I find value in helping others. If I want to feel good about myself, then I bake cookies for someone, visit someone who ill, just do something for someone else. It's not a great resaon to help others, but I sort of just do it because it makes me feel good. We tend to do what makes us feel good.
Things -- actual things -- make Dee feel good. She feels good when she is getting gifts. In the absence of that...she just takes the things. I know she can't feel good about the stealing, but the actual thing...it brings her comfort.
Dee's feel good activity is making me feel very not so good! I marched her into the fourth store to pay for something she stole yesterday. It's always the same.
Me - Excuse me, may I speak to a store manager.
Manager - May I help you?
Me - I'm Gale and this my daughter, Dee. I have discovered we have an item from your store that was not paid for. I think Dee needs to tell you the rest.
[The manager usually will then look at Dee.]
(In her sweetest little girl voice)...
Dee - I took something from your store and I didn't pay for it. I'm very sorry.
Me - How are you going to make it this right?
Dee - I wll pay for it. I will stick by my mom, and I won't do it again.
Manager - I'm sure you are sorry. And you won'at do it again right? Ok.
Me - Just a minute. What's your protocol for shoplifters? What happens if she does it again? Do you have security? Where are they?
Everyone always thinks I'm mean. They always think Dee is sweet and forced into it because of her mean mom. Sometimes I mention it is not her first offense, sometimes I don't.
Her stealing is a habit. It drives me bananas!!!! And the thing she wants so much, she can't use, play or wear because she has to keep it hidden the entire time.
I can remember finding items from the following:
Cell phones: Patricia, School, Barry and me twice
Stores: Build-a-Bear, Petco, CJ Banks, and Power Play
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I don't think you're going to be successful
Yup...that's what Dee said when I announced I'd be cutting back on calories to lose weight.
About 8 years ago, I was at my ideal weight. Now...I'm 80 pounds over! That's an extra 10 pounds a year, except 30 - 40 pounds of it came on right after my hysterectomy. I've attempted to lose it but usually didn't feel like it. But I'm at it right now in full force.
My company is participating in a city-wide challenge, and I signed up. My 10-week goal was officially 10 pounds. My real goal is 20. At the end of week one, I had lost four pounds. A good start. I hope for something similar in week two before I start losing the 1 1/2 pounds a week my caloric intake should allow me to lose.
I'm really motivated this time because of my darling daughter. I could say it's because I want to show her that I can make effort to change just like I ask her to do; or I want to be a healthy example for her. But really, it's because when I started, she said, "I don't think you're going to be successful at this." I want to show her never under-estimate me.
I just count calories, and have been doing fine with it. Dee doesn't like it though. She is often trying to tempt me with higher calories food than I need. :) I'm quite certain at the end, it will make an impression on her if I'm successful. Good motivation, huh?
About 8 years ago, I was at my ideal weight. Now...I'm 80 pounds over! That's an extra 10 pounds a year, except 30 - 40 pounds of it came on right after my hysterectomy. I've attempted to lose it but usually didn't feel like it. But I'm at it right now in full force.
My company is participating in a city-wide challenge, and I signed up. My 10-week goal was officially 10 pounds. My real goal is 20. At the end of week one, I had lost four pounds. A good start. I hope for something similar in week two before I start losing the 1 1/2 pounds a week my caloric intake should allow me to lose.
I'm really motivated this time because of my darling daughter. I could say it's because I want to show her that I can make effort to change just like I ask her to do; or I want to be a healthy example for her. But really, it's because when I started, she said, "I don't think you're going to be successful at this." I want to show her never under-estimate me.
I just count calories, and have been doing fine with it. Dee doesn't like it though. She is often trying to tempt me with higher calories food than I need. :) I'm quite certain at the end, it will make an impression on her if I'm successful. Good motivation, huh?
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Learning Disabilities
Dee has learning disabilities. We don't have names for all of them, but they are there. I'm sure she is dyslexic, though no one will diagnose her. Mom has diagnosed her.
When she first moved in, our house number is 4725. I sent her outside to learn her address. She came back and said it right. One minute later she said 4752. That's when my suspicion began. It shows itself in many ways.
Yesterday, our devotion had the word "forbidden" in it. She read "forbibben." (I know it doesn't make sense, but she must not know the actual word.) So, I said, "No, it's a "d." She read, "fordibben." I tried to get her to switch, but she couldn't. It happens all of the time. She is guessing words, so she doesn't remember what she came up with. She will read "tried" correctly in sentence one, and in sentence two she may read it "tired" or "tied" or "tree".
It's frustrating for us both, but she has no idea what words she is getting wrong. I realize that she is working two to three times as hard to read, but it's so hard to hear.
She also has a difficult time with math. But today she showed she misses the concept all together. I'm counting calories, so I said, "It was 30 calories per ounce, and I had six ounces." 30 x 6 is 180. Dee said, "Multiplication and division do not have 30. You cannot go that high."
In a few weeks, school will start. I will hold her to a similar standard as other 10-year olds, but I will probably be asking too much. It's sort of sad.
When she first moved in, our house number is 4725. I sent her outside to learn her address. She came back and said it right. One minute later she said 4752. That's when my suspicion began. It shows itself in many ways.
Yesterday, our devotion had the word "forbidden" in it. She read "forbibben." (I know it doesn't make sense, but she must not know the actual word.) So, I said, "No, it's a "d." She read, "fordibben." I tried to get her to switch, but she couldn't. It happens all of the time. She is guessing words, so she doesn't remember what she came up with. She will read "tried" correctly in sentence one, and in sentence two she may read it "tired" or "tied" or "tree".
It's frustrating for us both, but she has no idea what words she is getting wrong. I realize that she is working two to three times as hard to read, but it's so hard to hear.
She also has a difficult time with math. But today she showed she misses the concept all together. I'm counting calories, so I said, "It was 30 calories per ounce, and I had six ounces." 30 x 6 is 180. Dee said, "Multiplication and division do not have 30. You cannot go that high."
In a few weeks, school will start. I will hold her to a similar standard as other 10-year olds, but I will probably be asking too much. It's sort of sad.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Through the Wringer
My precious little girl has put me through the wringer. I found that on June 30th at a field trip she stole two things. I knew this that day. She has picked a lie and stuck with it. Then I found on July 5th at a different field trip, she stole something else. That was kept hidden until yesterday. She was confronted by me and her daycare worker, and had to confess. On the 8th of July she was caught after sneaking an old used cell phone to school --I had thrown it away once. I took the hammer to it this time (helped with the frustration too). And on Sunday, plotting even before church to steal some mechanical pencils she saw in the Sunday School classroom last week but giving up and attempted to take some note cards and a portable CD player. I'm exhausted. At work today, people kept telling me I looked tired. Hmmm. I wonder why. I mentioned it to Dee, and she said, "Yeah, you have bags."
Her Sunday episode led to tantrums and me leaving her while I ran to McDonald's drive-through. Her tantruming more, and a visit from the police. Losing her new Xbox 360, and a ton of privileges.
Out of the four days for school, she got up once and did her hygiene steps. (So much for the allowance chart.) That's right. I've been sending my child to school with nappy uncombed hair, a dirty face, and unbrushed teeth.
This evening she is in a better mood. She was still disrespectful. She asked why I wasn't making her such cute lunches. I asked her why would I take so much time for a disrespectful little girl.
A friend called to invite her spend the night and go to an amusement park. I can't believe it. Someone actually invited my child! (No friend of hers has ever invited her over. Well one time, one parent did invite her over for two hours, but that's it.) I'm thrilled. But I told her it all depends on her behavior. That ought to buy me some kindness.
Before I agreed, I had to tell the parent how she had to watch Dee. I so wish she didn't come with fine prints.
I better get to sleep. I want to enjoy my week, and I have to get rid of these bags!
Tonight was better. She was her pleasant self. Let's hope it is better for us all!
Her Sunday episode led to tantrums and me leaving her while I ran to McDonald's drive-through. Her tantruming more, and a visit from the police. Losing her new Xbox 360, and a ton of privileges.
Out of the four days for school, she got up once and did her hygiene steps. (So much for the allowance chart.) That's right. I've been sending my child to school with nappy uncombed hair, a dirty face, and unbrushed teeth.
This evening she is in a better mood. She was still disrespectful. She asked why I wasn't making her such cute lunches. I asked her why would I take so much time for a disrespectful little girl.
A friend called to invite her spend the night and go to an amusement park. I can't believe it. Someone actually invited my child! (No friend of hers has ever invited her over. Well one time, one parent did invite her over for two hours, but that's it.) I'm thrilled. But I told her it all depends on her behavior. That ought to buy me some kindness.
Before I agreed, I had to tell the parent how she had to watch Dee. I so wish she didn't come with fine prints.
I better get to sleep. I want to enjoy my week, and I have to get rid of these bags!
Tonight was better. She was her pleasant self. Let's hope it is better for us all!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Trying
Dee is trying to live within the laws of our house right now. I love this. I do tend to make a mistake when this happens and start to treat her with less rules and less structure. That's not a good thing. She won't feel very comfortable.
Her allowance chart is working wonders. She emptied the dishwasher. She has been doing anything she can to get a checkmark. When those checkmarks become cash, I hope it will solidify her resolve to keep going. It wouldn't be Dee if she didn't try to get over on some things. She ran up and took a quick shower yesterday. I doubt if she washed. She just got the check mark. I will have her show me the soap on her body today. She took her summer work I make her do to day care. Friends will help her with it, but at least she is trying to get it done.
She asked for ice cream during devotion, so we made a Sonic run. She was giddy happy, and I was exhausted. She was chattering away and being silly. I said, "You should know, I'm running out of patience." So when it was time to pray, she happily volunteered, and led off with a request for me some patience!
She wanted pizza delivered today, but I think I'll take her to the local improv comedy show. She will be disappointed at first that she has to dress and not have pizza, but she will love it! I'm going to ask her to dress like she is going on a fun date. She will probably come down in the shortest skirt she has, her "heels" and ask for permission to wear lip gloss. (It's only allowed on Saturdays.) I think she will love the grown-up feel that the place has, but all the comedy is safe. We will order bar-type food at our table, and I think it will be a memory she loves.
Her allowance chart is working wonders. She emptied the dishwasher. She has been doing anything she can to get a checkmark. When those checkmarks become cash, I hope it will solidify her resolve to keep going. It wouldn't be Dee if she didn't try to get over on some things. She ran up and took a quick shower yesterday. I doubt if she washed. She just got the check mark. I will have her show me the soap on her body today. She took her summer work I make her do to day care. Friends will help her with it, but at least she is trying to get it done.
She asked for ice cream during devotion, so we made a Sonic run. She was giddy happy, and I was exhausted. She was chattering away and being silly. I said, "You should know, I'm running out of patience." So when it was time to pray, she happily volunteered, and led off with a request for me some patience!
She wanted pizza delivered today, but I think I'll take her to the local improv comedy show. She will be disappointed at first that she has to dress and not have pizza, but she will love it! I'm going to ask her to dress like she is going on a fun date. She will probably come down in the shortest skirt she has, her "heels" and ask for permission to wear lip gloss. (It's only allowed on Saturdays.) I think she will love the grown-up feel that the place has, but all the comedy is safe. We will order bar-type food at our table, and I think it will be a memory she loves.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Parenting the Hard Way
Today was therapy after a difficult session the past couple of weeks. What we learned is that Dee has some really mean behaviors when she feels guilty. I think it's because she does not respect the person who does not catch her in her wrongdoing. Until I found out she was sneaking and looking at porn, she had no respect for me.
I had to tell her that sometimes I was giving her a second chance. I let her hear me talk about other things I had caught but had passed.
I don't think it's fun to parent a child who doesn't like good things, who doesn't appreciate a break...but that's the child I have. And if I cannot show her every wrongdoing she has done, then she will treat me like dirt.
I told myself today that I need to remember that she can't handle breaks or too much good. I will revisit this post the next time I've forgotten.
I had to tell her that sometimes I was giving her a second chance. I let her hear me talk about other things I had caught but had passed.
I don't think it's fun to parent a child who doesn't like good things, who doesn't appreciate a break...but that's the child I have. And if I cannot show her every wrongdoing she has done, then she will treat me like dirt.
I told myself today that I need to remember that she can't handle breaks or too much good. I will revisit this post the next time I've forgotten.
An Advantageous Meeting
When Dee decided to get a mani-pedi, she unknowingly set up an advantageous meeting for me. I was going to just wait, but decided to join her. I sat next to a very friendly lady. She complimented Dee. She asked her age, and how she did in school. I mentioned Dee had learning disabilities. That's when she said that she was a retired teacher who also had learning disabilities. I asked if she tutored, and she handed me her new business card.
In a couple of weeks, we will go for an assessment. We talked cost, and she is a little high. But I think we can come to a compromise on the cost. I'm excited for Dee to get some help.
This woman has the same problems Dee has. She said she tested so poorly for college, she got in by talking to the school. I'm hopeful!
In a couple of weeks, we will go for an assessment. We talked cost, and she is a little high. But I think we can come to a compromise on the cost. I'm excited for Dee to get some help.
This woman has the same problems Dee has. She said she tested so poorly for college, she got in by talking to the school. I'm hopeful!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Allowance Chart
When Dee moved here, I gave her an allowance. She loved it, but it was too vague. Since then, I told her that I was just giving her money, but she did not do her part in the family. She has been asking for an allowance again. So I will introduce her to the chart. For every day that she gets at least 7 check marks and no minuses, she will get $1.
Brush Teeth P.M.
We both like when she has her own money. So this is the way she can get it. Plus, she needs to hit $250 in savings this year so she can put money into a CD. My goal for her is to get one CD a year. She is at $160+, so she has a way to go!
Dee's Daily Goals
Brush Teeth P.M.
Good A.M. Attitude
Good P.M. Attitude
Put ALL Dishes in Dishwasher
Devotions
Practice Jr CC
Homework 1, 2, 3
Leave Bathtub Clean
Deodorant
Wash face
Take out trash
Straighten Room
Visit Ms. Grace
Walk Dogs
We both like when she has her own money. So this is the way she can get it. Plus, she needs to hit $250 in savings this year so she can put money into a CD. My goal for her is to get one CD a year. She is at $160+, so she has a way to go!
A Fun Weekend
Originally, we wanted to take part of the tax refund to go to Disney World. Dee, however, is not comfortable with good things. It became very apparent to me that she would sabotage the trip after the first day. So this weekend, we spent the vacation money in other ways.
1. We are booked to fly "home." Home is where my family is. Dee has not met them. We are excited for her to see how I grew up, and to understand her family more.
2. We bought a game system. An X-box 360. Dee loves it!
3. We bought a new TV. Our biggest TV was 19 inches, and really old, so we updated.
4. We replaced our dying washing machine.
5. We went to a movie and got mani-pedis!
I also got a new mattress set, though that was not bought with the refund money.
We spent lots of money and had fun doing it.
Dee was super respectful and obedient. I mentioned how much I loved this responsible girl, and she said, "Well, you better get use to it!"
I have a feeling she does not like fireworks. She wanted to go to a 4th of July carnival until she found out it included fireworks. I think she then overheard me tell someone on the phone that I was going to surprise her and drive her in her PJs to see some nearby. She sabotaged both!
Other than that...it was all fun!
1. We are booked to fly "home." Home is where my family is. Dee has not met them. We are excited for her to see how I grew up, and to understand her family more.
2. We bought a game system. An X-box 360. Dee loves it!
3. We bought a new TV. Our biggest TV was 19 inches, and really old, so we updated.
4. We replaced our dying washing machine.
5. We went to a movie and got mani-pedis!
I also got a new mattress set, though that was not bought with the refund money.
We spent lots of money and had fun doing it.
Dee was super respectful and obedient. I mentioned how much I loved this responsible girl, and she said, "Well, you better get use to it!"
I have a feeling she does not like fireworks. She wanted to go to a 4th of July carnival until she found out it included fireworks. I think she then overheard me tell someone on the phone that I was going to surprise her and drive her in her PJs to see some nearby. She sabotaged both!
Other than that...it was all fun!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Turning 50
My 50th birthday was this week. My little girl is usually very thoughtful, but she only wants to be on her own time! She does not like it when she is not the center of attention. After having a huge celebration at work, I came home birthday-ed out. We had agreed to celebrate at home the day after.
Dee made my cake the day before my birthday. While neighbors were visiting, she decided to frost it alone. I've never seen anything like it! She somehow took off the top of the cake, and was frosting the inside. It was horrible. I didn't even take a picture...I threw the cake away. I must say, this year she sabotaged unconsciously versus her normal decided sabotage.
I did buy ingredients for her to try again, but it's so hot! The Schwan's lady came, and I bought an ice cream cake. We celebrated. I told her I deserved a good birthday. And I let her hear me tell friends on the phone that deserve a good cake and a good birthday. I made the nachos she planned to make me for my day. I just talked to the dogs, and let her hear me celebrate with them.
Dee did try to give me a gift from a game arcade. I did not take it because the gift was bigger than the amount of tickets she should have had. I didn't know if she stole it, stole the tickets or what.
We planned to repeat the trip to the arcade to watch her earn enough points. She explained the next day how she got so many points. I let her know that I still did not feel it added up, but let it go. Dee does have about $40. However, she was absolutely unwilling to use any of her money for a gift. Normally, I'd like anything, but since her money is precious to her, I would have like to see her sacrifice some of it for my gift.
We established since she turned 10 and I turned 50, let's just assume I am smarter or at least as smart as she is.
On a happier note...the doggies gave me the George Foreman grill I've been wanting. They set an example for their sister!!!
Dee made my cake the day before my birthday. While neighbors were visiting, she decided to frost it alone. I've never seen anything like it! She somehow took off the top of the cake, and was frosting the inside. It was horrible. I didn't even take a picture...I threw the cake away. I must say, this year she sabotaged unconsciously versus her normal decided sabotage.
I did buy ingredients for her to try again, but it's so hot! The Schwan's lady came, and I bought an ice cream cake. We celebrated. I told her I deserved a good birthday. And I let her hear me tell friends on the phone that deserve a good cake and a good birthday. I made the nachos she planned to make me for my day. I just talked to the dogs, and let her hear me celebrate with them.
Dee did try to give me a gift from a game arcade. I did not take it because the gift was bigger than the amount of tickets she should have had. I didn't know if she stole it, stole the tickets or what.
We planned to repeat the trip to the arcade to watch her earn enough points. She explained the next day how she got so many points. I let her know that I still did not feel it added up, but let it go. Dee does have about $40. However, she was absolutely unwilling to use any of her money for a gift. Normally, I'd like anything, but since her money is precious to her, I would have like to see her sacrifice some of it for my gift.
We established since she turned 10 and I turned 50, let's just assume I am smarter or at least as smart as she is.
On a happier note...the doggies gave me the George Foreman grill I've been wanting. They set an example for their sister!!!
Consequences
Dee has been unable to relax because she knew we still had to talk to our therapist about the whole stealing/lying/porn episode. She doesn't like "difficult sessions."
Miss Michelle, our therapist, says that if we don't nip this in the bud it can easily become an obsession. I think we were well on the way to seeing that.
We also talked about her habit of lying. Miss Michelle said that it's not uncommon in RAD kids that they have HABIT of lying. She agrees that Dee lies so much, she no longer knows what is truth and what is not truth.
Dee came out from the session and said, "Can we now never speak of this again?" I could not agree to that. Plus, Little Girl does not get to be in control after throwing our lives totally out of control! Nice try.
We do consequences now only one day at a time. So, she may lose the right to watch TV or lose electronics for a day, or if it's really bad, she will all privileges for a day. This week, she had several days of loss of privileges, and one day where she loss the right to her DVD for multiple days.
I told her yesterday, "I wish I could just ask you what happened, and believe you. But since you are at zero trust, I can't believe you." She said something like "I don't blame you" or "I think that's smart of you."
I have found that Dee has more respect when I have found her in her lies or misbehavior and are consequencing her than if she feels she is getting away with something. I explained to her that just because I don't consequence doesn't mean I don't know. I am just letting her have another chance. I have to learn that it's a test on her part, and if I don't consequence, then to her, I have failed. Now that I know the rules, I think I can be more successful!
Miss Michelle, our therapist, says that if we don't nip this in the bud it can easily become an obsession. I think we were well on the way to seeing that.
We also talked about her habit of lying. Miss Michelle said that it's not uncommon in RAD kids that they have HABIT of lying. She agrees that Dee lies so much, she no longer knows what is truth and what is not truth.
Dee came out from the session and said, "Can we now never speak of this again?" I could not agree to that. Plus, Little Girl does not get to be in control after throwing our lives totally out of control! Nice try.
We do consequences now only one day at a time. So, she may lose the right to watch TV or lose electronics for a day, or if it's really bad, she will all privileges for a day. This week, she had several days of loss of privileges, and one day where she loss the right to her DVD for multiple days.
I told her yesterday, "I wish I could just ask you what happened, and believe you. But since you are at zero trust, I can't believe you." She said something like "I don't blame you" or "I think that's smart of you."
I have found that Dee has more respect when I have found her in her lies or misbehavior and are consequencing her than if she feels she is getting away with something. I explained to her that just because I don't consequence doesn't mean I don't know. I am just letting her have another chance. I have to learn that it's a test on her part, and if I don't consequence, then to her, I have failed. Now that I know the rules, I think I can be more successful!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Away at Camp
Dee has spent the week at an away camp. It came at just the right time. I was happy to see her go, and needed some time to regroup and re-energize.
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I took off three days of work while she was at camp to get the full effect. She is having fun with other kids who have been in or are in foster care.
She wrote me five notes: Things I could do, Things I could eat; Things I couldn't eat, Things I couldn't do and a I miss you mom note. She secretly wrote them, and I secretly wrote her five. My notes are hidden in her Bible, PJ's, toothbrush holder, and luggage.
She will want to know she was missed, but will be sad for her to come home to messy room she left. Last year, I cleaned her room thoroughly. This year, it's as she left it.
Good-bye peace...hello beautiful daughter!
I took off three days of work while she was at camp to get the full effect. She is having fun with other kids who have been in or are in foster care.
She wrote me five notes: Things I could do, Things I could eat; Things I couldn't eat, Things I couldn't do and a I miss you mom note. She secretly wrote them, and I secretly wrote her five. My notes are hidden in her Bible, PJ's, toothbrush holder, and luggage.
She will want to know she was missed, but will be sad for her to come home to messy room she left. Last year, I cleaned her room thoroughly. This year, it's as she left it.
Good-bye peace...hello beautiful daughter!
Adoption Tax Credit
I did not adopt a special needs child for the refundable adoption tax credit. That would be insane. But...once I found out the credit was going to be refundable...I started planning for it. It could pay off some bills. Dee and I could go on a vacation. It would be the windfall I need to get us on a more solid ground for the new family style we have.
When I filed my return in January, I had no idea that it would be a five-month ordeal. The first letter I got said they were denying Dee because her SSN was wrong. I made the fatal error of NOT changing her SSN too close to my filing. I decided to wait to not confuse my taxes. Since I had to send all of the adoption paperwork, I wrote her name as Dee OldLastName NewLastName. It didn't match up in the system. Kicked her out as a dependent. Without a dependent, I didn't qualify for my head of household status. That would have been easy to clear up, but when I called, they had shipped my return cross-country to be examined for the tax credit. No one could fix that part...it would have to wait until the adoption credit was reviewed.
Oh...the drama of the tax credit. Faxing and refaxing paperwork. Dealing with not-so-polite IRS workers. Filling out releases for my Congressman. Waiting...waiting...waiting.
But here it is, on the first day of the sixth month after I filed, my refund is scheduled to be deposited in my account. We are paying bills. We will take a short trip. I will help family. And we will have breathing room. How nice!
I hope that next year it is communicated that if you file your tax return with this credit, it may take four - six months to get the refund. With that bit of knowledge, this could have been a lot less stressful.
When I filed my return in January, I had no idea that it would be a five-month ordeal. The first letter I got said they were denying Dee because her SSN was wrong. I made the fatal error of NOT changing her SSN too close to my filing. I decided to wait to not confuse my taxes. Since I had to send all of the adoption paperwork, I wrote her name as Dee OldLastName NewLastName. It didn't match up in the system. Kicked her out as a dependent. Without a dependent, I didn't qualify for my head of household status. That would have been easy to clear up, but when I called, they had shipped my return cross-country to be examined for the tax credit. No one could fix that part...it would have to wait until the adoption credit was reviewed.
Oh...the drama of the tax credit. Faxing and refaxing paperwork. Dealing with not-so-polite IRS workers. Filling out releases for my Congressman. Waiting...waiting...waiting.
But here it is, on the first day of the sixth month after I filed, my refund is scheduled to be deposited in my account. We are paying bills. We will take a short trip. I will help family. And we will have breathing room. How nice!
I hope that next year it is communicated that if you file your tax return with this credit, it may take four - six months to get the refund. With that bit of knowledge, this could have been a lot less stressful.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Slippery Slide
Well, if I thought reality was Dee's major problem, I was naive!
One night, I got an e-mail from my niece asking me to send her a picture by text message. I went to get my cell phone, and could not find it. I looked everywhere. Then...Dee as clear as a bell asked me what I was doing. Why was this child not sleep AGAIN at 11:30? Well...I was about to find out.
Dee had stolen my cell phone. Probably after I put her to bed. And she was on a bunch of porn sites. I think this is why she could not sleep other nights.
I went nuts! Just crazy. Because the day before, Dee had bitten a little girl on the leg...no upper thigh. I had talked to her about how that could be seen both as violence and sexual harassment. I had noticed these porn sites on my phone history before, but I couldn't positively trace them to her. I wondered if it was some sort of virus. This time, I knew. She denied it even with the evidence in her face.
I determined that the problem was surfacing because of another child in the neighborhood. So the next day, I took Dee to the girl's dad's house and told them that I suspected the girls had been watching porn together, and who knows what else. They had already noticed the girls being mean to others when they were together. So they had forbidden her to be friends with Dee, and it was right in line with my forbidding.
Dee is just very angry. She's mad because she is at zero trust level. She's mad that I accused her of sexual motives when biting that child. (I didn't mention that two weeks ago she had bitten another child and licked him.) I had to tell my little girl that when other people tell their children about stranger danger and bad touching, no one is thinking it could be a 10-year old girl. But it can be or a 13-year old girl.
It's very disconcerting. I felt I was going to have a stroke. I am also talking to a wall. She is within my sight at all time. I left her to go to the bathroom, and told her to stay in her seat. She went in the backyard, and the next thing I knew she was calling the girl's name she is commanded to stay away from.
Dee is going to take 10 years off my life.
One night, I got an e-mail from my niece asking me to send her a picture by text message. I went to get my cell phone, and could not find it. I looked everywhere. Then...Dee as clear as a bell asked me what I was doing. Why was this child not sleep AGAIN at 11:30? Well...I was about to find out.
Dee had stolen my cell phone. Probably after I put her to bed. And she was on a bunch of porn sites. I think this is why she could not sleep other nights.
I went nuts! Just crazy. Because the day before, Dee had bitten a little girl on the leg...no upper thigh. I had talked to her about how that could be seen both as violence and sexual harassment. I had noticed these porn sites on my phone history before, but I couldn't positively trace them to her. I wondered if it was some sort of virus. This time, I knew. She denied it even with the evidence in her face.
I determined that the problem was surfacing because of another child in the neighborhood. So the next day, I took Dee to the girl's dad's house and told them that I suspected the girls had been watching porn together, and who knows what else. They had already noticed the girls being mean to others when they were together. So they had forbidden her to be friends with Dee, and it was right in line with my forbidding.
Dee is just very angry. She's mad because she is at zero trust level. She's mad that I accused her of sexual motives when biting that child. (I didn't mention that two weeks ago she had bitten another child and licked him.) I had to tell my little girl that when other people tell their children about stranger danger and bad touching, no one is thinking it could be a 10-year old girl. But it can be or a 13-year old girl.
It's very disconcerting. I felt I was going to have a stroke. I am also talking to a wall. She is within my sight at all time. I left her to go to the bathroom, and told her to stay in her seat. She went in the backyard, and the next thing I knew she was calling the girl's name she is commanded to stay away from.
Dee is going to take 10 years off my life.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I can't tell if it's real or not but I know it's your fault!
Dee did not go to sleep last night when she should. She had the flashlight on and was reading a book. When I checked at 11:30 p.m. she was still awake. I decided not to fight with her and just see what she was like when she woke up.
This morning, she did not get up well. Just in time to really walk out of the door without her hair combed. That is the reason we managed to forget to give her her medicine on Sunday. I remembered during Sunday School when she was not behaving at all.
After SS, I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie. I drove her home, and said go “take your medicine and put on some pants.” She was in the bathroom a long time, and announced she was constipated. I was a bit suspicious since she had grabbed my laptop and apparently changed the channel on the TV (which was on for the dog) before going to the bathroom. This all happened when she went to get her meds, but she never took them.
After spending about an hour and a half in the bathroom WITH THE COMPUTER, she came out. I told her to take the medicine, and we no longer had time to go to the movies. She grabbed the pills, and after a while I went to check on her she was playing in make-up, and HAD NOT TAKEN HER MEDICATION. It was nearly 2:30.
I made her take the medicine. I asked her to put on pants and a shirt. (She was being "cute" and had on a camisole and skirt with her make-up.) She started screaming, yelling and jumping up and down. I told her to just put on the pants in her room that are probably somewhere on the floor. She said, no...she yelled, “I DON’T HAVE ANY. “ I told her she had to because she had not taken anything down to the laundry room. She yelled disrespectfully, “I HAVE. TAKEN IT, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOOK.”
She started throwing things and banging things. I told her let’s go. She started yelling about the police station. I didn’t even tell her I was talking about the grocery store. In the end she de-escalated fast. As she kept slamming things, I took her dollar bill she left in the living room and shredded it with my hands before her very eyes. (Later I told her that is the same respect she has for my things.) After continuing to slam doors and scream, I took her to the police station. Office Collins was not pleased. He has promised her and me that the next time starts reports. I totally agree with that. He explained to her that kids who cause trouble will go to a home where they are not even allowed to wear clothing. Just paper clothes with plastic shoes.
I brought Dee back home to get her shoes because in her rage, she could not grab shoes. I reminded her that I was not going to tolerate this anymore. I gave her two minutes to put on pants, and shoes. I made her stay at my side in the store. She tried to make it irritate me, but it didn't. At dinner, she refused to eat. It could have been the Adderall. I decided only meals and no sweets whatsoever. I made her sit at the table, facing the table, no book, no paper just me eating.
I did try to talk to Des and she said that she started this because I was mean. I kept asking her what is mean about taking someone to the movies. She screamed, not the movies, but she had nothing. Dee preplanned the anger by taking the computer into the bathroom. I let that slide. (She didn't realize I let it slide. She assumed I became angry. She yelled at some point she had it, and I said, "OK" and kept reading the Sunday paper.) I even let it slide when I realized she had changed the channel and didn’t come out of the bathroom. I didn’t get angry until I found her in the make-up and the pills still had not been taken.
I do have a concern that Dee may have some newly developing mental issue. She is beginning to not be able to distinguish what really happened or what was real from a thought.
An example, last week after therapy, I talked to her about her telling the therapist that I am mean and that's why she is misbehaving. It's really her anticipation of my discipline that makes her misbehave more. She knows she will have a consequence, but even if she doesn't get it, she thinks she did.
I could tell she didn’t know what was right. Then my fish was sick and I asked her if Peaches died and I were upset if she would flush her for me. She said that she had flushed a fish before and she would not do it again. I reminded her of the three fish we had flushed, she had flushed none. Then she said, “At least I fed them worms.” I told her she didn’t feed them worms. She asked if she could feed them a worm, but instead she ran when I brought the worms out.
At the end of the day, I called her in and talked to her. I told her I was concerned about her not being able to distinguish reality from fiction. I told her it was very dangerous. She said she couldn’t help it, then I told her to stop day dreaming, it doesn’t work for her.
We talked about the things she misses out on that I tell her I was considering (this time, the movie, a phone, a laptop, Chiefs cheerleading camp, and opportunity to babysit again). She also misses out on being trusted. And she ends up with more consequences than she even feared at the beginning.
She went to bed happy and understanding. But that may only last for day.
This morning, she did not get up well. Just in time to really walk out of the door without her hair combed. That is the reason we managed to forget to give her her medicine on Sunday. I remembered during Sunday School when she was not behaving at all.
After SS, I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie. I drove her home, and said go “take your medicine and put on some pants.” She was in the bathroom a long time, and announced she was constipated. I was a bit suspicious since she had grabbed my laptop and apparently changed the channel on the TV (which was on for the dog) before going to the bathroom. This all happened when she went to get her meds, but she never took them.
After spending about an hour and a half in the bathroom WITH THE COMPUTER, she came out. I told her to take the medicine, and we no longer had time to go to the movies. She grabbed the pills, and after a while I went to check on her she was playing in make-up, and HAD NOT TAKEN HER MEDICATION. It was nearly 2:30.
I made her take the medicine. I asked her to put on pants and a shirt. (She was being "cute" and had on a camisole and skirt with her make-up.) She started screaming, yelling and jumping up and down. I told her to just put on the pants in her room that are probably somewhere on the floor. She said, no...she yelled, “I DON’T HAVE ANY. “ I told her she had to because she had not taken anything down to the laundry room. She yelled disrespectfully, “I HAVE. TAKEN IT, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOOK.”
She started throwing things and banging things. I told her let’s go. She started yelling about the police station. I didn’t even tell her I was talking about the grocery store. In the end she de-escalated fast. As she kept slamming things, I took her dollar bill she left in the living room and shredded it with my hands before her very eyes. (Later I told her that is the same respect she has for my things.) After continuing to slam doors and scream, I took her to the police station. Office Collins was not pleased. He has promised her and me that the next time starts reports. I totally agree with that. He explained to her that kids who cause trouble will go to a home where they are not even allowed to wear clothing. Just paper clothes with plastic shoes.
I brought Dee back home to get her shoes because in her rage, she could not grab shoes. I reminded her that I was not going to tolerate this anymore. I gave her two minutes to put on pants, and shoes. I made her stay at my side in the store. She tried to make it irritate me, but it didn't. At dinner, she refused to eat. It could have been the Adderall. I decided only meals and no sweets whatsoever. I made her sit at the table, facing the table, no book, no paper just me eating.
I did try to talk to Des and she said that she started this because I was mean. I kept asking her what is mean about taking someone to the movies. She screamed, not the movies, but she had nothing. Dee preplanned the anger by taking the computer into the bathroom. I let that slide. (She didn't realize I let it slide. She assumed I became angry. She yelled at some point she had it, and I said, "OK" and kept reading the Sunday paper.) I even let it slide when I realized she had changed the channel and didn’t come out of the bathroom. I didn’t get angry until I found her in the make-up and the pills still had not been taken.
I do have a concern that Dee may have some newly developing mental issue. She is beginning to not be able to distinguish what really happened or what was real from a thought.
An example, last week after therapy, I talked to her about her telling the therapist that I am mean and that's why she is misbehaving. It's really her anticipation of my discipline that makes her misbehave more. She knows she will have a consequence, but even if she doesn't get it, she thinks she did.
I could tell she didn’t know what was right. Then my fish was sick and I asked her if Peaches died and I were upset if she would flush her for me. She said that she had flushed a fish before and she would not do it again. I reminded her of the three fish we had flushed, she had flushed none. Then she said, “At least I fed them worms.” I told her she didn’t feed them worms. She asked if she could feed them a worm, but instead she ran when I brought the worms out.
At the end of the day, I called her in and talked to her. I told her I was concerned about her not being able to distinguish reality from fiction. I told her it was very dangerous. She said she couldn’t help it, then I told her to stop day dreaming, it doesn’t work for her.
We talked about the things she misses out on that I tell her I was considering (this time, the movie, a phone, a laptop, Chiefs cheerleading camp, and opportunity to babysit again). She also misses out on being trusted. And she ends up with more consequences than she even feared at the beginning.
She went to bed happy and understanding. But that may only last for day.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Last Day of 4th Grade
Today, Dee went to the last day of 4th grade. It is the first time we did an entire year of school together. What a year! She had an absolutely spectacular teacher. Her special ed teacher is also awesome. She will have her again next year. But as I looked back, Dee and I made it through because of her teachers and her day care leaders. They work great with her. We gave each of them a thank you token.
Yesterday, when I picked her up from daycare, they were having a year end celebration. Dee was not participating because she had bitten and licked a child. She said they were all doing it and only she was punished. She was made to apologize to the leader and the child. And then I let it go.
So today, we woke up all excited with the last day of school. I took the day off to pick her up at lunch time when school ended. But as I cleaned the back of the car to pick up another child, I found a cigarette butt. That reminded me of something I thought I saw in the house underneath the chair, but was too lazy to check. Yup...two more cigarette butts. I was furious!
I went to get the other child, took the doggie girls to the groomer, and then we picked up Dee. We went to the movies. I mentioned there to her I had found some things and where, and I was disappointed. She, a fast-thinking liar, said she was doing a science project. I reiterated I was disappointed.
We then went home for some free time, to the pool and out to eat. When we finally came home, I mentioned it to her again. She said, "I told you why I had it." I told her she had, but I didn't believe her. Our day of fun when downhill fast. She began to become Miss Oppositional. And I told her not only was she losing trust, she was also losing the right to anything fun.
Her therapist said if she ever is going to be able to handle good, I have to keep giving it to her in small doses. I do hate doing nice things for her because we always have to pay for it.
The little girl we picked up is my boss' child. Dee was in love with their nicer home, big yard with a swing set and swimming pool. Finished basement with all the fun amenities and grand piano. As we left, she said to the parents, "I have one question: Can I live here?" RAD lives on!
This mom of a 5th grade girl is tired and is going to bed!
Yesterday, when I picked her up from daycare, they were having a year end celebration. Dee was not participating because she had bitten and licked a child. She said they were all doing it and only she was punished. She was made to apologize to the leader and the child. And then I let it go.
So today, we woke up all excited with the last day of school. I took the day off to pick her up at lunch time when school ended. But as I cleaned the back of the car to pick up another child, I found a cigarette butt. That reminded me of something I thought I saw in the house underneath the chair, but was too lazy to check. Yup...two more cigarette butts. I was furious!
I went to get the other child, took the doggie girls to the groomer, and then we picked up Dee. We went to the movies. I mentioned there to her I had found some things and where, and I was disappointed. She, a fast-thinking liar, said she was doing a science project. I reiterated I was disappointed.
We then went home for some free time, to the pool and out to eat. When we finally came home, I mentioned it to her again. She said, "I told you why I had it." I told her she had, but I didn't believe her. Our day of fun when downhill fast. She began to become Miss Oppositional. And I told her not only was she losing trust, she was also losing the right to anything fun.
Her therapist said if she ever is going to be able to handle good, I have to keep giving it to her in small doses. I do hate doing nice things for her because we always have to pay for it.
The little girl we picked up is my boss' child. Dee was in love with their nicer home, big yard with a swing set and swimming pool. Finished basement with all the fun amenities and grand piano. As we left, she said to the parents, "I have one question: Can I live here?" RAD lives on!
This mom of a 5th grade girl is tired and is going to bed!
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