful thing takes them all away.  Zero tolerance.

She has TV back now, and stops to think about what she is going to say.  She can pick another electronic today.  She will lose them again.  But I hope that a few times of this will show her it's not tolerated.

As always, she was angry and upset, but she likes the boundaries.  It's been a lot more pleasant.

I took the chance with the pleasant house to talk to her about oral sex.  I had three friends last spring find that their 13-year olds were having oral sex.  What I learned was that they didn't think it was sex.  And parents didn't specifically tell them.  So I told her.  She may make the same bad choices of other girls, but it won't be because she learned first on the street.

She learned her four times tables, but when we started the sixes...she started getting mixed up.

I listened to neighbor tell me how much I smother her and how she will just go wild.  I let her talk, and then just said, "Good thing she is my daughter."  She judges everything by her well-regulated two-year younger child.  I don't feel the need to justify my parenting actions to anyone...that's what I love about being a single parent!

Spoke too Soon

This morning the "good" Dee woke up.  She was still riding high from the weekend.  So, it was a good morning.  I did remember that she hadn't been giving me her phone at night...which is our rule.  She can't call or text at night, but it means I wasn't reviewing her texts.  So I asked her to be sure to bring it down to me.  Still...very pleasant.

The dogs and I walked her to the bus stop.  And while there, I started perusing some texts.  The first thread I saw was from "Joey."  And the last text I saw was  from Dee -- "Good night.  I love you."  So I said, "Not acceptable," and put her on the bus.

Dee is dead set on having a "boyfriend."  I wish I could say it would be innocent, but I don't  it think it would be.  In her thread to "Joey" she said, "Should I wear a skirt or pants on Monday?"  He said, "A skirt."  She said, "Why did you say that.  I think I know and it's not good."  He ignored her and that chatted about other things.  And she came back to her question with the same provoking line.  He never answered, but she wore the shortest skirt she had with leggings.

When I picked her up, I had devised my plan of how to talk to her.  First, I wanted to be sure "Joey" was a boy and at her school and not some pedophile she picked up on the Internet.  So I started asking about her teeney bopper game.  She said, "Just take it away."  Then I asked"Joey's" last name.  She didn't know what her love's last name is.  I explained how boys get the wrong idea about girls who say "I love you" to everyone.  And how they share that idea with other boys.  Then I told her how suggestive her skirt conversation was.  I had to tell her it makes people think of porn...because that's a word she knows, and I'm not ready to introduce "sexting."  She might take it as a suggestion.  I did tell her that if the boy's parents see her texts, I expect her to get called the Principal's office, and me to get called at work.

She didn't handle that conversation well.  She told me I was yelling.  I wasn't.  But she didn't like what I was saying, so she thought I was.

I spent the evening taking away privileges.  When she she gets her phone back, his number is blocked.  Her right to text pictures is gone.  Her text limit is 250 texts a month.  This month she did 1300.  I don't know how considering she can use the phone from 6:00 - 8:45 on weekdays, and then most of the day Saturdays and Sundays.  I also took away the games she likes on the computer because they put too many teen ideas in her head.  I will also block Disney XD and Teen Nick on the TV...though the latter is usually blocked by ratings.

She is not suppose to ever delete texts, but apparently she does.  I haven't seen 1300 texts.  But she was lulled into a false sense of comfort  because I stopped asking for her phone.  The element of surprise...a mom's best weapon.

I do remember a couple of things her therapist said that scared me when she said it, and scares me even more now:  1) She will do some very bad and dangerous things before she gets it all together.  2) Not doing birth control is not an option.  I have worked hard to make those things not true, but Dee seems to be working harder to prove to me that the therapist knows what she is talking about.  And no, Dee didn't hear the therapist say it.

Catching Up....Again!

I have so much to catch up on!

School
Dee has been rebelling since they actually started doing work.  She is doing well, but she doesn't like to do the work.  At the beginning of the school year, we came up with our goals.  She needs to make C's in Reading, Math, Science and Social Studies.  And 3's in PE, Art, Music and Strategies (organization).  3's are like B's.  She is doing well.  She has the chance to re-do any bad grade, but she got a 78 on a math test, and chose to keep her C+ rather than do the work to make it up.  I had to let that go because it fit her goals, even though she could have raised that grade to an A.

Sylvan, where she is being tutored for math, finally conacted the school, and now is working with the school.  She seems to be primed to learn.  I'm excited for her.

Family Wedding
We went to my hometown for my sister's wedding.  It's in inner city Chicago.  Dee really thrives in a pooer, urban culture.  She apparently loved it.  She bonded with my brother, David.  Her goal for the trip was to get me in trouble for nothing with my mom. 

Laundry
I finally taught her to use the washing machine.  I didn't do it before because she pee'd on towels and blankets when upset, and I wanted something to stop her.  She hasn't done that in a long time, so I decided to teach her.  She loves it.  It seems to be a real rite of passage for her.

Social
There seems to be less drama in the after-school program this year.  One of Dee's friends mom's asked me to watch her child.  When I picked the girls up, Dee's friend wanted to go to the "Y".  (We are members.)  I said no.  Then she asked if they could go get V from across the street.  I said yes.  V is another sixth grader and she lives directly across from us.  I felt this friend, who Dee adores, asked her mom to call me for these things.  But Dee was happy.

Doggies
Chloe is still suffering with her congestive heart failure and we have $100 a month in meds for her.  Roxy seemed to have some flea dirt on her.  It's hard to tell with how much she itches and scratches because she has horrific allergies.

Studying
I'm studying for an HR certification.  I'm doing good on timing, but I'm not retainign enough.

Bully Prevention

Today the school had their bully prevention presentation.  Parents were invited, but it interfered with my work day.  The home-based teacher sent his daily e-mail at noon saying it went well, but the kids were emotional.  At 2:45, Dee sent me a text that said  she thought she was being bullied.  It came down to a girl who said Dee had kissed a boy.  I told Dee that was teasing or lying (after I made sure she did not kiss a boy).  But it would only become bullying if she kept at it and made her feel bad.

Then tonight, her friends called her from the skating rink.  We live around the corner, so we joined them.  It was a full of Middle Schoolers with zero parent supervision.  I was there, and had a hard time keeping up with Dee.  Most parents were not there.

At one point I looked for Dee, and found her in a group.  Her friend was being "kicked out."  Apparently, she had been in altercation with another girl.  I know this friend has no social skills, and her mom often feels she is bullied.  But someone taped it, and I watched it.  Dee's friend was the bully.  Dee didn't realize that, and she struggled with telling the other girl not to bully her friend or calling 9-1-1.  But she just stood there.  Dee said she understood she was a bystander and bystanders are as guilty as the next person.  She said she felt guilty.   (Look at her process!)  I told her she was right, she did not make the right decision, but it was better than her joining in.  She should have told an adult.  She had me there.  She should have gotten me.  If I were not there, she should have told the staff, like someone else must have done.  If she were at a place with no adult, then she should call 9-1-1.

The next time I couldn't find Dee, I sought her out and said, "Enough of this.  We're going home."  (She, of course, was purposely avoiding me.)  I walked the rink twice looking for her and so I know she was not where she said she was.  She did not ever put on a pair of skates.  It was scary there.    Kids too young showing too much PDA, using bad language and not many skating.  As we walked home (2 minutes) I explained to Dee why she would never go to the skating rink on a Friday night.  I also told her I didn't like how she purposely avoided me, or that she ignored my text.  (She didn't know she had received it.)Then when I got home, I called Dee's two friends' parents and told them get their children, or I could go back to get them for them.   Dee said, "I didn't think about it until I heard you talking to Miss Jackie, that we just left them there."  So she pulled some things together.  But even with training, she didn't know who the bully was today, or what to do.  And with a little freedom, she made a series of wrong choices.

That $7 was worth the lesson!

Middle School

Note: Middle School schedule is killing me! This post has been sitting half-written for a week!

Dee has been excited and nervous about Middle School. I could tell because when she should have been concentrating on other things, she'd ask a random question about school.

Two days before school started, they had "Back to School" night. We had to meet the teachers, check out lockers again, etc. I invited Dee's two friends and their moms to go out with the girls. It was very fun, and they had a chance to be nervous together.

Dee was super proud of her locker. And she and her freinds were hopeful and nervous for the whole experience.  Lockers were no big deal when I was in school, but it was all about the lockers that day.  I'm ashamed to say I spent about $40 on locker stuff..feeding into the frenzy.

At Dee's school, it's only 6th grade. They split the 800 kids into 8 or 10 teams. Dee has been a different person. She rides the bus, for the first time. She has done amazingly well!

On the third day of school, her home-base teacher called. (I thought and even said, "It's only Day 3!") But every teacher on her team was in on the call, and it was to declare that Dee had done well enough to be called a "Rock Star." She and three other kids earned special privileges. How exciting and confidence building for her. The best part of Rock Star is that the behavior spilled over to home. We had a super pleasant last week, and a pretty good this week.

Now that she is a middle schooler, one of her favorite things to do is to walk around with a Twilight book trying to look studious, or to open her math book to page 300 and copy the sample -- intently. So far, I must say, Middle School rocks!

Church Youth Group

Dee was so excited when she went to the 6th graders intro to youth group. It seemed so grown up and fun. Then today, we went to service, and she had Sunday School for the first time in the youth department. It's the first time in two years I would not be her teacher. When we arrived at the doorway and she saw kids from 11 - 17, she burst into tears. I had to take her back to my class and let her calm down. After a while, more kids her age arrived, so I took her back. I mouthed to one of the kids her age she was nervous and left. She had an OK time. She was thrilled with the fact they have a little store where you can buy candy, and treats. She assured me she would be the same way on Wednesday when she starts Middle School. A little bit ago, she came in my room to get clothes for her baby doll, Kaitaya. So, this change is hard for her.

The Letter

The letter came today from Dee's birth mom. It's sincere, but it's also vague. She says she is sorry, but she doesn't say why. She assures Dee she will tell her everything she wants to know. She will make up for anything she didn't do right, though she tried her best. It is full of love, but it is also disconcerting because it has no closure. I think it would mess Dee up a lot. It was a nice letter, but there is just something hanging. She doesn't tell Dee anything about her life now. She is sorry she is not here when Dee needs her. The biggest plus is she apparently loves her. I'll take it to show to the therapist, and then to a safety deposit box.

Tidbits

There are several things I want to catch up on. 

Dee
Dee has been doing well.  Her teeny bopper attitude does get on my nerve, but I feel she is handling a little more freedom and responsibility.  I'm not sure how it's going to work when she has to add school duties.

She is so excited about being in middle school.  Well...not the school part, but her first day of school outfit, and decorating her locker.  I had to work hard in school for my C, so I know how she feels.  Before school starts, you can daydream that you will be an A student this year.

She spent so much money on her locker decorations, I told her she'd have to find a backpack in the basement and re-use it.  She was fine with it  But it must have bugged her.  The next day, she asked if we could please go get a backpack.  We found an inexpensive one that she really liked.  On the way from shopping she asked, "Mom what is your blessings?"  I said I have many.  She asked what the greatest one was.  I said my salvation.  She agreed then told me after that it was her family, and her mom.  I knew then that getting that backpack had become a big deal to her.

Chloe
Chloe did not have a good result on her kidney test.  We are continuing with the meds, but if the meds mess with her kidney, then she will either die from congestive heart failure or kidney failure.  I asked which was the least painful.  The vet said we should not worry about that now.  I did some research, and think we should have fasted her before her blood test.  I will have her fast next time and not take her medicine.  I'm hopeful.  And between the two, I think kidney failure is the more gentler death.   Getting pills down her throat is going to kill me.  But this week, I think we will get some liquid meds.

Roxy
I guess Rox did not want to be left out.  She was napping on the floor and her ear was flipped over.  I saw she was suffering from one of her ear infections, but it was horrible!  We are now treating her.

Youth Group
Dee went to our church's youth group welcome tonight.  She had a ball.  Even though they only had the 6th graders tonight, she liked the idea that older kids will be there.  I met her teacher who has not taught at our church, but she works with at-risk kids.  I think she will be good for Dee.

Birth Family Ghosts
Dee's former social worker sent a note today that he met with Dee's birth mother a couple of weeks ago.  She is trying to adopt one of the siblings.  He told her to write an apology to each kid for her part in their neglect and abuse.  The letter to Dee came today.  He is sending it on.  I will not tell or give Dee the letter until later in her life.   Now is not the time.

Tired...And Getting More Tired
Our fall schedule is a mess:
Mondays - Therapy (every other week) and Dance (weekly)
Tuesdays - Tutoring (weekly) and Dance (weekly)
Wednesdays - Youth Group (weekly except when we have therapy)
Thursdays - Free!
Fridays - Free!
Saturday - Tutoring

So, I'm enjoying this week!  Our last week of summer dance (only once a week); and no tutoring!

Starting Middle School

Today was middle school registration.  Dee took her first day of school clothes to change into for her school pictures.  But changed her mind.  She was excited.  The big tension was whether she could open her locker...a big first in middle school.

At this middle school, it's only 6th graders.  So everyone at the school is new!  There are 800 sixth graders.  They are broken into teams (or mini-schools).  The big question is what team you are on.  But since  we are new to the school, no older siblings to share light on anything, it didn't matter.

Dee's elementary school assured me that they would break up the drama girls.  There were enough teams to make sure they each ended up on a different one.  I try to tell Dee that this gives her a fresh start.

We dropped off meds at the nurse's office.  I told the nurse that unless she is running a fever or throws up TWO days worth of food, don't call me.  She made a note.  Then I called Dee over and told her what I told her...and Dee said "Yeah, yeah."  So the nurse knows we have been over it before.

Dee could not get her locker open.  That's devastating.  Then I tried.  I know how to open a combination locker.  Wouldn't open.  The maintenance guys tried six combinations before they got it opened.  When we opened it, someone else's supplies were in it.  I could only conclude that Dee was given the wrong locker number.  When we checked at the office, sure enough, it was a typo.  Dee had trouble, but I walked her through and she was able to open it by the time we left.  She is super proud.  And because she got her locker opened, she is now excited about middle school!

I'm hopeful for my girl.  She is pretty focused on boys, and she is quite the drama girl, but I am hopeful she will make leaps and bounds of improvement this school year!

Eureka!

Today, we had therapy for the first time in three weeks.  I shared with the therapist some things in e-mail, and then we chatted as a group of three before she took her to the back.  As I was explaining what my friends saw when they were with Dee while I was traveling, some things became clear.

Dee did not know emotions when she first came.  We spent a lot of therapy time teaching her that everything doesn't mean anger.  She learned what the different emotions felt like.  We didn't realize she didn't really get what the different emotions should look like from her perspective.  She knew how others should look, but not from her perspective.  For example, when I came back and picked Dee up on my way from the airport and she was angry, my friends assured me that she desperately missed me.  We were confused.  As I relayed it to the therapist, it became clear that she was not showing what she felt.  She was showing anger.  The only emotion she ever knew.  Eureka!

The therapist told her it must be very confusing.  When you think your friends should be compassionate and caring, they are angry and you don't know why.  Then I said, it confuses me when I think you should be happy or thoughtful, and instead you seem mad or angry.  The therapist told me to keep it focused on how it impacts her.  How the confusion boomerangs back to her.  We told her that when she learned that all big feelings don't have the same response, then it will get better.

It explained a lot of our communication problem.  We got to this place because my friends who helped take care of Dee when I was out of town, all were able to see how much she missed me.  They all able to see that Dee's reaction when I got home, and they knew it did not match her feelings.  It was very helpful.

So...we now have something specific to work on. 

Chloe is sick...really, really sick

I just listened to Chloe and Roxy's hearts with my naked ear.  Chloe's is very loud.  It goes THUMP THUMP THUMP.  Roxy's is quiet, and it goes thump-a, thump-a, thump-a.  They sound nothing alike.  I am sad.

I am reading all I can about canine congenital heart failure.  This week I will have her liver and kidneys tested.  I pray hard that they are not failing too.

Chloe has lost weight, but she is eating like a pig.  I'm also giving her lots of food.  I want to see if she can gain weight.  I should cut out sodium, but if she has only months left, I want them to be happy.  And nothing makes her happier than food and snacks.  We'll see what the doctor says.

We are all on alert when she coughs.  Roxy has been concerned about the cough even before me.  Now, Dee and I stop what we are doing and look at each other with every cough.

Better get our family picture in.  We've been delaying it because of the heat because Chloe doesn't handle heat well at all, and Rox only does so so.

I want to minimize her trips to the groomer though.  They are tough on her.  Sigh.  Not fun!

Male Attention

Yesterday, my neighbors were over helping with some projects.  I had the opportunity to see my daughter get "happy" and flirt continuously with the husband.  She giggled non-stopped.  Phony giggly, there's no other word for it.

I sent her to take a bath.  She came down with short-shorts on, and her t-shirt tied in a "ponytail."  I told her to go change.  She tried to delay her exit by arguing.  I said, "Change.  Now."  (When clothes are handed down, and she has shorts she loves but they do not meet my standards, I do tell her she can sleep in them. ) But she knew she was doing wrong coming down in those shorts with company.

When she came back, she had un-ponytailed the shirt and had on more appropriate pants.  It was a detail I chose to watch for when I sent her upstairs.  All I could do was roll my eyes, and know that this means we do have a problem with any man who happens to show her attention.

I pointed it out to my female neighbor, and she said, "He's a good guy."  I know that.  But the next man who is kind to her may not be a "good guy."  And Little Girl...I am not even sure she is even aware of what she was doing.  Yet...it was pretty obvious.

Update from the Cody Simpson/ Big Time Rush concert.

So we are at the concert of Dee's favorite singer. He was he warm-up for a more famous band. I have ear plugs in. I did enjoy the two warm-ups (including my future son-in-law). Her emotions are a wreck.

She missed me appropriately while I was gone, but when I came back...it has only come out anger. Even my neighbors told me of totally disrespectful with them while I was gone. This is the last time she will have the birth control shot. I hope we can find something else. She is NEVER happy, and she use to be. Sad really.

In other news, my Chloe has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. It makes me sad. But she is pretty happy, so she is not that sick. My job is to keep it at bay as long as I can. Back to the concert...

Away from Home

Both Dee and I had a hard time with the good-bye. She wrote notes for me and put them in my suitcase. She was thoughtful enough to write one from her and each of the dogs. I wrote a note and left it on her bed, and then put one in each of her lunchables for the days I'm gone. She is texting me often, and in between, trying to take advantage of my friends. Dee ia also being very responsible. She is taking care of the dogs. Besides texting, we also Skype. That has been helpful. By the time I finally relax about leaving my kids, it will be time to go home. I am very pleased with how it's going. Whew!

Separaton

Dee was not feeling her best today, and she began to be sad that I am leaving. When we picked my niece up from the airport, she was talking a mile a minute with excitement. She became very sullen later and I was really worried she was going to be sick while I am gone. She was just disappointed that there was not enough time for my niece to do her hair today. She put some love notes in my suitcase and did the first round of packing for me. I told her I needed a sweater for the cold hotel training rooms, so she packed a sweat shirt. SWEATer and SWEAT shirt. (Easy mistake.) My niece is 20, but is pretty obsessed with the computer. I told her I want her to make sure my child is taken care of. I then told Dee that I am counting on her to make sure the dogs are OK. Her choices of clothes for the week will be ready for her. Her lunch choices are Luncheables or peanut and jelly with the normal sides: fruit, string cheese, and a snack. It'll be a good week for us both, I'm sure. I'll Skype daily. And the poor doggies do not even know I'm disappearing! Better sleep before it's time to get up. Dee went to bed on time telling Requiyah that tomorrow cannot be a bad day becaue I'm leaving.

Sleepover

Last night, Dee had a friend sleepover.  She has had many sleepovers, but this is the first time the kid hasn't had some special needs.  Having A here has been good to see.  Dee is thrilled.  If she could pick anyone in the world whose approval she would want, it's A.  A was the queen bee in fourth grade, but then she developed early like Dee.  Becoming a little unsure of herself made her lose her position in fifth grade.  She is still near the top of the elementary/middle school ranking.  Dee goes to the dance school A has gone to since she was toddler.  So, they have their things in common.

We rented a couple of movies.  They got to pick some junk food, and the hunkered down for movie night.  A invited me to watch, and Dee invited me not to.  I let them start the movie and then I went down.  In five minutes, I was asleep.  When I woke up, I came to bed.  The next time I woke up, they were also in bed.

It's been very pleasant.  Dee has been silly happy, but it's still pleasant.  My neighbor said it was good to see Dee so excited, and it made her miss being this age.

I'm sure A will come back again.  But it will be cool if Dee befriended more kids without drama-filled pasts.

On another note, on the way home Dee told me she was channeling her inner-Michelle,  (Her therapist), and has been counseling at day care.  One of the things she did was break up with a boy for a girl that didn't want to do it.  Of course, this boy started the summer off being Dee's boyfriend, and has moved methodically down the list of girls.  I told Dee it's every girl or boy responsibility to break up themselves.  If the boy can ask a girl to be his girlfriend, then the girl owes him to look at him in the eyes and break up.  A typical Dee response:  "Really, why didn't you ever tell me that?"

Leaving Town Soon

For the first time since Dee came home, I'm going to a conference for work.  It means for five days, she will need to stay with someone else.  My boss has been wanting me to go to this conference every year since the year she came. 

This year, I sent my 20-year old niece a ticket to fly here from Chicago to stay with her.  How hard is that?  I couldn't think of one person in my immediate area who could take care of her.  My choices were to fly her to Chicago and let her flitter from family member to family member, or to bring someone to us.  I chose the latter because it allowed me to keep her environment more controlled.

My niece who is coming does not share my moral standards, but she is pretty strict.  It was for her strictness that I chose her.

Dee is excited for another week of vacation of not going to day camp.  But last night, I changed my mind.  Dee behaves horribly when she does not have structure.  If she watches too much TV, she is disrespectful.  I decided to make sure my niece didn't have to fight with her, and Dee did not turn my niece in to 9-1-1, I should send her to day camp.

I didn't want to do day camp because I will be double paying.  I will pay my niece, and I will pay day camp.  I must do it.  My boss said she would reimburse the cost of the plane ticket.  That will be helpful.  She made me feel bad when she told me she told the Controller that the rules needed to be bent because my daughter was "special needs," and could not stay with just anyone.  I was aware that I must present my daughter better.

So, I have worked since last night to find someone to take her to day camp.  (My niece does not drive.)  My neighbors will take her each day and bring her back all but two days.  A friend will pick her up one day and take her to her dance class.  I will pick her up the other day because I will be on my way home from the airport.  I feel much better.  She and Requiyah will have only afternoon/evening hours to fill up.

So, I'm preparing for my niece.  Getting my three girls ready for my absence.  And thinking about packing for my trip.  It's very different preparing for this conference than it was B.D.  (Before Dee).

Just praying my dogs are loved, fed and walked, and my house is standing when I return!

Letter Update

Our morning only got worse after the letter incident.  It ended with her screaming, "You don't even care!"  And me responding, "Watch how much I don't care." 

This afternoon, I told her that letter didn't make sense.  I asked if she had copied S.  She said, "No, S wrote it."  Then I gave a speech about why it didn't make sense.  Whey she would not realize it didn't match the story of her life.  How she should have known that wasn't her story.  And why she could have stood up and said, "That won't work for me, I know my birth mom."  Or, "My mom has told me everything she knows about my birthmom."  Her eyes glazed over.  I do hate when I can see the disconnect in her brain.  This was one of those many times.


I failed to mention yesterday that her list of things she would do from now on was labeled:  "Things to do to get Fun Stuff."  She is a rewards kind of girl.  Never doing anything for nothing.  So, this afternoon, she apologized, and then said, "So, does that make you want to take back anything you said this morning?"

This morning, I threatened not to do dance in the fall, tutoring in the fall, or change the living room around to accommodate the new computer.  She was talking about the computer.  I said, "Yes, I should have made it clear that I care about you, and that I love you."  And I walked away.  She said, "Anything else...like maybe about a computer..."

I feel bad for her and me.  When does RAD leave?  When you think it's lessening, you find it hasn't moved at all.  She surprises me when she shows she is just as unattached as she was on day one.

A Letter

When I picked up Dee from day camp today, she had two letters for me.  One was a list of all the things she would do from now on.  Be obedient and respectful for the most part.  The other one is below:

Dear Mom,
I was wondering if maybe you could tell me everything I need to know about my family (my real family).  Like why did she give me up?  Why didn't she want me?  And I really want you to help me understand my real life.
Dee

I found this letter to be offensive since I have never withheld a speck of information from Dee about her birth family.  She was copying another little girl who was adopted as an infant.  Dee's birth mother didn't "give her up."  She was taken because of abuse and neglect.  Dee knows this. 

I went to the file cabinet and gave her all the notes I wrote from her foster care file.  I told her that as I told her before, these notes were hers.  I was saving them for her.  But if she felt I was keeping secrets, I didn't want them.  She could have them all now.  But that was the only copy, so I suggested she take good care of them.  She somehow let her friends pull her into a romantic view of adoption.


She went on to tell me when she said, "real family" she meant her family now.  So, now she is not just demanding, she is lying.  She went on to scream and yell and get belligerent.  Now...she is cleaning.  She is trying to pay me off.

She told me S was also giving her mom a letter.  S thought she was African American and she is Hispanic, so I suspect these are really her questions.

I am not in the mood.

Grandma is Sick

My mom's health has not been good.  She is 80 this year.  I wanted to tell Dee that if something happened to Grandma that I would need her to be considerate and how I would feel.  But I stopped myself.  She knows.  She has lost a mom.  She may not show consideration, but I have no doubt, she knows how I will feel.

A Cry for Help

Dee and I have been talking about things that bother her when we do devotions.  And we were talking the other day about why her self-esteem is so low.  She said, it's not because of her skin color (like she told her therapist), but it's really because she is not as smart as her peers.  (She also mentioned this to her therapist.)  Then she said, "Mom, I need a tutor."  I asked her what did she need a tutor for.  She said, "Reading, math, communications arts, science, social studies.)

I was sad to see that her learning disabilities are beginning to really effect her.  So, that night I posted on Facebook that I needed a tutor.  A former church friend offered to tutor her in reading.  And someone suggested Sylvan.  I made an appointment and Dee took an assessment for math.  The cost is between $356 and $440 a month.  That's a lot!  And I fretted with how I could not offer this to her if she asked for it and really needed it, but how I could afford $400 a month and still eat!  She offered to give up dance for tutoring.

The day after offering to give up dance, I found her crying in her room because she really didn't want to give up dance.  I told her she would take dance -- maybe not all that she wanted, but I would figure it out.

I am able to get a student loan for Sylvan's tutoring.  That will allow me to pay for the cost over a longer period of time, and not pay $400 a month.  I do hate going into debt for it, but if there is anything I'd want to go into debt for...my daughter's education and self-esteem would lead the list.

I'll go back this week to hear the plan they have for teaching her.  She is excited.  They gave her incentive tokens for her effort on the assessment, and they apparently do that for all of the sessions.

I'm crossing my fingers.  I like the one tip they gave me...buy flashcards with the answers so that she will see the whole picture.  She also liked it.

My friend is going to go to her daycare and try to help her with her reading.  That will be an enormous help with my super busy evenings.

God is good.  If I couldn't have met this need for my child, I would have felt like a mom who failed.  It may or may not work, but it's the opportunity that counts!

Turnaround!

We have totally turned around the atmosphere in our house, and it is good!  It's a combo of several things.

1.  Dee was saying she felt detached from me, and I got that.  Though we spend most of our time together, I wanted us to do things she would count as attachment.  So, now we play games every night.  We both enjoy that time.  It'll be harder during the school year, but we will probably just make it a weekly thing instead of a daily thing.

2.  I learned even when she totally sabotages night-time devotions and reading, she really wants it.  It's some sort of test I didn't know I was taking.

3.  She started an antidepressant.  She said she notices that she is more like herself.  She said she no longer wants to just cry.  She said she would feel said, but not get it out, and then she would become angry at me.  But, none of that right now.  Thank God!

4.  I'm listening to the book, "Get Out of My Life, But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?"  It helps me to normalize and not take personally some of her hormonal adolescent behaviors.  It also said that single greatest factor for whether a kid is successful as an adult is whether or not they have a goal in their teen years.  Kids with no  goal tend to end up doing things that mess up their lives.  So I am starting to build Dee up so she can formulate goals in the future.

5.  We have a family motto.  "I'm a Princess.  My father is the Kings of Kings.  Treat me like royalty."  And though Dee can say it, she doesn't live it.  After hearing her say, "That was not smart, and I'm Dee and I know that."  I decided we needed to really start living our family motto.  I was pleased when she told me when some kid at day camp said, "That's so Dee."  She said, "My mom does not want me or anyone else to say that.  It hurts my feelings.  I want you to stop."  Her friend said, "OK."  (I'm not sure if it really had happened, or if she was running it past me to see if it's what she should do.)  I did tell her they may forget, but every time, she needed to remind them until they get out of the habit.


6.  I told her I stopped showing affection because I knew it made her uncomfortable.  She was suppose to tell me she was ready when she was.  She didn't.  She mentioned it in therapy.  So every night, I take a good-night kiss.  She is still very uncomfortable, but at least I know she wants it.


I left a  happy girl at day camp this morning.  I pray she makes some good decisions and I pick up the same girl this afternoon.

Self-Image

Monday, Dee was in her new normal mood of depression at therapy.  She did not want to participate, but if we were going to insist, she was going to not see anything positively.  1) I don't really care about her.  2) We don't bond.  3) She is not as smart as other kids.  4) Her skin is too dark.  Yes, when the therapist told me these things, I rolled my eyes.  I'm not sure how much they bothered her in that moment and how much they bother her normally. 

I instituted a mandatory game time each day.  That's the kind of thing she considers "bonding."  So we play a game or two each day.   She does seem to like it.

I talked to her about me not caring, and of course, that is just nuts.  She went to see the psychiatrist the next day, and there she felt better.  Yes, she knew I loved her.  I am strict.  I do want her at home.  Answers directly opposed to the day before.  I told her that her answers were different, and she explained the day before away.

I told her when I was growing up, parents began to think that their children needed dolls that look like them.  They wanted to see African Americans on TV and doing well so their kids could know they were fine just the way they were.  I told her it wasn't as saturated as it is today.  It must have stuck with both of us today because she wanted a doll that cost too much, and I bought it.

Today, while at the mall having a scavenger hunt between us two, we stopped at the American Girl store.  She really wanted a doll, and I finally said, "You are the only daughter I have.  OK, get one."  She got one that was closest to her skin color.  She debated straight hair or curly hair -- but chose straight hair.  She named her Mariah.  We bought Mariah a pair of glasses and dance clothes that were on sale.  Here is Dee and mini-Dee (Mariah):

Tonight, we started reading the book we actually went to American Girl store to get:  "A Smart Girl's Guide to Liking Herself -- Even on Bad Days."  So when made this statement about someon on TV, "That was not smart.  Even I know that, and I'm Dee."  I was able to remind her that the book says that if you are to have high self-esteem, you can't call yourself names.  (In this case, an implied "dummy.")  Maybe we can still move forward.

Moving...Not Always Forward

It's so hard. When your little girl is busy trying to attach even though she is a RADdie, and she enters puberty and she is trying to detach and you start her on birth control and her strong emotions are even more intensified. It's hard. It's hard for me and it's hard for her. Sometimes, I can step back and look at what it must feel to be her. But many times, I can only look at what it must be to be me. Dee told her therapist that she is more aware that she is not as smart as other children. She is too dark. And that it seems like I don't like her. She is not as smart as most kids. Well...she is. But she processes things so slowly, she cannot show it because they have moved on when she gets to the answer. She is not too dark. I started teaching her stuff I learned growing up. "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." "Black is beautiful." She is offended by "black," so we have to say "African American." And sometimes, I don't like her. But I have to make sure she knows I always love her. The next day we went to the psychiatrist's office, and she was feeling much better. She is an "in the moment" child. She didn't like that I brought up concerns from the past three months...she considers that done. She did tell the doctor I was strict, but had a hard time coming up with one of my strict rules. We instituted mandatory game time. We play everyday. I am queen of "Mystery Date." I have had several dates with "bicycle picnic boy." She could not play that game two Christmases ago, but she has caught up to it. You can't have more than six cards, and now if she has 8 cards, she can easily put back two. Before, it was too hard, she couldn't process it fast enough. Next week, we go to her birth control appointment. We may switch her to a pill to see if her hormones can be a little more even. If they think it will even out some, I'd rather leave her on the shot. It means we don't have a daily reminder of this decision. I'm reading a good book for parents of girls going through adolescence: "Get Out of My Life. But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" It is normalizing some of her behaviors. I have such a hard time deciding what is normal. We move on. One step forward and many steps backwards...but always moving.

Dee's Musings

Dee wrote some of her thoughts and feelings out at camp.  She used a familiar style, what our devotions are in.  I loved them.  She gave me permission to share.


#1 Missing Mom/Home



Mom, I miss you so much, but my actions aren’t showing it cause it makes it look like I’m homesick, but today I’m not eating dinner. I don’t know why I’m not eating. Whenever I’m sad or mad or happy or etc, I start writing in this little book. It really helps me get my feelings out without showing people how I feel. Sometimes, I wish I was at home or at school or somewhere besides here.

I have some good news! I have gifts for you guys. Can’t wait to give them to you guys.

God, please help me not to become homesick . Amen





#2 Knowing if to love the devil or Not

Sometimes I feel like I hate people. But I can’t hate people. I’m a part of God’s family, not the Enemy’s, the devil. Well, God told me and the world to love our enemies even if they don’t like or love us. So I don’t know about that…about loving Satan.

God, please help me to know if I should love the devil or not. You told us to love our enemies, so I don’t know what to do. Amen.



#3 God Answering My Question

So if God said he was going to be with us whenever, wherever, then why doesn’t he answer me when I ask him a question. I mean people answer me right after I ask them a question (when we are not mad at each other) so why doesn’t God?

Is He too busy for me and my life and my family and my questions?

Please someone answer my questions because I’m not getting this.

Please help God. Amen.

Two Small Changes

Dee is back from camp.  She had a great time, and they had good things to say about her week when I picked her up.  She was super excited to come home and see how much the dogs had missed her.  She also wanted to watch TV!  I could tell she was not quite the moody girl who left, so that was very helpful.  Her counselor wrote that she would be praying for her for the things that they talked about.  This was the first time in the three camp trips that she took time to go through her stuff.  She showed off her crafts, and explained things that happened.  She is maturing.  She use to come home and think, "Camp is over." and never consider that she could share the experience. 

While she was gone, I was praying that I could find a better way to respond to that attitude of hers.  On Pinterest, I ran across an article called 100 Ways to be Kind to Your Child. (http://creativewithkids.com/100-ways-to-be-kind-to-your-child).  It's stuff we mostly know, but I'm not sure stuff I mostly do!

When you read through the list, you get a feel for the things you should do.  The first thing I decided to do was to smile every time she entered the room.  So when I'm in a room, if she walks in, I let my face light up with delight.  All of us would love to be greeted that way.

The second thing I decided to do, though not exactly on the list...it was influenced by the list is:  I will speak joyfully of her.  Although the attitude and other behaviors may return, I would not expect them.  I would speak about her with the same joy I had before she came home.

Because I think God is responding to my prayers, something unrelated happened that helped my resolve.  After reading that list, I got an e-mail at work that my e-mail box was too full.  When I started to clean out the box, I read all of the e-mails I had written in my adoption process.  That Gale knew the challenges she was in for, and she was up for the task.  She was excited and in love ... unconditionally.  It re-energized and re-focused me.

So, let's try this this again with two small changes.

Dance Mom

Have you seen the TV show called "Dance Mom"?  I have not, but people are often talking about it.  I do not want to be a dance mom.  I want to be a mom whose daughter takes dance -- casually!  But the week of recital made me feel like all I did was dance stuff.

Monday, Dee finished her tumbling class.  Tuesday, last day of lessons for tap and ballet.  Wednesday, we had a day off!  Thursday, dress practice.  Be there early.  Leave work early because really...your whole life should be your daughter's dancing.  Friday, don't go to work.  You have to find someone to put a phony pony-tail in your child's hair because a low left-side ponytail is part of the costume.  So what if your child's hair doesn't go in a ponytail.  (The school did not complain...but the kid did.)

She had to be there at 6:00 for the 7:30 show.  People began to line up to get seats.  I got in line.  I heard last year, there were not enough seats for the tickets sold.  I "saved" my five seats, even when they came over the speaker saying all seats had to be released.  (Very dance mom.)

Dee did wonderful!  She did so much better on her ballet.  And she did well on tap and hip hop too.  She didn't have make-up on like many of the girls, but she had her fake ponytail and some lip balm!

The next day, she started cheerleader clinic.  I think she likes it, but she acted as if she would rather be doing hard labor.

 Look at that tongue...she is giving it her all!

My little ballerina (second from the right)

 Final bow!

Giving autographs on the ad Chloe, Roxy and I placed for her (Dance mom and all)!

Time Apart

Dee is at camp.  Royal Family Kid Camp which is for foster and adopted children who have experienced trauma.  I love it.  It's church-based.  Volunteers who train heavily and want to give these kids the experience of a lifetime.  Dee is very contrary these days, so of course, she did not want to go.  I did tell her not to get homesick, and she said with feeling, "Oh, I won't."  I told her, "I believe that to be true."  She said good-bye and she would miss me, and never looked back.

On my part, I felt so much relief.  I'm always happy when this week comes.  I think God plants it when I need it most, but never more than this year.  Next year, I have no idea what I am going to do because she will age out.  I need calm time to think through how to deal with the constant of her bad attitude.  I need to figure out how to give her what she really wants despite what she says and how mean she says it.  and most importantly, I need to figure out how to stay calm and not get pulled into the attitude of it all!

She will be back in less than two days!  I have a lot of work to do!

Pre-Teen Years...OMG!

Dee brought home a bookmark that she was given from the school where she could read four books and with a teacher's or librarian's signature, she could get a free Wendy's Frosty.  When I saw the paper, I accused her of forgery.  She denied it.  So I scanned it and asked the school administrator to verify it.  To my surprise, they did.  The teacher had asked her high school helper to sign it.  I knew the signatures look young, but when I mentioned it to Dee, she said, "Maybe she is young!  Not everyone has to write like they are 50!"

So, on the day when she was going to be exonerated, what does she do?  She sneaks an old disabled cell phone to school.   I found it, and tossed it in the trash on the way into the building.

When I picked her up, she was her normal moody self.  The daycare worker told me she had a "little" boyfriend.  I told her, "Dee is not allowed to have a boyfriend.  She is 11."  After a little talk, she said that apparently something happened, and Dee was sad.  I suspect the boy told her to stop stalking her.  She so wants to be a teen.


I told her I owed her an apology, but she remained moody.  She didn't eat dinner.  She wouldn't speak to the neighbor who stopped by. 

I took her to tumbling and when I picked her up, she continued.  I checked to be sure she was washing up, and she was.  She has gained a ton of weight.  I sure hope I did the birth control in time.

I'm a little concerned about the freedom they have in daycare.  She is certainly making life difficult.

Appropriate Application

Tonight, our devotion was about going through problems and how God may allow you to do that so you can help someone else later.  I mentioned to Dee that she has the ability to help so many because she understands people who hurt.  I used foster children as an example.  She told me about a girl she befriended at day camp who is a foster child, but she doesn't know why.  Did her parents die?  She doesn't know.  And then the part that impressed me most was that she mentioned how the girl doesn't have confidence.  She said casually, "She uses a wheelchair."  I was so impressed that she didn't start the conversation with the fact that girl was a foster child or that she uses a wheelchair.  It means she really sees the girl for who she is.

We talked about how she might be a good and encouraging friend to this girl.  Then we prayed.

I am so pleased with how that thought processed worked in her.

Amazed!

That's me!  I'm amazed!  My daughter is very different.  I'm loving the kid she is.  She is dealing with a lot of moodiness, but she is not so angry anymore. 

Today at dinner, she prayed, "Thank you God that I did good in Middle School today."  She started summer school, and it seemed to be a boost to her confidence.

We had to wake up very early and get out of the door this morning.  We did it.  She got up, got dressed, ate breakfast!  I don't even know this life!  But I know this...I love it!

I really pray that she is turning the corner.  I hope that feels the boundaries I have in place that will keep her safe.  And the freedom to just be a child!

It's exciting in our house.  She is downstairs doing some summer work I have for her.  She agreed to do it before school started today, but she seems motivated to do it.  I'm really proud of her!

Vacation

So, we finally took a "real" vacation.  We spent the week before preparing for it, and spending too much money.  Then we spent the week of vacation.  I'm tired.

My biggest concern was the "too much good" issue we always have.  I went over it with Miss Dee over and over.  She really did much, much better than I anticipated.

The night before, we hung out with two of my friends that Dee calls "aunt" and had her family birthday party.  It was very nice.  Very simple.  We opened gifts she had received and enjoyed the beginning of our vacation!

We left for Disney World on Saturday.  We dropped off Chloe and Roxy at my friends.  They looked really sad to know they were going to be left.  Chloe usually spends the entire time hiding by her couch.  She was much better this time.  She even played.

Can you see them peering in the doorway as we drove off?

I got a note they had a "new Gale"  - NOT!

We then left for the airport and fun adventure in Orlando at Mickey's house!

Dee did not enjoy Magic Kingdom.  She tends to get fixated on one thing and wants nothing else.  That day, she wanted to be at the swimming pool.  Even though I told her that our ticket was for the entire day and we had to get our $160 worth out of it.  She wanted to leave almost as soon as she arrived.  It was actual birthday.  She turned 11!  I had prepaid for her to have dinner with the Princesses, but she wanted to swim.  She didn't eat.  She barely smiled.  I keep saying, "She became happy when we left the happiest place on earth."

The next day, we slept in, and waited to meet our friend who writes the blog, Last Mom.  I have known her for several years as we went through the entire adoption process together.  But this was the first time we got to meet.  Our girls are the same ages.  It was to be "my" day during vacation.  Dee told her therapist meeting Princess was her favorite part of vacation.  We had so much fun watching our girls be themselves.  They were able to relax knowing we were there, and knowing the other girl also had "issues."  LastMom and I were sort of lost trying to figure out what our role was as they played together.  And Dee...she finally got to swim...for a while.  It rained a lot.

We then went to do some shopping and eat.  Princess and her mom could not stay for dinner.  But they sure made our vacation.

The next day -- our last full day in Orlando, we hit another park.  It went much better!  I read an article Last Mom had written on visiting parks and took some of her advice.  Here's the article link: http://www.allthingsformom.com/tips_to_help_your_child_avoid_meltdowns_during_theme_park_vacations
We went to Hollywood Studios.  She handled it much better.  It was less overwhelming.  We had fun.  We came back and had a very nice dinner at our hotel.  And prepared to come home the next day!

We didn't do anything the last day, but prepare to leave.  We counted it as a very successful trip.  I was glad to get my doggy girls, drink good water and be home!  And because we continued to be on vacation from most responsibilities, Dee continued to handle it fairly well.  The real test will be on Monday when I must return to work, and she had daycare, and we are rushing around!