The Little Things

Dee got some great things for her Christmas, but I knew she would love the little things that were waiting for her in her stocking.  She did.



First, she got some bath time paint.  She can write on herself, the tub, the wall.  I got it from Avon and she loves it.

Second, she got new bras that actually have cup sizes.  She is thrilled.  She has been needing them.  I looked for weeks for little girls bras that did not have padding.  Nearly impossible to find if you don't want a sports bra.  She loves the padding, and I'm wondering why they are adding this stuff to children's lingerie. 

Third, I put a "shaver" in her stocking.  She has been begging to shave under her arms.  Finally, I realized it was time.  She got a razor, but only I could use it.  I shaved her today, and she was thrilled.

She also got a birthstone necklace, deodorant and Mary Kay facial cleanser and moisturizer.

That stocking was very Dee!  She loved it!  I knew she would.

A Little Better

Today, I went back to work.  I'm so grateful.  I really needed some separation from Dee.  The support of my coworkers and the space allowed me that.  People fed me back my on parenting theories when I couldn't see it myself.

I could think a lot clearer without the constant negative talk, sabatoge and attitude feeding into my thought processes.

When I picked Dee up from daycare, I didn't say anything.  I wanted her to earn the rights that she had lost.  We sat down to dinner and I asked her to tell me what went wrong during the weekend.  She did great.  She talked about her attitude, her sabatoge, trying to get control, etc.  She didn't mention the porn.  She also mentioned that when she was egging me on and I let her that didn't help.  She said she replayed the things in her head, and she saw clearly the things that were wrong.

Then we talked more about it.  She continued with the attitude, so I would say, "Stop.  We apparently can't talk to each other."  Eventually, we made it through the conversation.

I would not give her the right to call me "Mom" again until she wrote what she appreciated about me.  It took three rounds.  First Round she wrote why I should let her call me Mom:

Dear Miss Gale,
Here is some things I think should call you mom.  First I think you have have kid that you adopted  and that kid should be able to call you "mom."  You are very strict about things that are mean to others, things that get out of control.  You adopted me so that you will have kid that will treat you with respectuflness and that has a kind tone in her voice and not a nasty tone in her voice.  You also expect others to threat you the way you want to be treated, and you expect your kid to be happy and joyful, thoughtful, for all of the hard work you have put into something like oh I don't know maybe a present opening morning time with all kinds of stuff.  I think you should let me call you mom because did adopt me to not let me call you mom.

Round Two

To Gale
From Dee
I appreciate about you that you are a hard worker, and you think about yourself first then you think about others.  And I appreciate too about you is that you can make something that is small into something huge like for x-mas time.  And you protect me when I am sad, scard, etc.  And I'm scared of the dark , when I ask you if you could sleep with me and you do.  You always, and I mean always, make me feel better with the dark.

(OK...I cracked up on this one.  She said I think of others first, like when I told her to stop helping others at school until she gets her work done.  I told her I had to do my work at work, and then I can help others.  She said, I made her birthdays and Christmases big deals when they were small.)  It was nice when you know what she meant, but I sent her back for Round Three!

1. You are thoughtful.
2.  You are a great patient to me.
3.  You take care of me.
4.  You always make sure I'm happy (only on a good day).
5.  You help me with my work so I can grow up smart.
6.  You make sure I look good on school days. :)
7.  You're funny all of the time. :)

I took Round 3 because I was tired, but it is more of what I wanted from her.

Christmas 2011

I have been both excited and scared at the Christmas Dee was going to have.  I would think about how she'd feel when she saw her big gifts and even the little gifts in her stockings.  I knew it would mean a lot.  At the same time, I was concerned that she would sabotage.

On Christmas Eve, she did try to sabotage.  I announced to her that she could try it, but she was not allowed to ruin the dogs and my Christmas Eve.  She did not have to participate, but she needed to be quiet, and ride along.  After church, we picked up the dogs, and went to look at light.  Of course, she acted a fool at bed time.  I ended up letting our recorded book read to me, and left her out.  I told her the next day, I hope she can join in next year.   If not, maybe it will just be my tradition.

Christmas Day, she did well.  She pouted some.  She showed off a lot at church.  But later in the day, when some kids were visiting, I was working on allowing her iPod to text, when she came up and got the new toy.  Of course, I had unlocked it to work on.

A little while later, I was reviewing her e-mails, and she had one from Annana.  It was blank, but I became suspicious.  I asked her to bring her iPod up.  She was very protective of it.  I said, "I think I may have left internet on it."  She said I had.  I opened up Internet, and sure enough...in that short time, she was watching porn!  I took the thing away.  Locked it up and gave it back.  I told her I was disappointed because we agreed what she would do if any Christmas present was overwhelming.

Then she started that crazy talk she does, and I took it back.  She screamed and yelled and tantrumed.  Then she wrote an apology where she just called me Miss Gale.  I asked her why, and she said she felt like it.  I returned her homemade present.  I told her that those special gifts were from mom and daughter, but apparently I got mine from a girl in my house.  She then returned mine this morning.  She said she did want to call me Mom.  I reminded her we have been through this before.  It's not an at-will thing.  You don't get to choose when I'm your mom or not.  It ended with me saying, "You may call me Miss Gale."

I also gave her back her iPod this morning.  It is a very expensive MP3 player and camera.  I suspect she will lose the camera option soon.

She is probably loving the chaos she has caused.  Next year, I will read this and there will NOTHING given to her by me or anyone else that can ruin my Christmas.

Asking for It..

I know that Dee will be overwhelmed with the number of presents she is getting.  I'm so excited to see her get things she wants...but I'm scared and sad for how her reaction maybe later.  We've talked, but I know she won't be able to help if she can't handle it.

She is suppose to ask me to keep things for her if it gets to be too much.  Here is the source of my concern.

iPod Touch from Mommy
Used Bike from Grandma & Uncle Ricky
Used Keyboard from Santa
iTune Giftcards from Uncle David, Auntie Shawn and Auntie Be-Be
Cody Simpson CD from Chloe
Taylor Swift CD from Roxy
Selena Gomez CD from Uncle Tony
Gift Card from Secret Benefactor at church
Dance School Sweatshirt from Santa
Best Buy Gift Card from Mom
Jeans and Shoes from Auntie Rea
Barbie Head from Jackson & Family
Gift from Lesia
Gift from Aunt PJ
Gift from Aunt Donna

In her stocking:
Bath paints
Moisturizer and Cleanser
First razor
Bras (cup size) not band-aids
Birthstone necklace

She will absolutely love her Christmas.  But it did get to be much!  Someone was selling the bike which has been exposed to the elements but has never been ridden for $40.  The keyboard was given to me when I mentioned it topped her wish list by someone not using it anymore.  And so...this is probably be the biggest Christmas she will ever have.  And I just know...I will pay for it.  But first, I will enjoy her joy!

I Passed!

Today, Dee didn't get up when called.  I finally said, "I'm going to warm up the car, and the car leaves in five minutes."  She knows from experience, the car will leave in five minutes.  Once she waited, and I made her chase me for almost two blocks carrying a ton of things.  So she cam scurrying out, fully dressed, and with backpack.  I was suspicious.

In the car, I told her that I hadn't done her laundry because she did not put them in the laundry area of the basement.  I told her three times yesterday to get that laundry in the right place.

Then we got to school.  She handed me her book bag to check.  I said, "Bathroom."  We walked to the girls' bathroom and I did our strip search.  I made her take off her boots, and I checked her bra and underwear.  I found nothing.  When she was putting her boots on, I checked her coat's hood.  She asked what I was doing and I said, "Making sure you didn't sneak anything in your hood."  She seemed annoyed with the whole process.

After I signed her in, she came and hugged me and gave me a kiss.  On the way to work, I realized I passed!  I made her feel safe by not being manipulated by tardiness into not making sure she respected the boundaries.  She would have punished me if she felt I couldn't keep her safe from herself.  Whew!

Therapy Insights!

Last night at therapy, I spoke with the therapist first.  We talked about how Dee is stuck on birth family right now, how she is losing information and her social skills.

The therapist told me that Dee disassociates from conversations, and she knew I knew this.  But what I'm apparently not getting is that Dee does not remember any of the conversation that she dissaociates from.  So, when she disassociates, I must bring her back with a touch.

Second, she thinks Dee was exposed to drugs and/or alcohol in utero.  I agree.  Even though there was no note in her hospital birth records, and her apgar scores were 9's, she has all the signs.  I did read an article that said apgar scores may not be a good indicator.  I think they may not have tested her blood because of the apgar scores.  Anyway, she said it would explain why she would completely know something , like which pills she takes, and then suddenly no longer know it.

Dee had a separate session with her.  I'm not sure what she talked about, but it was the first time she wanted to meet with her separately.  I haven't had any patience, so I'm sure she had to have another place to get her answers.

The therapist told me something that I'm more than aware of.  Right now, I'm Dee's whole world.  She has other things, but in this world...she just has me to depend on.  That's gotta be scary for her!

Deliveries!

Today, I came home to my "Trauma MaMa" exchange present sitting on my front porch.  How fun!!!!  Another box was on top of that, and it was from a Dogster (a dog blog site)friend...something for each one in the family!  We got cards and Dee sat under the tree rearranging all the gifts.  Most Dee had wrapped.  I keep all her gifts at work until Christmas Eve to help with sneaking.

I think it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

What a Start to the Week....

Monday, Dee's special ed teacher wrote to me said Dee was not focused at all.  Dee declared herself  "Done!" with an assignment the teacher was still giving directions to.  I told the teacher I'd try to scare her straight.  I explained that I thought December was difficult for Dee.  She has been talking about birth family a lot.

Today (Wednesday) she wrote Dee did wonderful yesterday, but today she was needy and whiny.

When I picked Dee up yesterday, I asked if she had changed into her dance leotards.  She answered with such a hateful response:  Yes, I have them on!  [But you have to read it with hate!]  I told her not to say another word to me, and get in the car and when we get to dance get out.

After dance, she was chatty, but I chose not to respond.  I made dinner, and we ate in silence.  Then I told her to take a bath and go to bed.

This morning I asked what she learned from yesterday.  She said, "Not to make you mad."  I said, "No."  She said, "Be respectful."  I told her if she never has another good day, I will not allow her to speak to me disrespectfully.  The sooner she learned, the better her life will be.

I Have to Tell You Something...

That's what Dee told me today.  I didn't know what it meant.  But I suspected she had stolen something.  No, she had sneaked her cell phone to school.   Arrrggg!!!!

I have a "no non-school items at school" rule, and the school has a "no cell phone" rule.  And she broke both.  She told me because I told her if I found she had sneaked or stolen anything then Christmas presents would start disappearing. 

I asked her where she has sneaked it.  In her underwear, of course.  I had been strip searching her, but I stopped.  She must have missed it.

Arrgggg!!!!!  Will this kid grow up and be able to NOT take something from a store or a friend's house?  I worry.

Another Week Down

Dee has not had a good attitude.  She told me she thought she knew what it was, but she didn't want to tell me.  I told her to tell me what she thought.  She thinks it's Christmas.  She thinks the stress of being good is just too much.

So, I tried to take some stress off.  I went ahead and gave her shopping money for Christmas instead of making her earn it.  She was then able to look through magazines (catalogs) and window shop. 

I try to do something Christmasy with her everyday.  Friday, we went to our church's craft night.  Saturday, she shopped with her $100.  She came home and wrapped!  She is now enjoying the season.

It just seems like 14 days is a long way to go.  I'm excited for the fun Christmas she will have.  She is hoping that she will have more presents than me and dogs again.

The doggies are being left alone a lot.  I do feel bad for them.  They sure do deserve to have us home more. 

I'm tired of buying gas twice a week!  I'm tired and can't seem to get un-tired.

Smooth Sailing

We've had a time of smooth sailing.  Dee is pushing boundaries, but it feels like it age-appropriate pushing.  So it's been pleasant.

She did put on quite the show in therapy.  We usually talk about therapy for part of the trip home, but we pretty much rode home in silence.  Dee is becoming upset when some of her behaviors are called out.  It's a good thing.  In the past, she has just been proud.

Last night, she sang with the school district's choir at an outdoor Christmas event.  It ended with fireworks.  She was afraid, as I knew she would be.  She was still with the choir at the time.  When the event was over, she came over saying it made her cry and gave her a headache.  (I think the sounds remind her of gunshots.)

I took all three girls to see Santa.  Those pictures were adorable.  I can't wait to get them back.

All in all --- not so bad.

Thanksgiving, etc.

We have had a very good Thanksgiving.  It's surprising.  One of my friends called and was shocked to hear that Dee is able to handle a holiday.  It has been pleasant, and there's been many opportunities for things to go wrong:

1.  I have loosened the bedtime and sugar consumption because of the time off.  I expect that with the return of waking up on time and going to bed on time, we will have some problems.

2.  She was forced to go ring bells for the Salvation Army when she didn't want to leave her All-TV All-of-the Time.  She did it.  Was pleasant.

3.  She did sneak some sweets and ate all 25 days of her advent calendar chocolate, but I just counted it as a loss to her.

4.  She received a letter from her birth brother.  I told her the Wednesday before Thanksgiving it was coming as a means to prepare her.  She woke up at 9:00 on Thanksgiving and checked the mail.  It was very emotional for her to read something from her actual sibling.  She has had not contact with any birth family member for more than three years.  She commented on his poor writing skills.  I told her that she wrote exactly like him when she came.  We could see her progress through his letter.

5.  She has played with that cell phone non-stop.  How long can 120 minutes actually last?  I keep adding rules.  The main one is that the phone must sleep with me every night.  She never misses.  I also got to give her some texting advice in response to her friend.  I tried to teach her to ignore some messages, change the topic and see herself in the "poor me" texts her friend sent.

6.  She has been earning Christmas money when she isn't glued to the TV. 

7.  We have a foster dog, and she is not helping much with him though she really wanted him.

She is not an adventurous kid.  Although we were at a mall that we have only been to once, she asked if we could go to McDonald's after our bell ringing.  She asked if we could see the same movie she saw last week with a friend instead of one of the many Thanksgiving releases.  And...she likes the control to watch TV.  She asks for computer time, and I have been holding back because her Christmas gift could be deciphered on it.

All in all a good holiday weekend.  I expect next week not to be so good.  But maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Arrggg!!!! One Year Since Finalization

Can you hear me yelling?  I'm so tired of my little girl.  Yesterday was our finalization anniversary.  Did we celebrate?  Oh no!  I'm way too smart for that.  But am I getting backlash anyway?  Of course.  I don't know if it's the anniversary of the finalization.  Or if it's Christmas or what? 

I celebrated our finalization with well wishes from Facebook friends, but I cautioned everyone that Dee could not handle congrats.  I did mention to her that a year ago, we were out of town. 

Dee has many learning disabilities but she is acting like she is dumb.  And she is a very sneaky child.  She is sneaking things and acting dumb!  She has suddenly forgotten which pills she takes in the mornings and which she takes in the evening.  I told her to sit down and do something, and suddenly she couldn't remember what I told her.

Does she want to be babied?  Does she want to drive me nuts?  I don't know.  I just know I'm tired.  And I wish we could just have fun without undertones.

Catching Up..

I find that when Dee is "on a roll" then I simply don't have the energy to think through what we are going through to write it out.  That's how this week has been.  She has been contrary to no end!  She has been argumentative on every little thing and disrespectful way past my tolerance level.

I finally told her something in her language:  THINGS.  "Keep this up, and I assure you there will be no Christmas in our house this year.  I love Christmas, and celebrating my Savior's birth.  But it's just way more important to me that I have a respectful daughter."

I believe she started to think about that, and I got an e-mail from her yesterday while she was at after-school care.

Hi Mommy,



When I came to adviter club I finely realized that it was my fault about what happened this morning. I felt and I still feel like I really I didn't need to get a adautoda [attitude]with you this morning.I told myself this"dee you need to get youre self underconcorle or you will not have a very happy mom. So would you weather want a grumpy mom or a happy mom,if you want a :) mom then you need to stratin up. i hope you forgive me I promise you this ill be kind to youn .

Translation: When I came to adventure club, I finally realized that it was my fault about what happened this morning. I felt and I still feel like I really didn't need to get an attitude with you this morning. I told myself this: "Dee, you need to get yourself under control or you will not have a very happy mom. So, would you rather have a grumpy mom or a happy mom? If you want a :) mom, then you need to straighten up I hope you forgive me. I promise you this, I'll be kind to you.

It was a good jump-off point.  She has been trying to do better.  She has not asked for her phone or other electronics because she knows she has not earned the right to have them.  She seems to be begging for more rigid boundaries so she can have something to fight against.

Yesterday morning she found out I was off from work, so she became jealous.  At 11:00, I got a call from her saying she was sick.  By 1:30 or 2:00, I had a kid having a tantrum because she was bored stuck in her bed.  I also told her it was like trust.  Now, if she is not feeling well...she cannot call me from school.  I will only come and get her for a fever on the thermometer or if she throws up her food from the past three days and there is a witness.  (She knows how to make herself throw up a little.)  Since I was home, I think her charade was actually worth it.

On the way to therapy after the pretend illness, we talked about several things.  Why she has been so mean.  She ventured some guesses, but I told her I didn't think that any of those were it.  She has standard therapy answers, like kids have standard church answers.  "What did you learn in Sunday School?"  "About God."  "Why were you acting like that?"  "I think I wanted to be in control."    I do think our talk gave her the chance to work  through some things and organize her thoughts.  It also gave me the chance to make sure she understood the rules.

In therapy, they are re-working on her book.  They have separated her life in parts.  So it's been decided that they are on Part 3.  It helps her to see progress.

Long week, but it's looking up!

Act Your Age

I noticed that Dee is acting more and more like a two- or three-year old.  She is not exactly bouncing back from her moods like she use to.  She seems to be teetering on the edge, waiting still for something to happen.

I told her yesterday if she continued to act like she is, then she will get privileges to match the age she is acting.  For instance, she is acting 3, then she will have the privileges of a 3-year old.  That is no sleepovers, no watching TV alone, no cell phone, etc.

The other thing I noticed about her is that she can be perfectly fine, but the minute she heads to the car or the house she becomes moody.  I pointed it out to her by telling a friend on the phone.  It's annoying!  Her answer to her nasty attitude is, "I didn't say that."  And my answer to her is "Action speaks louder than words."

She's been trying to be sneaky.  She did homework in homework helper where she just copied someone else.  When I made her re-do it.  She had a fit, and she didn't know how.  After I taught her and she was able, she started running around saying she was smart.  She tried to sneak the phone today.  The alarm on it went off when I called to tell my boss I was running late because of her.  She thought I would not notice that she grabbed it, and she was going to keep it.  I just stood by the car waiting, and when she turned.  I asked her if she forgotten something.  To her credit, she dug around in the car and pretended to get it from there.

Roxy
Roxy is not feeling well.  I may have to take her to the vet on Friday.  She is just laying around.

Chloe
Chloe is perfectly happy getting food from me and Dee and eating what Roxy doesn't eat.

Better go!  I have a girl to pick up from dance class.  Attitude Shield:  Check.  Mean Mom Voice:  Check.  Whiney Ear Plugs:  Nope.  Oh well, better go anyway!

Slumber Party

Dee went to a sleepover immediately after school.  The parent had four 10/11-year olds over.  I didn't know how it would go.  I told Dee to stay out of drama.  She had that little cell phone with her.  She called and talked to me several times.  She sent several text messages.  One saying she didn't like the drama.  But overall, she did well.

It went on and on.  She called this morning and asked me to bring her swim suit.  She called again in the afternoon, and asked me to meet Hostess Mom and daughter and her at a nearby restaurant.

It was very nice for me to relax.  She had fun.  Before we left the restaurant, she was already changing her mood.  She was rushing me out of the restaurant, but she knew she just wanted to blow.

I looked at her friend and say, "I do hope you can come spend the night next weekend.  If I have to cancel, it will be because Dee did not handle this overnighter well."  And I just keep reminding Dee.  She has tried a few times to be irritable.

She tried the playing dumb thing.  She didn't know which pills to take.  I gave her several chances, and asked her to put it down until she figured it out.  In the end, I told her what pills to take.  I also told her there will be no more overnights until she understood her medication because I thought she already did.  I know she knows what meds to take.  It's the playing dumb thing.  I call it the vacuum thing after a Christine Moer video.

She is very tired, and crawled into bed.  She only had six hours of sleep last night, so I know she will sleep well!

Sleepover

So yesterday, Dee got a last-minute invitation to a slumber party for today.  This child has been to our house many-a-times, but Dee has stayed over at her house only once.  And that's the only time I've let her stay with anyone.  The ante was raised this time because the whole girl clique would be there.  But I said, "yes."  After school, we had to go buy a present.  Dee knew they were going to a movie, but she didn't know she was spending the night until I asked her if she was going to be OK.  She was excited.

I was looking through the stuff she packed and she found jeans that don't fit well but that still have pockets.  I cut the pockets out.  She came in while I was doing it, and said, "Really Mom?"  I just stared back.  She then just stood there looking down while snot ran out out her nose.

Then she said she didn't think it mattered because she was going to a friend's house and not school.  I stopped what I was doing and went to bed.  This morning we continued the discussion and Dee said she didn't know why I was so upset.  I told her it was because I was letting her go somewhere because I thought she was 10 and mature, but she doesn't even understand our home rules.  Very unpleasant morning.

However, she is going to the sleepover, and the dogs and I are having a party!!!!!

Therapy -- Always helpful

After the last week, we walked into therapy and the therapist asked Dee to rate her week and she said a 10.  I was stunned.  I said a 2.  We found the discrepancy was Dee was only talking this week, not the week since we last went to therapy.  Then she gave herself a zero.  And for the week she was talking about, I gave her a 9.

We continued on our discussion.  Dee explained that since she first came, she thinks she is doing better because:  1) She thinks about the consequences of what she may do or say.  2) She knows when to give herself time away to calm down.

I mentioned my worry about her fighting the details of what I may say.  I said, "Dee may choose to argue one detail in something I say, and I gave an example.  I told the therapist that I was concerned that she was very smart or very not.  Dee said I know the answer.  She said it was a little of both.  But what I am saying to her doesn't always sound the way I say it to her.  We agreed I would have her parrot what I said when she does it.

Dee explained why she didn't want to talk about her birth family.  The therapist told her that it would be easier as time goes on.  I told her I didn't want her to replace real memories with fantasy thoughts. 

Dee shared what we learned about guilt and "actions speak louder than words."

I said that I thought Dee had a meltdown because of something that happen last week in therapy.  The therapist couldn't come up with anything.  Dee finally said, "It can happen when there is too much niceness."  Dee didn't want to talk about difficult things, so the therapist told her they didn't have to.  Although they did, Dee really didn't like the control she thought she seem to have.  That is the thin line I walk with her all of the time.

It was a good session.  Dee was not as focused as she can be.  But as always, she has the best insight to herself.

She mentioned when we came home, she didn't realize her selecting parts of what I said to argue about made me worry about her.  So now we are going to watch for it. 

She really is a smart girl in many ways.  And she has been so pleasant, she is fun to have around.

Her daycare leader has said that the positive reinforcement she initiated seems to have help.  She said when she was learning about it in one of her education classes, she thought, "I bet I can try that with Dee."  I appreciate that she cares that much.

So, we will see how tomorrow goes.  But today was pretty positive.

She's coming back

My Dee is back.  She is still acting very cry-babyish, but she is not acting defiantly disrespectful.  I'm not sure what exactly caused all of this.  I have some theories.

She has been talking about birth family.  They are on her mind and she'd die before admitting it, but she is afraid of her birth family.   The first time they came into custody was in April.  I'm going to see if I can back into the second time.  Maybe that's the problem.

She loves THINGS.  The idea of losing things at Christmas, especially something I've put enough thought into to buy it early is really motivating for her.  It also makes her happy.

Maybe she remembers that we finalized last year.  We kept it low key, but I'm sure it was very bitter-sweet for her.

If none of those are true...then I think the kid may have bipolar syndrome.

A Little Better

It was hard for me to allow Dee to interact with me today.  She has just not been kind, and I'm pretty sick of it.  I felt I lectured her way too many times today, but I wanted her to really understand what the stakes were for her continued disrespect.

I explained to her that I had already bought her biggest Christmas gift.  But the next incident of disrespect at home, at school, or anywhere else would take Christmas away.  In our home, we technically give four gifts:  Me, Santa, and the two dogs.  Then there are gifts from family members and friends.  I told her I would one by one start telling people that she could not accept gifts this year.  From the biggest to the smallest.

I did explain to her that I really wanted her to have a great Christmas, and that's why I had already began shopping for her.  But....it's way more important that I have a respectful child. 

She doesn't know why she is being this way.  She suggested it is because people tell her "no."

Tonight she brought me a scrapbook she is making for me.  It is super thoughtful.  She said she was making it for Christmas.  I told her keep making it, I'd love it!!!

So, we start another week.  Let's hope my little girl finds her inner respectful self!

No Fun!

It amazes me how much my plans can change from the time I leave work to when I pick up Dee.  Yesterday, I wondered if we should eat fast food and go to a movie.  Or maybe we should walk the dogs to a nearby fast food place, and have a game or movie night.  By the time I picked up Dee, I could only concentrate on getting away from my own child.

Today, we had a silent day.  I let Dee hear me tell my mom that I was not going to communicate with a person who speaks with such hate and disrespect in her voice.  I do mean that.  She answers back with such hatred or such evilness it's unreal.  Today when she would try to joke with me or have some of our normal banter, I'd decidedly stare at her.  Then, I'd walk away.

We had to grocery shop.  She did not ask for a single thing.  She knew better.  I told her to take her bath.  She ran the bath water.  And 45 minutes later, she was still not in it.  I had to tell her to take the bath.  Then she was purposely splashing water.  I walked in with my deadpan voice, "What are you doing?"  Then I just said, "Wash up."  It's a horrible way to live.  Talking at your kid instead of with your kid.

I will lessen up just a little tomorrow.  I want her to know this is not going to work for me.

One thing she does that puzzles me though is the picking the one thing that may not be 100% accurate to concentrate on.  I may say, "I told you that you to sit down and do your homework."  She will say, "You didn't say sit down."  And then she will repeat it over and over.  Is she smart, and just playing me?  Or she really mentally delayed and can't even hear the whole sentence?  I really don't know.  I usually end up screaming, "Forget I said sit down.  Are you doing your homework?"  It happens all of the time!

This weekend I could have used some respite so I could re-like my kid when she came home.  I didn't answer my phone all day.  I can tell friends are getting concerned.  I just napped all day long.

OK...off to bed.  I'm actually anxious to get back to work!

Tired and Frustrated

My little doggie girls need a bath badly, and today they are my priority.  My little two-legged is driving me nuts!!!  She has been disrespectful at her after care place consistently.  They really try to make it work and not kick her out.  I know they are beginning to not be happy she is there.  I know I would be.  Last week or the week before, she told Miss Danielle she was not the boss of her.  Then out and out refused to take her five-minute time out for Mr. Jake.  Yesterday she told Miss Danielle she was lazy and was mean all day to her. 

Bless her heart, Miss Danielle took her around with her so she could see what  she does.  Then later in the day, she was out and out defiant.  Miss Danielle made a chart of five things for her to review with her everyday.  Things like:  I will not take my anger out on others.  I love that they try, but it's backfiring.  Dee likes the attention she is getting.  I think I'm going to tell them to set her apart and let her do nothing instead.

When I got her home, she was defiant and disrespectful.  She then went for an all out tantrum.  She threw the dog bowls, broke a framed picture in the kitchen, threw her silverware and did the jump up and down like a two-year old.  I have to say, when she is doing this, I feel she is very delayed.  I told her to come and eat and it was dinnertime.  If she didn't eat now, then she could eat breakfast.  She stood at her plate at the table tantruming and yelling, she is hungry and she wants to eat.  Asking why I won't let her eat.  I was sitting at the table saying grace, then eating my food.

I am so tired of this behavior.

GUILTY as Charged

Wednesday night at 10:30
I'm a little too tired to cover all that has happened in the past few days.  But I did want to cover some of it.  Dee binged on Halloween candy, as I anticipated.  But she turned downright mean.  I had mentioned to her that she got to keep her candy because of her improvement.  Well, I was wrong.  I was not pleased with her in the least yesterday or today.  She was belligerent, and defiant over everything.  It started because she realized I found something she had snuck to school.  It wasn't in her book bag or lunch bag.  She got up when I was walking out the door, but she had time to sneak something in her leggings or underwear.

Today I told her that I would be thoroughly checking, and she asked if that meant opening her pants.  So, of course, I said, "Yes."  And I thought, "Thanks for the hint."  That knowledge was followed by another tantrum.  She was definitely trying to go to a full-blown rage.  When it was over, it was over.  She was happy.

Thursday at lunchtime
I told you I was tired.  I had to got o sleep last night.

Well, I've been doing a body search for the past two days.  I think it is horrible to have to do.  It seems the more I do, the more creative she becomes.  We both hate this.

We had a birthday party for a friend last night, OK more like a birthday gathering.  The birthday girl was 48, the other three of us were in our early 50's and the birthday girl's mom was in her late 70s or early 80s.  Dee had invited everyone.  So when it was game time, she gave us a choice of:  Freeze Tag or Musical Chairs!

Back to the title of my post.  I explained to Dee about guilt.  How it feels.  How she reacts when she is guilty.  How unfair it is that she tries to make me pay for her guilty feeling.  Later that day when we were running around the for the party stuff, Dee was in the car reading the Bible.  I asked her why because I could tell it was a show thing.  She said she decided to read the Bible every time she felt guilty.

Later, at the party, she did something.  And someone said something about her feeling guilty.  She screamed..."Oh please no!  I don't have time to read the Bible!"  She is such a nut!!!!

E-Mail from Dee at School

Here's a nice note in the middle of the day:

hi mom




I doing great so far on my mod.

I can't wait to go treak or treat with you and chole/bat wonmen and roxy/supper women and mom/super mom to the rescuo. oh i for got what time are you picking me up? and i'm doing good in mrs G's class. for a fact i im in mMrs. G's class right now. and i was woundering if Serena and her mom could come over terak or trit with us? if not thats ok. i am also sort of controling my hormes.not so good thoghe:( i am sort of said because i'm at school learning stuff that i'd dot want to learn. miss you. see you.



Love You! LOVE:DEE

Sunday

All along, Dee said that she wanted to dress up in her cheerleader outfit for Halloween.  I was so in agreement...it's already paid for!!!  But as the day approached, she wanted to "dress up."  So today, we went shopping for spa day stuff.  We saw this on-line:

What we came up was a little different.  Dee has been wanting a new robe.  So, she loved shopping for that.  Instead of slippers, she bought these weird boots.  And she got fake eyelashes, fingernails.  She is happy!  I don't know if she will be dressed for the holiday or not, but if she is happy then I'm happy!

We spent an hour trying to write a song that tells the digestive system's story.  She enjoyed it, but did not stay focused.

It was an OK weekend.  Tomorrow, she starts her five-day consequence of no TV.  Halloween should help with that.

Parent/Teacher Conference

I wrote that long letter to Dee's teacher, so I wasn't sure what it would mean when we met, since I didn't hear anything from her.  She seemed to appreciate the letter.  She understands she has not pegged Dee well.  I don't think she is enjoying her class this year.  But she was very receptive to suggestions and she had some of her own.  We agreed on what we expected from Dee as a grade.  Based on her level, we decided the 2's would be appropriate.  Three is what you get when you have a good grasp of the topic, and 4 is when you can take it one step beyond what was taught.

She told me Dee has been having trouble on the playground getting involved in "girl drama."  She said she will put a timer on her desk.  She showed me how to look up the curriculum on-line.  Although homework is not given in our school district, if a child needs it it is given.  I requested it.

Dee's special ed teacher said good things, and more importantly, showed me good improvement.  We were pleased.  Both teachers talked of how respectful and thoughtful she was.

I was so pleased as I went upstairs to get her.  Of course, once there, I was met with two workers and a two think sheets.  Dee was out and out defiant and disrepectful -- multiple times!  They had forgotten to give her her meds, and she must have just been in the mood.  I told her missing meds will never be an excuse for disrespectful behavior.  It's just a little amount to help her not to start coming off when it's time to come home.  Because she was always crying before she started taking it.

Hmmmm...one step forward one step backwards.

Miss Grace

I had former neighbors Grace & John who were older and became ill.  Grace was in her early to mid-90s and John was in just approaching 90.  They could no longer live in their town home.  They moved to an Assisted Living home.  When I went to tell them good-bye, they said, "We probably won't ever see you again.  It always happens that way."  The dogs and I would visit them daily on our daily walks, and they were afraid that would end because of convenience.  Of course, they had no reason to worry.

At one point they ended up in the same nursing home together.  John became sick and was hospitalized.  Then Grace was sick.  When Dee first came home, they were both in the hospital.  I would visit John, and go to the other end of the hall and visit Grace.  John didn't leave that stay.

We didn't want Grace to feel lonely.  At this point, we were visiting them pretty much everyday.  Dee was was the center of attention at the nursing home.  We loved and hated it!

A few months ago, we stopped going because Grace's family members seem to resent it.  The same night I dreamt of Grace, Dee started begging to see her.  This week, we had a call she had taken a turn for the worse.  So, I went back to say good-bye for us both on Tuesday.  Yesterday (one day later), she passed on.  Thank God!  She wasn't happy without her husband or living in a nursing home.  She could no longer go to McDonalds with us or ride out to the lake she liked to visit.  She hadn't had her hair and nails done for a long time.  It's nice to know she is at peace.  I'm glad I got to give her a kiss and tell her how much we love her.

We sure will miss our Miss Grace!

Third Day of Tears

Everyday this week that I've left Dee at daycare, she has cried.  Today she actually produced tears.  I see it when I say good-bye.  Her little face distorts and her lip trembles.  I stayed a little longer today, and told her she had to get it together because I had to go to work.  I think tomorrow, I'll just leave her crying.  It cracks me up!  It's some sort of separation anxiety phase or she just doesn't want to go to school!

Think Sheet

When I picked Dee up from her after school program, she told me she had a "Think Sheet."  We have been told not to consequence think sheets, but I usually do.  Before Dee told me, her little friend was talking to the director with red eyes.  I was worried what Dee did to her.  (This summer, she bit this girl in the upper thigh, so I didn't think her mom would tolerate anything else.)

No, that child had her own issue.  Dee talked back to one of the leaders.  She was talked to and not given a sheet.  Then after all that grace...she was told to play with more kids, and move on to another part of the playground.  She told the teacher, "You're not the boss of me."  Thus, the Think Sheet.

I was livid.  I found that now I'm owning her behavior.  I told her I didn't raise her to be disrespectful, and I was not going to have that.  She said no one ever told her that other people could tell her who to play with or not.  I told her I do it, teachers do it and that's not an excuse.

I made her write an apology.  She use to that.  But I put an outline on the board for her to follow.  She did a good job.

Hormones

My little girl is having problems with her hormones.  She is an emotional wreck!  We have talked about the fact that just because you feel like crying doesn't mean you have to cry.  When she isn't crying, she is using the nasty attitude.  She is getting so skilled, she can use it verbally or silently.

On Friday, they had their Halloween party at school.  She told me she was emotional.  A mom called to tell me that Dee was crying because someone busted her balloon.  Dee and the other mom both thought it was cry-worthy at the time.  By the time Dee told me, she realized it was nothing.  The next day she wanted to go swimming with a new friend.  The friend's family had other plans.  Her old friend who never invites her over, and always wants to come to our house, invited herself again.  Dee begged, but I said no.  So Dee was disappointed. 

As we drove, she wrote me a note asking if we could go to the movies. I said yes because how many times can you say no?  We go to the movies, get expensive treats, and suddenly - Attitude City.  I was not pleased!  I told her she was not going to ruin it for me, and I moved one seat away.

This morning, I left her at school.  She said "Yesterday when you left, I was sad."  I asked her why, and she said because she didn't want to go to school.  Then she just started to bawl!  I'm sorry, I couldn't help it...I was laughing behind her back.

Puberty is not being kind to her.  I do not look forward to the teen years!

Letter to Teacher

Dee's parent teacher conference is this coming week.  Her grade card came home.  And...I watch her not study for one of very rare test.  Because of that, I wrote a letter to her teacher to prepare her for the 20 minutes I get with her.  I have also talked to her briefly about these issues in passing.  I'm still tweaking it:

Mrs. Cleaveland,



Thank you for the work you do with all of the kids. I know being a teacher is a rather thankless job. I want you to know that I appreciate all you do. I say that because I think what follows may seem like I don’t get the difficulty in teaching 20+ children with different needs at once. I do. I wish that my child was able to learn the way the curriculum thinks she will, but that’s just not the case. It makes school for both her and you more difficult.


Dee not only has pretty severe ADHD , she also has dyslexia. It means that her efforts do not produce the same results as someone else’s. I always think she is extremely smart for all the work she has to do just to read a paragraph. Her IQ test says she has slow processing abilities. She may. I’m not sure if it’s her dyslexia which slows her down, or just processing. I think her dyslexia may come through in more than just reading, but also in sounds. It does take her time to get things figured out in her brain. She really is brighter than her academics will probably ever show. By the time she has processed what she has learned, you are already off to the next topic, and possibly the next school year.


Dee also is an associative thinker. Until she is able to associate what she hears, it doesn’t completely make sense. She files it until it does. When you talked about scabs, it made sense immediately. She remembered the scab she found once while bathing, and put that incident from her mental file together with what you taught. Unfortunately, it does not often work that way for her. So, I although her grades may not show it, I know she is learning.


But…she can check out if she is completely lost. That happened with Regions and Body Systems. If you are applying things you learned in Reading or Math or Writing in your Science and Social Studies class, she is already lost. She assumes that what you are now saying does not apply to her. She checks out. Sometimes in small groups, she relies on her classmates to explain things she doesn’t understand. Usually that gets her in trouble for talking. I think Dee does not understand what applies to her in your class and what does not.


Dee has trouble with multiple steps. I’m not sure if that ADHD or what. But if you give the big picture…she can only remember two steps at most. Cut out the picture and paste it. If you want more, then you have lost her. She also needs time limits. “Dee, you need to cut out the picture in 30 seconds and get it pasted on the paper. Then ask me or a particular student what to do next.”


I know a lot of what I’m saying is not fair. If I had 24 kids in my class, I would not want to be reading this letter. But I just have one kid. She did not have a fair life. She is making up for infancy and early childhood. She is mentally, developmentally, and socially six years old. But she is in 5th grade, and she is physically 10 years old. I wish she could learn the way the rest of your class does, but she can’t. That’s why she requires an Individual Education Plan. I do think she can continue to be mainstreamed for the things she is mainstreamed for, but it does require some special attention from you.


This weekend, we are working on Regions. (Late, but necessary.) I found that I made the mistake of watching and waiting. I could tell you were trying to get the kids to be more independent this year, and I thought maybe it would work for Dee. But I think she just continues to feel she is not as smart as the others. I will need to work with her more at home. I’m a lot like her in that I found most of things in your e-mails do not pertain to her, so I tend to gloss over them. But I will be doing a simultaneous curriculum study at home for whatever you are doing in Science and Social Studies, and hope that will help her to keep up better.


In summary, here are suggestions for things we can try:


1. Assume she is off-task, and check in with her to get her back.


2. Make sure she assimilates smoothly to your class OK from Mrs. Gilsdorf’s class.


3. She responds to sound and touch. Tap her desk. Touch her paper, when you walk by. Pull her back from wherever her mind has taken her.


4. Do you think it will help if we put a timer or a clock on her desk to tell her how much time she has.


5. Would you help her to pick appropriate books in Library? She is at a reading level of 3.6, and for the past two weeks, she has brought home “Harry Potter,” which is marked at 7+ level. We are actually reading below level at night, so I need to push her also.


6. One of us needs to be the “good cop,” and it’s not me!  So I’m glad you are able to keep encouraging her.


Again, I hope this helps. I know you have other children to consider and only so much time. But anything you can do to help her would be appreciated. Thanks! I’m sending this by e-mail and putting a copy back in her grade card envelope. Please let me know if you see things I need to do.

Sneaking...

In order to help Dee to not sneak, I bought her a see-through book bag and a see-through lunch bag. Yet...I check the bags before school and after school each day. It's my hope that she resist the urge to sneak or steal if she knows I'm checking. Then after a while, it would hopefully become a habit to stop and think about taking something or sneaking something.


Of course, I thought we were making progress. But the after-school check, I found a card that folds into a poster she got for her 9th birthday. I asked her how that got to school. She told me she took it. We went a couple of rounds, when she said she hid it in her boots that she was wearing. Arrggg.

I told her if I need to frisk her I would. I was so disappointed.

OK...I know at this point my tolerance was low, and then Dee had her 5th grade musical today. And that girl has the attention of a gnat! She was talking and pointing and joking during the show. Every so often she would sing.

Her teacher told me today that she found that she can quietly sit down for hours and do nothing. I told her I didn't think she understood the depth of her learning disabilities. She agreed. I think she is willing to help her though.

I asked her for a consequence for sneaking. She said TV, which is what I also was thinking. It's a one-day consequence, but TV on a Friday is a big deal!

Sarcasm

Dee loves to use sarcasm.  Using sarcasm is usually not nice, but it does take skills.  There are nuances in tone and inflection that take timing and good adjusment.  Dee does not always do well with these.  Yesterday, I told her:  "Brush your teeth, wash your face, and if you have an extra five minutes, maybe you can make me a sandwich for lunch.  I'd like ham and cheese."  She said, "Why do I have to make your lunch?  You have two hands."  Let's just say that did not go over well.  Later that evening, she asked me to make her some strawberry milk.  I said, "OK cause I love you."  Of course, if I were you, I'd say, "Why should I make you milk...you have two hands or two legs."

Please God, Help Me on My Test

For a week, Dee's teacher has been sending a note in her daily e-mail that the children would bring their notes home to prepare for their test on US Regions.  I waited and waited for Dee to bring home her note.  Nothing.  Finally, on Friday, I said, "Dee, your teacher said you would bring notes home to study for your test.  I'm not going to write to her.  It's not her responsibility.  It's your responsibility.  Bring the notes home."  Of course, nothing.  She said when she got in the car, "I asked the teacher.  She said you should know.  So, I don't have it."  I told her that was too bad since it was her responsibility to make sure it came home.

There was no school today.  So the test is tomorrow.  In her night-time prayer, Dee asked God to help her on her test.  I  had to let her know that God does not help you when you don't do your part.  I let her know I had did some research on Regions, but I chose to follow her lead.  She didn't seem concern, so we'll see how it goes.  She is angry!  She is doing her crazy talk!  Not happy at all.  She has never cared about failing a test before.  She cares now because this year, a bad grade comes with consequences.  She has learning disabilities so I don't consequence her on bad grades.  But failure to try...oh yeah....consequences.  So she cares.  Maybe 5th grade and subsequent years will pick up for her after this.

If she has learned anything, I hope God does help her.  I hope her teacher is watching her for cheating, because she will try.  The grades are 0 - 4.  A 3 is acceptable.  She will be fine if she gets 2.0 or 2.5.  (That's her norm.)  But I foresee her getting a 0.5 - 1.5.  Oh well!

Boo!

In our neighborhood, Halloween is a very social holiday.  It kicks off with "Boo-ing."  The new tradition of leaving treats for a neighbor, May Day style, and watching signs appear through the neighborhood of people who have been boo-ed.

We were boo-ed a couple of days ago.  Dee was thrilled!  She remembered the tradition from last year.  She couldn't wait for us to put our boo treats together.  We didn't bake.  We put some cookies, mini cupcakes and a few pieces of candy on the plates.  I chose the first house.  She chose the next two.  I stood behind the tree, car, or dumpster while Dee ran and placed the treats.  She was so excited.

It's sort of fun to see things coming around from the time when she was a little more regulated.  She feels very much at home.  Seeing things for the second time makes her say things like "We always..."  She also remembers exactly what we did last year and who we boo-ed.

Funny girl!

A No Plan Saturday

This was almost a perfect Saturday. I lost my Fitbit I won. It is valued at $100, so I can't replace it. But otherwise, the day was a lot of fun.

Dee and I had a contest to see who could clean their room the fastest and best. After two hours, we had to give ourselves an extension because we are both slobs and slow. We worked pretty hard. Stopped for a pizza break and trashed talked each other. At 3:00, I called times up. Dee started crying. She was behind. I let her get her minutes for her phone, but she had to finish. We enjoyed each other.

I found my missing watch in my clothes hamper. I was so happy that I started to cry. It touched Dee that I cared about the watch she gave me, and she started crying too!

Tonight when she looked at me, she looked so pretty. She is always so pretty when she is happy.

Chloe went and laid with Dee for five whole minutes. They are also bonding.

It was a good day!

Good-bye Zyprexa

When Dee came home, her foster mom sent a box of Zyprexa and some specific instructions.  She also cautioned that Dee would rage and tantrum just to get Zyprexa.  It immediately calms and knocks you out.  I never let her know I had it.  Today, I was cutting each individual one open and flushing it down the toilet because I couldn't come up with any other way to get rid of it.  I called her in to see.  I told her that I never used it because it was dangerous and I knew she'd try to get it.  She agreed with that.  She was stunned that I had it and she didn't know.  She started to tell me the story of when she went to camp and got it, but I told her I had heard her foster mom's version of that story, so she stopped.

She actually overheard her foster mom telling the camp nurse to use it in case of emergency.  Dee managed to get the camp nurse to give her one each night.  When she came home (foster home), she started raging and breaking things just to get it.

I took the time to re-explain that taking meds you don't need is the first step to drug addiction.  I told her she needed to practice now if she wanted to be able to say no to drugs as a teen.

The Consequences of Consequences

After the meltdown on Monday, I went to Dee's room on Tuesday night and asked her if she wanted to talk about consequences.  She said she was just thinking about asking about them.  I asked her if she wanted me to start with the hardest or easiest.  She chose harder.  First, I made her list all of the things she did wrong.  She mentioned throwing, yelling, saying bad words, pinching, attitude.  So here are her consequences:

1.  No cell phone until Friday after school.
2.  No TV all week.  On the weekends, she could have 1 hour on each Saturday and Sunday.
3.  No DVD - same rules as TV.
4.  No Nintendo DS.

She asked if that was all, and said she was wanting more.  She was trying to be control, but I complied :

1.  Must walk the dogs alone once a day to make up for scaring them.
2.  Clean out the fridge.

Since then, she has been fun and happy.  She made dinner for me last night.  It's something to do when you don't have electronics!

Tonight, we played a game on the computer together.

Long time, No see

It's been a long time since Mr. Meltdown and Ms. Tantrum stopped by, but they must have missed us because they came barging in yesterday.  I was not happy to see them.

Dee's class had earned a pajama day at school.  She was excited.  She had set out some PJ's that I thought looked dirty and a Christmas robe.  I moved them since she wouldn't wake up to talk to me.  I left a substitute.  When she finally woke up I was in the shower.  She found her original stuff and got dressed.  She was in a mood.  I think she thought, "I'll go as slow as I want and dress how I want.  What's she gonna do...take me to school in my PJ's?"  (That's my normal morning threat.  "Let's go.  Get dressed.  OK...then get dressed at school." )Without it, she decided she could be as slow and as rude as she wanted.  And she was.

We made it to school, but we had to find a fountain so she could take her meds.  She continued being rude and snotty.  I refused to leave her at school like that.  Without another word, I walked past her before-school daycare straight to the car.  She went nuts...no NUTS!!!   We were going home but she was screaming about the police.  She threw things in the car, broke things and screamed and beat the window.  Finally, I dug in my pocket and got her little $20 cell phone.  I rolled down the window and dangled it outside, and said, "One more sound.  One more thing thrown.  Your phone will live on I-29."  Silence.  Real silence.  Of course, as soon as I parked the car she started again.  I walked to the neighborhood trash bin.

She went even more NUTS!  Eventually, I made her sit down to start doing school work at home.  She tried her antagonistic approach.  "Why did you even get a kid if you don't love them?"  "I hate you."  "You are dumb and stupid."  Then....she starting repeating every word I said.  So finally I put the cell phone on the table and said, "I know you love this thing.  I wanted to give you another chance.  But a thing doesn't mean anything to me.  A nice, obedient and Christian acting girl does."  I got up and got a hammer.  The next time she said, "I HATE YOU.'  Down came the hammer with all my might.  I missed!  It was right there and I missed.  I think God knew I needed the leverage that phone gives me.

Eventually I told her she could go to school if she changed into jeans and a t-shirt in five minutes.  She actually said thank you.  She did not want to stay with me.  And when she came down.  She was smiling.  There was a twinkle in her eye.  And she was joking.  It scared me.  I was still quite furious.  Who can do that?  I decided she really needed to blow up to go on.  It was getting to be too much for her to handle everything.  She needed a good ole fashioned tantrum.  Now...I have to find a way to get her that same feeling without blowing up.

When we came home, the dogs were afraid of her.  They remember all too well.  I feel bad for her, but I don't have the patience for it any more either.  [Sigh]

A couple of funny things from this episode:
When we got home, she said, "I thought you were taking me to the police.  I told her no that would be too easy."

When she wouldn't cooperate, I told her it was OK with me if we worked straight through her tumbling class which ends at 8:45.  She said, "You should send me to tumbling for punishment, I don't like it that much anyway."  Right!

When she was back to herself, she wondered out loud what had happened the day before to precipitate it.  I told her it wasn't the day before, it was her wanting to be the mom, to be the boss.  I told her that I was the boss of her.  And until she is grown and married and living with her husband and paying the bills, I would be the boss.  She asked what if she stays single.  I said then you can't live in my house or use my money and you can be the boss.  She said, "I'm going to get a house next door to you."

I reminded her that she was not the only crazy person the house.  She told me that there was a crazy person in the house and it was not her!

Catching Up on the Week

It's been a rather easy week.  Our therapist had to cancel because she had a sick child.  I was so glad.  It meant I didn't have to drive an extra 65 miles this week.  I was pleased.  Dee was not as pleased.  She was upset when I picked her up even though I sent her teacher an e-mail to give her a message.  She thought it meant that we wouldn't have our McDonalds.  We stopped at McDonalds and she perked up.

The next day, I offered to take her to the movies, but she only wanted to hang out at home.  Saturday, she did the same thing.  Unfortunately, I forced her outside on Saturday, and then out on Sunday to the movies and to play. 

I do like that I can talk to her.  She is always self-psychoanalyzing.  She wondered if she was making some poor choices because she has her cell phone.  I think she is always looking for an excuse.  I told her that it was too bad because I wanted her to have good, and I had to teach her how to have good things like TV, and phones without her becoming obsessed with them. 

Yesterday we didn't give her her afternoon pill until 2 hours late, and then she woke up at 3 or 4 am and was cleaning her room.  I let her, and she did fine today.  Today, we skipped the pill on purpose so that she could actually rest.

We went to dessert at a neighbor's house.  I don't like to do that kind of stuff, but it's so Dee.  We both had a great time.  We are actually both extroverts once around other people.

We saw the movie, Dolphin Tail, and she loved it.  She was so excited and experiencing the right emotions, it was nice.

Let's hope for another nice week.  We have therapy this week, and then we are off for a couple of weeks.  Our therapist has offered to travel closer to us once my company moves.  That will be helpful!

She is struggling with where she fits with her birth mom and me.  She will struggle with this concept her entire life I think.

Observation Week

The dance/gymnastics school Dee attends had parent observation this week.  Watching her in her tumbling class was super painful.  She didn't try anything!  She pretended to try.  She would just make a big production and do nothing!  The other girls would cheer her, and she'd respond playfully, and then nothing.  It went on like that for 45 minutes.  I even saw her pretend to not be able to do the warmup exercise.  I truly wanted to leave.  But I stayed and pretended it was OK.  After the class I told the teacher she didn't even try.  The teacher said she likes to use positive reinforcement, but she wasn't able to find Dee doing anything right yesterday to do that.  She even added "Do the thing you are best at."  to the end of class.  Dee did nothing.  Next week, she said she and Dee were going to pick just one thing for her to work on.

Tonight was dance.  You can imagine how unexcited I was to watch her in THREE dance classes after last night.  But a pleasant surprise.  She did well in each one.  I think she did best at ballet, but she likes hip hop best.  I was just glad she was learning something somewhere in the building!

I came home to a bunch of urine in the hallway.  It makes me worry about Roxy.  I'm not sure who did it, but it is more than either dog.  I think Rox will have to have surgery...probably next week.

RIP Indigo

Poor little Indigo, our last attempt to have a Betta fish, died yesterday.  I'm not quite sure why Indigo died.  I passed him on to Dee when I couldn't take the loss of Peaches...my little sick Betta.  Dee didn't take care of him like I would have, but he seemed pretty happy.  Until recently....  I asked Dee a couple of days ago when Indigo last ate, and she said, "It's been a while."  I told her to feed him.  Last night when Indigo was "swimming" vertically, I asked again.  Then I pronounced him dead.  She assured me he was not dead.  But after trying to get his attention, she said something like "Oh well."

I told her to flush him.  She asked me to.  I made her.  When she came back to the room, I asked her if she knew why I made her do it, and she said, "Cause it seemed like I didn't care."  I confirmed that was the reason and gave a speech about being responsible for a living thing and caring about it.

Cheering

So today was the big cheer day!  We managed to leave with a little rushing.  I left my cell phone -- that is not a good thing.  But we stopped at a park and took pictures, bought some hair spray and got gas.  The traffic to the stadium was unbelievable.  We got there on time for the cheer check-in, but after kick-off.

Dee was acting up a little when I dropped her off.  She didn't want to take a picture.  It was just a control thing.  I walked away without saying good-bye.

The performance was nice.  She did really well!  She thought she was cute and felt the crowd was there to see her.  Had a bit of trouble taming her ego.  We stopped on the way home and did a few photos by one of the fountains.  She wanted to go to the movies.  I thought it was a good idea, to let it be all fun today.

But as we got nearer to home, she decided she just wanted to just stay home and be lazy.  She did have a bit of an attitude, so that was not acceptable.

I think this cheerleader thing was very positive.  The young ladies are good positive role models.  Most have very professional careers:  teachers, programmers, etc.  Dee gained some confidence.  Overall, it was good.  If she wants to do it next year, I will let her.

Sick Little Girl

For the first time since Dee came home, I had to pick her up early from school.  She was sick.  A bout of diarrhea.  Dee has a tendency to be hyperchondriac.  Her stomach started to bother her just as I dropped her off.  I gave her some Pepto and told her to go to the bathroom.  They called me before I made it to work, then when school started, and finally at 10:00.  She didn't feel well.  She slept.  Our rule is you have to just lay in your bed, maybe reading until the time we would have come home if you are sick.  If you are sick, that is no problem.  She started complaining about 3:00, so she was feeling better.  I made her stay in the bed.  It's the only way I don't have a problem with faking illness.

Yesterday, she woke up and ate pancakes, with my permission.  Then she felt she throw in some pizza rolls.  While at the vet, she had another instance of diarrhea.  I made her starve with only crackers and 7-up.  She had her dress rehearsal for the NFL game she is performing at.  She was fine.

She ate a regular dinner after her rehearsal, and has done well.

Dee refused to practice her cheer routine for the big NFL game.  She said she knew it!  I must admit, she did pretty good for a girl who hasn't practiced.  Today is the game.  It will be fun and exciting for her to perform for tens of thousands of people.

We ran some blood and urine test on Roxy to see if anything other than allergies is wrong with her.  She is starting a round of prednisone for the allergies.  Hopefully, she is feeling better soon!

Therapy Confession

I told Dee that I didn't want to go to therapy because I knew the therapist would not be pleased about the cell phone.  She gave me good advice in saying to keep the boundaries tight, and when they are mastered, then slowly open them.  Dee couldn't wait to see me get in trouble.

So when we walked in, she asked if I needed to speak with her first.  I told her that we all three needed to meet first.  I said, "I have a confession, but Dee is going to speak it."  Dee pulled out her cell phone.  We talked about how we came to the decision.  The therapist could tell Dee was eager for my consequence, so I couldn't have any candy from the candy bowl today.

In the end, I think she was impressed with the total joy she saw in Dee.  She thinks iletting her get the cell phone may actually have been a good move.  Dee told her last night she asked me to tell her something to dream about, and I said, "Dream about that phone you love and I'm going to regret."  We both cracked up!  It was one of the most positive sessions we had.  The phone is down to six minutes tonight.

Dee did get a "think sheet" today for not obeying at after school club.  She wrote me a letter to read BEFORE I read the think sheet.  It explained she knew she was wrong but she was having an off day.  I let her slide with a warning.  I told her I was being gracious because she didn't deserve another chance.

We are trying something we haven't been able to use...positive reinforcement.  She is regulated enough to actually hear the positive.

Last night at dinner, she said she loved KFC.  I told her we don't have it because she told me she didn't like it.  She asked, "Did I tell you that when I was 8?"  When I said yes, she asked me if  I hadn't realized yet that when she was 8 pretty much everything she said was a lie.

I'm really enjoying her this week.

Rock-a-Roo

Roxy's allergies are driving her nuts.  Her fur looks horrible.  She is not happy.  We are going to the vet on Saturday.  I didn't want to spend the $300 - $400, but it's my baby.  It's time!

Cell Phone

Dee had $24.  That's a lot when you are 10 years old.  She was looking through the Sunday newspapers.  Did you know you can get a smart phone for free!!!  After learning about contracts, she found a prepaid phone that fit her budget.  She asked if she could have it.  In a moment of weakness, I guess, I agreed.

It was a moment of weakness because we discussed that she could have a phone when she went to 7th grade.  I felt if she didn't get to spend her money on things really important to her, it would be not so fun to have money.  I told her to think it over.  Consider that if she used it inappropriately that I would throw the phone and her $24 away.

She thought about it and we went phone shopping!  Dee got a $19.95 Tracfone.  The girl assured us that she blocked the web.  She asked how many minutes I wanted to buy.  I call Dee over.  She said none.  The girl said without minutes, you'll just have a phone to play with but no communication.  Dee told her that's what she wanted.  I brought a happy girl home. After research, I found that the web was not blocked.

So today, we did the whole trip over.  Returned the phone, and bought a different one at a different store.  Despite the fact I have tons of education under my belt...I managed to miss that phone too also has internet.  I'm so angry with myself.  I do not think Dee will be able to do anything on the web since she doesn't have a data plan.  Any effort will burn her minutes before she can connect.  But I'm so frustrated with myself.  Dee is overjoyed!  She began to have buyer's remorse and is even happier with phone #2.

I do see a different little girl right now.  She prayed in her nightly prayer for God to not even let her want to try to be sneaky.  (It was good to see what her heart wanted.)    And she prayed that she could prove me wrong.  I pray the same thing.

The Concert and a Banned Video

Dee and I were given tickets to the Taylor Swift concert.  The seats were great!  The parking was $27!!  Of  course, the seats were worth $180!  We had a ball!  Since Taylor is sponsored by Cover Girl, there was make-up give-a-ways and makeovers before the concert.  Just up Dee's alley!

I knew she would be so excited by all the vendors.  She would NEED a t-shirt, NEED a light, and NEED some food.  So, on the way there, I gave her $20.  That's your money, I said, use it on anything you may want.  She bought one $4 cotton candy.  Things always look different when the money is coming out of your pocket.  Who knows how much I saved?  A little t-shirt alone was $25.  But Dee doesn't know that...she never glanced that way.

We enjoyed the concert which ended at 11:00 p.m., so we had trouble getting to church for the 8:00 service, which I like to attend.  We made it to the 9:30 service, and Sunday School at 11:00.  Not without some arguing because Dee was very against waking up this morning!

Tonight I was watching a DVD we rented and Dee never seemed to want to watch with me.  A breaker tripped, and when I tried to re-start the DVD, I somehow started the VHS.  In the VHS player was a video I never saw.  I opened it up, and Dee was standing there.  It was "Dirty Dancing."  Someone threw a bunch of VHS tapes away, and Dee asked if we could take the Dirty Dancing one.  I said, "No."  She asked why and I told her it does not sound like a video we want to watch in our house.  So....she just snuck it.  She believed it should not be held against her since it did not happen today.

I told her she has lost trust in playing outside alone, (and she just got that back), and she lost trust in watching TV.  She is constantly reminded that trust is easily lost and difficult to gain.

She is trying to buy me off.  She started keeping a behavior chart on me a couple of days ago.  So, today she told me I have earned $2.10.

On a scale of 1 to 10...

In therapy today, I talked with Miss Michelle first.  She had received my note on how Dee did after last week.  So we chatted about that.  She gave me an American Girl book she got from a garage sale about body stuff.  And I told her how well Dee did this week.  When Dee went in, she asked her how her week went, she said "4" on a scale of "10."  So she came to the reception area, and asked me and I said a 9.5.  We learned that if she does anything wrong, then really knocks herself down.

Tonight she came in, and fixed the dogs food.  They loved the way she did it and she felt very proud!  She then made me a snack and brought me water.

Then she journaled my food from yesterday and my exercise.  And now she has a plan.

It was a fun and enlightening day.  I'm going to be shocked when this Dee wears off and the other one comes.  I'm feeling so hopeful!

Perspective

A month or two ago, I talked with a friend I just don't talk to enough.  She told me then her son, 13 years old, had attempted suicide.  I could see it.  He has always been a kid who needed to do well, and perform well.  He was born that way.  I remember when she worried that he could not do well with an unstructured kindergarten teacher.  His dad is a pastor and his mom is a social worker.  They immediately got him help.

Well, I don't know the details, but I do know that he caused a spinal cord injury in himself.  He is hanging on.  They are devastated.  If they get him through the physical trauma, what about all the emotion going on.  My heart aches for them.  I love this family so much!

Their son is the only person I ever sat in a hospital waiting to be born.  And it wasn't that long ago.  I've been praying all day for him, and for his family.  It puts in perspective all of our issues.  They are not easy -- especially when you are in them.  But I have my girl.  She has not harmed herself.  I don't have to worry about if she will walk again, and if she does will she want to live.

Today, I feel like I have the easy life.

Mean Words

Dee was still doing great today.  I got a note this morning that there was a substitute in her class.  I called the school and asked them to tell the sub not to let her out in the halls alone.  It's a "better safe than sorry" preventive.  She did fine in school. 

I actually left my cell phone at home, and I was sure she did not have it.  Our system of checking her bags and making sure she didn't have pockets really gave me a sense of calm.

When we got home, a little girl from down the street knocked on the door.  She asked if Dee could come out to play.  Before she was done talking, Dee yelled down the stairs, "No!"  I said, "She has gymnastics, and we are about to eat dinner."  Then I heard Dee say aloud, "I don't even know why she is here."  I kept talking to the little girl.  But I was angry and disappointed in Dee.

Why did she say that?  First, she was talking out loud, and probably didn't know she said it out loud.  Or maybe she did.  When she came down, I confronted her.   She didn't say anything.

I know she is mad because the little girl who came over, "A" was playing with the girl Dee is forbidden to play with yesterday.  So Dee is angry that didn't drop the friend.  She is very possessive of her friends.  But in trying to hold on to "A," she was mean and probably has lost another friend.

At night time, she wrote me a very sweet note:

From: Dee-a-roo

To:  Mom-a-roo

PS - You are everything I have to love.

You are a rock.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for being the best mom ever.  And thank you for being there  for me when I need help with my sadness or something like that.  I love you.

Peace

We are having a very peaceful weekend.  Dee is acting near normal.  She is not causing drama.  She understands that things are processing in her.  She is ready to stop the process.  She told me she heard a voice that told her she just needed to forgive her birth mom and not hold a grudge.  I told her that was ideal.  Anger and bitterness inside us makes us do mean things.  When we forgive, we can move on.  And...if we love someone and forgive them, our heart feels better.

She is much happier right now.  I am sure we will revisit all of this again in a month or two.  It's not over, but it is a big step.

She still owed me $6 from stealing my stuff.  She told her therapist she needed to pay me but she didn't want to give me all of her money.  So they agreed she'd give $4 of her $8.  She couldn't bring herself to do it.  But after spending a dollar, she just handed me $6, and said, "My debt is paid."  I agreed.  Now, she is working hard to earn some money.  That works for me.

I also told her today that her trust level is between 2 and 3 on a 10 scale.  She was thrilled that she is no longer at zero.  I reminded her how long it takes to build trust versus how quickly you can lose it.

But overall, our house is peaceful.  It's so nice!  Dee asked if we can have a foster child.  I said, not right now because I don't have any more time to give.  She takes more than her share.

An Interesting Car Ride

Today was my long commute day.  I drive 34 miles to work, then 34 miles back to get Dee for therapy, then 30 miles to therapy and then 30 miles home.  On the way home from therapy, we always talk a little about therapy.  Miss Michelle said that they talked about the heart puzzle again.  I told Dee that I didn't remember the heart puzzle, and asked what it was about.

She said it was a heart, but a piece is missing.  It's the piece she has to figure out between her birth mom and me.  She understood that it was something she needed to do.  She said she had not forgotten how it worked.  But a little later in the drive, she started with hard questions.

• Why did Birth Mom get to keep the two youngest kids?
• Why did Birth Mom replace her with another girl?
• Why did Birth Mom get her life together for them and not the first three?

She admitted that she hoped to find Birth Mom as mess up as before because it would hurt her to know she managed to get it together for the younger ones.  I asked her if she really wanted the two young ones to go through what she had gone through?  She said she didn't want that new girl not to know what a mess her mom was.  It would make her mad to hear her say that she had a great mom when she wasn't so great for her.

I commended her for saying "if" she chooses to find her birth mom when she is 18 or older.  I told her she can make that decision later.  I assured her tonight that she could love both of us.  She said something in her nightly prayer that made me feel she felt she had to choose.  She answered me with "I didn't know that."

She is really trying to figure it out.  It will be so cool if she could just get on with her life.  I was proud of her today!

Foster Child Syndrome

A while back, I diagnosed Dee with FCS (Foster Care Syndrome).  Although it's not in the medical books yet, it should be.  Many parents of children who were in foster care will recognize it.  It's a "disease" with symptoms of  thinkimg you should be pitied and treated special because you are/were in foster care.  The cure, I believe for FCS, is adoption.  I  have had a hard time convincing Dee that she is now cured. 

She is in special education classes part of the day at school.  She likes to use that to her advantage.  She claims she can't do things, she doesn't understand.  And mostly, she just doesn't try.  She knows how to make it look like she is trying, but she doesn't try.

Yesterday, I saw her in her tumbling class do the exact same thing.  She didn't try half of the things the other kids were doing.  Even things the six year olds were doing.  She just excused herself as not being able to do them.  I told her when parent observation day comes around in October, she had better be doing what the other kids are doing.  If I were her, I wouldn't wait until then to start trying.  No wonder she has no self-esteem!  She quits before she starts!

A Little Insight

Today Dee's former worker called.  He said even though he had talked to me before, he was forbidden to say anything about the case.  I understand.  I did get a little insight from him.  It's as bad or worse than I anticipated.  So, I'm glad we are not doing the interview right now.

I do think it helps me to understand all the craziness that must be going on inside her and coming out in her behaviors.

So we move on!!!

Good News, Tears & a Cold

Today when I was at lunch, I got a call from the State worker.  She left a message that she had good news.  They didn't need to interview Dee right now.  She said she'd call me back next week and give me more details.  (I think she checked to see what she could divulge.)  It's like watching a train wreck.  I want to know so I can stop speculating, but I also don't want to know.

Dee is not feeling 100%.  She is coming down with a cold.  I don't have time (work-wise) for a cold, so I have been very proactive.  I noticed last night when she went to bed, I rubbed her with Vicks VapoRub.  She smiled.  I could tell it made her feel taken-care-of.  It is always interesting to see what sparks that in her.

She is also very weepy.  Very, very weepy.  I told her it was hormones.  Great.  Just what we need.

The doggies are needing some attention.  I did play with them some today, but they would like to go to the park or something.  We need to build that in.  It can't be all Dee and no Chlo-Rox.  That would make an unhappy home!