I Have to Tell You Something...

That's what Dee told me today.  I didn't know what it meant.  But I suspected she had stolen something.  No, she had sneaked her cell phone to school.   Arrrggg!!!!

I have a "no non-school items at school" rule, and the school has a "no cell phone" rule.  And she broke both.  She told me because I told her if I found she had sneaked or stolen anything then Christmas presents would start disappearing. 

I asked her where she has sneaked it.  In her underwear, of course.  I had been strip searching her, but I stopped.  She must have missed it.

Arrgggg!!!!!  Will this kid grow up and be able to NOT take something from a store or a friend's house?  I worry.

Another Week Down

Dee has not had a good attitude.  She told me she thought she knew what it was, but she didn't want to tell me.  I told her to tell me what she thought.  She thinks it's Christmas.  She thinks the stress of being good is just too much.

So, I tried to take some stress off.  I went ahead and gave her shopping money for Christmas instead of making her earn it.  She was then able to look through magazines (catalogs) and window shop. 

I try to do something Christmasy with her everyday.  Friday, we went to our church's craft night.  Saturday, she shopped with her $100.  She came home and wrapped!  She is now enjoying the season.

It just seems like 14 days is a long way to go.  I'm excited for the fun Christmas she will have.  She is hoping that she will have more presents than me and dogs again.

The doggies are being left alone a lot.  I do feel bad for them.  They sure do deserve to have us home more. 

I'm tired of buying gas twice a week!  I'm tired and can't seem to get un-tired.

Smooth Sailing

We've had a time of smooth sailing.  Dee is pushing boundaries, but it feels like it age-appropriate pushing.  So it's been pleasant.

She did put on quite the show in therapy.  We usually talk about therapy for part of the trip home, but we pretty much rode home in silence.  Dee is becoming upset when some of her behaviors are called out.  It's a good thing.  In the past, she has just been proud.

Last night, she sang with the school district's choir at an outdoor Christmas event.  It ended with fireworks.  She was afraid, as I knew she would be.  She was still with the choir at the time.  When the event was over, she came over saying it made her cry and gave her a headache.  (I think the sounds remind her of gunshots.)

I took all three girls to see Santa.  Those pictures were adorable.  I can't wait to get them back.

All in all --- not so bad.

Thanksgiving, etc.

We have had a very good Thanksgiving.  It's surprising.  One of my friends called and was shocked to hear that Dee is able to handle a holiday.  It has been pleasant, and there's been many opportunities for things to go wrong:

1.  I have loosened the bedtime and sugar consumption because of the time off.  I expect that with the return of waking up on time and going to bed on time, we will have some problems.

2.  She was forced to go ring bells for the Salvation Army when she didn't want to leave her All-TV All-of-the Time.  She did it.  Was pleasant.

3.  She did sneak some sweets and ate all 25 days of her advent calendar chocolate, but I just counted it as a loss to her.

4.  She received a letter from her birth brother.  I told her the Wednesday before Thanksgiving it was coming as a means to prepare her.  She woke up at 9:00 on Thanksgiving and checked the mail.  It was very emotional for her to read something from her actual sibling.  She has had not contact with any birth family member for more than three years.  She commented on his poor writing skills.  I told her that she wrote exactly like him when she came.  We could see her progress through his letter.

5.  She has played with that cell phone non-stop.  How long can 120 minutes actually last?  I keep adding rules.  The main one is that the phone must sleep with me every night.  She never misses.  I also got to give her some texting advice in response to her friend.  I tried to teach her to ignore some messages, change the topic and see herself in the "poor me" texts her friend sent.

6.  She has been earning Christmas money when she isn't glued to the TV. 

7.  We have a foster dog, and she is not helping much with him though she really wanted him.

She is not an adventurous kid.  Although we were at a mall that we have only been to once, she asked if we could go to McDonald's after our bell ringing.  She asked if we could see the same movie she saw last week with a friend instead of one of the many Thanksgiving releases.  And...she likes the control to watch TV.  She asks for computer time, and I have been holding back because her Christmas gift could be deciphered on it.

All in all a good holiday weekend.  I expect next week not to be so good.  But maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Arrggg!!!! One Year Since Finalization

Can you hear me yelling?  I'm so tired of my little girl.  Yesterday was our finalization anniversary.  Did we celebrate?  Oh no!  I'm way too smart for that.  But am I getting backlash anyway?  Of course.  I don't know if it's the anniversary of the finalization.  Or if it's Christmas or what? 

I celebrated our finalization with well wishes from Facebook friends, but I cautioned everyone that Dee could not handle congrats.  I did mention to her that a year ago, we were out of town. 

Dee has many learning disabilities but she is acting like she is dumb.  And she is a very sneaky child.  She is sneaking things and acting dumb!  She has suddenly forgotten which pills she takes in the mornings and which she takes in the evening.  I told her to sit down and do something, and suddenly she couldn't remember what I told her.

Does she want to be babied?  Does she want to drive me nuts?  I don't know.  I just know I'm tired.  And I wish we could just have fun without undertones.

Catching Up..

I find that when Dee is "on a roll" then I simply don't have the energy to think through what we are going through to write it out.  That's how this week has been.  She has been contrary to no end!  She has been argumentative on every little thing and disrespectful way past my tolerance level.

I finally told her something in her language:  THINGS.  "Keep this up, and I assure you there will be no Christmas in our house this year.  I love Christmas, and celebrating my Savior's birth.  But it's just way more important to me that I have a respectful daughter."

I believe she started to think about that, and I got an e-mail from her yesterday while she was at after-school care.

Hi Mommy,



When I came to adviter club I finely realized that it was my fault about what happened this morning. I felt and I still feel like I really I didn't need to get a adautoda [attitude]with you this morning.I told myself this"dee you need to get youre self underconcorle or you will not have a very happy mom. So would you weather want a grumpy mom or a happy mom,if you want a :) mom then you need to stratin up. i hope you forgive me I promise you this ill be kind to youn .

Translation: When I came to adventure club, I finally realized that it was my fault about what happened this morning. I felt and I still feel like I really didn't need to get an attitude with you this morning. I told myself this: "Dee, you need to get yourself under control or you will not have a very happy mom. So, would you rather have a grumpy mom or a happy mom? If you want a :) mom, then you need to straighten up I hope you forgive me. I promise you this, I'll be kind to you.

It was a good jump-off point.  She has been trying to do better.  She has not asked for her phone or other electronics because she knows she has not earned the right to have them.  She seems to be begging for more rigid boundaries so she can have something to fight against.

Yesterday morning she found out I was off from work, so she became jealous.  At 11:00, I got a call from her saying she was sick.  By 1:30 or 2:00, I had a kid having a tantrum because she was bored stuck in her bed.  I also told her it was like trust.  Now, if she is not feeling well...she cannot call me from school.  I will only come and get her for a fever on the thermometer or if she throws up her food from the past three days and there is a witness.  (She knows how to make herself throw up a little.)  Since I was home, I think her charade was actually worth it.

On the way to therapy after the pretend illness, we talked about several things.  Why she has been so mean.  She ventured some guesses, but I told her I didn't think that any of those were it.  She has standard therapy answers, like kids have standard church answers.  "What did you learn in Sunday School?"  "About God."  "Why were you acting like that?"  "I think I wanted to be in control."    I do think our talk gave her the chance to work  through some things and organize her thoughts.  It also gave me the chance to make sure she understood the rules.

In therapy, they are re-working on her book.  They have separated her life in parts.  So it's been decided that they are on Part 3.  It helps her to see progress.

Long week, but it's looking up!

Act Your Age

I noticed that Dee is acting more and more like a two- or three-year old.  She is not exactly bouncing back from her moods like she use to.  She seems to be teetering on the edge, waiting still for something to happen.

I told her yesterday if she continued to act like she is, then she will get privileges to match the age she is acting.  For instance, she is acting 3, then she will have the privileges of a 3-year old.  That is no sleepovers, no watching TV alone, no cell phone, etc.

The other thing I noticed about her is that she can be perfectly fine, but the minute she heads to the car or the house she becomes moody.  I pointed it out to her by telling a friend on the phone.  It's annoying!  Her answer to her nasty attitude is, "I didn't say that."  And my answer to her is "Action speaks louder than words."

She's been trying to be sneaky.  She did homework in homework helper where she just copied someone else.  When I made her re-do it.  She had a fit, and she didn't know how.  After I taught her and she was able, she started running around saying she was smart.  She tried to sneak the phone today.  The alarm on it went off when I called to tell my boss I was running late because of her.  She thought I would not notice that she grabbed it, and she was going to keep it.  I just stood by the car waiting, and when she turned.  I asked her if she forgotten something.  To her credit, she dug around in the car and pretended to get it from there.

Roxy
Roxy is not feeling well.  I may have to take her to the vet on Friday.  She is just laying around.

Chloe
Chloe is perfectly happy getting food from me and Dee and eating what Roxy doesn't eat.

Better go!  I have a girl to pick up from dance class.  Attitude Shield:  Check.  Mean Mom Voice:  Check.  Whiney Ear Plugs:  Nope.  Oh well, better go anyway!

Slumber Party

Dee went to a sleepover immediately after school.  The parent had four 10/11-year olds over.  I didn't know how it would go.  I told Dee to stay out of drama.  She had that little cell phone with her.  She called and talked to me several times.  She sent several text messages.  One saying she didn't like the drama.  But overall, she did well.

It went on and on.  She called this morning and asked me to bring her swim suit.  She called again in the afternoon, and asked me to meet Hostess Mom and daughter and her at a nearby restaurant.

It was very nice for me to relax.  She had fun.  Before we left the restaurant, she was already changing her mood.  She was rushing me out of the restaurant, but she knew she just wanted to blow.

I looked at her friend and say, "I do hope you can come spend the night next weekend.  If I have to cancel, it will be because Dee did not handle this overnighter well."  And I just keep reminding Dee.  She has tried a few times to be irritable.

She tried the playing dumb thing.  She didn't know which pills to take.  I gave her several chances, and asked her to put it down until she figured it out.  In the end, I told her what pills to take.  I also told her there will be no more overnights until she understood her medication because I thought she already did.  I know she knows what meds to take.  It's the playing dumb thing.  I call it the vacuum thing after a Christine Moer video.

She is very tired, and crawled into bed.  She only had six hours of sleep last night, so I know she will sleep well!

Sleepover

So yesterday, Dee got a last-minute invitation to a slumber party for today.  This child has been to our house many-a-times, but Dee has stayed over at her house only once.  And that's the only time I've let her stay with anyone.  The ante was raised this time because the whole girl clique would be there.  But I said, "yes."  After school, we had to go buy a present.  Dee knew they were going to a movie, but she didn't know she was spending the night until I asked her if she was going to be OK.  She was excited.

I was looking through the stuff she packed and she found jeans that don't fit well but that still have pockets.  I cut the pockets out.  She came in while I was doing it, and said, "Really Mom?"  I just stared back.  She then just stood there looking down while snot ran out out her nose.

Then she said she didn't think it mattered because she was going to a friend's house and not school.  I stopped what I was doing and went to bed.  This morning we continued the discussion and Dee said she didn't know why I was so upset.  I told her it was because I was letting her go somewhere because I thought she was 10 and mature, but she doesn't even understand our home rules.  Very unpleasant morning.

However, she is going to the sleepover, and the dogs and I are having a party!!!!!

Therapy -- Always helpful

After the last week, we walked into therapy and the therapist asked Dee to rate her week and she said a 10.  I was stunned.  I said a 2.  We found the discrepancy was Dee was only talking this week, not the week since we last went to therapy.  Then she gave herself a zero.  And for the week she was talking about, I gave her a 9.

We continued on our discussion.  Dee explained that since she first came, she thinks she is doing better because:  1) She thinks about the consequences of what she may do or say.  2) She knows when to give herself time away to calm down.

I mentioned my worry about her fighting the details of what I may say.  I said, "Dee may choose to argue one detail in something I say, and I gave an example.  I told the therapist that I was concerned that she was very smart or very not.  Dee said I know the answer.  She said it was a little of both.  But what I am saying to her doesn't always sound the way I say it to her.  We agreed I would have her parrot what I said when she does it.

Dee explained why she didn't want to talk about her birth family.  The therapist told her that it would be easier as time goes on.  I told her I didn't want her to replace real memories with fantasy thoughts. 

Dee shared what we learned about guilt and "actions speak louder than words."

I said that I thought Dee had a meltdown because of something that happen last week in therapy.  The therapist couldn't come up with anything.  Dee finally said, "It can happen when there is too much niceness."  Dee didn't want to talk about difficult things, so the therapist told her they didn't have to.  Although they did, Dee really didn't like the control she thought she seem to have.  That is the thin line I walk with her all of the time.

It was a good session.  Dee was not as focused as she can be.  But as always, she has the best insight to herself.

She mentioned when we came home, she didn't realize her selecting parts of what I said to argue about made me worry about her.  So now we are going to watch for it. 

She really is a smart girl in many ways.  And she has been so pleasant, she is fun to have around.

Her daycare leader has said that the positive reinforcement she initiated seems to have help.  She said when she was learning about it in one of her education classes, she thought, "I bet I can try that with Dee."  I appreciate that she cares that much.

So, we will see how tomorrow goes.  But today was pretty positive.

She's coming back

My Dee is back.  She is still acting very cry-babyish, but she is not acting defiantly disrespectful.  I'm not sure what exactly caused all of this.  I have some theories.

She has been talking about birth family.  They are on her mind and she'd die before admitting it, but she is afraid of her birth family.   The first time they came into custody was in April.  I'm going to see if I can back into the second time.  Maybe that's the problem.

She loves THINGS.  The idea of losing things at Christmas, especially something I've put enough thought into to buy it early is really motivating for her.  It also makes her happy.

Maybe she remembers that we finalized last year.  We kept it low key, but I'm sure it was very bitter-sweet for her.

If none of those are true...then I think the kid may have bipolar syndrome.

A Little Better

It was hard for me to allow Dee to interact with me today.  She has just not been kind, and I'm pretty sick of it.  I felt I lectured her way too many times today, but I wanted her to really understand what the stakes were for her continued disrespect.

I explained to her that I had already bought her biggest Christmas gift.  But the next incident of disrespect at home, at school, or anywhere else would take Christmas away.  In our home, we technically give four gifts:  Me, Santa, and the two dogs.  Then there are gifts from family members and friends.  I told her I would one by one start telling people that she could not accept gifts this year.  From the biggest to the smallest.

I did explain to her that I really wanted her to have a great Christmas, and that's why I had already began shopping for her.  But....it's way more important that I have a respectful child. 

She doesn't know why she is being this way.  She suggested it is because people tell her "no."

Tonight she brought me a scrapbook she is making for me.  It is super thoughtful.  She said she was making it for Christmas.  I told her keep making it, I'd love it!!!

So, we start another week.  Let's hope my little girl finds her inner respectful self!

No Fun!

It amazes me how much my plans can change from the time I leave work to when I pick up Dee.  Yesterday, I wondered if we should eat fast food and go to a movie.  Or maybe we should walk the dogs to a nearby fast food place, and have a game or movie night.  By the time I picked up Dee, I could only concentrate on getting away from my own child.

Today, we had a silent day.  I let Dee hear me tell my mom that I was not going to communicate with a person who speaks with such hate and disrespect in her voice.  I do mean that.  She answers back with such hatred or such evilness it's unreal.  Today when she would try to joke with me or have some of our normal banter, I'd decidedly stare at her.  Then, I'd walk away.

We had to grocery shop.  She did not ask for a single thing.  She knew better.  I told her to take her bath.  She ran the bath water.  And 45 minutes later, she was still not in it.  I had to tell her to take the bath.  Then she was purposely splashing water.  I walked in with my deadpan voice, "What are you doing?"  Then I just said, "Wash up."  It's a horrible way to live.  Talking at your kid instead of with your kid.

I will lessen up just a little tomorrow.  I want her to know this is not going to work for me.

One thing she does that puzzles me though is the picking the one thing that may not be 100% accurate to concentrate on.  I may say, "I told you that you to sit down and do your homework."  She will say, "You didn't say sit down."  And then she will repeat it over and over.  Is she smart, and just playing me?  Or she really mentally delayed and can't even hear the whole sentence?  I really don't know.  I usually end up screaming, "Forget I said sit down.  Are you doing your homework?"  It happens all of the time!

This weekend I could have used some respite so I could re-like my kid when she came home.  I didn't answer my phone all day.  I can tell friends are getting concerned.  I just napped all day long.

OK...off to bed.  I'm actually anxious to get back to work!

Tired and Frustrated

My little doggie girls need a bath badly, and today they are my priority.  My little two-legged is driving me nuts!!!  She has been disrespectful at her after care place consistently.  They really try to make it work and not kick her out.  I know they are beginning to not be happy she is there.  I know I would be.  Last week or the week before, she told Miss Danielle she was not the boss of her.  Then out and out refused to take her five-minute time out for Mr. Jake.  Yesterday she told Miss Danielle she was lazy and was mean all day to her. 

Bless her heart, Miss Danielle took her around with her so she could see what  she does.  Then later in the day, she was out and out defiant.  Miss Danielle made a chart of five things for her to review with her everyday.  Things like:  I will not take my anger out on others.  I love that they try, but it's backfiring.  Dee likes the attention she is getting.  I think I'm going to tell them to set her apart and let her do nothing instead.

When I got her home, she was defiant and disrespectful.  She then went for an all out tantrum.  She threw the dog bowls, broke a framed picture in the kitchen, threw her silverware and did the jump up and down like a two-year old.  I have to say, when she is doing this, I feel she is very delayed.  I told her to come and eat and it was dinnertime.  If she didn't eat now, then she could eat breakfast.  She stood at her plate at the table tantruming and yelling, she is hungry and she wants to eat.  Asking why I won't let her eat.  I was sitting at the table saying grace, then eating my food.

I am so tired of this behavior.

GUILTY as Charged

Wednesday night at 10:30
I'm a little too tired to cover all that has happened in the past few days.  But I did want to cover some of it.  Dee binged on Halloween candy, as I anticipated.  But she turned downright mean.  I had mentioned to her that she got to keep her candy because of her improvement.  Well, I was wrong.  I was not pleased with her in the least yesterday or today.  She was belligerent, and defiant over everything.  It started because she realized I found something she had snuck to school.  It wasn't in her book bag or lunch bag.  She got up when I was walking out the door, but she had time to sneak something in her leggings or underwear.

Today I told her that I would be thoroughly checking, and she asked if that meant opening her pants.  So, of course, I said, "Yes."  And I thought, "Thanks for the hint."  That knowledge was followed by another tantrum.  She was definitely trying to go to a full-blown rage.  When it was over, it was over.  She was happy.

Thursday at lunchtime
I told you I was tired.  I had to got o sleep last night.

Well, I've been doing a body search for the past two days.  I think it is horrible to have to do.  It seems the more I do, the more creative she becomes.  We both hate this.

We had a birthday party for a friend last night, OK more like a birthday gathering.  The birthday girl was 48, the other three of us were in our early 50's and the birthday girl's mom was in her late 70s or early 80s.  Dee had invited everyone.  So when it was game time, she gave us a choice of:  Freeze Tag or Musical Chairs!

Back to the title of my post.  I explained to Dee about guilt.  How it feels.  How she reacts when she is guilty.  How unfair it is that she tries to make me pay for her guilty feeling.  Later that day when we were running around the for the party stuff, Dee was in the car reading the Bible.  I asked her why because I could tell it was a show thing.  She said she decided to read the Bible every time she felt guilty.

Later, at the party, she did something.  And someone said something about her feeling guilty.  She screamed..."Oh please no!  I don't have time to read the Bible!"  She is such a nut!!!!

E-Mail from Dee at School

Here's a nice note in the middle of the day:

hi mom




I doing great so far on my mod.

I can't wait to go treak or treat with you and chole/bat wonmen and roxy/supper women and mom/super mom to the rescuo. oh i for got what time are you picking me up? and i'm doing good in mrs G's class. for a fact i im in mMrs. G's class right now. and i was woundering if Serena and her mom could come over terak or trit with us? if not thats ok. i am also sort of controling my hormes.not so good thoghe:( i am sort of said because i'm at school learning stuff that i'd dot want to learn. miss you. see you.



Love You! LOVE:DEE