Flourishing!

My little girl is flourishing.  I get to see a peek of the young lady she will become. On most days we  have a very easy insiders' banter going on.  We are both "at home."  What a nice feeling!

Dee has made the honor roll each quarter this year.  I told her now I will expect it.  She said, "You should.  I'm a smart girl."  And she is showing her intelligence.  You can tell that she processes at a younger age, but as long as she is processing.

Last week, she bought some perfume from a vendor at the hair salon.  The lady commented on what a mannerable and respectful young lady she was.  The lady said  looked at me and said, "Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.  You are doing a great job."  Very cool for someone you've never seen or met.  I asked Dee about that later and she said she felt proud, and I told her so did I.

Dee has told me that she requires positive and warm feedback.  So I'm trying to give her that more.  You can't overdo it with her or she will think she has finished and stop trying.

I let her have input in her daycare arrangements for the summer.  She will continue to go at the school.  She is opposed to change, so it doesn't surprise me.

Complete Opposite

Dee wanted to have her friend S over for the night.  She didn't get to ask her, so I sent a text to S's mom and asked.  Then I thought, "I'll go one step further.  I also asked her friend's A's mom.  When I told Dee, she was not happy.  She only wanted s.

And I must say, DEE WAS RIGHT!

S & A mostly left Dee out.   Dee did not help.  She kept pulling away.  She didn't go to get ice cream with us.  She didn't eat the same thing we ate at breakfast.  She didn't sleep on the floor with the girls, but came up to her to her bedroom.  She complained the girls talked to loud.

I took the electronics early because they were not talking to her.  It didn't matter.  I didn't return them until everyone was dressed and had their teeth brushed.  We took A home early.

With only Dee and S, it was a little better.  Dee decided to show her power by being mean to me.  She never once said anything respectful.  I stopped talking to her.  It would be something like, "Dee, what do you want for lunch?"  "Nothing!  Sheesh!"  I'd get quiet, and she would say, "Mom are you OK?"  I had to wait for her friend to leave this evening and tell her her disrespect of me or any other adult will not be tolerated. 

I also have to go through her texts.  I suspect they will be fine.  I'm sure she had some I wouldn't approve of, but they were probably on her friends' phone.  They are boy crazy.  And one girl's mom has let her have a boyfriend at 11 or 12.  They asked to go to the open gym nearby.  NO!  I know from the past that boys meet girls there.  When Dee was texting before, she was planning to meet some boy who lived across the street.  I learned my lesson from the chaos at the skating rink.   Then they asked if they could walk to the convenience store.  We live in the suburbs.  That's just not what kids do.  So, I don't think Dee will make great decisions if I'm not there to stop her.

I told her some things directly.  Other things, I let her overhear me tell my mom about.  So, this weekend is the exact opposite of last weekend!  Darn it!

Changing...

I wrote this last weekend, but I thought I would add to it so I'm just publishing...

Dee and I had one of our best weekends ever.  It's just part of seeing a girl who is coming into her own.  It is easy to forget how far she has come when she does some things that set her back.  It is more striking.  But I really enjoyed her this weekend.   I looked at her while talking about things important to her, and thought, "I think this is how I imagined it would be with a daughter."  Dee kept saying, "What a great day!"

Dee said today that she felt like her brain has been covered with dust like the TV screen sometimes get.  And she feels like it has been cleared and now she can think.  She believes it started with her ability to learn.

I did have to mention to her that hyperactivity and happiness are not the same.  She noticed she felt happy, and not wanting to let it go, she began to act hyper.  Since she is so concrete, I had to actually tell her that they were not the same.  I have learned hearing something is a big deal to her.  She does not know how to get implied messages.

I wish we could bottle this weekend!

January 2013

I thought I'd write about this month since it's been so long.  I've been busy studying for my certification exam.  Even though Dee advise me to "wing it," I studied for four months, with the last five weeks intensively studying.  I passed, so it was worth the effort.

Dee has been doing OK.  She continues with the attitude.  But she is showing herself to be more mature.  I was thinking earlier today how I miss the little girl she use to be...not the raging part...the other part!  She would describe herself as an extroverted tomboy.  She is actually a lot less extroverted than she was before puberty began.  She is friendly but reticent, and the other extreme of tomboy.

She is not doing as well in school.  She pushes me away for help.  We have agreed that grades will speak for themselves.  If she gets a poor grade, then there are consequences.  She loses her electronics until the grade is brought up.  She expects that to happen this week.  It might be the push she needs.

Dee is getting a $11.50 a week for allowance.  It's her age 11 1/2.   She can lose money for disrespect, and not completing her list of predefine chores.  She has to load and unload the dishwasher, take out the recyclables, clean the downstairs bathroom, vacuum the living room and clean her room.  She hasn't gotten the full $11.50 yet, but she has gotten $10.50 twice and $8.50 once.  She used her own money to buy a blouse. 

She wants to take a babysitting course.  It costs $100.  I told her I would pay $67, if she will pay $33.  I guess that is on hold.

I had told her in the fall about a letter her birth mom had sent.  She mentioned it in therapy.  So I finally gave it to her.  I told her it wasn't as big a deal as she was making it, so I didn't want her to obsess over it.  She is pleased to have it.  She has been wanting to see her birth mom's signature for a while.  I'm sure she has been searching for it.  She asked me where I had kept it.  I told her I needed my own secrets.

She told me that they were talking in Sunday School about the two big problems they see in middle school:  cutting and bullying.  She mentioned that some the kids cutting need therapy.  Someone said, "That's mean."  She said, "I go to therapy and it has helped me a lot."  She then told me that she wasn't ashamed.  I'm sure she will be now.  She has become more self-conscious about taking medication too.

All in all...things are going well.

Chloe is getting sicker with her congestive heart failure.  But she seems happy.  Rox is her normal depressed self.

Christmas 2012

It amazes me that every year Dee has the most amazing Christmas for her.  I read somewhere that kids bond through different things.  Dee bonds primarily through wants.  When her wants are met, she feels love.  I can tell her how much that is not true, but it's true to her.

Her Christmas looked small underneath the tree, but it was actually big.

The tree after Santa left

Dee enjoys the whole gift opening process.  She takes her time and enjoys each gift.  I made her a book of the dogs she fostered, and she read the entire thing before opening the next gift.  We call it "The Dee Show."

Dee was appropriately grateful.  She got a small tablet.  She was not expecting an electronic, so she was thrilled.  I hid it in a big box wrapped in a towel.  She never suspected.  I did not block Goggle +, and she figured it out.  She was all over social media.  I had to take the tablet back, block the app, and stress to her the danger in social media for the billionth time.  After a few days, I had her write out what she did wrong and how she can make sure the mistake doesn't happen again.  All is well.

When she was caught, she sent herself an e-mail saying she would rather live with an abusing mother than two dogs and a "mean, ugly, fat, self-centered mom."  She was mad at herself.  I asked her why I was being mistreated when I didn't do anything wrong.

After a day of quiet in our house, I went to the store, and brought her favorite drink (bottle water and flavored water) and cookies.  I told her it was nice of me to bring her favorites even though she was being mean to me.  She said, "Even if we are mad at each other, you still have to take care of me."  And I was pleased that she knew that was true and that I would.

Overall, she is doing well.  Had a friend spend the night on a work day, and did OK. 

 

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is coming.  We are excited in our house.  Dee knows she has presents in the car, and it's the typical behavior for Santa.  I am going to miss it.  During December, if she had a good night, I gave her a treat in her Advent calendar.  If she didn't, nothing.  She caught on early, and it's been a really good month.

I've had to tell her that I would be sad if I had to hold back some presents because of behavior.  She doesn't want that.  Of course, after Christmas, I know she is getting my trump threat.  So life should not be too bad.

Recently, I mentioned that she can be overwhelmed with too much and all good, and she said, "You know about that?"  I told her since we both know about it now, then there is no sense in letting it happen.  She is old enough to say, "Take some stuff from me because I'm being overwhelmed."

I don't feel that second quarter went as well as first.  But the teachers have only nice things to say about her.  She will make an honor roll again.  We are going to change her goals for this quarter.  In some classes, I'm going to expect B's not C's.

Dee and I were talking one day about how much we are alike.  It's really true.  She was having a sinus headache, and I said, "That's very me.  Why don't you get some of my good qualities?"  She said, "What are your good qualities?"  I said, "I try to be a kind and thoughtful person."  She said, "Yeah, I have a problem with that."  She was not kidding.  She is pretty selfish, so she does not like when I help others or give to others.

In other family news.

Chloe's congestive heart failure was really bad earlier this week.  I thought we were going to lose her.  Dee had her written off.  But my little ChloChlo fought and is doing OK.

I'm studying pretty hard for a certification test.  It's not sticking.  But I do that a lot in spare time.  So, when Dee is at dance, or tutoring, I'm studying.

Roxy is her normal sad and quiet self. 

For Christmas we go to church and then take our doggies to look at Christmas lights.  They will enjoy the time out.

I'm sure there is more in the past three weeks, I just can't remember.

Merry Christmas all!

The Ghost of Thanksgiving Future

While walking the dogs this morning, I had this sort of pathetic daydream.

Dee was a freshman in college, and I was excited for her to come home for Thanksgiving.  Because 10 years is not enough to deal with attachment issues, she calls right before to tell me she is going home with a friend.  A friend who has two parents and extended family over for Thanksgiving.  I tell her to have fun, but to call me before lunchtime on Thanksgiving to wish me a happy Thanksgiving.

At the friend's house, someone ask Dee what her family is doing.  As she explains, it occurs to her that I'm left alone to do our traditions.  Now she is ashamed.  So she doesn't call.  I am sad because she doesn't call.  It's not a good Thanksgiving. 

Then I don't like how that worked out, so I did an ending change.  (You can do that in a daydream.)

Her friend calls me and tells me that Dee is scared to call me because she thinks I'm sad, and she doesn't want to hear.  So, I call Dee and assure her I am OK, and can't wait to see her at Christmas.  I'm still a little sad, but now Dee appreciates home and visiting for Thanksgiving.  She has a good time, and I took the high road like a Mom is suppose to.

Whew!  OK...I'm ready 2019!!!!

Thanksgiving 2012 and Catching Up...

We had a great Thanksgiving.  We did dinner later than normal since Dee was given free range and stayed up late.  She woke up late, and we just worked around it.  We're on vacation...with Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off.  After a nice meal, we then rested and put the Christmas tree up.

Before we ate, Dee and I wrote quickly 10 things we were thankful for. 

I wrote in brown and she wrote in orange.

I asked Dee to dress the doggie girls for dinner. 

She put coats on them!  It was 70 degrees outside. 

But she decided that was cute.

Dee did Black Friday shopping.  (So did I.)  I shopped while she slept.  She never knew.  I got two pair of jeans, pj's, earrings, cologne and shoes for $60.  Good deal!  Dee shopped differently.  She listed what she thought was a good deal on a paper by store from the ads.  Then she looked for the items and declared who it was for!  She is completely done with her shopping.

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I have been sort of sick, and unable to get too much done.  I would use all of my energy to get through work and Dee's extracurriculars.  Then, I would come home and just fall asleep.  Because of that, Dee got three D's on tests.  She has learning disabilities, so it takes a lot of work to keep her up to speed.  When I felt well enough to pay attention, her life got bad! :)  I started using the "s" word, and Dee hates that word:  study!

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After D's good run, some kid in her class asked her if she lost $50.  She said "yes."  The kid believed her and gave ther the $50 bill.  She then spent time trying to figure out how to get rid of it.  So, she spent part at the book fair.  Whew!  She had $37 now, but at least she didn't have that $50 bill.  Of course, the kid who actually lost the money realized he lost it.  Dee was confronted and lied.  I was called.  She was suspended (in school) for two days.  And her reputation at school with the teachers was ruined.  I was sad for her.  No matter how many times I role play with her, she doesn't get it.  She said she didn't know how to un-do the original lie.  Even though the teacher gave her a couple of chances, she thought it was too late.  I told her, "You will always get an easier consequence if you tell the truth before someone else figures it out."

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Roxy and our foster dog, Otis, were in the backyard after a very windy night.  The wind had blown our gate ajar.  The two ventured out.  (I would have thought Roxy would come tell...but apparently I do not know Roxy.) Dee and I started searching within minutes.  I couldn't find them, so I got into the car and drove to the nearby big street.  I sat, and said to myself, "No screeching...they are not here."  Just then, "Screech!"  A few minutes later, "Screech."  I zoomed over, to find my little Roxy, looking spacy as ever, and caught in a big traffic jam.  I'm sure no one appreciated such a foo-foo dog (wearing pink bows and pink shirt) causing them to near collide.

The cars waited while I grabbed her.  Then I asked her where Otis was, and she led me on a wild goose chase.  Actually, Otis had heard our cries and came to Dee.  Roxy was the one that ran away.


I'm sure there is more, but let's stop here and consider me caught up!

Going well...

I have several things I'd like to blog about, but I'm not sure I have time to cover it all.  But I will at least get started.

Home is so nice these days.  My little girl really seems like she has turned a corner.  She's been working on earning a new and larger backpack.  The one we bought at the beginning of the school year cannot hold her Trapper and books.  She did two weeks of no arguing and doing well in school, and earned the backpack.  We ordered it today from Amazon.


She has earned back some privileges.  I gave her back her home key.  It's not that she is being perfect.  She had my watch in her school locker.  I found make-up in her backpack.  But we get those things corrected, and consequenced, and we move on.  When I try to warn her in advance so she doesn't make the same mistake, she is usually offended, but it seems to help.  She also was given some games back on the computer.  I had taken off any and everything that was fun.  She knows I'm watching her tech behavior.  Any changes in mood will make her lose them again.

She got some money for her good report card.  And she is promised $50 for Day After Thanksgiving shopping.  She used $6 for some fake nails.  But she has been trying to earn it back.  Today, I got both bathrooms sort of cleaned for $1 each.  Two loads of laundry for $1 each.  The car was cleaned out, $2; and the refrigerator was cleaned $1.  I love when she wants money!!!  She is a much quicker at cleaning than I am!

She is getting excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I asked her to make a list of things she would like.  It was primarily reasonable.  She took it back because she wants to add to it.

Dee was invited to a birthday party!  It's an overnight at a hotel.  I told her, the other girls will be talking about boys, etc., but she should be reserved.  Parents are watching her closely!

All in all good!  I'll write later about Roxy and our foster dog's adventure.  And the scare Dee and I had!

Dee has been doing relatively well.  She does do spurts of kindness and not so kind.  I'm going to start tracking them to see if they are PMS.

Chloe is wheezing again with her congestive heart failure.  It breaks my heart.  We are enjoying our foster dog, Otis.  He was tough to get use to but he fits in great.  But...he leaves next week for his new home.  We will miss him.  I think Roxy will miss him most of all.  She humps him all of the time.  All the dogs are eating better trying to keep their share protected.

Dee cleaned her room Saturday.  She did a great job so she could get my record player/cd player/radio in the room.  On the other hand, I'm still living in the land of chaos in my room.  She is naturally a better cleaner.

Dee and I ate out last week.  I took the opportunity to ask her some questions.  I asked how friends were going.  I told her I noticed when I pick her up, she is never playing with other kids.  She responded, "Mom I have friends.  I'm popular."  OK.  So then I asked her about taking the shots.  I asked her if it helped her feel safe.  She didn't care one way or the other.

Dee finished the first quarter with a 3.4 grade point average on a 4.0 scale.  I'm very impressed.  The school gives lots of second chances, but she has used them well.

She and I re-watched October Baby.  It is a movie about an abortion survivor's attempt to find her birth mom.  One scene shows the adoptive father after he tracks the girl down telling her boyfriend to stay away from his daughter.  The boyfriend says, "She is not your daughter.  She has a right to find out who she is."  I said to Dee, part of what he said is not right.  She said, "She is not your daughter."  Then she said, "It's sort of true."  I told her it was not true.  He adopted her and he was her father.  She argued, "He wasn't there when she was born."  I reminded her I was not there when she was born either.  She argued back that I sort of was.  I made her finally say I was not there, so it could be straight in her head.  So another interesting Dee conversation.

All in all, these are going OK. 

Doing Good...

Another catch up post, except all of our activity has me so tired, I'm not sure what I should be catching up on.

Dee is doing better at school.  It's just too bad the mere mention of it brings on attitude.  I told her she would be doing homework for the next 10 years, so she should just get use to it.

After a month of no phone, she finally got it back.  She was mean that night.  We connect her attitude to her phone.  She wants me to keep it.  I told her that maybe she isn't ready for it yet, but she can't blame it on the phone or how would she ever have a phone.  She is still thinking on it.

She cheered at the Chiefs game again.  Did a good job, and her former social worker came to watch.  She was very proud.

I've had to go to bat for her with teachers in her life who make off-handed remarks that she takes to heart.  I try to send a kind e-mail so they will just think about it next time.

I'm loving her laundry skills.  It's how she works off debt.

She's Growing Up

Dee is different.  I can tell she is maturing.  I can also see in recent weeks, she is feeling more at home and more attached.  She fights about doing homework.  She still will make the wrong choices given a chance.  But she is not making a wrong decision just to be contrary anymore.  She wants to please.  She use to want attention of any kind.  Now, she likes the attention to be positive.

She is very good about saying what she needs from me.  She wants me to be at the bus stop when she gets on the bus.  She doesn't like it if I don't make it to the bus stop before she leaves.

She watches TV, and looks for times to say. "Mom, you are embarrassing me."  Even when she says it, she is claiming me as mom, and pointing out we are connected.

School is getting hard for her.  She fights to not get her work done.  She is learning some, but she is lazy too.

She spent the night last night at the church's youth lock-in.  I had a series of texts from her.  I thought maybe she was not having fun, but she called as I was getting ready to leave.  I asked her if she was having fun, and she said yes.

When I arrived at 3 a.m., she ran past me and spoke.  And then hung out a with a group of two girls and two boys.  I could tell she was trying to pair off with a boy.  But every time she'd look around, I'd be watching.  Those things will scare me a lot in a few years.

Today we went to a movie.  Her two friends came running up to her.  She was not nice to them.  I understand.  Each of those girls' parents call to drop them off and we do lots with them.  But they NEVER invite Dee over or out.  I hope she starts to find some other friends soon.

Today's Mail

Mom this is a letter that i typed for you!


how was your day?

I hope it was great.



Dear mom,

Thank you for making my life great and fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...I thank the lord for letting me and you be together.

You have helped me with my troubles and the problems that I came with when I came.

I know that don’t matter what happens I’ll always be your kid that you adopted.

I also know that don’t matter what I do or how much I make you mad that I’ll always be in your heart.

I’m happy that we are together as a family.

Roxy and choler have also made me happy.

I wish I could take back all these times that I have been mean to chole and Roxy.

Cause they have stayed on my side even though that I made them scared and made them run for their life.

It makes me sad to see when you are sad and depressed and upset with me.

Sometimes I start to even start to cry because I mad you so sad and so made (at times).

I get happy not just for the things you give me but for the time and effort that you thought of me and you tried to help me.

Mom the thing that I love about you is that you don’t stop in tells you get it done.

Pulse you’re a strong women and a strong women and smart women,

Pulse whenever I see you whenever I’m happy I get more smiler (I know that’s not a word but still).

When you’re in a bad mood that means that I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t like that at all but when you’re in a good mode that means that means I’m in a good mode that’s what I like.

Love:Dee

Good Weekend

Dee's weekend was excellent!   Just like last weekend!  She was productive.  She was respectful.  She was pleasant. 

We went on Saturday evening to see her dance school perform at a local shopping center.  I watched the girls as we planned whether three of us would eat together.  A had not a great attitude; S had a horrific attitude and Dee was doing pretty good.  I actually threatened to leave the restaurant if S's attitude didn't change.  Her mom was frustrated, but just ignored it.  We left one restaurant for another because S was pouting.  Then at the second restaurant, she continued pouting.  I asked her if she wanted to be there.  Dee was charming and happy.  The other mom enjoyed her as did the waiter.

She is doing well also with getting up in the morning.  We do not have the drama of the past every morning.

I realized that she told me a week or two ago that money was stolen from the church's Youth Group.  (They have a candy store that kids buy treats from and the money goes to mission.)  She bought something today.  That reminded me of her telling me about the stolen money.  I never suspected her.  That's a big deal.

I better go to bed.  Monday is not a good day ... even for good Dee.

Does 7-Year old Consequences and 16 Year-Old Education Equal 11?

Our week was bad because Dee was upset about the phone thing.  She told the therapist she thought I would be more angry and when I wasn't, she didn't know how to turn off her plan to be mean.

I finally came up with Plan #2333.   I wrote on the white board:

Anything that plugs in or uses batteries

Computer <> TV <> Music <> DS <> DVD Player

I told her the moment she is disrespectful, including saying "NO!", she loses all of those things for the next day and the rest of that day.  She starts off after two days later earning them back one at a time.  Slow to earn and one single sarcastic or disrespectful thing takes them all away.  Zero tolerance.

She has TV back now, and stops to think about what she is going to say.  She can pick another electronic today.  She will lose them again.  But I hope that a few times of this will show her it's not tolerated.

As always, she was angry and upset, but she likes the boundaries.  It's been a lot more pleasant.

I took the chance with the pleasant house to talk to her about oral sex.  I had three friends last spring find that their 13-year olds were having oral sex.  What I learned was that they didn't think it was sex.  And parents didn't specifically tell them.  So I told her.  She may make the same bad choices of other girls, but it won't be because she learned first on the street.

She learned her four times tables, but when we started the sixes...she started getting mixed up.

I listened to neighbor tell me how much I smother her and how she will just go wild.  I let her talk, and then just said, "Good thing she is my daughter."  She judges everything by her well-regulated two-year younger child.  I don't feel the need to justify my parenting actions to anyone...that's what I love about being a single parent!

Spoke too Soon

This morning the "good" Dee woke up.  She was still riding high from the weekend.  So, it was a good morning.  I did remember that she hadn't been giving me her phone at night...which is our rule.  She can't call or text at night, but it means I wasn't reviewing her texts.  So I asked her to be sure to bring it down to me.  Still...very pleasant.

The dogs and I walked her to the bus stop.  And while there, I started perusing some texts.  The first thread I saw was from "Joey."  And the last text I saw was  from Dee -- "Good night.  I love you."  So I said, "Not acceptable," and put her on the bus.

Dee is dead set on having a "boyfriend."  I wish I could say it would be innocent, but I don't  it think it would be.  In her thread to "Joey" she said, "Should I wear a skirt or pants on Monday?"  He said, "A skirt."  She said, "Why did you say that.  I think I know and it's not good."  He ignored her and that chatted about other things.  And she came back to her question with the same provoking line.  He never answered, but she wore the shortest skirt she had with leggings.

When I picked her up, I had devised my plan of how to talk to her.  First, I wanted to be sure "Joey" was a boy and at her school and not some pedophile she picked up on the Internet.  So I started asking about her teeney bopper game.  She said, "Just take it away."  Then I asked"Joey's" last name.  She didn't know what her love's last name is.  I explained how boys get the wrong idea about girls who say "I love you" to everyone.  And how they share that idea with other boys.  Then I told her how suggestive her skirt conversation was.  I had to tell her it makes people think of porn...because that's a word she knows, and I'm not ready to introduce "sexting."  She might take it as a suggestion.  I did tell her that if the boy's parents see her texts, I expect her to get called the Principal's office, and me to get called at work.

She didn't handle that conversation well.  She told me I was yelling.  I wasn't.  But she didn't like what I was saying, so she thought I was.

I spent the evening taking away privileges.  When she she gets her phone back, his number is blocked.  Her right to text pictures is gone.  Her text limit is 250 texts a month.  This month she did 1300.  I don't know how considering she can use the phone from 6:00 - 8:45 on weekdays, and then most of the day Saturdays and Sundays.  I also took away the games she likes on the computer because they put too many teen ideas in her head.  I will also block Disney XD and Teen Nick on the TV...though the latter is usually blocked by ratings.

She is not suppose to ever delete texts, but apparently she does.  I haven't seen 1300 texts.  But she was lulled into a false sense of comfort  because I stopped asking for her phone.  The element of surprise...a mom's best weapon.

I do remember a couple of things her therapist said that scared me when she said it, and scares me even more now:  1) She will do some very bad and dangerous things before she gets it all together.  2) Not doing birth control is not an option.  I have worked hard to make those things not true, but Dee seems to be working harder to prove to me that the therapist knows what she is talking about.  And no, Dee didn't hear the therapist say it.