The Little Things

Dee got some great things for her Christmas, but I knew she would love the little things that were waiting for her in her stocking.  She did.



First, she got some bath time paint.  She can write on herself, the tub, the wall.  I got it from Avon and she loves it.

Second, she got new bras that actually have cup sizes.  She is thrilled.  She has been needing them.  I looked for weeks for little girls bras that did not have padding.  Nearly impossible to find if you don't want a sports bra.  She loves the padding, and I'm wondering why they are adding this stuff to children's lingerie. 

Third, I put a "shaver" in her stocking.  She has been begging to shave under her arms.  Finally, I realized it was time.  She got a razor, but only I could use it.  I shaved her today, and she was thrilled.

She also got a birthstone necklace, deodorant and Mary Kay facial cleanser and moisturizer.

That stocking was very Dee!  She loved it!  I knew she would.

A Little Better

Today, I went back to work.  I'm so grateful.  I really needed some separation from Dee.  The support of my coworkers and the space allowed me that.  People fed me back my on parenting theories when I couldn't see it myself.

I could think a lot clearer without the constant negative talk, sabatoge and attitude feeding into my thought processes.

When I picked Dee up from daycare, I didn't say anything.  I wanted her to earn the rights that she had lost.  We sat down to dinner and I asked her to tell me what went wrong during the weekend.  She did great.  She talked about her attitude, her sabatoge, trying to get control, etc.  She didn't mention the porn.  She also mentioned that when she was egging me on and I let her that didn't help.  She said she replayed the things in her head, and she saw clearly the things that were wrong.

Then we talked more about it.  She continued with the attitude, so I would say, "Stop.  We apparently can't talk to each other."  Eventually, we made it through the conversation.

I would not give her the right to call me "Mom" again until she wrote what she appreciated about me.  It took three rounds.  First Round she wrote why I should let her call me Mom:

Dear Miss Gale,
Here is some things I think should call you mom.  First I think you have have kid that you adopted  and that kid should be able to call you "mom."  You are very strict about things that are mean to others, things that get out of control.  You adopted me so that you will have kid that will treat you with respectuflness and that has a kind tone in her voice and not a nasty tone in her voice.  You also expect others to threat you the way you want to be treated, and you expect your kid to be happy and joyful, thoughtful, for all of the hard work you have put into something like oh I don't know maybe a present opening morning time with all kinds of stuff.  I think you should let me call you mom because did adopt me to not let me call you mom.

Round Two

To Gale
From Dee
I appreciate about you that you are a hard worker, and you think about yourself first then you think about others.  And I appreciate too about you is that you can make something that is small into something huge like for x-mas time.  And you protect me when I am sad, scard, etc.  And I'm scared of the dark , when I ask you if you could sleep with me and you do.  You always, and I mean always, make me feel better with the dark.

(OK...I cracked up on this one.  She said I think of others first, like when I told her to stop helping others at school until she gets her work done.  I told her I had to do my work at work, and then I can help others.  She said, I made her birthdays and Christmases big deals when they were small.)  It was nice when you know what she meant, but I sent her back for Round Three!

1. You are thoughtful.
2.  You are a great patient to me.
3.  You take care of me.
4.  You always make sure I'm happy (only on a good day).
5.  You help me with my work so I can grow up smart.
6.  You make sure I look good on school days. :)
7.  You're funny all of the time. :)

I took Round 3 because I was tired, but it is more of what I wanted from her.

Christmas 2011

I have been both excited and scared at the Christmas Dee was going to have.  I would think about how she'd feel when she saw her big gifts and even the little gifts in her stockings.  I knew it would mean a lot.  At the same time, I was concerned that she would sabotage.

On Christmas Eve, she did try to sabotage.  I announced to her that she could try it, but she was not allowed to ruin the dogs and my Christmas Eve.  She did not have to participate, but she needed to be quiet, and ride along.  After church, we picked up the dogs, and went to look at light.  Of course, she acted a fool at bed time.  I ended up letting our recorded book read to me, and left her out.  I told her the next day, I hope she can join in next year.   If not, maybe it will just be my tradition.

Christmas Day, she did well.  She pouted some.  She showed off a lot at church.  But later in the day, when some kids were visiting, I was working on allowing her iPod to text, when she came up and got the new toy.  Of course, I had unlocked it to work on.

A little while later, I was reviewing her e-mails, and she had one from Annana.  It was blank, but I became suspicious.  I asked her to bring her iPod up.  She was very protective of it.  I said, "I think I may have left internet on it."  She said I had.  I opened up Internet, and sure enough...in that short time, she was watching porn!  I took the thing away.  Locked it up and gave it back.  I told her I was disappointed because we agreed what she would do if any Christmas present was overwhelming.

Then she started that crazy talk she does, and I took it back.  She screamed and yelled and tantrumed.  Then she wrote an apology where she just called me Miss Gale.  I asked her why, and she said she felt like it.  I returned her homemade present.  I told her that those special gifts were from mom and daughter, but apparently I got mine from a girl in my house.  She then returned mine this morning.  She said she did want to call me Mom.  I reminded her we have been through this before.  It's not an at-will thing.  You don't get to choose when I'm your mom or not.  It ended with me saying, "You may call me Miss Gale."

I also gave her back her iPod this morning.  It is a very expensive MP3 player and camera.  I suspect she will lose the camera option soon.

She is probably loving the chaos she has caused.  Next year, I will read this and there will NOTHING given to her by me or anyone else that can ruin my Christmas.

Asking for It..

I know that Dee will be overwhelmed with the number of presents she is getting.  I'm so excited to see her get things she wants...but I'm scared and sad for how her reaction maybe later.  We've talked, but I know she won't be able to help if she can't handle it.

She is suppose to ask me to keep things for her if it gets to be too much.  Here is the source of my concern.

iPod Touch from Mommy
Used Bike from Grandma & Uncle Ricky
Used Keyboard from Santa
iTune Giftcards from Uncle David, Auntie Shawn and Auntie Be-Be
Cody Simpson CD from Chloe
Taylor Swift CD from Roxy
Selena Gomez CD from Uncle Tony
Gift Card from Secret Benefactor at church
Dance School Sweatshirt from Santa
Best Buy Gift Card from Mom
Jeans and Shoes from Auntie Rea
Barbie Head from Jackson & Family
Gift from Lesia
Gift from Aunt PJ
Gift from Aunt Donna

In her stocking:
Bath paints
Moisturizer and Cleanser
First razor
Bras (cup size) not band-aids
Birthstone necklace

She will absolutely love her Christmas.  But it did get to be much!  Someone was selling the bike which has been exposed to the elements but has never been ridden for $40.  The keyboard was given to me when I mentioned it topped her wish list by someone not using it anymore.  And so...this is probably be the biggest Christmas she will ever have.  And I just know...I will pay for it.  But first, I will enjoy her joy!

I Passed!

Today, Dee didn't get up when called.  I finally said, "I'm going to warm up the car, and the car leaves in five minutes."  She knows from experience, the car will leave in five minutes.  Once she waited, and I made her chase me for almost two blocks carrying a ton of things.  So she cam scurrying out, fully dressed, and with backpack.  I was suspicious.

In the car, I told her that I hadn't done her laundry because she did not put them in the laundry area of the basement.  I told her three times yesterday to get that laundry in the right place.

Then we got to school.  She handed me her book bag to check.  I said, "Bathroom."  We walked to the girls' bathroom and I did our strip search.  I made her take off her boots, and I checked her bra and underwear.  I found nothing.  When she was putting her boots on, I checked her coat's hood.  She asked what I was doing and I said, "Making sure you didn't sneak anything in your hood."  She seemed annoyed with the whole process.

After I signed her in, she came and hugged me and gave me a kiss.  On the way to work, I realized I passed!  I made her feel safe by not being manipulated by tardiness into not making sure she respected the boundaries.  She would have punished me if she felt I couldn't keep her safe from herself.  Whew!

Therapy Insights!

Last night at therapy, I spoke with the therapist first.  We talked about how Dee is stuck on birth family right now, how she is losing information and her social skills.

The therapist told me that Dee disassociates from conversations, and she knew I knew this.  But what I'm apparently not getting is that Dee does not remember any of the conversation that she dissaociates from.  So, when she disassociates, I must bring her back with a touch.

Second, she thinks Dee was exposed to drugs and/or alcohol in utero.  I agree.  Even though there was no note in her hospital birth records, and her apgar scores were 9's, she has all the signs.  I did read an article that said apgar scores may not be a good indicator.  I think they may not have tested her blood because of the apgar scores.  Anyway, she said it would explain why she would completely know something , like which pills she takes, and then suddenly no longer know it.

Dee had a separate session with her.  I'm not sure what she talked about, but it was the first time she wanted to meet with her separately.  I haven't had any patience, so I'm sure she had to have another place to get her answers.

The therapist told me something that I'm more than aware of.  Right now, I'm Dee's whole world.  She has other things, but in this world...she just has me to depend on.  That's gotta be scary for her!

Deliveries!

Today, I came home to my "Trauma MaMa" exchange present sitting on my front porch.  How fun!!!!  Another box was on top of that, and it was from a Dogster (a dog blog site)friend...something for each one in the family!  We got cards and Dee sat under the tree rearranging all the gifts.  Most Dee had wrapped.  I keep all her gifts at work until Christmas Eve to help with sneaking.

I think it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

What a Start to the Week....

Monday, Dee's special ed teacher wrote to me said Dee was not focused at all.  Dee declared herself  "Done!" with an assignment the teacher was still giving directions to.  I told the teacher I'd try to scare her straight.  I explained that I thought December was difficult for Dee.  She has been talking about birth family a lot.

Today (Wednesday) she wrote Dee did wonderful yesterday, but today she was needy and whiny.

When I picked Dee up yesterday, I asked if she had changed into her dance leotards.  She answered with such a hateful response:  Yes, I have them on!  [But you have to read it with hate!]  I told her not to say another word to me, and get in the car and when we get to dance get out.

After dance, she was chatty, but I chose not to respond.  I made dinner, and we ate in silence.  Then I told her to take a bath and go to bed.

This morning I asked what she learned from yesterday.  She said, "Not to make you mad."  I said, "No."  She said, "Be respectful."  I told her if she never has another good day, I will not allow her to speak to me disrespectfully.  The sooner she learned, the better her life will be.

I Have to Tell You Something...

That's what Dee told me today.  I didn't know what it meant.  But I suspected she had stolen something.  No, she had sneaked her cell phone to school.   Arrrggg!!!!

I have a "no non-school items at school" rule, and the school has a "no cell phone" rule.  And she broke both.  She told me because I told her if I found she had sneaked or stolen anything then Christmas presents would start disappearing. 

I asked her where she has sneaked it.  In her underwear, of course.  I had been strip searching her, but I stopped.  She must have missed it.

Arrgggg!!!!!  Will this kid grow up and be able to NOT take something from a store or a friend's house?  I worry.

Another Week Down

Dee has not had a good attitude.  She told me she thought she knew what it was, but she didn't want to tell me.  I told her to tell me what she thought.  She thinks it's Christmas.  She thinks the stress of being good is just too much.

So, I tried to take some stress off.  I went ahead and gave her shopping money for Christmas instead of making her earn it.  She was then able to look through magazines (catalogs) and window shop. 

I try to do something Christmasy with her everyday.  Friday, we went to our church's craft night.  Saturday, she shopped with her $100.  She came home and wrapped!  She is now enjoying the season.

It just seems like 14 days is a long way to go.  I'm excited for the fun Christmas she will have.  She is hoping that she will have more presents than me and dogs again.

The doggies are being left alone a lot.  I do feel bad for them.  They sure do deserve to have us home more. 

I'm tired of buying gas twice a week!  I'm tired and can't seem to get un-tired.

Smooth Sailing

We've had a time of smooth sailing.  Dee is pushing boundaries, but it feels like it age-appropriate pushing.  So it's been pleasant.

She did put on quite the show in therapy.  We usually talk about therapy for part of the trip home, but we pretty much rode home in silence.  Dee is becoming upset when some of her behaviors are called out.  It's a good thing.  In the past, she has just been proud.

Last night, she sang with the school district's choir at an outdoor Christmas event.  It ended with fireworks.  She was afraid, as I knew she would be.  She was still with the choir at the time.  When the event was over, she came over saying it made her cry and gave her a headache.  (I think the sounds remind her of gunshots.)

I took all three girls to see Santa.  Those pictures were adorable.  I can't wait to get them back.

All in all --- not so bad.

Thanksgiving, etc.

We have had a very good Thanksgiving.  It's surprising.  One of my friends called and was shocked to hear that Dee is able to handle a holiday.  It has been pleasant, and there's been many opportunities for things to go wrong:

1.  I have loosened the bedtime and sugar consumption because of the time off.  I expect that with the return of waking up on time and going to bed on time, we will have some problems.

2.  She was forced to go ring bells for the Salvation Army when she didn't want to leave her All-TV All-of-the Time.  She did it.  Was pleasant.

3.  She did sneak some sweets and ate all 25 days of her advent calendar chocolate, but I just counted it as a loss to her.

4.  She received a letter from her birth brother.  I told her the Wednesday before Thanksgiving it was coming as a means to prepare her.  She woke up at 9:00 on Thanksgiving and checked the mail.  It was very emotional for her to read something from her actual sibling.  She has had not contact with any birth family member for more than three years.  She commented on his poor writing skills.  I told her that she wrote exactly like him when she came.  We could see her progress through his letter.

5.  She has played with that cell phone non-stop.  How long can 120 minutes actually last?  I keep adding rules.  The main one is that the phone must sleep with me every night.  She never misses.  I also got to give her some texting advice in response to her friend.  I tried to teach her to ignore some messages, change the topic and see herself in the "poor me" texts her friend sent.

6.  She has been earning Christmas money when she isn't glued to the TV. 

7.  We have a foster dog, and she is not helping much with him though she really wanted him.

She is not an adventurous kid.  Although we were at a mall that we have only been to once, she asked if we could go to McDonald's after our bell ringing.  She asked if we could see the same movie she saw last week with a friend instead of one of the many Thanksgiving releases.  And...she likes the control to watch TV.  She asks for computer time, and I have been holding back because her Christmas gift could be deciphered on it.

All in all a good holiday weekend.  I expect next week not to be so good.  But maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Arrggg!!!! One Year Since Finalization

Can you hear me yelling?  I'm so tired of my little girl.  Yesterday was our finalization anniversary.  Did we celebrate?  Oh no!  I'm way too smart for that.  But am I getting backlash anyway?  Of course.  I don't know if it's the anniversary of the finalization.  Or if it's Christmas or what? 

I celebrated our finalization with well wishes from Facebook friends, but I cautioned everyone that Dee could not handle congrats.  I did mention to her that a year ago, we were out of town. 

Dee has many learning disabilities but she is acting like she is dumb.  And she is a very sneaky child.  She is sneaking things and acting dumb!  She has suddenly forgotten which pills she takes in the mornings and which she takes in the evening.  I told her to sit down and do something, and suddenly she couldn't remember what I told her.

Does she want to be babied?  Does she want to drive me nuts?  I don't know.  I just know I'm tired.  And I wish we could just have fun without undertones.

Catching Up..

I find that when Dee is "on a roll" then I simply don't have the energy to think through what we are going through to write it out.  That's how this week has been.  She has been contrary to no end!  She has been argumentative on every little thing and disrespectful way past my tolerance level.

I finally told her something in her language:  THINGS.  "Keep this up, and I assure you there will be no Christmas in our house this year.  I love Christmas, and celebrating my Savior's birth.  But it's just way more important to me that I have a respectful daughter."

I believe she started to think about that, and I got an e-mail from her yesterday while she was at after-school care.

Hi Mommy,



When I came to adviter club I finely realized that it was my fault about what happened this morning. I felt and I still feel like I really I didn't need to get a adautoda [attitude]with you this morning.I told myself this"dee you need to get youre self underconcorle or you will not have a very happy mom. So would you weather want a grumpy mom or a happy mom,if you want a :) mom then you need to stratin up. i hope you forgive me I promise you this ill be kind to youn .

Translation: When I came to adventure club, I finally realized that it was my fault about what happened this morning. I felt and I still feel like I really didn't need to get an attitude with you this morning. I told myself this: "Dee, you need to get yourself under control or you will not have a very happy mom. So, would you rather have a grumpy mom or a happy mom? If you want a :) mom, then you need to straighten up I hope you forgive me. I promise you this, I'll be kind to you.

It was a good jump-off point.  She has been trying to do better.  She has not asked for her phone or other electronics because she knows she has not earned the right to have them.  She seems to be begging for more rigid boundaries so she can have something to fight against.

Yesterday morning she found out I was off from work, so she became jealous.  At 11:00, I got a call from her saying she was sick.  By 1:30 or 2:00, I had a kid having a tantrum because she was bored stuck in her bed.  I also told her it was like trust.  Now, if she is not feeling well...she cannot call me from school.  I will only come and get her for a fever on the thermometer or if she throws up her food from the past three days and there is a witness.  (She knows how to make herself throw up a little.)  Since I was home, I think her charade was actually worth it.

On the way to therapy after the pretend illness, we talked about several things.  Why she has been so mean.  She ventured some guesses, but I told her I didn't think that any of those were it.  She has standard therapy answers, like kids have standard church answers.  "What did you learn in Sunday School?"  "About God."  "Why were you acting like that?"  "I think I wanted to be in control."    I do think our talk gave her the chance to work  through some things and organize her thoughts.  It also gave me the chance to make sure she understood the rules.

In therapy, they are re-working on her book.  They have separated her life in parts.  So it's been decided that they are on Part 3.  It helps her to see progress.

Long week, but it's looking up!

Act Your Age

I noticed that Dee is acting more and more like a two- or three-year old.  She is not exactly bouncing back from her moods like she use to.  She seems to be teetering on the edge, waiting still for something to happen.

I told her yesterday if she continued to act like she is, then she will get privileges to match the age she is acting.  For instance, she is acting 3, then she will have the privileges of a 3-year old.  That is no sleepovers, no watching TV alone, no cell phone, etc.

The other thing I noticed about her is that she can be perfectly fine, but the minute she heads to the car or the house she becomes moody.  I pointed it out to her by telling a friend on the phone.  It's annoying!  Her answer to her nasty attitude is, "I didn't say that."  And my answer to her is "Action speaks louder than words."

She's been trying to be sneaky.  She did homework in homework helper where she just copied someone else.  When I made her re-do it.  She had a fit, and she didn't know how.  After I taught her and she was able, she started running around saying she was smart.  She tried to sneak the phone today.  The alarm on it went off when I called to tell my boss I was running late because of her.  She thought I would not notice that she grabbed it, and she was going to keep it.  I just stood by the car waiting, and when she turned.  I asked her if she forgotten something.  To her credit, she dug around in the car and pretended to get it from there.

Roxy
Roxy is not feeling well.  I may have to take her to the vet on Friday.  She is just laying around.

Chloe
Chloe is perfectly happy getting food from me and Dee and eating what Roxy doesn't eat.

Better go!  I have a girl to pick up from dance class.  Attitude Shield:  Check.  Mean Mom Voice:  Check.  Whiney Ear Plugs:  Nope.  Oh well, better go anyway!

Slumber Party

Dee went to a sleepover immediately after school.  The parent had four 10/11-year olds over.  I didn't know how it would go.  I told Dee to stay out of drama.  She had that little cell phone with her.  She called and talked to me several times.  She sent several text messages.  One saying she didn't like the drama.  But overall, she did well.

It went on and on.  She called this morning and asked me to bring her swim suit.  She called again in the afternoon, and asked me to meet Hostess Mom and daughter and her at a nearby restaurant.

It was very nice for me to relax.  She had fun.  Before we left the restaurant, she was already changing her mood.  She was rushing me out of the restaurant, but she knew she just wanted to blow.

I looked at her friend and say, "I do hope you can come spend the night next weekend.  If I have to cancel, it will be because Dee did not handle this overnighter well."  And I just keep reminding Dee.  She has tried a few times to be irritable.

She tried the playing dumb thing.  She didn't know which pills to take.  I gave her several chances, and asked her to put it down until she figured it out.  In the end, I told her what pills to take.  I also told her there will be no more overnights until she understood her medication because I thought she already did.  I know she knows what meds to take.  It's the playing dumb thing.  I call it the vacuum thing after a Christine Moer video.

She is very tired, and crawled into bed.  She only had six hours of sleep last night, so I know she will sleep well!