Dee's special ed teacher sent an e-mail on Friday saying that Dee had a nasty attitude and was refusing to do her work, and the work she did was super sloppy. She said she would be sending it home for her to do at home. I read "nasty attitude." She hit the nail on the head. There's no other way to describe it. But I must be getting smarter, because I also knew that was a sign of guilt. I told her Dee was feeling guilty. I'd be checking for things she may have taken.
The teacher must have just asked Dee, "Do you have anything that doesn't belong to you?" Dee told her she had some lip gloss and perfume she had taken from me. Yup...she had stolen two items from a birthday present I received. The teacher was then suspicious so she went with Dee to her regular class to put them in her bag. She asked her where her see-through lunch bag was and she said at home. She asked where she had gotten the one she had, and she said the lost and found. Then they found she had stolen a kid who was at the gifted program's snack. It was a long day!
I asked the teacher to turn the incident in to the office. She was hesitant, but I want to teach Dee that the consequences of her action are real.
When I picked Dee up, she wasn't sure what was going to happen. I never left the school parking lot. I told her I knew she could grow up and be a therapist or teacher or a mommy. I asked her what she wanted to be. Then I told her it didn't seem like that what's she wanted to be, it seems like she wants to be a thief. She said sometimes she can't help herself. I told her I didn't buy it. I reminded her that I tried to help her by sewing her pockets closed, and she took scissors and opened a space to steal.
I told her I had run out of options of trying to help her. I suggest she remembers all the things she learned in therapy and home and come up with a plan.
She almost made two weeks of school....almost.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ready, Set, School Year!
Dee has been doing better since she earned the right to call me mom. I heard a bit of disrespect in answer today, but she changed it pretty quickly. I'm trying to show her if she can be respectful for 24 hours, then she can do it for 48, or 72 or 96. One of her problems is she defines herself by past bad decisions and actions. And she learns to like that definition.
She started classes this week. After the porn incidents, I ran through things I had learned in my MAPP class in preparing for adoption, and decided that busyness would be the way to go. Monday, she had tumbling at 8:00 p.m. She enjoyed it. Tuesday, she had Hip Hop, Tap and Ballet class. She loved them all! I'm pleased. She is taking the dance classes and the tumbling class for $96 a month. It may actually be worth it.
I let her ride the school bus for the first time today. I'm home recuperating, so she was able to get on the bus. I will pick her up. Because we have our other activity today...therapy! :)
Last night I went to the Parent Orientation. A mom hijacked the presentation. She talked non-stop about her daughter being in the gifted program, needing to read difficult books, wanting to start her science fair with plenty of notice. The teacher could not get control back. That makes me worry how she is going teach my little ADHD child.
All homework this year is optional. It sounds good, but it just means my child will not catch up very much.
She started classes this week. After the porn incidents, I ran through things I had learned in my MAPP class in preparing for adoption, and decided that busyness would be the way to go. Monday, she had tumbling at 8:00 p.m. She enjoyed it. Tuesday, she had Hip Hop, Tap and Ballet class. She loved them all! I'm pleased. She is taking the dance classes and the tumbling class for $96 a month. It may actually be worth it.
I let her ride the school bus for the first time today. I'm home recuperating, so she was able to get on the bus. I will pick her up. Because we have our other activity today...therapy! :)
Last night I went to the Parent Orientation. A mom hijacked the presentation. She talked non-stop about her daughter being in the gifted program, needing to read difficult books, wanting to start her science fair with plenty of notice. The teacher could not get control back. That makes me worry how she is going teach my little ADHD child.
All homework this year is optional. It sounds good, but it just means my child will not catch up very much.
Monday, August 22, 2011
So sick...
I'm so sick. It looks and feels like a sinus infection. However, I just threw up everything I ate for the last two days including my new antibiotic which is burning my throat.
I would just plan not to go to work tomorrow, but my boss and coworker both have children having surgery tomorrow. I have to go in. I'm running a fever, throwing up on one end, peeing on the other...it's not pretty! Oh well....
I won't eat. And maybe the meds will have some effect either going down or coming back up!
I would just plan not to go to work tomorrow, but my boss and coworker both have children having surgery tomorrow. I have to go in. I'm running a fever, throwing up on one end, peeing on the other...it's not pretty! Oh well....
I won't eat. And maybe the meds will have some effect either going down or coming back up!
But I want to call you mom...
At church on Sunday, I didn't take communion because I knew my heart was too angry to fellowship so closely with my Lord. Dee did take communion.
After church, I took a nap because I wasn't feeling well, and she entertained herself by playing with her friends through the window, planning bake sales.
At some point, I tried to talk to her about her recent behavior. She wasn't ready, and it escalated. She became defi\ant and grabbed her luggage and packed. I was ready for her to go. She even got snotty about something and I told her if she did it again, I'd hurt her. Yes, I meant it. She said, "You can't, nah so there." I told her to test me...do it again. It's apparent she believed me more than she believed herself. (Good judgment!)
Eventually the police came. The officer likes Dee and wanted to assure her all was well, but at the same time, he was a little firmer than he has been in the past. When he left her room, he was concerned that she was concerned about not calling me mom. I talked of her disobedience and disrespect. He assured me he had a 10-year old child, and she was both disobedient and disrespectful. That's how they are. I told him that I was sorry it was OK in his house, because in my house, it is not OK. Disrespect is never tolerated, and that is double with mom.
Before they left, he made her take all her things back to her room. I made her continue with her assignments: bath, etc. And later we talked. She said calling me mom really calms her and makes her feel at home. I told her it was not all about her. In our family, Mom is respected. And if she couldn't do that, she did not earn the right to call me mom. (I feel calling me mom came too easily for her.) I also talked to her about her idea that I should be thankful that I got to adopt her and be grateful for her issues. And I told her I was grateful for adopting her, but I expected the issues to be worked on. I told her I was not sad and hoping for a kid before she came. I was a very happy person. She could check the story with everyone she knows. I didn't NEED a kid, I wanted a kid. Never confuse it.
We agreed with 24-hours of total respect, she would be able to call me mom again. She is on! She has not said anything disrespecflu or snotty all day. I wish I would have said 48 hours. I'm hoping for a slip-up.
After church, I took a nap because I wasn't feeling well, and she entertained herself by playing with her friends through the window, planning bake sales.
At some point, I tried to talk to her about her recent behavior. She wasn't ready, and it escalated. She became defi\ant and grabbed her luggage and packed. I was ready for her to go. She even got snotty about something and I told her if she did it again, I'd hurt her. Yes, I meant it. She said, "You can't, nah so there." I told her to test me...do it again. It's apparent she believed me more than she believed herself. (Good judgment!)
Eventually the police came. The officer likes Dee and wanted to assure her all was well, but at the same time, he was a little firmer than he has been in the past. When he left her room, he was concerned that she was concerned about not calling me mom. I talked of her disobedience and disrespect. He assured me he had a 10-year old child, and she was both disobedient and disrespectful. That's how they are. I told him that I was sorry it was OK in his house, because in my house, it is not OK. Disrespect is never tolerated, and that is double with mom.
Before they left, he made her take all her things back to her room. I made her continue with her assignments: bath, etc. And later we talked. She said calling me mom really calms her and makes her feel at home. I told her it was not all about her. In our family, Mom is respected. And if she couldn't do that, she did not earn the right to call me mom. (I feel calling me mom came too easily for her.) I also talked to her about her idea that I should be thankful that I got to adopt her and be grateful for her issues. And I told her I was grateful for adopting her, but I expected the issues to be worked on. I told her I was not sad and hoping for a kid before she came. I was a very happy person. She could check the story with everyone she knows. I didn't NEED a kid, I wanted a kid. Never confuse it.
We agreed with 24-hours of total respect, she would be able to call me mom again. She is on! She has not said anything disrespecflu or snotty all day. I wish I would have said 48 hours. I'm hoping for a slip-up.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Remaking our Relationship
It occurs to me that this effort to make Dee feel like she is part of my family and that she has a new mom is wasted effort. Dee doesn't want a new mom. She doesn't want to be a part of the family. What Dee needs is a chance to be the best her she can be however that may be. But it's not just about Dee, I have some say about my needs too. I need to live my life, and it should not always be strife and chaos.
I've spent the past few years either preparing for the child I was going to adopt, or changing my life for the child I am adopting. I didn't expect anything in return, but I did get some things. I got disobedience, disrespect and snottiness. Really...I'd rather had nothing.
Yesterday Miss Dee decided to sneak something to school. Sure, it was day four. I know we hadn't talk about it since day one. She has a see-through book bag, and a see-through lunch bag. I caught the lip gloss. But she had hidden in her emergency kit for her period all of the used gift cards and loyalty cards she collected, and an electronic toy. I threw away the entire kit.
Unfortunately, I had just asked her friend's mother if she could go to the movies with us. So even after I found the stuff, I took her to the movie.
When we got home, I asked about the flashlight I use when I walk the dogs. She had snuck (past tense of sneak) it to her room and hidden it. That was it! I am tired of living in a house full of lies and sneakiness. While I yelled about the sneakiness, she answered with the fact that I knew she was a sneak when I adopted her.
Well....I'm done. I have decided to raise her the best way I can, but not as my daughter. Just as a child in my house. I've asked her to call me Gale. If being my child and calling me Mom is so much stress that she is a thief, then forget it. Be honest, be kind...call me legal guardian.
I've spent the past few years either preparing for the child I was going to adopt, or changing my life for the child I am adopting. I didn't expect anything in return, but I did get some things. I got disobedience, disrespect and snottiness. Really...I'd rather had nothing.
Yesterday Miss Dee decided to sneak something to school. Sure, it was day four. I know we hadn't talk about it since day one. She has a see-through book bag, and a see-through lunch bag. I caught the lip gloss. But she had hidden in her emergency kit for her period all of the used gift cards and loyalty cards she collected, and an electronic toy. I threw away the entire kit.
Unfortunately, I had just asked her friend's mother if she could go to the movies with us. So even after I found the stuff, I took her to the movie.
When we got home, I asked about the flashlight I use when I walk the dogs. She had snuck (past tense of sneak) it to her room and hidden it. That was it! I am tired of living in a house full of lies and sneakiness. While I yelled about the sneakiness, she answered with the fact that I knew she was a sneak when I adopted her.
Well....I'm done. I have decided to raise her the best way I can, but not as my daughter. Just as a child in my house. I've asked her to call me Gale. If being my child and calling me Mom is so much stress that she is a thief, then forget it. Be honest, be kind...call me legal guardian.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
5th Grade
Dee started 5th grade yesterday. She had a great day. At her school, they have a "Back to School Night" the day before the first day of school. At that event, you meet your teacher, see your desk and take your supplies. When we left the event, Dee was suddenly excited.
After school, she went with a friend for ice cream. Then she talked non-stop about her day. She actually gave details. She said she loved her teacher several times. Besides Mrs. C.'s apparent sense of humor, she also told the story of how she adopted her child as a baby. She told the kids about how she felt and how the birth mom felt. Dee said she felt a spark when she told that story. I suspect she added such details because she knew she had a child with RAD in her class.
After a very successful day at school, Dee came home and made dinner for me. We had a wonderful meal of pasta with butter, toast with egg in the middle, and cheesy tortilla.
What a perfectly nice day! I'm sure the happy part of school will wear off, but I'm glad it started off this way!
After school, she went with a friend for ice cream. Then she talked non-stop about her day. She actually gave details. She said she loved her teacher several times. Besides Mrs. C.'s apparent sense of humor, she also told the story of how she adopted her child as a baby. She told the kids about how she felt and how the birth mom felt. Dee said she felt a spark when she told that story. I suspect she added such details because she knew she had a child with RAD in her class.
After a very successful day at school, Dee came home and made dinner for me. We had a wonderful meal of pasta with butter, toast with egg in the middle, and cheesy tortilla.
What a perfectly nice day! I'm sure the happy part of school will wear off, but I'm glad it started off this way!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Meeting Family!
I am very close to my family, but you wouldn't be able to tell by how often I get to see them. I took Dee home for the first time this weekend. Well, let me do the whole story...
On Saturday morning, I woke Dee up telling her let's go! Today is our trip to visit family. I knew she was excited about going to an airport, and riding a plane for the first time. It didn't make it any easier to wake her up!
She did great on the plane, and was at home immediately in my mom's house. She didn't cling to me ever! My siblings and nieces and nephews treated her with way more kindness than we tend to give in our family. She was having a ball! A family party was thrown in her and my mom's honor.
She had a more difficult time in a mixed crowd (adults and children). She picked one person, a cousin, and hung with her playing on the computer in the living room. She did play outside and got to be with bigger cousins. I saw that my little extrovert is an introvert when more boisterous children. She had a ball, and wanted to stay there. When my sister said she couldn't wait to see her again, Dee replied she'd be back by herself next time.
Dee and my mom had bonded by phone, and they both did well in person. My personal favorite time was when Dee said something not so kind to or about me, and my 13-year old niece was walking by. She said, "You better not ever talk to my aunt that way. If you do, you will answer to me."
It was a great trip. Lots of family, party, a little sight seeing!
On Saturday morning, I woke Dee up telling her let's go! Today is our trip to visit family. I knew she was excited about going to an airport, and riding a plane for the first time. It didn't make it any easier to wake her up!
She did great on the plane, and was at home immediately in my mom's house. She didn't cling to me ever! My siblings and nieces and nephews treated her with way more kindness than we tend to give in our family. She was having a ball! A family party was thrown in her and my mom's honor.
She had a more difficult time in a mixed crowd (adults and children). She picked one person, a cousin, and hung with her playing on the computer in the living room. She did play outside and got to be with bigger cousins. I saw that my little extrovert is an introvert when more boisterous children. She had a ball, and wanted to stay there. When my sister said she couldn't wait to see her again, Dee replied she'd be back by herself next time.
Dee and my mom had bonded by phone, and they both did well in person. My personal favorite time was when Dee said something not so kind to or about me, and my 13-year old niece was walking by. She said, "You better not ever talk to my aunt that way. If you do, you will answer to me."
It was a great trip. Lots of family, party, a little sight seeing!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Last weekend, we returned the laptop I bought Dee for school. I knew she didn't deserve it, but I wanted to show her that I believed in her so she could have good things. Of course, the one time I let her on my sign-in for 15 - 30 minutes, she went straight to porn. I went bananas.We took the computer back to the store. Later, when I felt calmer, I asked her if she wanted to be caught because she knew I would check. She said that she knew she couldn't do it, so she didn't try not to be caught. In the end, she felt some relief as I took pretty much everything of hers away. Her therapist said she is screaming to me that she can't handle the stuff I'm giving her.
We got the name of her teacher in the mail. I wrote the teacher a letter explaining to her some things to expect from Dee. It was hard to know what was the right thing to say, but as I writing it, Dee did enough things that I realized full disclosure was in order.
My daughter, Dee, will be in your class this upcoming year. We can’t wait to know you better. I wanted to tell you about my girl. I know…all parents think their kids are special and probably tell you things, but I think with a little information, we will all have a more successful year.
I’m sure you have learned some things about Dee from Mrs. H, Mrs. G and Dr. R. But I would like to tell you about my special little girl. She is a sweet, witty and charming girl. She is very empathetic. She is drawn to people hurting and she wants to be helpful. She has the ability to memorize the right phrase, sentence, etc., for the appropriate occasion whether she understands it or not. She can be very delightful and a joy to be around. She is an adopted child.
She also has some challenges. She was neglected and abused in her first home for nearly six years. She spent more than two years in foster care. She came to me in March 2010. She is as traumatized by the actual removal from her birth mother as she was by the abuse. These things have led to a wide range of alphabet diagnoses: RAD (reactive attachment disorder), PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and ADHD and others which may or may not still apply.
Dee takes medication. Please know that I will never willingly send her to school without her meds. You will recognize pretty quickly if she did not take them, if so please let me know, and send her to the nurse’s office. Mrs. B keeps an emergency supply. Dee will always think she has taken it because all the days of medication taking gets jumbled so asking her may not yield an accurate answer.
Dee struggles academically. She has some dyslexia. She cannot grasp math concepts. Schoolwork is not fun since she struggles, so she really does not like it and can be lazy. She has made phenomenal progress since she started at this school, but she is not on grade level yet. She does know how to get by. She will watch other kids, let her group members do her work, whatever she has to do to get by. This affects her self-esteem greatly.
Dee has impulse control issues. She steals. It can be something small or not. If she really likes an adult, she may take something to have of theirs (RAD); or she may just see an opportunity and go for it. Her backpack and lunch bag are see-through this year. I will check them, and you may feel free to do the same. Her meds do help with this, and if it is a consistent problem, then it’s probably time for a medication adjustment.
Dee lies. She has two situations which will cause her to lie. The first is when she is confronted. In confronting her, it’s better to just make a statement rather than ask a question because she will lie. (Instead of” Dee are you doing your work?” It’s just better to say, “Dee, I said I want everyone to be working now.”) The other situation is to get attention from you. Any attention is good attention to her. She tends to tell stories for this kind of lie. She may tell sad stories of foster care, or family members, or they could just as well be exciting and happy stories. I have found that if Dee tells you a story, and your reaction is “awww” or “ooooh” or “wow” or tears, then you should double-check it. It’s probably not true! You can always verify facts with me in a quick e-mail even if it’s insignificant so you can get a feel for what is true and what is not.
Dee will try to triangulate. She will try to make sure you and I are not aware of what she is doing when she is with the other person. She may tell me that she didn’t have any homework or lie if it’s in her agenda and say it doesn’t apply to her. She may tell you that she didn’t get to do it because I wouldn’t let her because …[fill in the blank.]
You may be wondering why any mom would tell you so much about her child so early. I don’t want Dee to be treated special. In fact, my goal is to get her in line with her peers academically and behaviorally. I care that she learns, but not so much that she makes great grades. I think with a little awareness, you will be able to help her accomplish the goals I have for her. Without the awareness, I think priorities will get misplaced and her educational opportunities will suffer. The history and challenges I listed are real, but Dee really is the little girl I talked about in the second paragraph in her heart and most of the time. She just requires a bit stronger boundaries than other 10 year olds. I know you are going to love getting to know her. Please feel free to call or e-mail me at any time. I have no greater priority in my life right now than Dee.
I got a nice response back saying that the information was valuable, and she thought the set up of fifth grade would really help Dee out. I never doubted the school would give her the best teacher they had for her challenges, but I was hoping that one of the three teachers would be right. I'm hopeful!
Today was the last day of Summer Day Camp. Next year, she will go to the middle school day camp. She had an emotional day since she was saying good-bye to some friends she will not see again.
Saturday is a big day. Not only does Roxy turn 7 years old...Dee and I are going to my hometown. Dee has never met her extended family. It should be a chaotic and fun time. It makes me tired to think about it.
My big stressor this week was my brakes started squealing. $300 later, all is good with the car, but not the pocketbook!
We got the name of her teacher in the mail. I wrote the teacher a letter explaining to her some things to expect from Dee. It was hard to know what was the right thing to say, but as I writing it, Dee did enough things that I realized full disclosure was in order.
My daughter, Dee, will be in your class this upcoming year. We can’t wait to know you better. I wanted to tell you about my girl. I know…all parents think their kids are special and probably tell you things, but I think with a little information, we will all have a more successful year.
I’m sure you have learned some things about Dee from Mrs. H, Mrs. G and Dr. R. But I would like to tell you about my special little girl. She is a sweet, witty and charming girl. She is very empathetic. She is drawn to people hurting and she wants to be helpful. She has the ability to memorize the right phrase, sentence, etc., for the appropriate occasion whether she understands it or not. She can be very delightful and a joy to be around. She is an adopted child.
She also has some challenges. She was neglected and abused in her first home for nearly six years. She spent more than two years in foster care. She came to me in March 2010. She is as traumatized by the actual removal from her birth mother as she was by the abuse. These things have led to a wide range of alphabet diagnoses: RAD (reactive attachment disorder), PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and ADHD and others which may or may not still apply.
Dee takes medication. Please know that I will never willingly send her to school without her meds. You will recognize pretty quickly if she did not take them, if so please let me know, and send her to the nurse’s office. Mrs. B keeps an emergency supply. Dee will always think she has taken it because all the days of medication taking gets jumbled so asking her may not yield an accurate answer.
Dee struggles academically. She has some dyslexia. She cannot grasp math concepts. Schoolwork is not fun since she struggles, so she really does not like it and can be lazy. She has made phenomenal progress since she started at this school, but she is not on grade level yet. She does know how to get by. She will watch other kids, let her group members do her work, whatever she has to do to get by. This affects her self-esteem greatly.
Dee has impulse control issues. She steals. It can be something small or not. If she really likes an adult, she may take something to have of theirs (RAD); or she may just see an opportunity and go for it. Her backpack and lunch bag are see-through this year. I will check them, and you may feel free to do the same. Her meds do help with this, and if it is a consistent problem, then it’s probably time for a medication adjustment.
Dee lies. She has two situations which will cause her to lie. The first is when she is confronted. In confronting her, it’s better to just make a statement rather than ask a question because she will lie. (Instead of” Dee are you doing your work?” It’s just better to say, “Dee, I said I want everyone to be working now.”) The other situation is to get attention from you. Any attention is good attention to her. She tends to tell stories for this kind of lie. She may tell sad stories of foster care, or family members, or they could just as well be exciting and happy stories. I have found that if Dee tells you a story, and your reaction is “awww” or “ooooh” or “wow” or tears, then you should double-check it. It’s probably not true! You can always verify facts with me in a quick e-mail even if it’s insignificant so you can get a feel for what is true and what is not.
Dee will try to triangulate. She will try to make sure you and I are not aware of what she is doing when she is with the other person. She may tell me that she didn’t have any homework or lie if it’s in her agenda and say it doesn’t apply to her. She may tell you that she didn’t get to do it because I wouldn’t let her because …[fill in the blank.]
You may be wondering why any mom would tell you so much about her child so early. I don’t want Dee to be treated special. In fact, my goal is to get her in line with her peers academically and behaviorally. I care that she learns, but not so much that she makes great grades. I think with a little awareness, you will be able to help her accomplish the goals I have for her. Without the awareness, I think priorities will get misplaced and her educational opportunities will suffer. The history and challenges I listed are real, but Dee really is the little girl I talked about in the second paragraph in her heart and most of the time. She just requires a bit stronger boundaries than other 10 year olds. I know you are going to love getting to know her. Please feel free to call or e-mail me at any time. I have no greater priority in my life right now than Dee.
I got a nice response back saying that the information was valuable, and she thought the set up of fifth grade would really help Dee out. I never doubted the school would give her the best teacher they had for her challenges, but I was hoping that one of the three teachers would be right. I'm hopeful!
Today was the last day of Summer Day Camp. Next year, she will go to the middle school day camp. She had an emotional day since she was saying good-bye to some friends she will not see again.
Saturday is a big day. Not only does Roxy turn 7 years old...Dee and I are going to my hometown. Dee has never met her extended family. It should be a chaotic and fun time. It makes me tired to think about it.
My big stressor this week was my brakes started squealing. $300 later, all is good with the car, but not the pocketbook!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Gotta have it to hide!
I find value in helping others. If I want to feel good about myself, then I bake cookies for someone, visit someone who ill, just do something for someone else. It's not a great resaon to help others, but I sort of just do it because it makes me feel good. We tend to do what makes us feel good.
Things -- actual things -- make Dee feel good. She feels good when she is getting gifts. In the absence of that...she just takes the things. I know she can't feel good about the stealing, but the actual thing...it brings her comfort.
Dee's feel good activity is making me feel very not so good! I marched her into the fourth store to pay for something she stole yesterday. It's always the same.
Me - Excuse me, may I speak to a store manager.
Manager - May I help you?
Me - I'm Gale and this my daughter, Dee. I have discovered we have an item from your store that was not paid for. I think Dee needs to tell you the rest.
[The manager usually will then look at Dee.]
(In her sweetest little girl voice)...
Dee - I took something from your store and I didn't pay for it. I'm very sorry.
Me - How are you going to make it this right?
Dee - I wll pay for it. I will stick by my mom, and I won't do it again.
Manager - I'm sure you are sorry. And you won'at do it again right? Ok.
Me - Just a minute. What's your protocol for shoplifters? What happens if she does it again? Do you have security? Where are they?
Everyone always thinks I'm mean. They always think Dee is sweet and forced into it because of her mean mom. Sometimes I mention it is not her first offense, sometimes I don't.
Her stealing is a habit. It drives me bananas!!!! And the thing she wants so much, she can't use, play or wear because she has to keep it hidden the entire time.
I can remember finding items from the following:
Cell phones: Patricia, School, Barry and me twice
Stores: Build-a-Bear, Petco, CJ Banks, and Power Play
Things -- actual things -- make Dee feel good. She feels good when she is getting gifts. In the absence of that...she just takes the things. I know she can't feel good about the stealing, but the actual thing...it brings her comfort.
Dee's feel good activity is making me feel very not so good! I marched her into the fourth store to pay for something she stole yesterday. It's always the same.
Me - Excuse me, may I speak to a store manager.
Manager - May I help you?
Me - I'm Gale and this my daughter, Dee. I have discovered we have an item from your store that was not paid for. I think Dee needs to tell you the rest.
[The manager usually will then look at Dee.]
(In her sweetest little girl voice)...
Dee - I took something from your store and I didn't pay for it. I'm very sorry.
Me - How are you going to make it this right?
Dee - I wll pay for it. I will stick by my mom, and I won't do it again.
Manager - I'm sure you are sorry. And you won'at do it again right? Ok.
Me - Just a minute. What's your protocol for shoplifters? What happens if she does it again? Do you have security? Where are they?
Everyone always thinks I'm mean. They always think Dee is sweet and forced into it because of her mean mom. Sometimes I mention it is not her first offense, sometimes I don't.
Her stealing is a habit. It drives me bananas!!!! And the thing she wants so much, she can't use, play or wear because she has to keep it hidden the entire time.
I can remember finding items from the following:
Cell phones: Patricia, School, Barry and me twice
Stores: Build-a-Bear, Petco, CJ Banks, and Power Play
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I don't think you're going to be successful
Yup...that's what Dee said when I announced I'd be cutting back on calories to lose weight.
About 8 years ago, I was at my ideal weight. Now...I'm 80 pounds over! That's an extra 10 pounds a year, except 30 - 40 pounds of it came on right after my hysterectomy. I've attempted to lose it but usually didn't feel like it. But I'm at it right now in full force.
My company is participating in a city-wide challenge, and I signed up. My 10-week goal was officially 10 pounds. My real goal is 20. At the end of week one, I had lost four pounds. A good start. I hope for something similar in week two before I start losing the 1 1/2 pounds a week my caloric intake should allow me to lose.
I'm really motivated this time because of my darling daughter. I could say it's because I want to show her that I can make effort to change just like I ask her to do; or I want to be a healthy example for her. But really, it's because when I started, she said, "I don't think you're going to be successful at this." I want to show her never under-estimate me.
I just count calories, and have been doing fine with it. Dee doesn't like it though. She is often trying to tempt me with higher calories food than I need. :) I'm quite certain at the end, it will make an impression on her if I'm successful. Good motivation, huh?
About 8 years ago, I was at my ideal weight. Now...I'm 80 pounds over! That's an extra 10 pounds a year, except 30 - 40 pounds of it came on right after my hysterectomy. I've attempted to lose it but usually didn't feel like it. But I'm at it right now in full force.
My company is participating in a city-wide challenge, and I signed up. My 10-week goal was officially 10 pounds. My real goal is 20. At the end of week one, I had lost four pounds. A good start. I hope for something similar in week two before I start losing the 1 1/2 pounds a week my caloric intake should allow me to lose.
I'm really motivated this time because of my darling daughter. I could say it's because I want to show her that I can make effort to change just like I ask her to do; or I want to be a healthy example for her. But really, it's because when I started, she said, "I don't think you're going to be successful at this." I want to show her never under-estimate me.
I just count calories, and have been doing fine with it. Dee doesn't like it though. She is often trying to tempt me with higher calories food than I need. :) I'm quite certain at the end, it will make an impression on her if I'm successful. Good motivation, huh?
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Learning Disabilities
Dee has learning disabilities. We don't have names for all of them, but they are there. I'm sure she is dyslexic, though no one will diagnose her. Mom has diagnosed her.
When she first moved in, our house number is 4725. I sent her outside to learn her address. She came back and said it right. One minute later she said 4752. That's when my suspicion began. It shows itself in many ways.
Yesterday, our devotion had the word "forbidden" in it. She read "forbibben." (I know it doesn't make sense, but she must not know the actual word.) So, I said, "No, it's a "d." She read, "fordibben." I tried to get her to switch, but she couldn't. It happens all of the time. She is guessing words, so she doesn't remember what she came up with. She will read "tried" correctly in sentence one, and in sentence two she may read it "tired" or "tied" or "tree".
It's frustrating for us both, but she has no idea what words she is getting wrong. I realize that she is working two to three times as hard to read, but it's so hard to hear.
She also has a difficult time with math. But today she showed she misses the concept all together. I'm counting calories, so I said, "It was 30 calories per ounce, and I had six ounces." 30 x 6 is 180. Dee said, "Multiplication and division do not have 30. You cannot go that high."
In a few weeks, school will start. I will hold her to a similar standard as other 10-year olds, but I will probably be asking too much. It's sort of sad.
When she first moved in, our house number is 4725. I sent her outside to learn her address. She came back and said it right. One minute later she said 4752. That's when my suspicion began. It shows itself in many ways.
Yesterday, our devotion had the word "forbidden" in it. She read "forbibben." (I know it doesn't make sense, but she must not know the actual word.) So, I said, "No, it's a "d." She read, "fordibben." I tried to get her to switch, but she couldn't. It happens all of the time. She is guessing words, so she doesn't remember what she came up with. She will read "tried" correctly in sentence one, and in sentence two she may read it "tired" or "tied" or "tree".
It's frustrating for us both, but she has no idea what words she is getting wrong. I realize that she is working two to three times as hard to read, but it's so hard to hear.
She also has a difficult time with math. But today she showed she misses the concept all together. I'm counting calories, so I said, "It was 30 calories per ounce, and I had six ounces." 30 x 6 is 180. Dee said, "Multiplication and division do not have 30. You cannot go that high."
In a few weeks, school will start. I will hold her to a similar standard as other 10-year olds, but I will probably be asking too much. It's sort of sad.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Through the Wringer
My precious little girl has put me through the wringer. I found that on June 30th at a field trip she stole two things. I knew this that day. She has picked a lie and stuck with it. Then I found on July 5th at a different field trip, she stole something else. That was kept hidden until yesterday. She was confronted by me and her daycare worker, and had to confess. On the 8th of July she was caught after sneaking an old used cell phone to school --I had thrown it away once. I took the hammer to it this time (helped with the frustration too). And on Sunday, plotting even before church to steal some mechanical pencils she saw in the Sunday School classroom last week but giving up and attempted to take some note cards and a portable CD player. I'm exhausted. At work today, people kept telling me I looked tired. Hmmm. I wonder why. I mentioned it to Dee, and she said, "Yeah, you have bags."
Her Sunday episode led to tantrums and me leaving her while I ran to McDonald's drive-through. Her tantruming more, and a visit from the police. Losing her new Xbox 360, and a ton of privileges.
Out of the four days for school, she got up once and did her hygiene steps. (So much for the allowance chart.) That's right. I've been sending my child to school with nappy uncombed hair, a dirty face, and unbrushed teeth.
This evening she is in a better mood. She was still disrespectful. She asked why I wasn't making her such cute lunches. I asked her why would I take so much time for a disrespectful little girl.
A friend called to invite her spend the night and go to an amusement park. I can't believe it. Someone actually invited my child! (No friend of hers has ever invited her over. Well one time, one parent did invite her over for two hours, but that's it.) I'm thrilled. But I told her it all depends on her behavior. That ought to buy me some kindness.
Before I agreed, I had to tell the parent how she had to watch Dee. I so wish she didn't come with fine prints.
I better get to sleep. I want to enjoy my week, and I have to get rid of these bags!
Tonight was better. She was her pleasant self. Let's hope it is better for us all!
Her Sunday episode led to tantrums and me leaving her while I ran to McDonald's drive-through. Her tantruming more, and a visit from the police. Losing her new Xbox 360, and a ton of privileges.
Out of the four days for school, she got up once and did her hygiene steps. (So much for the allowance chart.) That's right. I've been sending my child to school with nappy uncombed hair, a dirty face, and unbrushed teeth.
This evening she is in a better mood. She was still disrespectful. She asked why I wasn't making her such cute lunches. I asked her why would I take so much time for a disrespectful little girl.
A friend called to invite her spend the night and go to an amusement park. I can't believe it. Someone actually invited my child! (No friend of hers has ever invited her over. Well one time, one parent did invite her over for two hours, but that's it.) I'm thrilled. But I told her it all depends on her behavior. That ought to buy me some kindness.
Before I agreed, I had to tell the parent how she had to watch Dee. I so wish she didn't come with fine prints.
I better get to sleep. I want to enjoy my week, and I have to get rid of these bags!
Tonight was better. She was her pleasant self. Let's hope it is better for us all!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Trying
Dee is trying to live within the laws of our house right now. I love this. I do tend to make a mistake when this happens and start to treat her with less rules and less structure. That's not a good thing. She won't feel very comfortable.
Her allowance chart is working wonders. She emptied the dishwasher. She has been doing anything she can to get a checkmark. When those checkmarks become cash, I hope it will solidify her resolve to keep going. It wouldn't be Dee if she didn't try to get over on some things. She ran up and took a quick shower yesterday. I doubt if she washed. She just got the check mark. I will have her show me the soap on her body today. She took her summer work I make her do to day care. Friends will help her with it, but at least she is trying to get it done.
She asked for ice cream during devotion, so we made a Sonic run. She was giddy happy, and I was exhausted. She was chattering away and being silly. I said, "You should know, I'm running out of patience." So when it was time to pray, she happily volunteered, and led off with a request for me some patience!
She wanted pizza delivered today, but I think I'll take her to the local improv comedy show. She will be disappointed at first that she has to dress and not have pizza, but she will love it! I'm going to ask her to dress like she is going on a fun date. She will probably come down in the shortest skirt she has, her "heels" and ask for permission to wear lip gloss. (It's only allowed on Saturdays.) I think she will love the grown-up feel that the place has, but all the comedy is safe. We will order bar-type food at our table, and I think it will be a memory she loves.
Her allowance chart is working wonders. She emptied the dishwasher. She has been doing anything she can to get a checkmark. When those checkmarks become cash, I hope it will solidify her resolve to keep going. It wouldn't be Dee if she didn't try to get over on some things. She ran up and took a quick shower yesterday. I doubt if she washed. She just got the check mark. I will have her show me the soap on her body today. She took her summer work I make her do to day care. Friends will help her with it, but at least she is trying to get it done.
She asked for ice cream during devotion, so we made a Sonic run. She was giddy happy, and I was exhausted. She was chattering away and being silly. I said, "You should know, I'm running out of patience." So when it was time to pray, she happily volunteered, and led off with a request for me some patience!
She wanted pizza delivered today, but I think I'll take her to the local improv comedy show. She will be disappointed at first that she has to dress and not have pizza, but she will love it! I'm going to ask her to dress like she is going on a fun date. She will probably come down in the shortest skirt she has, her "heels" and ask for permission to wear lip gloss. (It's only allowed on Saturdays.) I think she will love the grown-up feel that the place has, but all the comedy is safe. We will order bar-type food at our table, and I think it will be a memory she loves.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Parenting the Hard Way
Today was therapy after a difficult session the past couple of weeks. What we learned is that Dee has some really mean behaviors when she feels guilty. I think it's because she does not respect the person who does not catch her in her wrongdoing. Until I found out she was sneaking and looking at porn, she had no respect for me.
I had to tell her that sometimes I was giving her a second chance. I let her hear me talk about other things I had caught but had passed.
I don't think it's fun to parent a child who doesn't like good things, who doesn't appreciate a break...but that's the child I have. And if I cannot show her every wrongdoing she has done, then she will treat me like dirt.
I told myself today that I need to remember that she can't handle breaks or too much good. I will revisit this post the next time I've forgotten.
I had to tell her that sometimes I was giving her a second chance. I let her hear me talk about other things I had caught but had passed.
I don't think it's fun to parent a child who doesn't like good things, who doesn't appreciate a break...but that's the child I have. And if I cannot show her every wrongdoing she has done, then she will treat me like dirt.
I told myself today that I need to remember that she can't handle breaks or too much good. I will revisit this post the next time I've forgotten.
An Advantageous Meeting
When Dee decided to get a mani-pedi, she unknowingly set up an advantageous meeting for me. I was going to just wait, but decided to join her. I sat next to a very friendly lady. She complimented Dee. She asked her age, and how she did in school. I mentioned Dee had learning disabilities. That's when she said that she was a retired teacher who also had learning disabilities. I asked if she tutored, and she handed me her new business card.
In a couple of weeks, we will go for an assessment. We talked cost, and she is a little high. But I think we can come to a compromise on the cost. I'm excited for Dee to get some help.
This woman has the same problems Dee has. She said she tested so poorly for college, she got in by talking to the school. I'm hopeful!
In a couple of weeks, we will go for an assessment. We talked cost, and she is a little high. But I think we can come to a compromise on the cost. I'm excited for Dee to get some help.
This woman has the same problems Dee has. She said she tested so poorly for college, she got in by talking to the school. I'm hopeful!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Allowance Chart
When Dee moved here, I gave her an allowance. She loved it, but it was too vague. Since then, I told her that I was just giving her money, but she did not do her part in the family. She has been asking for an allowance again. So I will introduce her to the chart. For every day that she gets at least 7 check marks and no minuses, she will get $1.
Brush Teeth P.M.
We both like when she has her own money. So this is the way she can get it. Plus, she needs to hit $250 in savings this year so she can put money into a CD. My goal for her is to get one CD a year. She is at $160+, so she has a way to go!
Dee's Daily Goals
Brush Teeth P.M.
Good A.M. Attitude
Good P.M. Attitude
Put ALL Dishes in Dishwasher
Devotions
Practice Jr CC
Homework 1, 2, 3
Leave Bathtub Clean
Deodorant
Wash face
Take out trash
Straighten Room
Visit Ms. Grace
Walk Dogs
We both like when she has her own money. So this is the way she can get it. Plus, she needs to hit $250 in savings this year so she can put money into a CD. My goal for her is to get one CD a year. She is at $160+, so she has a way to go!
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