Therapeutic Parenting

If you adopt a child from foster care, you will find that many people do not understand your parenting of your child.  The act of un-parenting before you parent is just a concept that others don't get if they have not been through it.

I have found that even many who do practice therapeutic parenting don't always get my parenting of Dee.  I tried all of the "standard" therapeutic parenting techniques with her.  Many don't work.  So if you have a therapeutic parent watching and they see you tell your RAD child "get out of the car" or if you call the police, they tend to gasp and judge.  But that's no different than what non-adoptive parents think of their techniques.

The reality is this with my child:  She likes boundaries.  No, she needs boundaries.  She wants someone to tell her how far she can go and remain safe.  And if she puts even a pinky toe past the safe point, she wants someone to care enough to take action -- extreme action if necessary.

Those who are involved in Dee's life with me:  her therapist, psychiatrist, adoption workers all agree that a different kind of parent than I am would have ruined her.  I tried it all.  And I'm glad that I never stopped before I caught on to her needs.  I wish I had a kid who I could compliment without her destroying it.  I wish my child didn't admit that she felt comforted by seeing anger come into my face.  But one day, I think I will.  And why?  Because I gave her what she needed, not what everyone thought I should.

The Long Weekend

We've had a long stay-at-home weekend with not that many activities.  One thing I love is that now we are both at home with each other.  We can do our own thing, and be comfortable.  I can trust her outside to play with other kids.  She can watch TV in the living room and I can watch in my room.  I don't have to entertain her every minute like I did the first year.

On Friday, Dee had a great birthday!  She loved, loved, loved all of the attention.  Her gifts were Dee-appropriate.  She felt so happy and loved!  We all enjoyed watching her!

She made it through her birthday.  It's one of those unsuspecting triggers for her.  She wondered if her birth mom remembered her birthday.  Of course, I told her.  No one in the world pushed you out, but her.  And a pleasant surprise was her birth aunt sent her a "happy birthday" through a special dummy Facebook account I made.  Dee said, "At least someone remembered."  I think it comforted her, but she didn't really care.

I'm so glad I made contact with someone in her birth family.  It has stopped Dee from pitting me against her "made-up" family.  She has had to be more honest.  And they don't seem so distant for her.  We did agree I would not tell her anything birth family though.  I did tell her about the birthday greeting, and asked her if that was the right thing to do, and she said it was.

She actually had a good long weekend. I don't think she had any serious consequence through the weekend.


Dee said tonight that God is pleased with her because she is a very loving girl when she is not angry.  I agreed.  Then I asked her what God thought when she was angry.  She said disappointed.  I reminded her we all disappoint God, but we should never do it on purpose.

A neighbor stopped me to tell me that her church, which is a different religion (not just denomination) than mine has activities for girls, and she thinks Dee would benefit.  I listened, but then had to tell her that Dee's spiritual health was more important to me than her social health.  I reminded her that we had different beliefs.  She understood.  She told me she was adopted at age six.  I've known her for several years, and this was the first time she mentioned it.  Her invitation was sincere.  She said she remembered how hard it was.

Dee brought home standardized test scores in Social Studies and Science.  She was in the 51st percentile for Social Studies (Amazing!) and 24th percentile in Science (Wonderful!).  She was in the 9th - 12th percentile in everything last year.  In math, she went from 478 to 710!  My little girl is learning...despite her learning disabilities.

This is one of the weeks when I feel I can dream for her.  I can see her as a successful adult!  It's pretty cool!

My Baby turns 10!

Tonight, I sit back and think about the day Dee was born.  It was a Sunday.  I wasn't there.  I checked my calendar to see what I was doing that day.  I had nothing for the actual day, but since it was a Sunday, I can assume I went to church and Sunday School.  But that week, I had two doctor's appointments because I was still pretty sick from my pulmonary hypertension.

Dee often asks me to tell her the story of the day she was born.  I can recreate it from the bits I know.  I know what time her birth mom went to the hospital, and when she started pushing.  So...I tell her around 10:00 the night before her birth mom started feeling funny.  She was taken to the hospital.  She felt pain off and on all night.  Then around 7:00 the next morning, she started screaming, "SHE'S COMING!  SHE'S COMING!"  And at 7:44 a.m. a beautiful 5 pound 14 ounce, and 19 inch long girl was born three weeks early.  She was happy and healthy.

But more recently, she has started asking, "Tell me about my adoption."

I say, "There were tons of kids pictures.  And I kept looking for the right kid.  Then one day, they sent me the picture of this little girl with braids and a dimple. I heard about how charming and sweet she was.  And even though she had some anger problems, I said, "That's my girl.  That's the one I want."  I ran around the office showing everyone your picture.  But it's not that easy.  It took a lot of work to be able to adopt you.  I did a lot of stuff, and I waited and waited, and bugged people until finally they said you were mine! 

Then I met you and you said, "Hi, I'm tall, and I'm going to call you Mommy."  That was the happiest day of my life!

Now...my little girl is turning 10!  It's her second birthday with me.  She is nervous.  She said 10 is two numbers and then puberty!

I feel like she is growing so quickly and there is so little time before this child, who I'm just getting to know, flies the coop.

Happy Birthday Dee!!!  Love, Mommy

A "Normal" Day

Today we had a normal day.  Not our normal, but the kind of normal that most people have everyday.  We had a clean up day.  Dee is better at it than I am, so I still have work to do.  But her contribution really helped.  She was working off a debt.  Then I took her to buy the hook she wanted to hang her netting for a canopy feel to her bed.

At some point, she took the TV from the basement and put it in her room.  She had a TV in her room once, and it did not work.  She had to hang up a contract to keep it.  It says she must be 100% responsible with the TV.  No TV before school, church or any early Saturday activity.  No TV after bedtime.  No watching any channel I have blocked on the living room TV.   No second chances.

When she prayed tonight, she asked God to let us have more days like this.  To let me know she had made her decision, and she would be a more respectful girl.  (In therapy, she refused to make the commitment.)  She was very happy and loving.  I hope it doesn't scare her and she just continues this way.

Socially Inadequate

Dee's friend who spends some weekends with her dad is here.  I told Dee she was here.  Dee wore a skirt that took a lot of convincing of me that it met the minimum length for skirts in our house.  She put on jewelry.  She took her purse, and went to play.  Then, when she got outside, her bike seat was too hot for that short skirt, so she came back in.

I was watching from the window and saw R, and A (Dee's closest friend on the block) hug because they were happy to see each other.  Now, I'd expect when Dee got outside and saw both of her friends, she'd be overjoyed.

Noooo...she looked over at the girls with darts of hate and jealousy.  A said something, but Dee just sat there.  She pulled her non-working cell phone from her purse and may a pretend call.  She got on the bike, off the bike.  Sipped some ice, on the bike, off the bike.  Then she rode around the block several times until they must have begged her to come play.

I was watching and shaking my head.  She's heard nothing I've said about having friends, sharing friends, etc.  My little socially inept extrovert...what am I going to do with her?

Crazy Activity

Today, Dee and I sat down and shopped on the adoption site for a sibling.  (NO...WE ARE NOT GETTING ONE...IT'S JUST PRETEND!)  I looked for cute little girls who were younger than Dee.  But when you read about them, they sound just like her.  She looked for African American boys who had similar issues to her, and did not have siblings that they wanted to maintain contact with.  She said if we got a girl, she would need to be a baby.  She didn't want to compete.  And if the boy had issues, then she could help him! (How funny is that!?)  She would like to get her older brother, but that's just bad news.

We may do respite this weekend for a girl.  I don't know her age or anything except she has a high level of care.  Dee is OK with that...well, until she comes.

The 4th Grade Trip

Dee and I were not getting along when we went on the 4th grade trip.  She was in the throes of non-compliance and definance.  But she was the least of my problems on the trip.

It was a 6-hour roundtrip ride with three other moms.  I must say, I had very little in common with these ladies.  They were all younger than I am.  They all seemed very materialistic.  I believe they were showing off for me, and trying to up one another.  I just rolled my eyes on the way there.  On the way back, I thought about my aching feet.  But it did make me understand what Dee must go through at school.  Their children are her classmates.  I'm busy teaching her "People are more important than things."  And she is competing against some serious materialistic ideas.

We visited the state capital.  It was fun to tour the capitol, the supreme court building and a nature center.  The children did great.  I could see how Dee lagged behind her peers both academically and socially. 

The Straw

Have you heard of the straw?  No...not a drinking straw, THE straw!  You know, the one that broke the camel's back?  Well, I know how that straw feels.  It's not something huge that breaks it.  It's just one more thing when you can't take anymore.

Last week, I picked Dee up at school.  I asked, "How was school?  How did your work on your science fair go?"  She said with that nasty attitude I don't like:  "What?  Fine."  And I blew!  I just about had all the nasty attitude I could take.  With me disregulated, it meant things went downhill fast!

I was not taking any attitude and she was only giving it.  The next day on the way to school, I threatened to kick her out of the car.  When we got to school, she slowly got out of the car, and I walked to the building and back to the car, and she was still just getting out.  So I jumped in the car, and told her stay in.  We're going home.

I asked her if she wanted to spend the day with me or go to juvie!  She didn't answer.  (They were both horrible choices and she knew it.)  So, I drove past the house straight to the police station.  (One of us was going to end up in jail, and I decided it was better if it was not me.)  She begged and pleaded.  I made her write a contract, and then I took her back to school.   The understanding is if she pulls any of her current attitude or stunts I will say, "In the car" and if she doesn't go, I'll call the police.

I talked with friends who said this is how girls talk when they hit puberty.  You have to let it roll off your back.  I decided it may be the way girls want to talk when they hit puberty, but it's not going to be the way my girls talks.  She is not even 10 yet, and we have these issues.  What will I do with a 16 year old if I let her get away with this stuff?

Things have been better since that day.  If she puts any edge to her voice, I say "Tone" and she remembers the contract and straightens up. 

I do wish I could get her to straighten up without fear of police, but. it's them now or later.  So, if I get their help now, then later she may not be a customer of theirs.

Grumpy Gus

In this house lives Grump Gus I (Dee) and Grumpy Gus II (me).  I became a GG because of GG1.  And...it's not fun!  Sometimes, I am just too tired to live through my times with Dee again so my blog has been neglected. Dee has had some good days.  Right now, she is lying for no reason and being just disrespectful.  If she wants to get me riled...she has found the right buttons!

I am bribing her with her school field trip for behavior right now.  If she really wants to go, she will be respecful.

Dee bought a bike at the neighborhood garage sale.  The dogs enjoy riding in the baby seat that it has.  I like seeing the girls on a bonding activity.

This week, Dee is the featured student (Top Dog) in her classroom.  Tomorrow, she will be honored and I'll read a book.  Yesterday, she did the student conference.  She did well.  Not consistently performing at school, but we all agree she has made great progress.  Her moods impact her learning greatly.

I love it when she smiles, but she hasn't smiled much recently.  I hope this period passes soon and she can be her real self for both of our sakes!

Weekend

This weekend, I told my child that I wasn't going to cook.  She, the dogs, and I would walk to Sonic and eat.  The next thing I know, other children had invited themselves.  It was a fun time.  Today, I watched the girls play well together, so I decided to take them to a movie as a reward.

One girl is 13, mine is 9 -- almost 10, and one is 8.  Emotionally, they are all about the same age.  The little 13 year old told us she is now living with her grandfather because last week her stepdad raped her.  Her greatest fear is that she will be forced to go back home. 

When we came back from the movies, I dropped her off first, and she cried.  She is one child who does not feel safe.  I feel bad for her.  I told her that the investigations would take a while, and they would make sure she was safe before they sent her back, and that made her happy.  That's how it should happen, I hope it does.  Her grandfather said he doesn't know if she is here for a week, a few weeks, or a lifetime.  I've known her for years because she does come to spend time with her grandfather.

My daughter realized this was a good weekend.  She took her her shower, and said, "Mom, I feel like I'm going to cry."  I told her it was either from too much good or she was sad about the story her friend told.  I think it's the former.   But I'm not sure...  It is the second time she has had a difficult reaction.  Friday, I wanted to use another friend's experience as a teaching moment.  I told her that the little kindergartner has a friend at school who was touching her inappropriately.  Dee yelled, "ASK EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, DO I CARE?  NO I DO NOT!" 

So many kids hurting.  How do teachers even begin to teach?!  It's pretty sad. 

Therapy Insights

I asked the our therapist to switch us from Individual Therapy to Family Therapy.  She usually alternated, but I wanted her to know what I wanted the emphasis to be.  She said she had to submit additional paperwork to the insurance company to have it qualify, but I think she must have done that.  She mentioned to Dee that we were now doing Family therapy.

Dee had to explain a lot in this past session.  She was telling the therapist that when I gave her a compliment recently she didn't like it in her heart.  I told her she sounded like she liked it, and she said, "I didn't."  Then she told the therapist that she liked the full happy balloon-like feeling she gets in her heart when she manages to get me to get a growl and mean looking face.

Two things I can think of:  I need to stop caving in and becoming angry.  I can beat this.  And what did they do to my child that anger is a more comfortable feeling then happiness?

Dee also recently told me that sometimes she doesn't like me.  I told her it was OK because sometimes I didn't like the things she does.  She said, "That's the difference between us:  I don't like you, and you don't like the things I do."   I said good point.  I shouldn't make so many sacrifices for someone who doesn't like me.

We are a typical dysfunctional family.  We usually look OK on the outside, but what a mess we really are!!!

Downward Spiral

Each year our school district has a Father/Daughter dance and Mother/Son field day.  Last year, Dee was new and we were unprepared.  This year, she called my friend's husband and asked him to be her date.

He arrived with a corsage, and treated her like a queen.  We all waited to eat until after their time at the dance.  We sent two extroverts, so it was very late when they finally returned.

We had a great time after at dinner.  Dee was on cloud 9!  I warned her not to mess up the day with a bad one.

So...of course, the next morning while I was in the bathroom, Dee woke up, stole my car keys, and went to the car.  She was sitting in the car, with it running.  The parking lights were on, the trip odometer had been reset, the gas door was open, the trunk was popped, and she looked glassy-eyed.  Fortunately, we park outside.  Her response to my screaming and flailing my arms wildly while asking what she was doing, was "I had to turn on the heat."  Later, she said, "I was looking for things." 

Before she went to bed, I told her that if she continued to do dangerous things she'd kill herself.  She said, "Mom...that's the point." 

Perhaps I am mean.  I just said, "If you are looking for someone to say, "Oh poor Dee..."  Look elsewhere.  That's between you and God.  Only He gives life and only he can take it away.  You answer to him."

Her therapist assured her she didn't want to miss things in her future.  Her psychiatrist told her she'd hurt a lot of people.

I wish I could say that was the end of the downward spiral, but it's not.

She also didn't go to a classroom she was suppose to go to at school.  Went to the music teacher instead.  She wasn't there, so Dee stole items from her desk instead.  So she just finished two days of suspension.

The therapist said Dee is very uncomfortable with good.  But she needed to keep getting it in small doses to get use to it.

Today was a good day...pray for me tomorrow!

Fostering

Yesterday, Dee and I picked up CoaCoa.  She is an 11-month old Shih-Poo doggie.  We are her foster family.  I just was missing having a foster dog in the house, and our rescue was desperate for a foster home.  But...I think it is going to be a great teaching moment.  In the 24 hours CoaCoa has been in our house, we have had a lot of time to talk about foster care.  It's easy to see even though Dee lived foster care, she lived it with assumptions and misreadings.

When they can't take it anymore, you are moved.  That's what Dee said happened in her first foster home.She had a tantrum, and they moved her.  I knew she felt she was the reason she was moved, but I thought it was because she had lied on the foster family...her normal m.o.  I mentioned that foster families usually stop fostering because of health, jobs, family or moving.  She said, "Oh yeah...I do remember they mentioned something about moving.  I forgot."  I told her it was probably coincidence that she had a tantrum the same day she was scheduled to move.

We are her foster family.  Our job is to make sure she is ready for her forever family.  That's what I tell her about the dog.  She is finding out you can love your foster, but you still have to let them go.  When this doggie is adopted, she will be sad.  But she will finally get -- I think -- that her foster mother didn't get rid of her because she didn't like her, but because she did her job.  She got her ready for her forever home.

These are big concepts that she has to re-think, but I'm excited that she is open and verbal.  Crossing my fingers that a scared little dog can teach a scared little girl a big lesson.

The Good Twin is Here

Today, we were home for spring break.  I made Dee get up at 9:00.  It's three hours later than normal.  She asked why we couldn't sleep late here like she did at her foster home.  I told her we had schedules to keep, but she did sleep late.

She started on the school work she had to do.  She finished cleaning her bedroom.  And was overall pleasant.

She then played outside, watched TV.

She got to be a bit snotty and whiny this afternoon, but for Dee it was a great day.  I'm going to say the good twin came, we'll call her "Glee."

Wrong Heart to Worship God

Yesterday was Sunday.  It was a big day for both Dee and me.  She had Bible Drill practice and pizza, and I had four free hours!  We were both excited.  However, ODD Dee woke up.  When I reminded her of the special day, she whined, "Do I have to go?"  I'm rolling my eyes.  It's all she has talked about for two weeks!  So then she lolly-gagged for Sunday school, and whined and just did not cooperate.  I took my child with hair uncombed to church.  I was mad.  (See bad attitude.)  I told her in the car that she was not invited to Sunday School.  I teach her class, and will not let her upset my class.

So for the second service, I had her sit with the teacher who teaches the first class.  If I didn't think it would have been a reward, I would have let her go to that class.  After Sunday School I let her stay for the pizza party.  I couldn't give her what she wanted that day, and I really wanted my free four hours.  During her sitting through service for the second time, she wrote a list of things she would do or not do:
Clean up every room in the house.  No TV, computer, electronics.  Walk the dogs.  Etc.

She seemed to have had a good time at the Bible drill party.  She learned a little.  Her attitude was better.
I had lunch with a friend.  Then I shopped for a shower gift.  Dropped in at the shower, (also at the church), and picked up Dee.  It went fast, but it was stress-free time.

Reset

We had therapy on Tuesday.  Our therapist is excellent at being our reset button.  We usually walk out with a plan to do something different.  It was a lot more subtle that day.  But it seems individually, we both made plans to change.

Dee said her therapist told her to write down when she wanted to be mean and let's see what the emotion is when she wants to pee.  She told her to put on green glasses with me, and try to see good.  She even sent me a text message  to see what color Dee used one day.

I went to a forum of adult adoptees and got some advice on how Dee might be feeling about her birth mother.  That has helped me approach it from another direction.