A Fun Weekend

Originally, we wanted to take part of the tax refund to go to Disney World.  Dee, however, is not comfortable with good things.  It became very apparent to me that she would sabotage the trip after the first day.  So this weekend, we spent the vacation money in other ways.

1.  We are booked to fly "home."  Home is where my family is.  Dee has not met them.  We are excited for her to see how I grew up, and to understand her family more.

2.  We bought a game system.  An X-box 360.  Dee loves it!

3.  We bought a new TV.  Our biggest TV was 19 inches, and really old, so we updated.

4.  We replaced our dying washing machine.

5.  We went to a movie and got mani-pedis!

I also got a new mattress set, though that was not bought with the refund money.

We spent lots of money and had fun doing it.

Dee was super respectful and obedient.  I mentioned how much I loved this responsible girl, and she said, "Well, you better get use to it!"

I have a feeling she does not like fireworks.  She wanted to go to a 4th of July carnival until she found out it included fireworks.  I think she then overheard me tell someone on the phone that I was going to surprise her and drive her in her PJs to see some nearby.  She sabotaged both!

Other than that...it was all fun!

Turning 50

My 50th birthday was this week. My little girl is usually very thoughtful, but she only wants to be on her own time! She does not like it when she is not the center of attention. After having a huge celebration at work, I came home birthday-ed out. We had agreed to celebrate at home the day after.

Dee made my cake the day before my birthday. While neighbors were visiting, she decided to frost it alone. I've never seen anything like it! She somehow took off the top of the cake, and was frosting the inside. It was horrible. I didn't even take a picture...I threw the cake away. I must say, this year she sabotaged unconsciously versus her normal decided sabotage.

I did buy ingredients for her to try again, but it's so hot! The Schwan's lady came, and I bought an ice cream cake. We celebrated. I told her I deserved a good birthday. And I let her hear me tell friends on the phone that deserve a good cake and a good birthday. I made the nachos she planned to make me for my day. I just talked to the dogs, and let her hear me celebrate with them.

Dee did try to give me a gift from a game arcade. I did not take it because the gift was bigger than the amount of tickets she should have had. I didn't know if she stole it, stole the tickets or what.

We planned to repeat the trip to the arcade to watch her earn enough points. She explained the next day how she got so many points. I let her know that I still did not feel it added up, but let it go. Dee does have about $40. However, she was absolutely unwilling to use any of her money for a gift. Normally, I'd like anything, but since her money is precious to her, I would have like to see her sacrifice some of it for my gift.

We established since she turned 10 and I turned 50, let's just assume I am smarter or at least as smart as she is.

On a happier note...the doggies gave me the George Foreman grill I've been wanting. They set an example for their sister!!!

Consequences

Dee has been unable to relax because she knew we still had to talk to our therapist about the whole stealing/lying/porn episode.  She doesn't like "difficult sessions." 

Miss Michelle, our therapist, says that if we don't nip this in the bud it can easily become an obsession.  I think we were well on the way to seeing that.

We also talked about her habit of lying.  Miss Michelle said that it's not uncommon in RAD kids that they have HABIT of lying.  She agrees that Dee lies so much, she no longer knows what is truth and what is not truth.

Dee came out from the session and said, "Can we now never speak of this again?"  I could not agree to that.  Plus, Little Girl does not get to be in control after throwing our lives totally out of control!  Nice try.

We do consequences now only one day at a time.  So, she may lose the right to watch TV or lose electronics for a day, or if it's really bad, she will all privileges for a day.  This week, she had several days of loss of privileges, and one day where she loss the right to her DVD for multiple days.

I told her yesterday, "I wish I could just ask you what happened, and believe you.  But since you are at zero trust, I can't believe you."  She said something like "I don't blame you" or "I think that's smart of you."

I have found that Dee has more respect when I have found her in her lies or misbehavior and are consequencing her than if she feels she is getting away with something.  I explained to her that just because I don't consequence doesn't mean I don't know.  I am just letting her have another chance.  I have to learn that it's a test on her part, and if I don't consequence, then to her, I have failed.  Now that I know the rules, I think I can be more successful!

Away at Camp

Dee has spent the week at an away camp.  It came at just the right time.  I was happy to see her go, and needed some time to regroup and re-energize.

I took off three days of work while she was at camp to get the full effect.  She is having fun with other kids who have been in or are in foster care.

She wrote me five notes:  Things I could do, Things I could eat; Things I couldn't eat, Things I couldn't do and a I miss you mom note.  She secretly wrote them, and I secretly wrote her five.  My notes are hidden in her Bible, PJ's, toothbrush holder, and luggage.

She will want to know she was missed, but will be sad for her to come home to messy room she left.  Last year, I cleaned her room thoroughly.  This year, it's as she left it.

Good-bye peace...hello beautiful daughter!

Adoption Tax Credit

I did not adopt a special needs child for the refundable adoption tax credit.  That would be insane.  But...once I found out the credit was going to be refundable...I started planning for it.  It could pay off some bills.  Dee and I could go on a vacation.  It would be the windfall I need to get us on a more solid ground for the new family style we have.

When I filed my return in January, I had no idea that it would be a five-month ordeal.  The first letter I got said they were denying Dee because her SSN was wrong.  I made the fatal error of NOT changing her SSN too close to my filing.  I decided to wait to not confuse my taxes.  Since I had to send all of the adoption paperwork, I wrote  her name as Dee OldLastName NewLastName.  It didn't match up in the system.  Kicked her out as a dependent.  Without a dependent, I didn't qualify for my head of household status.  That would have been easy to clear up, but when I called, they had shipped my return cross-country to be examined for the tax credit.  No one could fix that part...it would have to wait until the adoption credit was reviewed.

Oh...the drama of the tax credit.  Faxing and refaxing paperwork.  Dealing with not-so-polite IRS workers.  Filling out releases for my Congressman.  Waiting...waiting...waiting.

But here it is, on the first day of the sixth month after I filed, my refund is scheduled to be deposited in my account.  We are paying bills.  We will take a short trip.  I will help family.  And we will have breathing room.  How nice!  

I hope that next year it is communicated that if you file your tax return with this credit, it may take four - six months to get the refund.  With that bit of knowledge, this could have been a lot less stressful.

The Slippery Slide

Well, if I thought reality was Dee's major problem, I was naive! 
One night, I got an e-mail from my niece asking me to send her a picture by text message.  I went to get my cell phone, and could not find it.  I looked everywhere.  Then...Dee as clear as a bell asked me what I was doing.  Why was this child not sleep AGAIN at 11:30?  Well...I was about to find out.

Dee had stolen my cell phone.  Probably after I put her to bed.  And she was on a bunch of porn sites.  I think this is why she could not sleep other nights.

I went nuts!  Just crazy.  Because the day before, Dee had bitten a little girl on the leg...no upper thigh.  I had talked to her about how that could be seen both as violence and sexual harassment.  I had noticed these porn sites on my phone history before, but I couldn't positively trace them to her.  I wondered if it was some sort of virus.  This time, I knew.  She denied it even with the evidence in her face.

I determined that the problem was surfacing because of another child in the neighborhood.  So the next day, I took Dee to the girl's dad's house and told them that I suspected the girls had been watching porn together, and who knows what else.  They had already noticed the girls being mean to others when they were together.  So they had forbidden her to be friends with Dee, and it was right in line with my forbidding.

Dee is just very angry.  She's mad because she is at zero trust level.  She's mad that I accused her of sexual motives when biting that child.  (I didn't mention that two weeks ago she had bitten another child and licked him.)  I had to tell my little girl that when other people tell their children about stranger danger and bad touching, no one is thinking it could be a 10-year old girl.  But it can be or a 13-year old girl.

It's very disconcerting.  I felt I was going to have a stroke.  I am also talking to a wall.  She is within my sight at all time. I left her to go to the bathroom, and told her to stay in her seat.  She went in the backyard, and the next thing I knew she was calling the girl's name she is commanded to stay away from. 

Dee is going to take 10 years off my life.

I can't tell if it's real or not but I know it's your fault!

Dee did not go to sleep last night when she should. She had the flashlight on and was reading a book. When I checked at 11:30 p.m. she was still awake. I decided not to fight with her and just see what she was like when she woke up.

This morning, she did not get up well. Just in time to really walk out of the door without her hair combed. That is the reason we managed to forget to give her her medicine on Sunday. I remembered during Sunday School when she was not behaving at all.

After SS, I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie. I drove her home, and said go “take your medicine and put on some pants.” She was in the bathroom a long time, and announced she was constipated. I was a bit suspicious since she had grabbed my laptop and apparently changed the channel on the TV (which was on for the dog) before going to the bathroom. This all happened when she went to get her meds, but she never took them.

After spending about an hour and a half in the bathroom WITH THE COMPUTER, she came out. I told her to take the medicine, and we no longer had time to go to the movies. She grabbed the pills, and after a while I went to check on her she was playing in make-up, and HAD NOT TAKEN HER MEDICATION. It was nearly 2:30.

I made her take the medicine. I asked her to put on pants and a shirt. (She was being "cute" and had on a camisole and skirt with her make-up.) She started screaming, yelling and jumping up and down. I told her to just put on the pants in her room that are probably somewhere on the floor. She said, no...she yelled, “I DON’T HAVE ANY. “ I told her she had to because she had not taken anything down to the laundry room. She yelled disrespectfully, “I HAVE. TAKEN IT, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOOK.”

She started throwing things and banging things. I told her let’s go. She started yelling about the police station. I didn’t even tell her I was talking about the grocery store. In the end she de-escalated fast. As she kept slamming things, I took her dollar bill she left in the living room and shredded it with my hands before her very eyes. (Later I told her that is the same respect she has for my things.)  After continuing to slam doors and scream, I took her to the police station. Office Collins was not pleased. He has promised her and me that the next time starts reports. I totally agree with that. He explained to her that kids who cause trouble will go to a home where they are not even allowed to wear clothing.  Just paper clothes with plastic shoes.

I brought Dee back home to get her shoes because in her rage, she could not grab shoes. I reminded her that I was not going to tolerate this anymore. I gave her two minutes to put on pants, and shoes.  I made her stay at my side in the store.  She tried to make it irritate me, but it didn't.  At dinner, she refused to eat. It could have been the Adderall.  I decided only meals and no sweets whatsoever.  I made her sit at the table, facing the table, no book, no paper just me eating.

I did try to talk to Des and she said that she started this because I was mean. I kept asking her what is mean about taking someone to the movies. She screamed, not the movies, but she had nothing.  Dee preplanned the anger by taking the computer into the bathroom. I let that slide. (She didn't realize I let it slide.  She assumed I became angry.  She yelled at some point she had it, and I said, "OK" and kept reading the Sunday paper.)  I even let it slide when  I realized she had changed the channel and didn’t come out of the bathroom. I didn’t get angry until I found her in the make-up and the pills still had not been taken.

I do have a concern that Dee may have some newly developing mental issue. She is beginning to not be able to distinguish what really happened or what was real from a thought.

An example, last week after therapy, I talked to her about her telling the therapist that I am mean and that's why she is misbehaving.  It's really her anticipation of my discipline that makes her misbehave more.  She knows she will have a consequence, but even if she doesn't get it, she thinks she did.

 I could tell she didn’t know what was right. Then my fish was sick and I asked her if Peaches died and I were upset if she would flush her for me. She said that she had flushed a fish before and she would not do it again. I reminded her of the three fish we had flushed, she had flushed none. Then she said, “At least I fed them worms.” I told her she didn’t feed them worms. She asked if she could feed them a worm, but instead she ran when I brought the worms out.

At the end of the day, I called her in and talked to her. I told her I was concerned about her not being able to distinguish reality from fiction. I told her it was very dangerous. She said she couldn’t help it, then I told her to stop day dreaming, it doesn’t work for her.

We talked about the things she misses out on that I tell her I was considering (this time, the movie, a phone, a laptop, Chiefs cheerleading camp, and opportunity to babysit again). She also misses out on being trusted.  And she ends up with more consequences than she even feared at the beginning.

She went to bed happy and understanding. But that may only last for day.

Last Day of 4th Grade

Today, Dee went to the last day of 4th grade.  It is the first time we did an entire year of school together.  What a year!  She had an absolutely spectacular teacher.  Her special ed teacher is also awesome.  She will have her again next year.  But as I looked back, Dee and I made it through because of her teachers and her day care leaders.  They work great with her.  We gave each of them a thank you token.

Yesterday, when I picked her up from daycare, they were having a year end celebration.  Dee was not participating because she had bitten and licked a child.  She said they were all doing it and only she was punished.  She was made to apologize to the leader and the child.  And then I let it go.

So today, we woke up all excited with the last day of school.  I took the day off to pick her up at lunch time when school ended.  But as I cleaned the back of the car to pick up another child, I found a cigarette butt.  That reminded me of something I thought I saw in the house underneath the chair, but was too lazy to check.  Yup...two more cigarette butts.  I was furious!

I went to get the other child, took the doggie girls to the groomer, and then we picked up Dee.  We went to the movies.  I mentioned there to her I had found some things and where, and I was disappointed.  She, a fast-thinking liar, said she was doing a science project.  I reiterated I was disappointed.

We then went home for some free time, to the pool and out to eat.  When we finally came home, I mentioned it to her again.  She said, "I told you why I had it."  I told her she had, but I didn't believe her.  Our day of fun when downhill fast.  She began to become Miss Oppositional.  And I told her not only was she losing trust, she was also losing the right to anything fun.

Her therapist said if she ever is going to be able to handle good, I have to keep giving it to her in small doses.  I do hate doing nice things for her because we always have to pay for it.

The little girl we picked up is my boss' child.  Dee was in love with their nicer home, big yard with a swing set and swimming pool.  Finished basement with all the fun amenities and grand piano.  As we left, she said to the parents, "I have one question:  Can I live here?"  RAD lives on!

This mom of a 5th grade girl is tired and is going to bed!

Therapeutic Parenting

If you adopt a child from foster care, you will find that many people do not understand your parenting of your child.  The act of un-parenting before you parent is just a concept that others don't get if they have not been through it.

I have found that even many who do practice therapeutic parenting don't always get my parenting of Dee.  I tried all of the "standard" therapeutic parenting techniques with her.  Many don't work.  So if you have a therapeutic parent watching and they see you tell your RAD child "get out of the car" or if you call the police, they tend to gasp and judge.  But that's no different than what non-adoptive parents think of their techniques.

The reality is this with my child:  She likes boundaries.  No, she needs boundaries.  She wants someone to tell her how far she can go and remain safe.  And if she puts even a pinky toe past the safe point, she wants someone to care enough to take action -- extreme action if necessary.

Those who are involved in Dee's life with me:  her therapist, psychiatrist, adoption workers all agree that a different kind of parent than I am would have ruined her.  I tried it all.  And I'm glad that I never stopped before I caught on to her needs.  I wish I had a kid who I could compliment without her destroying it.  I wish my child didn't admit that she felt comforted by seeing anger come into my face.  But one day, I think I will.  And why?  Because I gave her what she needed, not what everyone thought I should.

The Long Weekend

We've had a long stay-at-home weekend with not that many activities.  One thing I love is that now we are both at home with each other.  We can do our own thing, and be comfortable.  I can trust her outside to play with other kids.  She can watch TV in the living room and I can watch in my room.  I don't have to entertain her every minute like I did the first year.

On Friday, Dee had a great birthday!  She loved, loved, loved all of the attention.  Her gifts were Dee-appropriate.  She felt so happy and loved!  We all enjoyed watching her!

She made it through her birthday.  It's one of those unsuspecting triggers for her.  She wondered if her birth mom remembered her birthday.  Of course, I told her.  No one in the world pushed you out, but her.  And a pleasant surprise was her birth aunt sent her a "happy birthday" through a special dummy Facebook account I made.  Dee said, "At least someone remembered."  I think it comforted her, but she didn't really care.

I'm so glad I made contact with someone in her birth family.  It has stopped Dee from pitting me against her "made-up" family.  She has had to be more honest.  And they don't seem so distant for her.  We did agree I would not tell her anything birth family though.  I did tell her about the birthday greeting, and asked her if that was the right thing to do, and she said it was.

She actually had a good long weekend. I don't think she had any serious consequence through the weekend.


Dee said tonight that God is pleased with her because she is a very loving girl when she is not angry.  I agreed.  Then I asked her what God thought when she was angry.  She said disappointed.  I reminded her we all disappoint God, but we should never do it on purpose.

A neighbor stopped me to tell me that her church, which is a different religion (not just denomination) than mine has activities for girls, and she thinks Dee would benefit.  I listened, but then had to tell her that Dee's spiritual health was more important to me than her social health.  I reminded her that we had different beliefs.  She understood.  She told me she was adopted at age six.  I've known her for several years, and this was the first time she mentioned it.  Her invitation was sincere.  She said she remembered how hard it was.

Dee brought home standardized test scores in Social Studies and Science.  She was in the 51st percentile for Social Studies (Amazing!) and 24th percentile in Science (Wonderful!).  She was in the 9th - 12th percentile in everything last year.  In math, she went from 478 to 710!  My little girl is learning...despite her learning disabilities.

This is one of the weeks when I feel I can dream for her.  I can see her as a successful adult!  It's pretty cool!

My Baby turns 10!

Tonight, I sit back and think about the day Dee was born.  It was a Sunday.  I wasn't there.  I checked my calendar to see what I was doing that day.  I had nothing for the actual day, but since it was a Sunday, I can assume I went to church and Sunday School.  But that week, I had two doctor's appointments because I was still pretty sick from my pulmonary hypertension.

Dee often asks me to tell her the story of the day she was born.  I can recreate it from the bits I know.  I know what time her birth mom went to the hospital, and when she started pushing.  So...I tell her around 10:00 the night before her birth mom started feeling funny.  She was taken to the hospital.  She felt pain off and on all night.  Then around 7:00 the next morning, she started screaming, "SHE'S COMING!  SHE'S COMING!"  And at 7:44 a.m. a beautiful 5 pound 14 ounce, and 19 inch long girl was born three weeks early.  She was happy and healthy.

But more recently, she has started asking, "Tell me about my adoption."

I say, "There were tons of kids pictures.  And I kept looking for the right kid.  Then one day, they sent me the picture of this little girl with braids and a dimple. I heard about how charming and sweet she was.  And even though she had some anger problems, I said, "That's my girl.  That's the one I want."  I ran around the office showing everyone your picture.  But it's not that easy.  It took a lot of work to be able to adopt you.  I did a lot of stuff, and I waited and waited, and bugged people until finally they said you were mine! 

Then I met you and you said, "Hi, I'm tall, and I'm going to call you Mommy."  That was the happiest day of my life!

Now...my little girl is turning 10!  It's her second birthday with me.  She is nervous.  She said 10 is two numbers and then puberty!

I feel like she is growing so quickly and there is so little time before this child, who I'm just getting to know, flies the coop.

Happy Birthday Dee!!!  Love, Mommy

A "Normal" Day

Today we had a normal day.  Not our normal, but the kind of normal that most people have everyday.  We had a clean up day.  Dee is better at it than I am, so I still have work to do.  But her contribution really helped.  She was working off a debt.  Then I took her to buy the hook she wanted to hang her netting for a canopy feel to her bed.

At some point, she took the TV from the basement and put it in her room.  She had a TV in her room once, and it did not work.  She had to hang up a contract to keep it.  It says she must be 100% responsible with the TV.  No TV before school, church or any early Saturday activity.  No TV after bedtime.  No watching any channel I have blocked on the living room TV.   No second chances.

When she prayed tonight, she asked God to let us have more days like this.  To let me know she had made her decision, and she would be a more respectful girl.  (In therapy, she refused to make the commitment.)  She was very happy and loving.  I hope it doesn't scare her and she just continues this way.

Socially Inadequate

Dee's friend who spends some weekends with her dad is here.  I told Dee she was here.  Dee wore a skirt that took a lot of convincing of me that it met the minimum length for skirts in our house.  She put on jewelry.  She took her purse, and went to play.  Then, when she got outside, her bike seat was too hot for that short skirt, so she came back in.

I was watching from the window and saw R, and A (Dee's closest friend on the block) hug because they were happy to see each other.  Now, I'd expect when Dee got outside and saw both of her friends, she'd be overjoyed.

Noooo...she looked over at the girls with darts of hate and jealousy.  A said something, but Dee just sat there.  She pulled her non-working cell phone from her purse and may a pretend call.  She got on the bike, off the bike.  Sipped some ice, on the bike, off the bike.  Then she rode around the block several times until they must have begged her to come play.

I was watching and shaking my head.  She's heard nothing I've said about having friends, sharing friends, etc.  My little socially inept extrovert...what am I going to do with her?

Crazy Activity

Today, Dee and I sat down and shopped on the adoption site for a sibling.  (NO...WE ARE NOT GETTING ONE...IT'S JUST PRETEND!)  I looked for cute little girls who were younger than Dee.  But when you read about them, they sound just like her.  She looked for African American boys who had similar issues to her, and did not have siblings that they wanted to maintain contact with.  She said if we got a girl, she would need to be a baby.  She didn't want to compete.  And if the boy had issues, then she could help him! (How funny is that!?)  She would like to get her older brother, but that's just bad news.

We may do respite this weekend for a girl.  I don't know her age or anything except she has a high level of care.  Dee is OK with that...well, until she comes.

The 4th Grade Trip

Dee and I were not getting along when we went on the 4th grade trip.  She was in the throes of non-compliance and definance.  But she was the least of my problems on the trip.

It was a 6-hour roundtrip ride with three other moms.  I must say, I had very little in common with these ladies.  They were all younger than I am.  They all seemed very materialistic.  I believe they were showing off for me, and trying to up one another.  I just rolled my eyes on the way there.  On the way back, I thought about my aching feet.  But it did make me understand what Dee must go through at school.  Their children are her classmates.  I'm busy teaching her "People are more important than things."  And she is competing against some serious materialistic ideas.

We visited the state capital.  It was fun to tour the capitol, the supreme court building and a nature center.  The children did great.  I could see how Dee lagged behind her peers both academically and socially. 

The Straw

Have you heard of the straw?  No...not a drinking straw, THE straw!  You know, the one that broke the camel's back?  Well, I know how that straw feels.  It's not something huge that breaks it.  It's just one more thing when you can't take anymore.

Last week, I picked Dee up at school.  I asked, "How was school?  How did your work on your science fair go?"  She said with that nasty attitude I don't like:  "What?  Fine."  And I blew!  I just about had all the nasty attitude I could take.  With me disregulated, it meant things went downhill fast!

I was not taking any attitude and she was only giving it.  The next day on the way to school, I threatened to kick her out of the car.  When we got to school, she slowly got out of the car, and I walked to the building and back to the car, and she was still just getting out.  So I jumped in the car, and told her stay in.  We're going home.

I asked her if she wanted to spend the day with me or go to juvie!  She didn't answer.  (They were both horrible choices and she knew it.)  So, I drove past the house straight to the police station.  (One of us was going to end up in jail, and I decided it was better if it was not me.)  She begged and pleaded.  I made her write a contract, and then I took her back to school.   The understanding is if she pulls any of her current attitude or stunts I will say, "In the car" and if she doesn't go, I'll call the police.

I talked with friends who said this is how girls talk when they hit puberty.  You have to let it roll off your back.  I decided it may be the way girls want to talk when they hit puberty, but it's not going to be the way my girls talks.  She is not even 10 yet, and we have these issues.  What will I do with a 16 year old if I let her get away with this stuff?

Things have been better since that day.  If she puts any edge to her voice, I say "Tone" and she remembers the contract and straightens up. 

I do wish I could get her to straighten up without fear of police, but. it's them now or later.  So, if I get their help now, then later she may not be a customer of theirs.