Therapy Confession

I told Dee that I didn't want to go to therapy because I knew the therapist would not be pleased about the cell phone.  She gave me good advice in saying to keep the boundaries tight, and when they are mastered, then slowly open them.  Dee couldn't wait to see me get in trouble.

So when we walked in, she asked if I needed to speak with her first.  I told her that we all three needed to meet first.  I said, "I have a confession, but Dee is going to speak it."  Dee pulled out her cell phone.  We talked about how we came to the decision.  The therapist could tell Dee was eager for my consequence, so I couldn't have any candy from the candy bowl today.

In the end, I think she was impressed with the total joy she saw in Dee.  She thinks iletting her get the cell phone may actually have been a good move.  Dee told her last night she asked me to tell her something to dream about, and I said, "Dream about that phone you love and I'm going to regret."  We both cracked up!  It was one of the most positive sessions we had.  The phone is down to six minutes tonight.

Dee did get a "think sheet" today for not obeying at after school club.  She wrote me a letter to read BEFORE I read the think sheet.  It explained she knew she was wrong but she was having an off day.  I let her slide with a warning.  I told her I was being gracious because she didn't deserve another chance.

We are trying something we haven't been able to use...positive reinforcement.  She is regulated enough to actually hear the positive.

Last night at dinner, she said she loved KFC.  I told her we don't have it because she told me she didn't like it.  She asked, "Did I tell you that when I was 8?"  When I said yes, she asked me if  I hadn't realized yet that when she was 8 pretty much everything she said was a lie.

I'm really enjoying her this week.

Rock-a-Roo

Roxy's allergies are driving her nuts.  Her fur looks horrible.  She is not happy.  We are going to the vet on Saturday.  I didn't want to spend the $300 - $400, but it's my baby.  It's time!

Cell Phone

Dee had $24.  That's a lot when you are 10 years old.  She was looking through the Sunday newspapers.  Did you know you can get a smart phone for free!!!  After learning about contracts, she found a prepaid phone that fit her budget.  She asked if she could have it.  In a moment of weakness, I guess, I agreed.

It was a moment of weakness because we discussed that she could have a phone when she went to 7th grade.  I felt if she didn't get to spend her money on things really important to her, it would be not so fun to have money.  I told her to think it over.  Consider that if she used it inappropriately that I would throw the phone and her $24 away.

She thought about it and we went phone shopping!  Dee got a $19.95 Tracfone.  The girl assured us that she blocked the web.  She asked how many minutes I wanted to buy.  I call Dee over.  She said none.  The girl said without minutes, you'll just have a phone to play with but no communication.  Dee told her that's what she wanted.  I brought a happy girl home. After research, I found that the web was not blocked.

So today, we did the whole trip over.  Returned the phone, and bought a different one at a different store.  Despite the fact I have tons of education under my belt...I managed to miss that phone too also has internet.  I'm so angry with myself.  I do not think Dee will be able to do anything on the web since she doesn't have a data plan.  Any effort will burn her minutes before she can connect.  But I'm so frustrated with myself.  Dee is overjoyed!  She began to have buyer's remorse and is even happier with phone #2.

I do see a different little girl right now.  She prayed in her nightly prayer for God to not even let her want to try to be sneaky.  (It was good to see what her heart wanted.)    And she prayed that she could prove me wrong.  I pray the same thing.

The Concert and a Banned Video

Dee and I were given tickets to the Taylor Swift concert.  The seats were great!  The parking was $27!!  Of  course, the seats were worth $180!  We had a ball!  Since Taylor is sponsored by Cover Girl, there was make-up give-a-ways and makeovers before the concert.  Just up Dee's alley!

I knew she would be so excited by all the vendors.  She would NEED a t-shirt, NEED a light, and NEED some food.  So, on the way there, I gave her $20.  That's your money, I said, use it on anything you may want.  She bought one $4 cotton candy.  Things always look different when the money is coming out of your pocket.  Who knows how much I saved?  A little t-shirt alone was $25.  But Dee doesn't know that...she never glanced that way.

We enjoyed the concert which ended at 11:00 p.m., so we had trouble getting to church for the 8:00 service, which I like to attend.  We made it to the 9:30 service, and Sunday School at 11:00.  Not without some arguing because Dee was very against waking up this morning!

Tonight I was watching a DVD we rented and Dee never seemed to want to watch with me.  A breaker tripped, and when I tried to re-start the DVD, I somehow started the VHS.  In the VHS player was a video I never saw.  I opened it up, and Dee was standing there.  It was "Dirty Dancing."  Someone threw a bunch of VHS tapes away, and Dee asked if we could take the Dirty Dancing one.  I said, "No."  She asked why and I told her it does not sound like a video we want to watch in our house.  So....she just snuck it.  She believed it should not be held against her since it did not happen today.

I told her she has lost trust in playing outside alone, (and she just got that back), and she lost trust in watching TV.  She is constantly reminded that trust is easily lost and difficult to gain.

She is trying to buy me off.  She started keeping a behavior chart on me a couple of days ago.  So, today she told me I have earned $2.10.

On a scale of 1 to 10...

In therapy today, I talked with Miss Michelle first.  She had received my note on how Dee did after last week.  So we chatted about that.  She gave me an American Girl book she got from a garage sale about body stuff.  And I told her how well Dee did this week.  When Dee went in, she asked her how her week went, she said "4" on a scale of "10."  So she came to the reception area, and asked me and I said a 9.5.  We learned that if she does anything wrong, then really knocks herself down.

Tonight she came in, and fixed the dogs food.  They loved the way she did it and she felt very proud!  She then made me a snack and brought me water.

Then she journaled my food from yesterday and my exercise.  And now she has a plan.

It was a fun and enlightening day.  I'm going to be shocked when this Dee wears off and the other one comes.  I'm feeling so hopeful!

Perspective

A month or two ago, I talked with a friend I just don't talk to enough.  She told me then her son, 13 years old, had attempted suicide.  I could see it.  He has always been a kid who needed to do well, and perform well.  He was born that way.  I remember when she worried that he could not do well with an unstructured kindergarten teacher.  His dad is a pastor and his mom is a social worker.  They immediately got him help.

Well, I don't know the details, but I do know that he caused a spinal cord injury in himself.  He is hanging on.  They are devastated.  If they get him through the physical trauma, what about all the emotion going on.  My heart aches for them.  I love this family so much!

Their son is the only person I ever sat in a hospital waiting to be born.  And it wasn't that long ago.  I've been praying all day for him, and for his family.  It puts in perspective all of our issues.  They are not easy -- especially when you are in them.  But I have my girl.  She has not harmed herself.  I don't have to worry about if she will walk again, and if she does will she want to live.

Today, I feel like I have the easy life.

Mean Words

Dee was still doing great today.  I got a note this morning that there was a substitute in her class.  I called the school and asked them to tell the sub not to let her out in the halls alone.  It's a "better safe than sorry" preventive.  She did fine in school. 

I actually left my cell phone at home, and I was sure she did not have it.  Our system of checking her bags and making sure she didn't have pockets really gave me a sense of calm.

When we got home, a little girl from down the street knocked on the door.  She asked if Dee could come out to play.  Before she was done talking, Dee yelled down the stairs, "No!"  I said, "She has gymnastics, and we are about to eat dinner."  Then I heard Dee say aloud, "I don't even know why she is here."  I kept talking to the little girl.  But I was angry and disappointed in Dee.

Why did she say that?  First, she was talking out loud, and probably didn't know she said it out loud.  Or maybe she did.  When she came down, I confronted her.   She didn't say anything.

I know she is mad because the little girl who came over, "A" was playing with the girl Dee is forbidden to play with yesterday.  So Dee is angry that didn't drop the friend.  She is very possessive of her friends.  But in trying to hold on to "A," she was mean and probably has lost another friend.

At night time, she wrote me a very sweet note:

From: Dee-a-roo

To:  Mom-a-roo

PS - You are everything I have to love.

You are a rock.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for being the best mom ever.  And thank you for being there  for me when I need help with my sadness or something like that.  I love you.

Peace

We are having a very peaceful weekend.  Dee is acting near normal.  She is not causing drama.  She understands that things are processing in her.  She is ready to stop the process.  She told me she heard a voice that told her she just needed to forgive her birth mom and not hold a grudge.  I told her that was ideal.  Anger and bitterness inside us makes us do mean things.  When we forgive, we can move on.  And...if we love someone and forgive them, our heart feels better.

She is much happier right now.  I am sure we will revisit all of this again in a month or two.  It's not over, but it is a big step.

She still owed me $6 from stealing my stuff.  She told her therapist she needed to pay me but she didn't want to give me all of her money.  So they agreed she'd give $4 of her $8.  She couldn't bring herself to do it.  But after spending a dollar, she just handed me $6, and said, "My debt is paid."  I agreed.  Now, she is working hard to earn some money.  That works for me.

I also told her today that her trust level is between 2 and 3 on a 10 scale.  She was thrilled that she is no longer at zero.  I reminded her how long it takes to build trust versus how quickly you can lose it.

But overall, our house is peaceful.  It's so nice!  Dee asked if we can have a foster child.  I said, not right now because I don't have any more time to give.  She takes more than her share.

An Interesting Car Ride

Today was my long commute day.  I drive 34 miles to work, then 34 miles back to get Dee for therapy, then 30 miles to therapy and then 30 miles home.  On the way home from therapy, we always talk a little about therapy.  Miss Michelle said that they talked about the heart puzzle again.  I told Dee that I didn't remember the heart puzzle, and asked what it was about.

She said it was a heart, but a piece is missing.  It's the piece she has to figure out between her birth mom and me.  She understood that it was something she needed to do.  She said she had not forgotten how it worked.  But a little later in the drive, she started with hard questions.

• Why did Birth Mom get to keep the two youngest kids?
• Why did Birth Mom replace her with another girl?
• Why did Birth Mom get her life together for them and not the first three?

She admitted that she hoped to find Birth Mom as mess up as before because it would hurt her to know she managed to get it together for the younger ones.  I asked her if she really wanted the two young ones to go through what she had gone through?  She said she didn't want that new girl not to know what a mess her mom was.  It would make her mad to hear her say that she had a great mom when she wasn't so great for her.

I commended her for saying "if" she chooses to find her birth mom when she is 18 or older.  I told her she can make that decision later.  I assured her tonight that she could love both of us.  She said something in her nightly prayer that made me feel she felt she had to choose.  She answered me with "I didn't know that."

She is really trying to figure it out.  It will be so cool if she could just get on with her life.  I was proud of her today!

Foster Child Syndrome

A while back, I diagnosed Dee with FCS (Foster Care Syndrome).  Although it's not in the medical books yet, it should be.  Many parents of children who were in foster care will recognize it.  It's a "disease" with symptoms of  thinkimg you should be pitied and treated special because you are/were in foster care.  The cure, I believe for FCS, is adoption.  I  have had a hard time convincing Dee that she is now cured. 

She is in special education classes part of the day at school.  She likes to use that to her advantage.  She claims she can't do things, she doesn't understand.  And mostly, she just doesn't try.  She knows how to make it look like she is trying, but she doesn't try.

Yesterday, I saw her in her tumbling class do the exact same thing.  She didn't try half of the things the other kids were doing.  Even things the six year olds were doing.  She just excused herself as not being able to do them.  I told her when parent observation day comes around in October, she had better be doing what the other kids are doing.  If I were her, I wouldn't wait until then to start trying.  No wonder she has no self-esteem!  She quits before she starts!

A Little Insight

Today Dee's former worker called.  He said even though he had talked to me before, he was forbidden to say anything about the case.  I understand.  I did get a little insight from him.  It's as bad or worse than I anticipated.  So, I'm glad we are not doing the interview right now.

I do think it helps me to understand all the craziness that must be going on inside her and coming out in her behaviors.

So we move on!!!

Good News, Tears & a Cold

Today when I was at lunch, I got a call from the State worker.  She left a message that she had good news.  They didn't need to interview Dee right now.  She said she'd call me back next week and give me more details.  (I think she checked to see what she could divulge.)  It's like watching a train wreck.  I want to know so I can stop speculating, but I also don't want to know.

Dee is not feeling 100%.  She is coming down with a cold.  I don't have time (work-wise) for a cold, so I have been very proactive.  I noticed last night when she went to bed, I rubbed her with Vicks VapoRub.  She smiled.  I could tell it made her feel taken-care-of.  It is always interesting to see what sparks that in her.

She is also very weepy.  Very, very weepy.  I told her it was hormones.  Great.  Just what we need.

The doggies are needing some attention.  I did play with them some today, but they would like to go to the park or something.  We need to build that in.  It can't be all Dee and no Chlo-Rox.  That would make an unhappy home!

Therapy to the Rescue

I have never looked forward to therapy so much as I did today.  Dee was looking forward to it also because she had a good week, and she wanted a treasure from the treasure chest.  I was looking forward to it because I value our therapist's opinion, and I knew she could help me with recent predicament.

She listened to the story.  She said, "You're done.  I'll take this over."  I'll talk to the detective, and try to get him or her to see the therapeutic side of it.  Then I'll get information, but she and I both were leaning to not allowing the interview otherwise unless there is more information.  I think she will understand which way I would want to go, and they are probably more willing to share info with her.  So...I'm going to just trust her and try to relax.

Dee her that she could tell her she is being more accepted by her peers now that she is doing better. 

Overall today was much better than yesterday!  Whew!

A Small Reprieve

Early this morning the state worker called me back.  She talked to the worker on the case and explained my concerns.  They are checking with the detective on the case to see if maybe Dee's therapist can talk to her instead.  That would be better.

One thing for certain is that what's going on in that little person is more than I can imagine.  No wonder life is tough for her!

Stroking Out

I had a call from the Children's Division on Friday.  I thought it was about renewing my foster license.  But no...when I called today, it was about interviewing Dee about possible past sexual abuse.  A family member is the one they are investigating, and it sickens me. 

My little girl will not like talking negatively about her birth family.  I think she may feel betrayed.  She will have to face a ton of memories she doesn't want to face.  I don't want to face them either.

Do I have a moral obligation to help make sure this doesn't happen to someone else or not?  If it were me, I'd be glad to go through the interview, but it's not me.  It's a little girl, who may or may not have experienced something, and may or may not remember something.

I think I'm going to have a stroke.

A 5 Year Old Planning to Avoid Foster Care

On last Tuesday, Dee told me the story of an evening visit with her  birth mother when she was still in foster care, and how she hung onto her leg and would not leave.  Once they peeled her away, ang got her in the car, and she waited until she heard the click of the driver's belt, and bolted from the car.  She said she was able to do it because when she heard talk that they may be put into foster care, she "made a plan."  She was going to escape if they tried to take her.  Her plan was thrown off because they took her at school, and they were on the highway a lot, but she decided to use it this day.  I told her if she only used her brain for good... And I told her that it sounds like something I would also plan.

The next day, we were on our way to therapy.  She was talking non-stop birth family.  I had had an e-mail earlier in the day that birth mom wrote to her former worker and asked about visiting the siblings in care or even adopting them.  He said she didn't mention Dee, but she knows Dee is adopted.  (I found her on-line and sent her a note. I've never heard from her, but I also sent a note to her sister, and she did respond.)  Anyway...so on our ride to therapy, I asked Dee, "If a magic fairy allowed you a special wish to visit your birth family for one day, and then you come back to me, would you go?"  She said, "Hmmm...."  Then she asked if I could go.  I said, "No, you have to go alone."  She said she would say "no."  I asked her why, and she said she would be scared.

Turning it Around

When Dee woke up on Monday morning, she was not excited to go to school.  She was grumpy because she knew she had to face the music for her actions on Friday.  She knew she could get suspended.  And she was not pleased about taking apology letters to the teachers. 

I admonished her when I dropped her at daycare, that people are more likely to accept an apology of a kind and pleasant girl than a grumpy and mean one.

E-mails flew that day from teachers saying she was having a great day.  The Assistant Principal called.  He did not suspend her, but did a good talk with her.  He is also the principal at the middle school, so he told her about the consequences there.

When I picked her up, she said, "Mom, did you hear I turned my day around?"  She was so excited!  She refused to do anything that would mess up her day. 

The next day, I gave her my words of wisdom, and she said, "Don't worry, I'll have a great day.  I turned my life around!"  Cool, I thought.

She went on to have an excellent day.