Fostering

Yesterday, Dee and I picked up CoaCoa.  She is an 11-month old Shih-Poo doggie.  We are her foster family.  I just was missing having a foster dog in the house, and our rescue was desperate for a foster home.  But...I think it is going to be a great teaching moment.  In the 24 hours CoaCoa has been in our house, we have had a lot of time to talk about foster care.  It's easy to see even though Dee lived foster care, she lived it with assumptions and misreadings.

When they can't take it anymore, you are moved.  That's what Dee said happened in her first foster home.She had a tantrum, and they moved her.  I knew she felt she was the reason she was moved, but I thought it was because she had lied on the foster family...her normal m.o.  I mentioned that foster families usually stop fostering because of health, jobs, family or moving.  She said, "Oh yeah...I do remember they mentioned something about moving.  I forgot."  I told her it was probably coincidence that she had a tantrum the same day she was scheduled to move.

We are her foster family.  Our job is to make sure she is ready for her forever family.  That's what I tell her about the dog.  She is finding out you can love your foster, but you still have to let them go.  When this doggie is adopted, she will be sad.  But she will finally get -- I think -- that her foster mother didn't get rid of her because she didn't like her, but because she did her job.  She got her ready for her forever home.

These are big concepts that she has to re-think, but I'm excited that she is open and verbal.  Crossing my fingers that a scared little dog can teach a scared little girl a big lesson.

The Good Twin is Here

Today, we were home for spring break.  I made Dee get up at 9:00.  It's three hours later than normal.  She asked why we couldn't sleep late here like she did at her foster home.  I told her we had schedules to keep, but she did sleep late.

She started on the school work she had to do.  She finished cleaning her bedroom.  And was overall pleasant.

She then played outside, watched TV.

She got to be a bit snotty and whiny this afternoon, but for Dee it was a great day.  I'm going to say the good twin came, we'll call her "Glee."

Wrong Heart to Worship God

Yesterday was Sunday.  It was a big day for both Dee and me.  She had Bible Drill practice and pizza, and I had four free hours!  We were both excited.  However, ODD Dee woke up.  When I reminded her of the special day, she whined, "Do I have to go?"  I'm rolling my eyes.  It's all she has talked about for two weeks!  So then she lolly-gagged for Sunday school, and whined and just did not cooperate.  I took my child with hair uncombed to church.  I was mad.  (See bad attitude.)  I told her in the car that she was not invited to Sunday School.  I teach her class, and will not let her upset my class.

So for the second service, I had her sit with the teacher who teaches the first class.  If I didn't think it would have been a reward, I would have let her go to that class.  After Sunday School I let her stay for the pizza party.  I couldn't give her what she wanted that day, and I really wanted my free four hours.  During her sitting through service for the second time, she wrote a list of things she would do or not do:
Clean up every room in the house.  No TV, computer, electronics.  Walk the dogs.  Etc.

She seemed to have had a good time at the Bible drill party.  She learned a little.  Her attitude was better.
I had lunch with a friend.  Then I shopped for a shower gift.  Dropped in at the shower, (also at the church), and picked up Dee.  It went fast, but it was stress-free time.

Reset

We had therapy on Tuesday.  Our therapist is excellent at being our reset button.  We usually walk out with a plan to do something different.  It was a lot more subtle that day.  But it seems individually, we both made plans to change.

Dee said her therapist told her to write down when she wanted to be mean and let's see what the emotion is when she wants to pee.  She told her to put on green glasses with me, and try to see good.  She even sent me a text message  to see what color Dee used one day.

I went to a forum of adult adoptees and got some advice on how Dee might be feeling about her birth mother.  That has helped me approach it from another direction.

Drama Girls!

Today, when I went to pick up Dee from daycare, they had all six of the 4th grade girls sequestered in a room.  They were trying to sort out the 4th grade drama.  The 4th grade leader had given it her best shot and said she just ended up with six girls crying.  No one knew what the bottom line was but it came down to two girls...Dee and her friend C.

Parents began to come to pick up their kids, and they let them all go.  Not Dee and C.  45 minutes after I arrived, and 30 minutes after they closed, the director came out with them.  What a patient person.  He explained they needed to start to move past their problems.  They needed to learn to forgive each other.

He told us two parents that between their need to socialize and their horrific hormones, they are just exhausting.  He said he just wanted them to be successful.

Dee was happy when she left, and the two girls were talking.  That can change tomorrow.  The other girls were visibly upset when they left.  All of the parents just kept rolling their eyes.  But it's just another thing that will make parents tell their kids to stay away from Dee.

I'm grateful for her daycare.  If anyone can help with the social skills...I'm thinking they can.

My Baby Has a Date!

Yesterday, Dee called a friend's husband and said, "Uncle C., I have a question for you.  Will you be my date for the father/daughter dance?"  He said he'd be honored.  She hung up saying she would need a dress, shoes, make-up, mascara, lip stick, lots of lip stick.

I said, "You get nothing new.  And you're 9, you don't wear make-up...even for a special date."

I have wonderful friends.  They have made sure she has not missed anything being raised by a single mom.

No more pee!

I read in Dee's file originally that she sometimes had problems with enuresis.  For months, I never saw any sign of it.  Then one day, I was doing laundry, and I smelled the horrible smell of pee.  I let it slide.

Recently, the smell is a lot more consistent.  Dee lies.  Once she said one of the dogs had peed in her room.  I told her it wasn't doggie pee smell.  Then last night, she said not been able to get out of bed in time ...five minutes after spending 30 minutes in the bathroom.

I have managed to keep my calm -- well, sort of.  But I have to say, I DON'T GET IT!  I don't get how this nearly 5 foot girl who weighs almost 100 pounds just squats in her room and pees.  Less than 10 steps away in the bathroom. 

She doesn't want the problem shared.  But I will be telling her medical professionals because I'm not sure how long I can hold it together.  ARRRGGGG!!!!

Strike 1, Strke 2, Strike 3 -- You're Out...Wait, Strike 4 --You're really out!

Yesterday, I made Dee go with me to the grocery store. She was talking disrespectfully, and that surely means you are not mature enough to stay home alone. While there, she had some of money from her bank. Lots of coins! But I pointed out that she had to pay me for the donuts she ate without permission and that I had bought for Sunday School. STRIKE ONE MOM.

When we got home, she poured out all her change, and tried to count. I had to help. She had $5.16. She owed me $4.00. I took my $4.00. STRIKE TWO MOM.

Then she was showering and she said, "Who is the best mom in the world? I answered, "Me!" She then asked "Who is the second best mom in the world? I mean, birth mom." I said, birth mothers who do not get to keep their children because of things they did, do not qualify as "best moms in the world." STRIKE THREE MOM.

So at bedtime, she called from the bathroom and said she was sick. I touched her head (you need a fever in our house to be sick), and she was fine. I asked what hurt and she said her stomach. I told her to continue to use the bathroom because that was what going to make a tummy feel better. She asked for a blanket and pillow because it would be long. I told her if she went to sleep, she may as well go back to her room. Going to the bathroom requires work on your part so if you are asleep, then it won't work. (PROBABLY STRIKE FOUR)

About5 - 10 minutes later, Little Miss asked for clean underwear. She had sat in her bed and pee'd! I told her to wash the blanket and the panties. She asked if I were mad. I said, "No, but I don't understand. 10-year olds don't do this." She reminded me that she isn't 10. I said that was true, that 9 year olds don't do this either. It's something a two-year old does.

I need to stand strong on not getting angry about this urination thing. It really bugs her that I'm not mad. I need this to stop, so I have to stay strong. It is super frustrating!

One year at home!

Dee has been home for one year! It's pretty amazing. In some ways, it seems like it has gone fast. In other ways, it has been long just based on the number of things that have happened.

I remember rushing from work telling everyone my water broke. I had to get home to meet Dee and her foster family who were going to spend the night. Of course, Dee had been living with me half-weeks for a couple of months, but she was coming with no respite in between. We had a great time. Our neighborhood resembled a sitcom. People were running in and out of my house -- something that doesn't usually happen.

I'm glad her foster mother made the sacrifice to actually drive the 3 hours so Dee wouldn't feel pulled. She seems to hold it against the foster mom, but that was a big sacrifice she made for me.

Everyone who knows Dee agree that she has made HUGE improvements in a year. We don't have broken things flying in the house anymore. She feels "at home" and I could tell when that started to happen. She and I are finally spending time away from each other in small increments.

Since I'm nearly 50, I've had to adjust my view. I know I have a daughter, and I love her. But I forget all of the time that I don't fit in the single with no children category. You'd think having this child in the house would be my reminder...but no!

While going through the adoption process, I had to keep saying that I was the only who chose to adopt. But I don't know what I would do without my friends from adoption.com, church, my neighborhood and work! It takes so many people to keep me sane and to raise this child.

We are not celebrating this day today. We acknowledged it, and that's it. I can't wait to see what kind of positive impact it will have once it passes.

Next year this time, I will have had my child longer than the amount of time I spent trying to get her. Cool!

I'm very happy to have my little Dee!

Chloe turns 8!

My first little doggie, Chloe turned 8 on March 3rd. It was a big day! Chloe came here with an estimated age of 2 or 3. The vet and I chose two, and I made her adoption day, her birthday -- March 3, 2003.

She must have lived a super traumatic life. She was very slow to trust. While at the rescue for the few days she was there, she was spayed and got a severe case of kennel cough. So she came very ill. We bonded in her illness. Last year, the vet wanted to put her to sleep because of her back problems. She looked horrible, and it was apparent she felt horrible.

I had pre-made a decision that I didn't want to put my dogs to sleep, but give them pain relieving hospice as best I could afford. That's what made this birthday so, so special!

I spoke to Dee's class about my career. Then I came home, took Chloe and Roxy to Petco. We wanted to find a new dress, but didn't find anything we loved that they had two of. So...we picked up Dee after school, and went to Barkville . They got some raw diet food. (We don't do raw. We cook it, but they like it.) And Chloe got a toy.

I told Dee if she did anything to take the fun away from Chloe, I would totally regret getting her early. (She knew it wasn't my original plan.) She also did great!

It was a special day. We celebrated Chloe being home for six years and turning 8 years old. So much fun! Such a special day.

God has my baby in His hand. What a comfort. I pray Chloe has at least 8 more years!!!!

Sabatoge! Too Much Good!

Dee had her very first sleepover! It went very well. The little girl came over on Saturday about 4:00! I offered to take them bowling, but they had their own plans. They changed into PJ's while I made dinner. Then they ate, and sat down for a movie night! It took a while, and after a bunch of giggling, they finally went to sleep!

We took the friend home before church, and had a good Sunday School class and worship time. We brought two neighbors home for a few hours, and Dee did great! She really helped with them.

I was just enjoying what I pictured normal motherhood to be like!

But the fun was short-lived! At 5:00 on Sunday, I asked Dee to do three things: 1. Take her laundry downstairs. 2. Gather photos to take to school the next day for a project. 3. Bring her friend's coat down so we didn't forget to take it to her.

In reply, Dee went upstairs, and pretended to be stuck using the bathroom to miss dinner. I ate. And when she came down, I fed her. Then I found she had pulled all kind of things out of the cabinets. So I asked her why. She said, "I thought they would help clean." I knew that wasn't right.

I saw on her face, she was upset that I forgave her. So, she got in the tub and said she was running water for a bath. I never heard water. I asked her why I didn't hear water. She ran some, but weird noises came from the bathroom. Finally, I went in, and sure enough she is in the tub, but half-dressed.

I was outdone! I told her I didn't get it. And she started yelling that I should go to time out. And I just stopped talking.

We went through this scenario from both of our points of view for our therapist. She empathized that Dee lost the privilege of having an overnighter. Dee heard me mention that it may impact our vacation to Disney.

I must say, it ranks up in the top three time I have been disappointed in Dee. I told her it was not because she made me angry...that's going to happen. It's because she purposely made me angry. That was just mean and disrespectful!

A normal weekend

On Saturday, I let Dee do her own hair. It's always wild. But she has started taking control of her look on Sunday afternoons. She goes to church for Bible Drill, and I don't stay. With a little freedom, she just goes.

She spent the hour before Bible Drill primping. She looked fine today, but so much cuter this morning when I did the dressing! :)

I'm struggling with her upcoming IEP. She does have some learning disabilities. We know she has slow processing speed, and she has ADHD. I also think she suffers from dyslexia. And she may need some vision therapy. Despite these things, I want her to push forward because she is so far behind. Her teachers are "dumbing" down things for her. There's probably a happy medium. To get Dee on her own team, I showed her her progress card, and let her see what is happening. She was stunned. She cried. We'll get it fixed.

Dee's fish died. I bought her fish bowl and added another one. So today, I added two fish to our home. Their names are Mango and Peaches (I think those will stick). Mango is the boy, and he is red. Peaches is the girl and her name matches her color sort of. I'm hoping to do better than Dee did.

I notice Chloe and Roxy will consider going on a walk with Destinee without me. They won't always go, but sometimes. One night, Roxy slept with Destinee. We consider that something BIG!

Tomorrow we are home for President's Day. I will do some work, straighten Dee's hair, color mine and help her with her Westward Expansion project.

Snow Day!

Today, we had a snow day. I had a big project with a deadline tomorrow, so I toyed with going to work. Dee still had childcare, so it was possible. I'm just a wimp at driving. So, I finally decided to stay home. I had pre-made a rule that if school was closed because of snow, it would be a family day off.

When Dee heard me get out of the shower, she jumped out of bed anticipating my yelling that she needed to be dressed. I hadn't woke her up, but she wasn't sure. I told her it was a snow day. She was then wide awake. She did some painting (as in a picture). She watched TV, and played out with some of the kids in the neighborhood.

She came in from her snow play crying. Why? She was cold! I had to say "Duh...it's snow."

I did some work and rested. It was a peaceful day.

Chloe does not like snow, and I have a feeling she still really needs "to go". She just needs some peace to have an "accident" in the house. Roxy loved going out and eating the snow.

One snow day per year is plenty for our house! It does show that Dee is doing well as an only child because she was able to keep herself occupied.

OK, I am not great at keeping this up. I should have known. I did real well with Chloe & Roxy's blog until I started this adoption process. Now that I'm busy being a parent, I have trouble finding time writing about being a parent.

Well, Dee has made some great progress in the past two months. I'm very proud of her. She is finally feeling at home, and I can feel it. It makes our house so much nicer to live in.

Today, she even made my lunch for me. She is learning thoughtful ways.

Chloe is really enjoying Dee -- more food. Roxy seems a bit jealous and tentative with her. Dee sees it completely the opposite.

I'll have to add some entries going backwards like: New Years, Christmas, etc.