Moving...Not Always Forward

It's so hard. When your little girl is busy trying to attach even though she is a RADdie, and she enters puberty and she is trying to detach and you start her on birth control and her strong emotions are even more intensified. It's hard. It's hard for me and it's hard for her. Sometimes, I can step back and look at what it must feel to be her. But many times, I can only look at what it must be to be me. Dee told her therapist that she is more aware that she is not as smart as other children. She is too dark. And that it seems like I don't like her. She is not as smart as most kids. Well...she is. But she processes things so slowly, she cannot show it because they have moved on when she gets to the answer. She is not too dark. I started teaching her stuff I learned growing up. "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." "Black is beautiful." She is offended by "black," so we have to say "African American." And sometimes, I don't like her. But I have to make sure she knows I always love her. The next day we went to the psychiatrist's office, and she was feeling much better. She is an "in the moment" child. She didn't like that I brought up concerns from the past three months...she considers that done. She did tell the doctor I was strict, but had a hard time coming up with one of my strict rules. We instituted mandatory game time. We play everyday. I am queen of "Mystery Date." I have had several dates with "bicycle picnic boy." She could not play that game two Christmases ago, but she has caught up to it. You can't have more than six cards, and now if she has 8 cards, she can easily put back two. Before, it was too hard, she couldn't process it fast enough. Next week, we go to her birth control appointment. We may switch her to a pill to see if her hormones can be a little more even. If they think it will even out some, I'd rather leave her on the shot. It means we don't have a daily reminder of this decision. I'm reading a good book for parents of girls going through adolescence: "Get Out of My Life. But First Can You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" It is normalizing some of her behaviors. I have such a hard time deciding what is normal. We move on. One step forward and many steps backwards...but always moving.