Going well...

I have several things I'd like to blog about, but I'm not sure I have time to cover it all.  But I will at least get started.

Home is so nice these days.  My little girl really seems like she has turned a corner.  She's been working on earning a new and larger backpack.  The one we bought at the beginning of the school year cannot hold her Trapper and books.  She did two weeks of no arguing and doing well in school, and earned the backpack.  We ordered it today from Amazon.


She has earned back some privileges.  I gave her back her home key.  It's not that she is being perfect.  She had my watch in her school locker.  I found make-up in her backpack.  But we get those things corrected, and consequenced, and we move on.  When I try to warn her in advance so she doesn't make the same mistake, she is usually offended, but it seems to help.  She also was given some games back on the computer.  I had taken off any and everything that was fun.  She knows I'm watching her tech behavior.  Any changes in mood will make her lose them again.

She got some money for her good report card.  And she is promised $50 for Day After Thanksgiving shopping.  She used $6 for some fake nails.  But she has been trying to earn it back.  Today, I got both bathrooms sort of cleaned for $1 each.  Two loads of laundry for $1 each.  The car was cleaned out, $2; and the refrigerator was cleaned $1.  I love when she wants money!!!  She is a much quicker at cleaning than I am!

She is getting excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I asked her to make a list of things she would like.  It was primarily reasonable.  She took it back because she wants to add to it.

Dee was invited to a birthday party!  It's an overnight at a hotel.  I told her, the other girls will be talking about boys, etc., but she should be reserved.  Parents are watching her closely!

All in all good!  I'll write later about Roxy and our foster dog's adventure.  And the scare Dee and I had!

Dee has been doing relatively well.  She does do spurts of kindness and not so kind.  I'm going to start tracking them to see if they are PMS.

Chloe is wheezing again with her congestive heart failure.  It breaks my heart.  We are enjoying our foster dog, Otis.  He was tough to get use to but he fits in great.  But...he leaves next week for his new home.  We will miss him.  I think Roxy will miss him most of all.  She humps him all of the time.  All the dogs are eating better trying to keep their share protected.

Dee cleaned her room Saturday.  She did a great job so she could get my record player/cd player/radio in the room.  On the other hand, I'm still living in the land of chaos in my room.  She is naturally a better cleaner.

Dee and I ate out last week.  I took the opportunity to ask her some questions.  I asked how friends were going.  I told her I noticed when I pick her up, she is never playing with other kids.  She responded, "Mom I have friends.  I'm popular."  OK.  So then I asked her about taking the shots.  I asked her if it helped her feel safe.  She didn't care one way or the other.

Dee finished the first quarter with a 3.4 grade point average on a 4.0 scale.  I'm very impressed.  The school gives lots of second chances, but she has used them well.

She and I re-watched October Baby.  It is a movie about an abortion survivor's attempt to find her birth mom.  One scene shows the adoptive father after he tracks the girl down telling her boyfriend to stay away from his daughter.  The boyfriend says, "She is not your daughter.  She has a right to find out who she is."  I said to Dee, part of what he said is not right.  She said, "She is not your daughter."  Then she said, "It's sort of true."  I told her it was not true.  He adopted her and he was her father.  She argued, "He wasn't there when she was born."  I reminded her I was not there when she was born either.  She argued back that I sort of was.  I made her finally say I was not there, so it could be straight in her head.  So another interesting Dee conversation.

All in all, these are going OK. 

Doing Good...

Another catch up post, except all of our activity has me so tired, I'm not sure what I should be catching up on.

Dee is doing better at school.  It's just too bad the mere mention of it brings on attitude.  I told her she would be doing homework for the next 10 years, so she should just get use to it.

After a month of no phone, she finally got it back.  She was mean that night.  We connect her attitude to her phone.  She wants me to keep it.  I told her that maybe she isn't ready for it yet, but she can't blame it on the phone or how would she ever have a phone.  She is still thinking on it.

She cheered at the Chiefs game again.  Did a good job, and her former social worker came to watch.  She was very proud.

I've had to go to bat for her with teachers in her life who make off-handed remarks that she takes to heart.  I try to send a kind e-mail so they will just think about it next time.

I'm loving her laundry skills.  It's how she works off debt.

She's Growing Up

Dee is different.  I can tell she is maturing.  I can also see in recent weeks, she is feeling more at home and more attached.  She fights about doing homework.  She still will make the wrong choices given a chance.  But she is not making a wrong decision just to be contrary anymore.  She wants to please.  She use to want attention of any kind.  Now, she likes the attention to be positive.

She is very good about saying what she needs from me.  She wants me to be at the bus stop when she gets on the bus.  She doesn't like it if I don't make it to the bus stop before she leaves.

She watches TV, and looks for times to say. "Mom, you are embarrassing me."  Even when she says it, she is claiming me as mom, and pointing out we are connected.

School is getting hard for her.  She fights to not get her work done.  She is learning some, but she is lazy too.

She spent the night last night at the church's youth lock-in.  I had a series of texts from her.  I thought maybe she was not having fun, but she called as I was getting ready to leave.  I asked her if she was having fun, and she said yes.

When I arrived at 3 a.m., she ran past me and spoke.  And then hung out a with a group of two girls and two boys.  I could tell she was trying to pair off with a boy.  But every time she'd look around, I'd be watching.  Those things will scare me a lot in a few years.

Today we went to a movie.  Her two friends came running up to her.  She was not nice to them.  I understand.  Each of those girls' parents call to drop them off and we do lots with them.  But they NEVER invite Dee over or out.  I hope she starts to find some other friends soon.

Today's Mail

Mom this is a letter that i typed for you!


how was your day?

I hope it was great.



Dear mom,

Thank you for making my life great and fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...I thank the lord for letting me and you be together.

You have helped me with my troubles and the problems that I came with when I came.

I know that don’t matter what happens I’ll always be your kid that you adopted.

I also know that don’t matter what I do or how much I make you mad that I’ll always be in your heart.

I’m happy that we are together as a family.

Roxy and choler have also made me happy.

I wish I could take back all these times that I have been mean to chole and Roxy.

Cause they have stayed on my side even though that I made them scared and made them run for their life.

It makes me sad to see when you are sad and depressed and upset with me.

Sometimes I start to even start to cry because I mad you so sad and so made (at times).

I get happy not just for the things you give me but for the time and effort that you thought of me and you tried to help me.

Mom the thing that I love about you is that you don’t stop in tells you get it done.

Pulse you’re a strong women and a strong women and smart women,

Pulse whenever I see you whenever I’m happy I get more smiler (I know that’s not a word but still).

When you’re in a bad mood that means that I’m in a bad mood, and I don’t like that at all but when you’re in a good mode that means that means I’m in a good mode that’s what I like.

Love:Dee

Good Weekend

Dee's weekend was excellent!   Just like last weekend!  She was productive.  She was respectful.  She was pleasant. 

We went on Saturday evening to see her dance school perform at a local shopping center.  I watched the girls as we planned whether three of us would eat together.  A had not a great attitude; S had a horrific attitude and Dee was doing pretty good.  I actually threatened to leave the restaurant if S's attitude didn't change.  Her mom was frustrated, but just ignored it.  We left one restaurant for another because S was pouting.  Then at the second restaurant, she continued pouting.  I asked her if she wanted to be there.  Dee was charming and happy.  The other mom enjoyed her as did the waiter.

She is doing well also with getting up in the morning.  We do not have the drama of the past every morning.

I realized that she told me a week or two ago that money was stolen from the church's Youth Group.  (They have a candy store that kids buy treats from and the money goes to mission.)  She bought something today.  That reminded me of her telling me about the stolen money.  I never suspected her.  That's a big deal.

I better go to bed.  Monday is not a good day ... even for good Dee.

Does 7-Year old Consequences and 16 Year-Old Education Equal 11?

Our week was bad because Dee was upset about the phone thing.  She told the therapist she thought I would be more angry and when I wasn't, she didn't know how to turn off her plan to be mean.

I finally came up with Plan #2333.   I wrote on the white board:

Anything that plugs in or uses batteries

Computer <> TV <> Music <> DS <> DVD Player

I told her the moment she is disrespectful, including saying "NO!", she loses all of those things for the next day and the rest of that day.  She starts off after two days later earning them back one at a time.  Slow to earn and one single sarcastic or disrespectful thing takes them all away.  Zero tolerance.

She has TV back now, and stops to think about what she is going to say.  She can pick another electronic today.  She will lose them again.  But I hope that a few times of this will show her it's not tolerated.

As always, she was angry and upset, but she likes the boundaries.  It's been a lot more pleasant.

I took the chance with the pleasant house to talk to her about oral sex.  I had three friends last spring find that their 13-year olds were having oral sex.  What I learned was that they didn't think it was sex.  And parents didn't specifically tell them.  So I told her.  She may make the same bad choices of other girls, but it won't be because she learned first on the street.

She learned her four times tables, but when we started the sixes...she started getting mixed up.

I listened to neighbor tell me how much I smother her and how she will just go wild.  I let her talk, and then just said, "Good thing she is my daughter."  She judges everything by her well-regulated two-year younger child.  I don't feel the need to justify my parenting actions to anyone...that's what I love about being a single parent!

Spoke too Soon

This morning the "good" Dee woke up.  She was still riding high from the weekend.  So, it was a good morning.  I did remember that she hadn't been giving me her phone at night...which is our rule.  She can't call or text at night, but it means I wasn't reviewing her texts.  So I asked her to be sure to bring it down to me.  Still...very pleasant.

The dogs and I walked her to the bus stop.  And while there, I started perusing some texts.  The first thread I saw was from "Joey."  And the last text I saw was  from Dee -- "Good night.  I love you."  So I said, "Not acceptable," and put her on the bus.

Dee is dead set on having a "boyfriend."  I wish I could say it would be innocent, but I don't  it think it would be.  In her thread to "Joey" she said, "Should I wear a skirt or pants on Monday?"  He said, "A skirt."  She said, "Why did you say that.  I think I know and it's not good."  He ignored her and that chatted about other things.  And she came back to her question with the same provoking line.  He never answered, but she wore the shortest skirt she had with leggings.

When I picked her up, I had devised my plan of how to talk to her.  First, I wanted to be sure "Joey" was a boy and at her school and not some pedophile she picked up on the Internet.  So I started asking about her teeney bopper game.  She said, "Just take it away."  Then I asked"Joey's" last name.  She didn't know what her love's last name is.  I explained how boys get the wrong idea about girls who say "I love you" to everyone.  And how they share that idea with other boys.  Then I told her how suggestive her skirt conversation was.  I had to tell her it makes people think of porn...because that's a word she knows, and I'm not ready to introduce "sexting."  She might take it as a suggestion.  I did tell her that if the boy's parents see her texts, I expect her to get called the Principal's office, and me to get called at work.

She didn't handle that conversation well.  She told me I was yelling.  I wasn't.  But she didn't like what I was saying, so she thought I was.

I spent the evening taking away privileges.  When she she gets her phone back, his number is blocked.  Her right to text pictures is gone.  Her text limit is 250 texts a month.  This month she did 1300.  I don't know how considering she can use the phone from 6:00 - 8:45 on weekdays, and then most of the day Saturdays and Sundays.  I also took away the games she likes on the computer because they put too many teen ideas in her head.  I will also block Disney XD and Teen Nick on the TV...though the latter is usually blocked by ratings.

She is not suppose to ever delete texts, but apparently she does.  I haven't seen 1300 texts.  But she was lulled into a false sense of comfort  because I stopped asking for her phone.  The element of surprise...a mom's best weapon.

I do remember a couple of things her therapist said that scared me when she said it, and scares me even more now:  1) She will do some very bad and dangerous things before she gets it all together.  2) Not doing birth control is not an option.  I have worked hard to make those things not true, but Dee seems to be working harder to prove to me that the therapist knows what she is talking about.  And no, Dee didn't hear the therapist say it.

Catching Up....Again!

I have so much to catch up on!

School
Dee has been rebelling since they actually started doing work.  She is doing well, but she doesn't like to do the work.  At the beginning of the school year, we came up with our goals.  She needs to make C's in Reading, Math, Science and Social Studies.  And 3's in PE, Art, Music and Strategies (organization).  3's are like B's.  She is doing well.  She has the chance to re-do any bad grade, but she got a 78 on a math test, and chose to keep her C+ rather than do the work to make it up.  I had to let that go because it fit her goals, even though she could have raised that grade to an A.

Sylvan, where she is being tutored for math, finally conacted the school, and now is working with the school.  She seems to be primed to learn.  I'm excited for her.

Family Wedding
We went to my hometown for my sister's wedding.  It's in inner city Chicago.  Dee really thrives in a pooer, urban culture.  She apparently loved it.  She bonded with my brother, David.  Her goal for the trip was to get me in trouble for nothing with my mom. 

Laundry
I finally taught her to use the washing machine.  I didn't do it before because she pee'd on towels and blankets when upset, and I wanted something to stop her.  She hasn't done that in a long time, so I decided to teach her.  She loves it.  It seems to be a real rite of passage for her.

Social
There seems to be less drama in the after-school program this year.  One of Dee's friends mom's asked me to watch her child.  When I picked the girls up, Dee's friend wanted to go to the "Y".  (We are members.)  I said no.  Then she asked if they could go get V from across the street.  I said yes.  V is another sixth grader and she lives directly across from us.  I felt this friend, who Dee adores, asked her mom to call me for these things.  But Dee was happy.

Doggies
Chloe is still suffering with her congestive heart failure and we have $100 a month in meds for her.  Roxy seemed to have some flea dirt on her.  It's hard to tell with how much she itches and scratches because she has horrific allergies.

Studying
I'm studying for an HR certification.  I'm doing good on timing, but I'm not retainign enough.

Bully Prevention

Today the school had their bully prevention presentation.  Parents were invited, but it interfered with my work day.  The home-based teacher sent his daily e-mail at noon saying it went well, but the kids were emotional.  At 2:45, Dee sent me a text that said  she thought she was being bullied.  It came down to a girl who said Dee had kissed a boy.  I told Dee that was teasing or lying (after I made sure she did not kiss a boy).  But it would only become bullying if she kept at it and made her feel bad.

Then tonight, her friends called her from the skating rink.  We live around the corner, so we joined them.  It was a full of Middle Schoolers with zero parent supervision.  I was there, and had a hard time keeping up with Dee.  Most parents were not there.

At one point I looked for Dee, and found her in a group.  Her friend was being "kicked out."  Apparently, she had been in altercation with another girl.  I know this friend has no social skills, and her mom often feels she is bullied.  But someone taped it, and I watched it.  Dee's friend was the bully.  Dee didn't realize that, and she struggled with telling the other girl not to bully her friend or calling 9-1-1.  But she just stood there.  Dee said she understood she was a bystander and bystanders are as guilty as the next person.  She said she felt guilty.   (Look at her process!)  I told her she was right, she did not make the right decision, but it was better than her joining in.  She should have told an adult.  She had me there.  She should have gotten me.  If I were not there, she should have told the staff, like someone else must have done.  If she were at a place with no adult, then she should call 9-1-1.

The next time I couldn't find Dee, I sought her out and said, "Enough of this.  We're going home."  (She, of course, was purposely avoiding me.)  I walked the rink twice looking for her and so I know she was not where she said she was.  She did not ever put on a pair of skates.  It was scary there.    Kids too young showing too much PDA, using bad language and not many skating.  As we walked home (2 minutes) I explained to Dee why she would never go to the skating rink on a Friday night.  I also told her I didn't like how she purposely avoided me, or that she ignored my text.  (She didn't know she had received it.)Then when I got home, I called Dee's two friends' parents and told them get their children, or I could go back to get them for them.   Dee said, "I didn't think about it until I heard you talking to Miss Jackie, that we just left them there."  So she pulled some things together.  But even with training, she didn't know who the bully was today, or what to do.  And with a little freedom, she made a series of wrong choices.

That $7 was worth the lesson!

Middle School

Note: Middle School schedule is killing me! This post has been sitting half-written for a week!

Dee has been excited and nervous about Middle School. I could tell because when she should have been concentrating on other things, she'd ask a random question about school.

Two days before school started, they had "Back to School" night. We had to meet the teachers, check out lockers again, etc. I invited Dee's two friends and their moms to go out with the girls. It was very fun, and they had a chance to be nervous together.

Dee was super proud of her locker. And she and her freinds were hopeful and nervous for the whole experience.  Lockers were no big deal when I was in school, but it was all about the lockers that day.  I'm ashamed to say I spent about $40 on locker stuff..feeding into the frenzy.

At Dee's school, it's only 6th grade. They split the 800 kids into 8 or 10 teams. Dee has been a different person. She rides the bus, for the first time. She has done amazingly well!

On the third day of school, her home-base teacher called. (I thought and even said, "It's only Day 3!") But every teacher on her team was in on the call, and it was to declare that Dee had done well enough to be called a "Rock Star." She and three other kids earned special privileges. How exciting and confidence building for her. The best part of Rock Star is that the behavior spilled over to home. We had a super pleasant last week, and a pretty good this week.

Now that she is a middle schooler, one of her favorite things to do is to walk around with a Twilight book trying to look studious, or to open her math book to page 300 and copy the sample -- intently. So far, I must say, Middle School rocks!

Church Youth Group

Dee was so excited when she went to the 6th graders intro to youth group. It seemed so grown up and fun. Then today, we went to service, and she had Sunday School for the first time in the youth department. It's the first time in two years I would not be her teacher. When we arrived at the doorway and she saw kids from 11 - 17, she burst into tears. I had to take her back to my class and let her calm down. After a while, more kids her age arrived, so I took her back. I mouthed to one of the kids her age she was nervous and left. She had an OK time. She was thrilled with the fact they have a little store where you can buy candy, and treats. She assured me she would be the same way on Wednesday when she starts Middle School. A little bit ago, she came in my room to get clothes for her baby doll, Kaitaya. So, this change is hard for her.

The Letter

The letter came today from Dee's birth mom. It's sincere, but it's also vague. She says she is sorry, but she doesn't say why. She assures Dee she will tell her everything she wants to know. She will make up for anything she didn't do right, though she tried her best. It is full of love, but it is also disconcerting because it has no closure. I think it would mess Dee up a lot. It was a nice letter, but there is just something hanging. She doesn't tell Dee anything about her life now. She is sorry she is not here when Dee needs her. The biggest plus is she apparently loves her. I'll take it to show to the therapist, and then to a safety deposit box.

Tidbits

There are several things I want to catch up on. 

Dee
Dee has been doing well.  Her teeny bopper attitude does get on my nerve, but I feel she is handling a little more freedom and responsibility.  I'm not sure how it's going to work when she has to add school duties.

She is so excited about being in middle school.  Well...not the school part, but her first day of school outfit, and decorating her locker.  I had to work hard in school for my C, so I know how she feels.  Before school starts, you can daydream that you will be an A student this year.

She spent so much money on her locker decorations, I told her she'd have to find a backpack in the basement and re-use it.  She was fine with it  But it must have bugged her.  The next day, she asked if we could please go get a backpack.  We found an inexpensive one that she really liked.  On the way from shopping she asked, "Mom what is your blessings?"  I said I have many.  She asked what the greatest one was.  I said my salvation.  She agreed then told me after that it was her family, and her mom.  I knew then that getting that backpack had become a big deal to her.

Chloe
Chloe did not have a good result on her kidney test.  We are continuing with the meds, but if the meds mess with her kidney, then she will either die from congestive heart failure or kidney failure.  I asked which was the least painful.  The vet said we should not worry about that now.  I did some research, and think we should have fasted her before her blood test.  I will have her fast next time and not take her medicine.  I'm hopeful.  And between the two, I think kidney failure is the more gentler death.   Getting pills down her throat is going to kill me.  But this week, I think we will get some liquid meds.

Roxy
I guess Rox did not want to be left out.  She was napping on the floor and her ear was flipped over.  I saw she was suffering from one of her ear infections, but it was horrible!  We are now treating her.

Youth Group
Dee went to our church's youth group welcome tonight.  She had a ball.  Even though they only had the 6th graders tonight, she liked the idea that older kids will be there.  I met her teacher who has not taught at our church, but she works with at-risk kids.  I think she will be good for Dee.

Birth Family Ghosts
Dee's former social worker sent a note today that he met with Dee's birth mother a couple of weeks ago.  She is trying to adopt one of the siblings.  He told her to write an apology to each kid for her part in their neglect and abuse.  The letter to Dee came today.  He is sending it on.  I will not tell or give Dee the letter until later in her life.   Now is not the time.

Tired...And Getting More Tired
Our fall schedule is a mess:
Mondays - Therapy (every other week) and Dance (weekly)
Tuesdays - Tutoring (weekly) and Dance (weekly)
Wednesdays - Youth Group (weekly except when we have therapy)
Thursdays - Free!
Fridays - Free!
Saturday - Tutoring

So, I'm enjoying this week!  Our last week of summer dance (only once a week); and no tutoring!

Starting Middle School

Today was middle school registration.  Dee took her first day of school clothes to change into for her school pictures.  But changed her mind.  She was excited.  The big tension was whether she could open her locker...a big first in middle school.

At this middle school, it's only 6th graders.  So everyone at the school is new!  There are 800 sixth graders.  They are broken into teams (or mini-schools).  The big question is what team you are on.  But since  we are new to the school, no older siblings to share light on anything, it didn't matter.

Dee's elementary school assured me that they would break up the drama girls.  There were enough teams to make sure they each ended up on a different one.  I try to tell Dee that this gives her a fresh start.

We dropped off meds at the nurse's office.  I told the nurse that unless she is running a fever or throws up TWO days worth of food, don't call me.  She made a note.  Then I called Dee over and told her what I told her...and Dee said "Yeah, yeah."  So the nurse knows we have been over it before.

Dee could not get her locker open.  That's devastating.  Then I tried.  I know how to open a combination locker.  Wouldn't open.  The maintenance guys tried six combinations before they got it opened.  When we opened it, someone else's supplies were in it.  I could only conclude that Dee was given the wrong locker number.  When we checked at the office, sure enough, it was a typo.  Dee had trouble, but I walked her through and she was able to open it by the time we left.  She is super proud.  And because she got her locker opened, she is now excited about middle school!

I'm hopeful for my girl.  She is pretty focused on boys, and she is quite the drama girl, but I am hopeful she will make leaps and bounds of improvement this school year!

Eureka!

Today, we had therapy for the first time in three weeks.  I shared with the therapist some things in e-mail, and then we chatted as a group of three before she took her to the back.  As I was explaining what my friends saw when they were with Dee while I was traveling, some things became clear.

Dee did not know emotions when she first came.  We spent a lot of therapy time teaching her that everything doesn't mean anger.  She learned what the different emotions felt like.  We didn't realize she didn't really get what the different emotions should look like from her perspective.  She knew how others should look, but not from her perspective.  For example, when I came back and picked Dee up on my way from the airport and she was angry, my friends assured me that she desperately missed me.  We were confused.  As I relayed it to the therapist, it became clear that she was not showing what she felt.  She was showing anger.  The only emotion she ever knew.  Eureka!

The therapist told her it must be very confusing.  When you think your friends should be compassionate and caring, they are angry and you don't know why.  Then I said, it confuses me when I think you should be happy or thoughtful, and instead you seem mad or angry.  The therapist told me to keep it focused on how it impacts her.  How the confusion boomerangs back to her.  We told her that when she learned that all big feelings don't have the same response, then it will get better.

It explained a lot of our communication problem.  We got to this place because my friends who helped take care of Dee when I was out of town, all were able to see how much she missed me.  They all able to see that Dee's reaction when I got home, and they knew it did not match her feelings.  It was very helpful.

So...we now have something specific to work on.