Eureka!

Today, we had therapy for the first time in three weeks.  I shared with the therapist some things in e-mail, and then we chatted as a group of three before she took her to the back.  As I was explaining what my friends saw when they were with Dee while I was traveling, some things became clear.

Dee did not know emotions when she first came.  We spent a lot of therapy time teaching her that everything doesn't mean anger.  She learned what the different emotions felt like.  We didn't realize she didn't really get what the different emotions should look like from her perspective.  She knew how others should look, but not from her perspective.  For example, when I came back and picked Dee up on my way from the airport and she was angry, my friends assured me that she desperately missed me.  We were confused.  As I relayed it to the therapist, it became clear that she was not showing what she felt.  She was showing anger.  The only emotion she ever knew.  Eureka!

The therapist told her it must be very confusing.  When you think your friends should be compassionate and caring, they are angry and you don't know why.  Then I said, it confuses me when I think you should be happy or thoughtful, and instead you seem mad or angry.  The therapist told me to keep it focused on how it impacts her.  How the confusion boomerangs back to her.  We told her that when she learned that all big feelings don't have the same response, then it will get better.

It explained a lot of our communication problem.  We got to this place because my friends who helped take care of Dee when I was out of town, all were able to see how much she missed me.  They all able to see that Dee's reaction when I got home, and they knew it did not match her feelings.  It was very helpful.

So...we now have something specific to work on.