In therapy today, I talked with Miss Michelle first. She had received my note on how Dee did after last week. So we chatted about that. She gave me an American Girl book she got from a garage sale about body stuff. And I told her how well Dee did this week. When Dee went in, she asked her how her week went, she said "4" on a scale of "10." So she came to the reception area, and asked me and I said a 9.5. We learned that if she does anything wrong, then really knocks herself down.
Tonight she came in, and fixed the dogs food. They loved the way she did it and she felt very proud! She then made me a snack and brought me water.
Then she journaled my food from yesterday and my exercise. And now she has a plan.
It was a fun and enlightening day. I'm going to be shocked when this Dee wears off and the other one comes. I'm feeling so hopeful!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Perspective
A month or two ago, I talked with a friend I just don't talk to enough. She told me then her son, 13 years old, had attempted suicide. I could see it. He has always been a kid who needed to do well, and perform well. He was born that way. I remember when she worried that he could not do well with an unstructured kindergarten teacher. His dad is a pastor and his mom is a social worker. They immediately got him help.
Well, I don't know the details, but I do know that he caused a spinal cord injury in himself. He is hanging on. They are devastated. If they get him through the physical trauma, what about all the emotion going on. My heart aches for them. I love this family so much!
Their son is the only person I ever sat in a hospital waiting to be born. And it wasn't that long ago. I've been praying all day for him, and for his family. It puts in perspective all of our issues. They are not easy -- especially when you are in them. But I have my girl. She has not harmed herself. I don't have to worry about if she will walk again, and if she does will she want to live.
Today, I feel like I have the easy life.
Well, I don't know the details, but I do know that he caused a spinal cord injury in himself. He is hanging on. They are devastated. If they get him through the physical trauma, what about all the emotion going on. My heart aches for them. I love this family so much!
Their son is the only person I ever sat in a hospital waiting to be born. And it wasn't that long ago. I've been praying all day for him, and for his family. It puts in perspective all of our issues. They are not easy -- especially when you are in them. But I have my girl. She has not harmed herself. I don't have to worry about if she will walk again, and if she does will she want to live.
Today, I feel like I have the easy life.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Mean Words
Dee was still doing great today. I got a note this morning that there was a substitute in her class. I called the school and asked them to tell the sub not to let her out in the halls alone. It's a "better safe than sorry" preventive. She did fine in school.
I actually left my cell phone at home, and I was sure she did not have it. Our system of checking her bags and making sure she didn't have pockets really gave me a sense of calm.
When we got home, a little girl from down the street knocked on the door. She asked if Dee could come out to play. Before she was done talking, Dee yelled down the stairs, "No!" I said, "She has gymnastics, and we are about to eat dinner." Then I heard Dee say aloud, "I don't even know why she is here." I kept talking to the little girl. But I was angry and disappointed in Dee.
Why did she say that? First, she was talking out loud, and probably didn't know she said it out loud. Or maybe she did. When she came down, I confronted her. She didn't say anything.
I know she is mad because the little girl who came over, "A" was playing with the girl Dee is forbidden to play with yesterday. So Dee is angry that didn't drop the friend. She is very possessive of her friends. But in trying to hold on to "A," she was mean and probably has lost another friend.
At night time, she wrote me a very sweet note:
I actually left my cell phone at home, and I was sure she did not have it. Our system of checking her bags and making sure she didn't have pockets really gave me a sense of calm.
When we got home, a little girl from down the street knocked on the door. She asked if Dee could come out to play. Before she was done talking, Dee yelled down the stairs, "No!" I said, "She has gymnastics, and we are about to eat dinner." Then I heard Dee say aloud, "I don't even know why she is here." I kept talking to the little girl. But I was angry and disappointed in Dee.
Why did she say that? First, she was talking out loud, and probably didn't know she said it out loud. Or maybe she did. When she came down, I confronted her. She didn't say anything.
I know she is mad because the little girl who came over, "A" was playing with the girl Dee is forbidden to play with yesterday. So Dee is angry that didn't drop the friend. She is very possessive of her friends. But in trying to hold on to "A," she was mean and probably has lost another friend.
At night time, she wrote me a very sweet note:
From: Dee-a-roo
To: Mom-a-roo
PS - You are everything I have to love.
You are a rock.
Dear Mom,
Thank you for being the best mom ever. And thank you for being there for me when I need help with my sadness or something like that. I love you.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Peace
We are having a very peaceful weekend. Dee is acting near normal. She is not causing drama. She understands that things are processing in her. She is ready to stop the process. She told me she heard a voice that told her she just needed to forgive her birth mom and not hold a grudge. I told her that was ideal. Anger and bitterness inside us makes us do mean things. When we forgive, we can move on. And...if we love someone and forgive them, our heart feels better.
She is much happier right now. I am sure we will revisit all of this again in a month or two. It's not over, but it is a big step.
She still owed me $6 from stealing my stuff. She told her therapist she needed to pay me but she didn't want to give me all of her money. So they agreed she'd give $4 of her $8. She couldn't bring herself to do it. But after spending a dollar, she just handed me $6, and said, "My debt is paid." I agreed. Now, she is working hard to earn some money. That works for me.
I also told her today that her trust level is between 2 and 3 on a 10 scale. She was thrilled that she is no longer at zero. I reminded her how long it takes to build trust versus how quickly you can lose it.
But overall, our house is peaceful. It's so nice! Dee asked if we can have a foster child. I said, not right now because I don't have any more time to give. She takes more than her share.
She is much happier right now. I am sure we will revisit all of this again in a month or two. It's not over, but it is a big step.
She still owed me $6 from stealing my stuff. She told her therapist she needed to pay me but she didn't want to give me all of her money. So they agreed she'd give $4 of her $8. She couldn't bring herself to do it. But after spending a dollar, she just handed me $6, and said, "My debt is paid." I agreed. Now, she is working hard to earn some money. That works for me.
I also told her today that her trust level is between 2 and 3 on a 10 scale. She was thrilled that she is no longer at zero. I reminded her how long it takes to build trust versus how quickly you can lose it.
But overall, our house is peaceful. It's so nice! Dee asked if we can have a foster child. I said, not right now because I don't have any more time to give. She takes more than her share.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
An Interesting Car Ride
Today was my long commute day. I drive 34 miles to work, then 34 miles back to get Dee for therapy, then 30 miles to therapy and then 30 miles home. On the way home from therapy, we always talk a little about therapy. Miss Michelle said that they talked about the heart puzzle again. I told Dee that I didn't remember the heart puzzle, and asked what it was about.
She said it was a heart, but a piece is missing. It's the piece she has to figure out between her birth mom and me. She understood that it was something she needed to do. She said she had not forgotten how it worked. But a little later in the drive, she started with hard questions.
She admitted that she hoped to find Birth Mom as mess up as before because it would hurt her to know she managed to get it together for the younger ones. I asked her if she really wanted the two young ones to go through what she had gone through? She said she didn't want that new girl not to know what a mess her mom was. It would make her mad to hear her say that she had a great mom when she wasn't so great for her.
I commended her for saying "if" she chooses to find her birth mom when she is 18 or older. I told her she can make that decision later. I assured her tonight that she could love both of us. She said something in her nightly prayer that made me feel she felt she had to choose. She answered me with "I didn't know that."
She is really trying to figure it out. It will be so cool if she could just get on with her life. I was proud of her today!
She said it was a heart, but a piece is missing. It's the piece she has to figure out between her birth mom and me. She understood that it was something she needed to do. She said she had not forgotten how it worked. But a little later in the drive, she started with hard questions.
- Why did Birth Mom get to keep the two youngest kids?
- Why did Birth Mom replace her with another girl?
- Why did Birth Mom get her life together for them and not the first three?
She admitted that she hoped to find Birth Mom as mess up as before because it would hurt her to know she managed to get it together for the younger ones. I asked her if she really wanted the two young ones to go through what she had gone through? She said she didn't want that new girl not to know what a mess her mom was. It would make her mad to hear her say that she had a great mom when she wasn't so great for her.
I commended her for saying "if" she chooses to find her birth mom when she is 18 or older. I told her she can make that decision later. I assured her tonight that she could love both of us. She said something in her nightly prayer that made me feel she felt she had to choose. She answered me with "I didn't know that."
She is really trying to figure it out. It will be so cool if she could just get on with her life. I was proud of her today!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Foster Child Syndrome
A while back, I diagnosed Dee with FCS (Foster Care Syndrome). Although it's not in the medical books yet, it should be. Many parents of children who were in foster care will recognize it. It's a "disease" with symptoms of thinkimg you should be pitied and treated special because you are/were in foster care. The cure, I believe for FCS, is adoption. I have had a hard time convincing Dee that she is now cured.
She is in special education classes part of the day at school. She likes to use that to her advantage. She claims she can't do things, she doesn't understand. And mostly, she just doesn't try. She knows how to make it look like she is trying, but she doesn't try.
Yesterday, I saw her in her tumbling class do the exact same thing. She didn't try half of the things the other kids were doing. Even things the six year olds were doing. She just excused herself as not being able to do them. I told her when parent observation day comes around in October, she had better be doing what the other kids are doing. If I were her, I wouldn't wait until then to start trying. No wonder she has no self-esteem! She quits before she starts!
She is in special education classes part of the day at school. She likes to use that to her advantage. She claims she can't do things, she doesn't understand. And mostly, she just doesn't try. She knows how to make it look like she is trying, but she doesn't try.
Yesterday, I saw her in her tumbling class do the exact same thing. She didn't try half of the things the other kids were doing. Even things the six year olds were doing. She just excused herself as not being able to do them. I told her when parent observation day comes around in October, she had better be doing what the other kids are doing. If I were her, I wouldn't wait until then to start trying. No wonder she has no self-esteem! She quits before she starts!
Friday, September 9, 2011
A Little Insight
Today Dee's former worker called. He said even though he had talked to me before, he was forbidden to say anything about the case. I understand. I did get a little insight from him. It's as bad or worse than I anticipated. So, I'm glad we are not doing the interview right now.
I do think it helps me to understand all the craziness that must be going on inside her and coming out in her behaviors.
So we move on!!!
I do think it helps me to understand all the craziness that must be going on inside her and coming out in her behaviors.
So we move on!!!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Good News, Tears & a Cold
Today when I was at lunch, I got a call from the State worker. She left a message that she had good news. They didn't need to interview Dee right now. She said she'd call me back next week and give me more details. (I think she checked to see what she could divulge.) It's like watching a train wreck. I want to know so I can stop speculating, but I also don't want to know.
Dee is not feeling 100%. She is coming down with a cold. I don't have time (work-wise) for a cold, so I have been very proactive. I noticed last night when she went to bed, I rubbed her with Vicks VapoRub. She smiled. I could tell it made her feel taken-care-of. It is always interesting to see what sparks that in her.
She is also very weepy. Very, very weepy. I told her it was hormones. Great. Just what we need.
The doggies are needing some attention. I did play with them some today, but they would like to go to the park or something. We need to build that in. It can't be all Dee and no Chlo-Rox. That would make an unhappy home!
Dee is not feeling 100%. She is coming down with a cold. I don't have time (work-wise) for a cold, so I have been very proactive. I noticed last night when she went to bed, I rubbed her with Vicks VapoRub. She smiled. I could tell it made her feel taken-care-of. It is always interesting to see what sparks that in her.
She is also very weepy. Very, very weepy. I told her it was hormones. Great. Just what we need.
The doggies are needing some attention. I did play with them some today, but they would like to go to the park or something. We need to build that in. It can't be all Dee and no Chlo-Rox. That would make an unhappy home!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Therapy to the Rescue
I have never looked forward to therapy so much as I did today. Dee was looking forward to it also because she had a good week, and she wanted a treasure from the treasure chest. I was looking forward to it because I value our therapist's opinion, and I knew she could help me with recent predicament.
She listened to the story. She said, "You're done. I'll take this over." I'll talk to the detective, and try to get him or her to see the therapeutic side of it. Then I'll get information, but she and I both were leaning to not allowing the interview otherwise unless there is more information. I think she will understand which way I would want to go, and they are probably more willing to share info with her. So...I'm going to just trust her and try to relax.
Dee her that she could tell her she is being more accepted by her peers now that she is doing better.
Overall today was much better than yesterday! Whew!
She listened to the story. She said, "You're done. I'll take this over." I'll talk to the detective, and try to get him or her to see the therapeutic side of it. Then I'll get information, but she and I both were leaning to not allowing the interview otherwise unless there is more information. I think she will understand which way I would want to go, and they are probably more willing to share info with her. So...I'm going to just trust her and try to relax.
Dee her that she could tell her she is being more accepted by her peers now that she is doing better.
Overall today was much better than yesterday! Whew!
A Small Reprieve
Early this morning the state worker called me back. She talked to the worker on the case and explained my concerns. They are checking with the detective on the case to see if maybe Dee's therapist can talk to her instead. That would be better.
One thing for certain is that what's going on in that little person is more than I can imagine. No wonder life is tough for her!
One thing for certain is that what's going on in that little person is more than I can imagine. No wonder life is tough for her!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Stroking Out
I had a call from the Children's Division on Friday. I thought it was about renewing my foster license. But no...when I called today, it was about interviewing Dee about possible past sexual abuse. A family member is the one they are investigating, and it sickens me.
My little girl will not like talking negatively about her birth family. I think she may feel betrayed. She will have to face a ton of memories she doesn't want to face. I don't want to face them either.
Do I have a moral obligation to help make sure this doesn't happen to someone else or not? If it were me, I'd be glad to go through the interview, but it's not me. It's a little girl, who may or may not have experienced something, and may or may not remember something.
I think I'm going to have a stroke.
My little girl will not like talking negatively about her birth family. I think she may feel betrayed. She will have to face a ton of memories she doesn't want to face. I don't want to face them either.
Do I have a moral obligation to help make sure this doesn't happen to someone else or not? If it were me, I'd be glad to go through the interview, but it's not me. It's a little girl, who may or may not have experienced something, and may or may not remember something.
I think I'm going to have a stroke.
Monday, September 5, 2011
A 5 Year Old Planning to Avoid Foster Care
On last Tuesday, Dee told me the story of an evening visit with her birth mother when she was still in foster care, and how she hung onto her leg and would not leave. Once they peeled her away, ang got her in the car, and she waited until she heard the click of the driver's belt, and bolted from the car. She said she was able to do it because when she heard talk that they may be put into foster care, she "made a plan." She was going to escape if they tried to take her. Her plan was thrown off because they took her at school, and they were on the highway a lot, but she decided to use it this day. I told her if she only used her brain for good... And I told her that it sounds like something I would also plan.
The next day, we were on our way to therapy. She was talking non-stop birth family. I had had an e-mail earlier in the day that birth mom wrote to her former worker and asked about visiting the siblings in care or even adopting them. He said she didn't mention Dee, but she knows Dee is adopted. (I found her on-line and sent her a note. I've never heard from her, but I also sent a note to her sister, and she did respond.) Anyway...so on our ride to therapy, I asked Dee, "If a magic fairy allowed you a special wish to visit your birth family for one day, and then you come back to me, would you go?" She said, "Hmmm...." Then she asked if I could go. I said, "No, you have to go alone." She said she would say "no." I asked her why, and she said she would be scared.
The next day, we were on our way to therapy. She was talking non-stop birth family. I had had an e-mail earlier in the day that birth mom wrote to her former worker and asked about visiting the siblings in care or even adopting them. He said she didn't mention Dee, but she knows Dee is adopted. (I found her on-line and sent her a note. I've never heard from her, but I also sent a note to her sister, and she did respond.) Anyway...so on our ride to therapy, I asked Dee, "If a magic fairy allowed you a special wish to visit your birth family for one day, and then you come back to me, would you go?" She said, "Hmmm...." Then she asked if I could go. I said, "No, you have to go alone." She said she would say "no." I asked her why, and she said she would be scared.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Turning it Around
When Dee woke up on Monday morning, she was not excited to go to school. She was grumpy because she knew she had to face the music for her actions on Friday. She knew she could get suspended. And she was not pleased about taking apology letters to the teachers.
I admonished her when I dropped her at daycare, that people are more likely to accept an apology of a kind and pleasant girl than a grumpy and mean one.
E-mails flew that day from teachers saying she was having a great day. The Assistant Principal called. He did not suspend her, but did a good talk with her. He is also the principal at the middle school, so he told her about the consequences there.
When I picked her up, she said, "Mom, did you hear I turned my day around?" She was so excited! She refused to do anything that would mess up her day.
The next day, I gave her my words of wisdom, and she said, "Don't worry, I'll have a great day. I turned my life around!" Cool, I thought.
She went on to have an excellent day.
I admonished her when I dropped her at daycare, that people are more likely to accept an apology of a kind and pleasant girl than a grumpy and mean one.
E-mails flew that day from teachers saying she was having a great day. The Assistant Principal called. He did not suspend her, but did a good talk with her. He is also the principal at the middle school, so he told her about the consequences there.
When I picked her up, she said, "Mom, did you hear I turned my day around?" She was so excited! She refused to do anything that would mess up her day.
The next day, I gave her my words of wisdom, and she said, "Don't worry, I'll have a great day. I turned my life around!" Cool, I thought.
She went on to have an excellent day.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Week 2 Ends with Stealing
Dee's special ed teacher sent an e-mail on Friday saying that Dee had a nasty attitude and was refusing to do her work, and the work she did was super sloppy. She said she would be sending it home for her to do at home. I read "nasty attitude." She hit the nail on the head. There's no other way to describe it. But I must be getting smarter, because I also knew that was a sign of guilt. I told her Dee was feeling guilty. I'd be checking for things she may have taken.
The teacher must have just asked Dee, "Do you have anything that doesn't belong to you?" Dee told her she had some lip gloss and perfume she had taken from me. Yup...she had stolen two items from a birthday present I received. The teacher was then suspicious so she went with Dee to her regular class to put them in her bag. She asked her where her see-through lunch bag was and she said at home. She asked where she had gotten the one she had, and she said the lost and found. Then they found she had stolen a kid who was at the gifted program's snack. It was a long day!
I asked the teacher to turn the incident in to the office. She was hesitant, but I want to teach Dee that the consequences of her action are real.
When I picked Dee up, she wasn't sure what was going to happen. I never left the school parking lot. I told her I knew she could grow up and be a therapist or teacher or a mommy. I asked her what she wanted to be. Then I told her it didn't seem like that what's she wanted to be, it seems like she wants to be a thief. She said sometimes she can't help herself. I told her I didn't buy it. I reminded her that I tried to help her by sewing her pockets closed, and she took scissors and opened a space to steal.
I told her I had run out of options of trying to help her. I suggest she remembers all the things she learned in therapy and home and come up with a plan.
She almost made two weeks of school....almost.
The teacher must have just asked Dee, "Do you have anything that doesn't belong to you?" Dee told her she had some lip gloss and perfume she had taken from me. Yup...she had stolen two items from a birthday present I received. The teacher was then suspicious so she went with Dee to her regular class to put them in her bag. She asked her where her see-through lunch bag was and she said at home. She asked where she had gotten the one she had, and she said the lost and found. Then they found she had stolen a kid who was at the gifted program's snack. It was a long day!
I asked the teacher to turn the incident in to the office. She was hesitant, but I want to teach Dee that the consequences of her action are real.
When I picked Dee up, she wasn't sure what was going to happen. I never left the school parking lot. I told her I knew she could grow up and be a therapist or teacher or a mommy. I asked her what she wanted to be. Then I told her it didn't seem like that what's she wanted to be, it seems like she wants to be a thief. She said sometimes she can't help herself. I told her I didn't buy it. I reminded her that I tried to help her by sewing her pockets closed, and she took scissors and opened a space to steal.
I told her I had run out of options of trying to help her. I suggest she remembers all the things she learned in therapy and home and come up with a plan.
She almost made two weeks of school....almost.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ready, Set, School Year!
Dee has been doing better since she earned the right to call me mom. I heard a bit of disrespect in answer today, but she changed it pretty quickly. I'm trying to show her if she can be respectful for 24 hours, then she can do it for 48, or 72 or 96. One of her problems is she defines herself by past bad decisions and actions. And she learns to like that definition.
She started classes this week. After the porn incidents, I ran through things I had learned in my MAPP class in preparing for adoption, and decided that busyness would be the way to go. Monday, she had tumbling at 8:00 p.m. She enjoyed it. Tuesday, she had Hip Hop, Tap and Ballet class. She loved them all! I'm pleased. She is taking the dance classes and the tumbling class for $96 a month. It may actually be worth it.
I let her ride the school bus for the first time today. I'm home recuperating, so she was able to get on the bus. I will pick her up. Because we have our other activity today...therapy! :)
Last night I went to the Parent Orientation. A mom hijacked the presentation. She talked non-stop about her daughter being in the gifted program, needing to read difficult books, wanting to start her science fair with plenty of notice. The teacher could not get control back. That makes me worry how she is going teach my little ADHD child.
All homework this year is optional. It sounds good, but it just means my child will not catch up very much.
She started classes this week. After the porn incidents, I ran through things I had learned in my MAPP class in preparing for adoption, and decided that busyness would be the way to go. Monday, she had tumbling at 8:00 p.m. She enjoyed it. Tuesday, she had Hip Hop, Tap and Ballet class. She loved them all! I'm pleased. She is taking the dance classes and the tumbling class for $96 a month. It may actually be worth it.
I let her ride the school bus for the first time today. I'm home recuperating, so she was able to get on the bus. I will pick her up. Because we have our other activity today...therapy! :)
Last night I went to the Parent Orientation. A mom hijacked the presentation. She talked non-stop about her daughter being in the gifted program, needing to read difficult books, wanting to start her science fair with plenty of notice. The teacher could not get control back. That makes me worry how she is going teach my little ADHD child.
All homework this year is optional. It sounds good, but it just means my child will not catch up very much.
Monday, August 22, 2011
So sick...
I'm so sick. It looks and feels like a sinus infection. However, I just threw up everything I ate for the last two days including my new antibiotic which is burning my throat.
I would just plan not to go to work tomorrow, but my boss and coworker both have children having surgery tomorrow. I have to go in. I'm running a fever, throwing up on one end, peeing on the other...it's not pretty! Oh well....
I won't eat. And maybe the meds will have some effect either going down or coming back up!
I would just plan not to go to work tomorrow, but my boss and coworker both have children having surgery tomorrow. I have to go in. I'm running a fever, throwing up on one end, peeing on the other...it's not pretty! Oh well....
I won't eat. And maybe the meds will have some effect either going down or coming back up!
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