One Day to Disney

What a week!  You should never plan a big vacation in the same week your child promotes out of elementary school, she turns 11, and you have auditors in at work.  If you add that you are diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease and have to re-take your heart echo for your pulmonary hypertension...then you are bound to be tired.  If you add in that your daughter is being her normal self-absorbed self...you might be even be grumpy in your exhaustion.

Let's see.  After a quick visit to the doctor, he was able to quickly find the cause of my serious pain.  I'm just getting old.  After taking a second echo, my cardiologist had to call to explain to me why he thought the numbers were fine when he read the results but my pulmonologist did not.  I'm not sure why the "official" number varied from my cardiologist's number, but all is well.  I was very worried that I might be getting sick again and what would that mean for Dee.  God heard my prayer.

Dee had a fun birthday with her two local aunts and our doggies.  She got a cell phone.  I had someone record her greeting..."This is Dee's voice-mail.  Wait.  I'm Dee.  I don't have a voice-mail.  Do I have a voice-mail.  I HAVE A PHONE!  Happy Birthday Dee, from Mom, Chloe & Roxy!  Go find your phone."

So I hid the phone in a plant.  In a t-shirt, I put a note for her to call the phone.  She then heard the message.  BUT...only Dee could spot a tiny phone in a big plant.  She was just waiting for a time to get it.

We have matching shirts to wear, but hers is not cleaned nor did it make laundry. 

I better go to sleep.  I have 12 hours before we leave for the airport.  I will miss my furbabies.

The Big Week is Here

In Sunday School today when Dee read, she read as well as any of the other children.  I was so pleased.  I stopped the next reader and asked the kids, "Hasn't Dee gotten much better with her reading?"  They all agreed and had nice things to say.

We ate lunch out.  Dee was head down and looking mad the whole time.  She finally wrote a note asking if she could get her hair braided.  I circled "no."  She lost that privilege a month or two ago.  She knows it, but she still wanted it.  She continued in silence.  After a while, I asked if that is what we must do when she doesn't get her way.  She asked (with some attitude) what did I want her to talk about.  I offered:  1) You are in your last week of elementary school.  2) You are about to start day camp at middle school.  3) We are leaving on vacation this week.  4) You are turning 11 this week.  5) We have to plan treats to school this Tuesday.  6) We have to plan your birthday at Aunt Donna's. 

She yelled, "I get it."  Then she struggled, but eventually started talking.

We all four took a nap together in my bed.  She has a fun and stressful week.  I have a stressful and busy week.

Seven days to age 11.  Six days to Disney.  Five days to treats on the porch of Aunt Donna.  Three days to the big choir performance.  Four days to the last day of school.  Two days to 5th grade awards ceremony and birthday treats at school.  One day to choir practice at the high school.

Exhausting

It's one week until we make our big trip to Disney.  It's less than a week left of elementary school.  It's been horrible!  Dee is just full of attitude.  She is being sneaky.  She has that really dumb look on her face while she does not understand what you are saying. 

Yesterday, we had a big blow up because she could do her cheerleader camp for $200 if she still could fit her outfit from last year.  If she could not, then it would be $325.  Both are cheaper than last year, but I was so excited to save the $125 because I was sure she could fit it.  I told her we had to find it.  She wasn't looking and was working herself into a tantrum.  I knew then, she knew where it was.

Apparently, she "snuck" it to school one day.  Then not knowing how to get it back since I was checking her backpack, she left it there a while.  It was in the lost and found.  When she was ready to get it back, it was gone.  I am not happy.  So, she has lost her iPod to pay for the uniform.

In her tantrum, she called me "Lady" and "Dummy".  She said, "Lady, what do you want me to do?"  She also kept saying, "Why did you even adopt me"? 

I finally grabbed the camera and started filming her.  (I'll add the link later if I can ever figure out where it saved on my computer.)  She stopped her tantruming and throwing things.  She just argued.  I was apparently at the end of my rope.  When she calmed down,  told her I don't want to hear her ask why I adopted her.  She should say, "Thank you for adopting me."   I told her how her life could have been.  Maybe she would have aged out.  Who would teach her how to pay bills and do the stuff you need to do when you are grown?  Would she go to one of the best schools in the state?  Would she live in a safe neighborhood where you can leave your toys outside and it stays?  Or you can ride your bike and no one pulls a gun on you?  Maybe, but probably not if she aged out.

More and more we are talking both in therapy and home about how God plays a role in her decisions.  She asked at therapy, "Why are we talking about religion?"  I said, "Because we are religious people."  And then we talked about how God is part of our lives all of the time.  Not during devotions or at church.

Do I regret planning this trip?  Yes.  But it's not the only problem.  Earlier decisions are just now catching up with her.  She left the science out of her science fair project.  She does good with the "appearance" of a normal age-level child, but she is really a toddler and her teachers and I all seem to forget that.

Better take her to her choir performance....she is dressed like a bum!  Oh well!

Celebrating Others

Well...it's Mother's Day.  We know that that means our kids won't do well.  They are conflicted in their feelings and loyalties to us and their birth moms.  I decided that it's OK if she wants to have mixed feelings, but it is imperative she begins to learn to think of others and to celebrate them.

A few weeks ago, I told her to start saving money for my Mother's Day gift.  I reminded her off and on.  She saved nothing.  Two days ago, I gave her a $25 gift card I won in a raffle.  I told her I wanted her to buy me a gift, and spend it all on me!  I told her it's not quite like if she spent her own money on it, but it does matter if she picks it.  She spent all but fifty-seven cents.  And when she had wrapped the gifts, she was excited and proud.  She wanted to get up in the middle of the night to sneak the gift in my room.

I told her yesterday that it was Mother's Day.  I expected a good day.  If she were going to say mean things or be mean, please do not talk to me.  If she was going to be sarcastic, please do not go to my  Sunday School class.  I reminded her that I was a good mom, and I deserved this day.  And...I was going to make sure it stayed good.

Her card told me that I should "Be Prepared to Have a Good Day."  And for the most part...it was.

She gave me the gifts early on.  She wrapped the Carmel Apple wraps.  But she brought the nail polish in unwrapped.  (I think she was thinking about keeping them.)  She was nice all day.

On the way to lunch, she asked if she could go to Target and Best Buy -- two stores she had residual balances for on gift cards.  She picked up three nail polishes in Target for herself.  They totalled $16.  She had $5.00 and something.  I made her make a choice.  She got one.  She pouted and acted upset afterwards.

We talked about it and she assured me she was not angry, but disappointed.  I told her if she was going to be disappointed, then I didn't want to have lunch with her.  She said nothing, so we came home.  I did tell her since she was just randomly shopping, she had no right to be disappointed.  And I told her I felt I got polish because she wanted polish.  (And may I say, she has used both of my polishes already.)  How did MY day become about her?

Later, I told her we were going to dinner.  She made some suggestions since had picked where lunch was.  I told her I was picking the place.  We had a great time at dinner.

I suspect that she will not be so kind tomorrow, but for today, she did her best to give me a good day.  I did my best at reminding her she should.  The test will come next year when I get to see if she remembers that it is not about her.  She said that today when she debriefed the Target episode.  She said, "Hey, I'm proud.  I realized that everything is not about me."  I told her I didn't understand why that was a big deal...she knew that already.  She likes to re-learn and re-learn the same things, but I think I have to show her that at some point, she must mark it "Completed" and move on.

I had a great Mother's Day.  It was some work, but I still had fun.  At dinner, I handed her my credit card with her and the dogs' picture, and had her pay for it.  Then we took out some paper and figured the tip instead of giving the waiter the blanket $20.00 Dee suggested.  (She was disappointed again to use multiplication with decimals!)

We still have dessert to eat tomorrow.  Speaking of...tomorrow she will have her first paid babysitter in two years.  I have a meeting, and it's time I dabbled in freedom.  Stay tuned....

Life Lesson

Yesterday, when walking into Walmart.  I saw two police cars.  As we walked in, I said, "Yup...a shoplifter."  Dee grunted something that meant, "Why are you telling me?"  We walked by a policeman patting down a person.  A plain clothes security guard bragging that patience was a virtue.  A clerk going home telling her kids that they caught a thief.

I saw Dee walking with her hands hugging her body.  I was going to warn her about stealing, but I didn't have to.  She was on her p's and q's.  She has heard me say that it can happen, but a picture is worth a thousand words.

I actually have never seen them pat someone down.  But in our little town, our store will give the option of being prosecuted or standing in a case near the street so everyone knows you tried to steal.  (I have not seen that in a couple of years, so people have stopped stealing or the store has done away with that option.)  It was good for her to see.  Maybe this is what her impulse will need to help control it.

Giving Birth....NOT

I had one of those random thoughts jump into your mind when you are in the shower.  I was thinking about how the three of us in our department at work have kids who have ADHD or ADD.  We are all two years apart, and our children are within one year of each other in age.  So, I concluded, "Maybe moms who have kids later in life have a greater opportunity to have kids with attention disorders."  We were all 41 when our kids were born.  THEN...I realized, "I didn't give birth to Dee!" 

It just sort of cracked me up that I forgot!  I think that means I'm making progress in MY attachment disorder.

This week

So we started the week with a trip to the children's hospital Teen Clinic.  Our appointment was at 8:15, and we left at 10:30.  It is very detailed to put a kid on birth control.  The doctor spoke to me, then her and us together.  The nurse came in and did sex ed.  The social worker came in and talked to me, then her and us together.  Then the nurse returned to talk about condoms because she asked if I wanted to do that or her.  I let her.  She was very good at what she did.

When all was said and done, Dee had to sign for the shot.  Not me, the mom of the minor child...her.  They gave me a copy of the information she signed.  The dirty deed is done for the next three months.  (How can you feel good about putting your not-yet-11-year-old on birth control?)  I am glad it's a three-month shot.  We are not reminded daily of what we are doing.  It's invisible and possibly forgotten until August.

Then today I had a doctor's appointment.  He said my pressures in my lung are slowly rising.  So, I have to do some tests to determine what we will do next.  He said I had to be proactive now that I have a daughter.  I was very sick and near death years ago.  I am not at all sick now.  I think one of the numbers is incorrect.  I think it's all OK, and I certainly don't want to stress Dee out. 

I've  been focused this week on getting a new phone (iPhone) or an iPad.  I really like my Droid, but I have trouble getting work e-mail.  In the end, I got the iPad.  So...I have a new toy!  And Dee is not use to me getting something.  She did good on the shopping trip.

Something No 10-Year Old Should Have to Do

Yesterday, Roxy wanted to go for a walk.  I took her out and left my computer on.  Dee was upstairs and I was suspicious.  I asked what she was doing.  She said in her room watching TV from my room.  When we came back, Chloe wanted to go.  Dee resumed the project she was doing in the living room.   Chloe did her business rather quickly, and we came back much sooner than Dee anticipated.  She was in my room.  I thought sneaking candy from my Sunday School bag since she had eaten quite a bit.  But when I sat at my computer, I could tell it was touched.  I checked history and saw...www.youtub.com.  I knew then she was on her way to porn.  And the misspelling confirmed it was her.  I asked her, but she assured me she was just going to watch a video.  So besides making sure my computer is ALWAYS off, and taking her with me on ALL of the dogs' walks, I'm also doing something I'm not so proud of.

Monday, Dee has an Ob-Gyn appointment.  I feel it's important that she is protected from having children too early.  She has no impulse control.  She is more than fascinated by sex...it's more like obsessed.  She has seen too much and possibly experienced too much.  Her menstrual cycle started early.  I feel cornered.  I have no choice.  But when I play it in my mind, I hate it.  "Hi, I would like to get birth control for my 10-year old daughter."  It may seem I would condone sex early, but it's quite the opposite.  I've told Dee what I want for her and what God wants from her.  But I still think I have to be realistic.

So, in 32-hours, I will be doing something you should never have to do with your 10-year old.  I think you shouldn't have to do it with your 16-year old even.  But you do.  It's sad.

Speak to me after...

Because Dee has such bad mornings, I've asked her not to talk to me in the morning.  At night, we choose her clothes, etc.  I bought her an alarm clock, and when I put her to bed I say, "Good night.  I will talk to you after school/church/dance..."  This means she does not have time to fight or get an attitude.  Three days in and it's working OK.  She got up at the 1 minute warning today and rushed into some clothes.  While on the highway, she threw a paper at me and asked me to sign it.  I told her I would have to read it first.  I would sign it tomorrow.

She is still having a lot of problems with that iPod.  Now that she cannot get to sites I don't want her at, I am telling her I want her report to be free of "porn."  She won't be allowed to go to it, but the software (www.mobicip.com) will tell me if she even tried.

I did tell her it is not easy to like someone who is always mean to you.  She left my side crestfallen.  It's time she learned there are consequences to this kind of behavior.  When she is mean to her friends, she will say, "They understand me."

We did have some fun this weekend.  I picked her and two friends up from daycare Friday night, and we ate out and went to a play.  Saturday, Dee bought a new wallet, and then we hung out at home.  She wanted a mani-pedi but was unwilling to chip in towards the cost.  Sunday, we went to see Chimpanzee.  I'm not a big nature movie person, but I went.  It was better than I anticipated.  Dee fell asleep.

Last night when I was doing her hair, she was mean and yelled, "Would you not pull my head when you do this?"  I said "Sure."  So I straightened it very lightly.  She said, "I don't think this is going to work.  Can you do it regular?"  I said, "No."

One day, she will connect her behavior to things.

Surviving

Dee had her annual visit this week.  She grew only 1 1/2 inches this past year.  Her doctor noticed some curve to her spine, so we did an x-ray.  The curve is 14 degrees.  She is not concerned since Dee is pretty much done growing.  She will check it again in six months to be sure.  They treat them after 20 degrees, possibly higher if you are done growing.  Dee is 5'1" tall, and is not expected to exceed 5'3".  I'm 5'9" and she really wanted to catch up to me.

I took her and some friends to eat and out to a play yesterday.  She sure did act silly.  She was so happy to have friends do stuff, she couldn't stop laughing.  No one invites her, but parents are willing to let their kids come with me.  It's OK...I prefer it that way.

Dee can't get calendars straight in her head.  Which comes first...end of school, her birthday, Disney, my conference or camp?  She usually is comparing two.  It is already a busy summer.  She also needs to squeeze in her dance recital and maybe football cheer clinic again.

I am not exaggerating...I cannot say anything to Dee without her responding with attitude.  It's got to be somewhere around 95% of the time, no matter how mundane, or inconsequential, she has an attitude.  I've been trying to ignore it.  But that does not fit my personality.  How long is puberty again?

Getting Better...

I managed to get some tolerance for Dee today.  She did get herself up and ready on time.  After school, we talked more on our drive.  Then we went to therapy.  I spoke with the therapist and we talked about how things are effecting Dee.  She tried to help me see what I need to do that I am not doing.  We did talk about my priorities.  I simply am not willing to negotiate respect.  When I have to "choose my battles," I choose the one about being respectful.

I am not helping Dee though.  She is beginning to have some image issues.  She says she sees her birth mom when she looks in the mirror or at pictures of herself.  She is beginning to hate herself.  I took her to the mirror to show her how we look alike, but it did not work for her.  She'd see it more if our skin tones were closer, but she hears people often say we look alike.

Today her homework is to look in the mirror and say, "You are beautiful."  "You are amazing" etc.  It really upset her.  She does not want to do that.  She said she can't hug herself.  I showed her me hugging myself, and she broke down crying when I did.  I've got to stop this self-hatred she is starting.

I wanted to send her to church camp this summer, but I think she is not ready.  I will have my niece who is 20 years old, come to care for her while I'm at a conference later in the summer.  They will both be dressing inappropriately, but at least Dee will have a good time.

My Child...I really don't like her.

I do not like my child today.  Really, I don't.  I can't remember if I've felt like this before or not, but this is a pretty serious case.  How did it happen?  One disrespectful word too many. I simply cannot stand the tone and snottiness she speaks to me with.  And today, I had no tolerance.  If you add in her lying, sneaking and stealing, I think I'm out of steam.

Today, I left her to parent herself.  She is not going to bed, just hoping I will tell her to go.  I offered her her meds, but assured her I couldn't care less if she took them or not.   I am done.

I can't really explain how I feel, but if she were a spouse, I'm pretty sure I'd ask for a divorce.

Chloe & Roxy

Yesterday, we went to the Pet Expo.  Chloe and Roxy took the Canine Good Citizen test.  Roxy urinated.  Fail!  They said she could try again in an hour.  But then, she REFUSED to do the command "down."  FAIL.  Chloe, my shy-er one, but slightly smarter one, actually passed!  I was worried she would not do well around another dog, but she did fine.  So, I have a Canine Good Citizen, and a Canine OK Citizen!

Roxy celebrated 6 years at home today!  My baby girl!!!!

Running, running, running

So it seems all I do is drive!  I work a full day, then I drive Dee to dance, gymnastics, therapy, doctor's, etc.  I'm so tired.  I've had so much I wanted to blog about, but I was too busy and tired actually living it to do so.

Let's do the good, bad and ugly!

The Good
My little girls were in the Easter parade.  They were adorable, but they did not win a prize.  I do find it hard to believe, but you know...everyone doesn't get our kind of "cute."  We had fun.

Dee has been doing well on the annual state testing at school.  Not grade wise, but in effort.  She has gotten a four everyday, which means she is trying or doing a good job looking like she is trying.

I dipped into some savings to pay for a trip to Orlando for Dee's birthday.  Another adoptive mom, and online friend, who has her travel agent's license or whatever they have, helped me to book the trip.  She was helpful because she understood Dee, and she could give me suggestions on the trip to minimize the trauma response.

I got serious about my diet and have been following a diet pretty well.  It's a slow weight loss, which is what I want.  So, I'm down about 8 pounds.  Slow and steady wins the race!  But it must be steady!

My little Roxy seemed so sick and angry, but she is doing well with some treatments for really bad allergies.

Someone from my church started a support group using Karyn Purvis' methods. 


The Bad

Dee's issue with porn continues to surface.  I made her tell me all the sexual exposure she had, and then made her talk about it in therapy.  She revealed some things we didn't know, but I think she is still holding back.

It cost too much to eat healthy.  Gas is too expensive.  I need a higher salary.

Work has been crazy busy.  And for as careful as I've been in this very high stress time, I still found an error I made.

The Ugly

Dee had a tantrum the other day after missing medication.  She shattered the downstair's kitchen light fixture from stomping in her room above it.  MaMa was NOT happy!

We are having a high period of sneaky behavior.  I have to watch parents who intend to do good, but who are just making things worse out of their good intentions.

ARRRGGGGGG!!!!

Dee was difficult this morning...as usual.

Then when I picked her up, she ran to me and hugged me.  I asked what was wrong, and she said, "MAPP testing is coming up."  Then she said, "I took an aspirin today because my head hurt."  I asked if the nurse gave it to her and she said yes.  I said, "I need to call.  She doesn't have permission to give you aspirin without talking to me."  Then she said she had taken it from the first aid kit.  What is wrong with this girl?!

In the meantime, I'm doing a book study and support group on The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  I'm feeling too jaded to appreciate what it says.

[Sigh]

Family Meeting

Dee called a family meeting today. Even when we were done, I couldn't figure out the purpose.  She had notes.
1.  She wants her hair braided.  (I said no.  She always takes it down.)
2.  She doesn't feel happy.  We are not happy anymore.  Where is the laughter?  (I don't know what she is talking about, so I just listened.)
3.  Can she have her iPod back?  (Yes, but only one hour a day.)
4.  We don't do anything fun anymore?  (I ran through of list of things we did recently, and we concluded we do fun things, so it must be in her.)

I don't think her meeting went the way she intended.  I think she just wanted her braids and her iPod.  But she couldn't handle the responses she got back.

Even after a tough meeting, I left her home while I went to a meeting.  When I checked on her, she was doing fine and encouraged me to do our grocery shopping.  I came home and was talking to a neighbor who innocently mentioned Dee and the ice cream truck.  I knew then that Dee broke the very first rule of staying home alone.  She went outside.

I told her she lost that right.  When she was sad and disappointed in herself.  I reminded her that she knew she was breaking the rules when she went out.  She had to know if she got caught there would be consequences.  So from now on, she will have to go and spend two hours with the volunteer child care.